DOGS, HOGS CLINCH DIVISION TITLES
'Bubbas, Mojo, lead wild-card chase
By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press
With their victories in week 12, East Nashville (10-2) and Fidalgo Island (10-2) became champs of their respective divisions. For both the Black Dogs and Sea Hogs, it is their third consecutive division title.
Meanwhile, wins by West Nashville (7-5) and Midtown (7-5) gave those two franchises the inside track for the two wild-card berths in the championship round of the NFFA playoffs. But Cambridge (6-6) is still alive, barely.
Here is a breakdown of what is at stake this weekend:
• No team has ever finished the regular season with only two losses. The Dogs and Hogs each have that goal still in their sights.
• The Beelzebubbas face the lowly 12th Avenue Bakers this weekend. The Mojo and Animals are not so fortunate. The Mojo travel to Fidalgo Island, while the Animals host the Black Dogs. If the favored teams win those three match-ups, the 'Bubbas would clinch a wild-card spot.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
NOSTRADAMUS — CALLING THE ‘HOGS ???
NOSTRADAMUS — CALLING THE ‘HOGS ???
By Bill O’Really, Faux News
Cheers of “Woo Pig Sooie!” erupted on Fidalgo Island yesterday when news broke of the latest quatrain translated from Nostradamus’ new book “Le Prophecies de Sport” (translated: “Sports Picks”).
Quatrain 613, entitled “The Magi” (magi means magician), was released by La Sorbonne in Paris yesterday. The English translation, which substitutes "Mojo" for "Magi," reads as follows:
Blood runs through the streets amid town
As the offense crushes the Mojo’s D.
The home crowd cheers in adoration to
Woo the Pigs of the Sea.
Nashvegas bookmakers believe the cryptic quatrain refers to the Week 13 game on Fidalgo Island between the Sea Hogs and Mojo D’s Midtown Mojo. The oddsmakers claim that Nostradamus has called this one for the Sea Hogs. Fidalgo Islanders agree. The Sea Hogs fans are calling the ‘Hogs and their bookies in expectation of a Sea Hogs win.
Over the last several weeks the per capita income on Fidalgo Island nearly doubled from gambling winnings, as Nostradamus correctly predicted Sea Hogs victories over the Beelzebubbas, the Animals, the Bakers, and, last week, the Scouts.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
THE CURSE OF DOMINICA
THE CURSE OF DOMINICA
Archeologist says Smack Daddies, Scouts victims of ancient witchcraft
By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press
Hundreds of years ago during the Spanish conquest of the New World, one conquistador took his lust for power a little too far and his descendants are being punished for his actions to this day. Or so claims archeologist James “Bones” Digger.
On the small Caribbean isle of Dominica, a conquistador dethroned the tribal ruler by tossing him into the island’s famous boiling lake. Standing on the edge of the boiling lake, the Spaniard, whose real name has been lost to history, declared himself “Lex Dominica,” the law of Dominica. In an act of revenge, the tribal medicine man put a curse on the conquistador and his male descendants.
According to a stela unearthed by Digger on the island, the curse manifests itself differently in each generation of the Dominica bloodline, but always denies his descendants whatever they hold most dear. “A rough translation of the curse would be, ‘For all eternity, you and yours will be denied,” Digger said.
Digger has traced the conquistador’s living descendants to the U.S. and it is none other than Atlanta Smack Daddies owner Lex Dominica and his nephew Thurman Murrman, owner of the Alamo Scouts. (Many people do not know that Murrman’s mother was a Dominica.)
The archeologist insists that the “Curse of Dominica” is the reason the Smack Daddies and Scouts have had 200 or more points scored on them seven times. (There have only been nine instances ever where a team has topped 200 points.) “It is my understanding that Mr. Dominica and Mr Murrman take their fantasy football very seriously,” Digger explained. “In fact, I hear that there is nothing more important to them than winning at fantasy football, there is nothing in which they take more pride.”
According to Digger, Dominica will be immune from the curse once his oldest child reaches the age of 21. At that point, the curse falls to that child. As for the childless Murrman, the archeologist predicted a lifetime of disappointment on the fantasy football gridiron. “I would expect Murrman to essentially be the league bitch for the next decade or so.”
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
SHIVA, DENNEY RETURN, THREATEN SATAN
SHIVA, DENNEY RETURN, THREATEN SATAN
Enlightened owner promises victory; one 'helluva show'
By Hunter Thompson Gunn, BTG News
NASHVILLE — In a stunning appearance last night on 12th Avenue, Shiva the Destroyer returned to the site of the Cherry Bomb Cafe with a naked Bakers owner GQ Denney in tow. They hovered over the site for several minutes attracting onlookers from the various bars and restaurants that dot the avenue.
Shiva spoke to an estimated crowd of 200 in seven languages at once, prompting at least one observer to expose her breasts and proclaim herself as his bride. Others, including Bakers' head coach Pacman Jones, claims to have understood the message telepathically.
"Heshee said heshee is the giver of life and the destroyer as well in full circle of neverending ecstasy," said Jones. "He also guaranteed a win over the Beelzebubbas this week and said Satan is truly insignificant ... so insignificant that he swears he will destroy him if he performs at the Bacchanal. Man it was beautiful. Then he said we will join as one...I don't think he meant literally at least I hope not..he's a big heshee."
Bakers PR maven, Faith Popcorn, confirmed that Denney had indeed returned and stayed in her home last night. She said he has not spoken of missing player Marvin Harrison, but did reveal that he had summoned Shiva to Four Corners, north of Taos, to help him out of a jam.
"They go way back," she said. And then, after being informed of Jones' comments to the press, she was more circumspect. "That thing about neverending ecstasy should not be interpreted as a literal bottomless barrel of the drug for revelers at the Bacchanal. We want this thing to evolve into a more family-oriented event, though I realize this will never be Disneyland."
Upon saying the word 'Disneyland', Popcorn turned into a giant emerald bird and attacked this reporter. Fortunately, she was subdued by Denney who was sitting in on the interview. He was wearing a bright chain similar to one Jones had been wearing earlier. The emerald bird seemed mesmerized by the chain.
"I'm back," said Denney. "We have unfinished business here. The city will be bumping come Sunday, kickin out the universal jams. Our relationship with Boyd X. Biggs and the entire Beelzebubba's organization is strong and we are looking forward to getting down. I just got in so I haven't seen the entire lineup for the Bacchanal and I really appreciated the Beelzebubbas carrying the water up til now. I do know the Dead Southern Rockers are looking forward to this as well as Haven Hamilton. Satan I'm sure has been working on his act ... I don't want this Shiva thing to get blown out of proportion. I think it's just the buttons talking. ..And don't be surprised if Marvin doesn't show up for a Marvin Gaye tribute. I'm just saying."
Some tickets remain for the infield at Centennial Park. Contact either team's front office for more info.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
SEA HOGS GIVE THANKS FOR QUATRAIN 126 !!!
SEA HOGS GIVE THANKS FOR QUATRAIN 126 !!!
By Bill O'Really, FAUX News
Fidalgo Island — The Sea Hogs and their fans gave thanks en masse at their annual Thanksgiving holiday dinner celebration on Fidalgo Island when word spread of a new quatrain from Sports Picks, Nostradamus' recently discovered book of sports predictions. The new quatrain is believed to predict a victory this weekend for Triki Bobber's Sea Hogs over Thurman Murrman's Alamo Scouts led by QB Ben Roethlisberger.
Given number 126 by Nostradamus (12th week, season six???), the quatrain reads:
After thanks is given at the holiday banquet,
The Trickster feasts on the pie Alamode,
Thur-Mur chokes on his Ruthless Burger, and
The "Bacon of the Sea" makes his belly explode.
Nostradamus was right last week when he predicted a Sea Hogs victory over the Bakers in his Quatrain 420. Does new Quatrain 126 predict another Sea Hogs victory? We will know for certain Monday night!
Sunday, November 18, 2007
MOJO TOSSES PLAYERS OFF PLANE AFTER LOSS TO BEELZEBUBBAS
order after Mojo Jojo tossed two players out of the team plane.
MOJO TOSSES PLAYERS OFF PLANE AFTER LOSS TO BEELZEBUBBAS
By Kimon Iwannalayya, Fantasy Sports Network
MIDTOWN -- Reports have surfaced from inside Planet Mojo that indicate the team’s two-game losing skid is accelerating owner Mojo D’s descent into madness. Sources close to the team told FSN on condition of anonymity that the reclusive owner boarded his team’s charter jet after last week’s loss to the West Nashville Beelzebubbas, much to the surprise of the team, most of whom have never seen him in person.
After grabbing a bottle of Patron, he headed to the back of the plane, where he huddled with GM Rosetta Stone and loudly moaned about his team’s performance. About midway through the flight, Mojo D stormed up to the cockpit, and the plane made a rapid descent and went into a circular holding pattern.
The outraged owner then called newly acquired TE Vernon Davis and veteran RB Jamal Lewis to the bulkhead. Both players notched zero points in the game with the Mojo’s West Nashville nemesis, and Mojo D continued to berate the players on their nil effort. Suddenly the Mojo’s missing mascot, Mojo Jojo, appeared from the overhead bins brandishing a parachute. The manic simian then popped open the cabin door and shoved the two players out the door with the one parachute, saying “good luck, losers – whoever lives, starts! HAHAHAHAHA!!!”
Without another word, the owner and mascot returned to their Patron. The horrified players were silent after the pressure returned to the cabin and for the rest of the flight. One reported that he received a call from Lewis, who won the battle for the parachute and called his teammate on the way down, saying “man, if Mojo D wasn’t one of my Vol homies, I’d kick his ass – but you come to expect that kind of sh*t when you’ve played in Knoxville.”
Predictably, Mojo D was not available for comment, but Stone reports that Davis is resting comfortably and that Lewis, despite Jojo’s assurance, will not start this week. She added that Mojo Jojo will be returning to treatment after the season is over but that “for now, Mojo D feels like having an evil super-genius monkey will help the team when they face the criminally insane Triki Bobber’s Sea Hogs in week 13.”
Saturday, November 17, 2007
NOSTRADAMUS COOKS UP ANOTHER ONE !!!
NOSTRADAMUS COOKS UP ANOTHER ONE !!!
By Bill O'Really, FAUX News
Paris, France - - Scholars at La Sorbonne today released Quatrain 420, the most recent quatrain translated from Nostradamus' "Sports Picks."
Entitled "The Baker," Quatrain 420 reads as follows:
The Baker starts a fire,
His recipe is booked,
He plans to bake the Fish,
Instead, his goose is cooked.
Looks like another win for the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs (F.I.S.H.) this weekend over the 12th Avenue Bakers!
__________________________________________________________
Friday, November 16, 2007
PACMAN SEES SPIRITS; DESTROYS FOES
PACMAN SEES SPIRITS; DESTROYS FOES
Bakers Awaken in November to Remember II
By D.David Halberstam, BTG News
NASHVILLE – Pacman Jones believes 12th Avenue Bakers owner GQ Denney is alive and well — even if he’s dead. The new Bakers player-coach has a theory.
“I don’t spend much time on the sideline calling plays or anything,” said Jones from his condo perched high above Church Street in downtown Nashville. “So I look up in the stands, or the sky, a lot during the games. And I swear I saw GQ on top of the press box against the Smackdaddies. I watched him pace around a little and then he flew off. I didn’t tell anyone because I’m supposed to be off the tree … well, you know.
“Anyway yo, I feel his spirit or something around me when I’m down there on the field. I hope he is alive though, cause I haven’t been paid yet … I mean 2-0 gots to mean something in this town.”
Authorities are, in fact, beginning to believe the owner is alive. Statements from Devin Hester, who had gone missing for over a week after the two Bakers-related fires, have indicated that Denney threw him the keys to his paisley Hummer before the top floor of the Cherry Bomb Café was engulfed in flame. It is common knowledge that Denney had means of escape from that floor in the rear, though seldom used that led to an alley behind 12th Avenue.
“I’ve seen him fall down those stairs back there,” said former Bakers coach Snoop Dogg. “Man, I know he’s hiding somewhere, fo’ shizzle. He doesn’t know how to save face now that the word’s out on his branding thing. He’ll surface — especially now that he knows he doesn’t owe the money on the bet with McMahon. He’s gonna have a hard time staying underground if we beat the Sea Hogs this weekend. Right now the players want to win it for him.”
Suspended receiver Marvin Harrison and Denney are both listed as missing at this point. Hester has been tight-lipped regarding Harrison, however authorities are believed to be searching the Taos, New Mexico area for the two men.
In other Bakers-related news, tickets are going on sale this weekend for Bacchanal 2007, even though the line-up has not been set for the three-day event Nov.30-Dec.2. Game tickets between the Beelzebubbas and the Bakers must be purchased separately. The festival has become so popular that Satan himself was bumped from last year’s roster of acts. Various Christian groups have formed a protest coalition that will begin arriving in buses the Thursday night prior to the fest. Nine protesters died last year in festival-related events.
“I think we all learned a lot last year,” said Bakers PR maven Faith Popcorn. “The exorcism tents were obviously a bad idea. We’re going to devote that space to body art and free love this time.”
Sunday, November 11, 2007
ERRATA: UNIVERSITY OF PARIS WEBSITE
BIENVENU !!! WELCOME to the University of Paris Website (UPW)
You have reached the website of the Research Department of the University of Paris (La Sorbonne) which is currently translating into English the recently discovered book of quatrains authored by Michel De Nostradame, commonly known as Nostradamus, the 16th century French seer known for his prophecies of major world events. Entitled "Le Prophecies de Sporte" ("Sports Picks"), the new book contains numerous 4-line poems thought to predict the outcome of future sporting events. We are working hurriedly to translate and interpret this important work. Each week we hope to release a new quatrain which we will post here.
ERRATA: La Sorbonne scholars have determined that “mistakes were made” in the analysis of Nostradamus’ Quatrain 231 entitled, “The Commissar.” The quatrain states:
The Commissar unleashes his dark dogs,
only to see them turn tail and run,
fearing the approaching tsunami
bearing Neptune’s porcine pet.
It was reported here that Quatrain 231 predicted the outcome of the NFFA Week 10 game between the Sea Hogs and the Black Dogs. However, further research has revealed that the quatrain actually predicted the outcome of the 1912 championship game of the Moscow Soccer League between the Moscow Wolfhounds and the St. Petersburg Sturgeon. The Sturgeon defeated the Wolfhounds 6 to 2.
The Wolfhounds were the favorite team of the Commissar of Moscow, Vassily Dmitri Rubles. Sturgeon are known for their porcine characteristics, such as their porkish flavor and their habit of rooting around in the mud of the sea floor in search of food. The mistake was regrettable, but understandable, given the similarities of the competitors in the games.
La Sorbonne has made changes in its procedures to insure that such mistakes will not occur again.
In other news, La Sorbonne announced today the resignation of Pierre LePieu as chancellor of the university. La Sorbonne is accepting applications for the position from qualified candidates.
UPW: The only OFFICIAL SOURCE for Nostradamus’ Sports Picks !!!
Thursday, November 8, 2007
BIENVENU !!!
You have reached the website of the Research Department of the University of Paris (La Sorbonne) which is currently translating into English the recently discovered book of quatrains authored by Michel De Nostradame, commonly known as Nostradamus, the 16th century French seer known for his prophecies of major world events. Entitled "Le Prophecies de Sporte" ("Sports Picks"), the new book contains numerous 4-line poems thought to predict the outcome of future sporting events.
We are working hurriedly to translate and interpret this important work. Each week we hope to release a new quatrain which we will post here.
OUR NEWEST RELEASE: Quatrain 231 - “The Commissar”
The Commissar unleashes his dark dogs,
only to see them turn tail and run,
fearing the approaching tsunami
bearing Neptune’s porcine pet.
ANALYSIS: Quatrain 231 is believed to predict the outcome of the NFFA Week 10 game between Commissioner Willie D. Money’s East Nashville Black Dogs and Triki Bobber’s Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, which game takes place this weekend.
PREDICTION: Take the Sea Hogs.
SCORECARD: Nostradamus is 2 – 0, having correctly predicted the Sea Hogs victory over the West Nashville Beelzebubbas in Week 8 and the Sea Hogs victory over the Cambridge Animals in Week 9.
PREVIOUSLY RELEASED QUATRAINS (most recent first):
Quatrain 912:
From out of the ashes
three men shall arise
from the effects of yohimbe
their pokers reach for the skies.
Quatrain 69: “The Animal”
Neither vegetable nor mineral, the pretender lays in wait
hoping to repeat his past triumph,
but he is no match for the tusked fish
that will tear him a new one.
Quatrain 220:
In the eighth week of the sixth season,
the Hogs of the Sea shall rout the Brothers of the Devil
and send them scurrying back
to the fiery depths from whence they come.
UPW: The only OFFICIAL SOURCE for Nostradamus’ Sports Picks !!!
NEW DEVELOPMENTS IN BAKERS BLAZES
NEW DEVELOPMENTS IN BAKERS BLAZES
Hester found, mystery photo surfaces
By D.David Halberstam, BTG News
NASHVILLE — Vigils and political grandstanding aside, the case of missing Bakers owner GQ Denney and the suspended player Marvin Harrison took another strange turn Tuesday when a photo was sent to league headquarters that strongly resembled the missing owner. The person is seated, dressed as a priest and making an obscene gesture to the camera.
The other missing player, Black Dogs star Devin Hester, apparently walked naked into an Amarillo police station around midnight Tuesday, local time. He was to be transported to East Nashville post haste after initial questioning. Amarillo police said Hester appeared to be disoriented but otherwise unscathed.
No new information regarding Denney or Harrison has been released. The Bakers front office adamantly denies the man in the mystery photo is Denney.
“This is not GQ,” said Bakers PR maven Faith Popcorn. “I’ve known him for years and he always throws the bird with the other hand. And besides what motivation could he have to surface in such a way? He’s already pissed off every religion under the sun. This is so obviously a staged setup by someone trying to make a name for themselves. And if you notice this guy’s only shot from the upper body. All of Q’s identifying marks are below the waist.”
Added to this twist were several “sightings” of Harrison and Hester, all reported at gas pumps fueling up Denney’s paisley Hummer. The ATF and FBI are reportedly viewing security footage from three locations that stretch west from Hohenwald to Taos, New Mexico. One theory, from an agent who did not want to be identified, is that the three escaped the blaze and for their own reasons remained underground. They hope with Hester now in hand the questions will be answered.
Unfortunately, this story has overshadowed the impressive 227-point performance the Bakers hung on the Alamo Scouts this past weekend. It was their first win this season and the first in as many tries for new head coach Pacman Jones.
“All I can think about right now is Atlanta,” said Jones, who has visited Ground Zero several times this week in search of his ‘magic chain.’ He was with the three men earlier on the night of the two fires. “I’ve said I don’t know shizzle about that. When they broke out the blowtorches and the Touchdown Tasers™, I hit the rizzle.”
*Correction- An earlier posting identified Snoop Dogg as the former Bakers head coach whom Jones replaced. It was Randy Warhol. BTG News apologizes for the error.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
SWEET DREAMS FOR MCMAHON
to East Nashville hot spot, The Family Wash. FILE/AWP
SWEET DREAMS FOR MCMAHON
Another prophetic quatrain revealed
By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press
East Nashville coach Jim McMahon kicked off his weekly press conference this morning with the announcement that another prophetic quatrain had been revealed to him last night in a dream.
Holding court at The Family Wash nightclub in East Nashville now that the Cherry Bomb Café is gone, McMahon said that once again he was visited by the apparition "Nostra-dumbass."
"Nostra — that's what I call him now — appeared to me again last night in a dream and told me he had another quatrain for me. I asked him if I should write it down and he said no, that I couldn't because I was asleep. But he said not to worry, that I would remember the quatrain. Then he told it to me:
There once was a man, Captain Bobber,
Who was really no more than a swabber.
He went to the East
To face the black beasts
And was covered with bloody, dog slobber.
"Obviously, this quatrain, like the other one, prophecizes a great victory this weekend for the Black Dogs over the Sea Hogs," the coach concluded. "Because our victory has been preordained, Buddy [Ryan, Black Dogs GM] has decided to greatly reduce our paramilitary defense force at the game. Instead of 400 Blackwater personnel, Buddy thinks a couple dozen, plus a tank and two Apache helicopters, will be fine."
When asked if Nostra-dumbass had revealed anything else of note, McMahon said he had. "Nostra said 'Manning is going to get hurt this weekend,' but I woke up before he could tell me which one."
Then McMahon switched gears. "But enough about Nostra-dumbass and his quatrains," he said. "I want to talk about Thurman Murrman. I got a call yesterday from DeWayne Van Zandt, the head bartender at Fat Bubba Dog's Gentlemen's Club in Alamo, and he said Thurman is in bad shape after losing to the Bakers by 100 points last weekend. DeWayne said Thurman was in the club late Monday night drinking Sloe Gin Fizzes and talking crazy talk, something about getting a gun and doing something with it. So, for the record, I want to say that Thurman is no longer my McBitch. He's the league bitch because everyone owns a piece of him now, even the Bakers.
"I have to say, I've always wondered about the wisdom of naming your team for a battle where your side got wiped out. The Alamo Mexicans would have been better." McMahon then laughed at his own joke and headed to the bar, where he hoped to teach the bartender how to mix a Touchdown Taser™.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
MCMAHON ANNOUNCES REVELATION OF RARE QUATRAIN
prophetic dream Monday night. FILE/AWP
MCMAHON ANNOUNCES REVELATION OF RARE QUATRAIN
By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press
At a hastily called press conference this morning at the East Nashville training facilities, Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon announced that a rare and prophetic quatrain had been revealed to him during a dream last night.
"It was better than a wet dream," McMahon said of the alleged prophetic dream. "It was all technicolor and everything, and this tall man with long, grey hair and a dark flowing robe spoke to me.
"He said, 'I am Nostra-dumbass and I have a message from the future for you in the form of a quatrain.' So I naturally said, 'Lay it on me, big guy.'
"Then he said:
'There once was a man named Bobber,
Who was known to occasionally slobber.
But he wasn't to blame
'Cause he's criminally insane;
Still, in week 10, he will get clobbered'
"Clearly," McMahon continued, "Nostra-dumbass was referring to our payback game with the Sea Hogs this weekend here in East Nashville."
When a reporter pointed out that the rhyme was not a quatrain, but a limerick, the coach said, "Tell that to Nostra-dumbass — he wrote it."
Another reporter asked if the alleged dreamworld apparition said anything else to him. "Well, actually, he did say a couple more things," McMahon said. "He told me he liked the Dogs over the Hogs, even giving up the five points. He also said he was sorry to hear about the Cherry Bomb and that he hoped they find GQ Denney alive and well."
Monday, November 5, 2007
GIULIANI TAKES OVER AT CHERRY BOMB GROUND ZERO
candidates called for tougher responses on terrorism.
GIULIANI TAKES OVER AT CHERRY BOMB GROUND ZERO
GOP candidates debate; vow retaliation
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network
With rescue workers still sifting through the rubble of the Cherry Bomb Café, former New York City mayor and presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani arrived in Nashville Saturday, saying he was ready to lead.
By late Saturday, Giuliani was strolling the perimeter, wearing a hard hat and sending out shouts of encouragement to police and firemen as they combed the wreckage of the ill-fated 12-South hot spot, which burned to the ground in the early hours of Tuesday morning.
Though Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff has said no determination has yet been made for the cause of the blaze, Giuliani was quick to pronounce that terrorists had struck America again. “It’s one of the Axis of Evil for sure,” he said. “Iran, North Korea or Triki Bobber.”
On Sunday, all of the GOP presidential candidates used the backdrop of “Nashvegas Ground Zero” for their weekly debate. The event had been scheduled for Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas but was moved at Giuliani’s request and at the agreement of the other participants.
During his prepared remarks, Giuliani vowed that U.S. retaliation against al Qaeda would be “swift and sure.” He also praised the efforts of Boyd X. Biggs and the Beelzebubbas organization for their apparent freelance anti-Taliban safari in Waziristan. “Give Americans the tools, and we’ll finish the job,” Giuliani said.
Fred Thompson said all Americans were mourning the loss in his native Tennessee and, for his part, said the U.S. would invade Iraq and “make those bug-eyed bastards pay.” When reminded by John McCain that the U.S. had already invaded and occupied Iraq, Thompson fired back, “Yeah, but this time I’ll make sure we get Saddam, by God.”
Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney asked everyone in the audience to sing the national anthem, then recognized GQ Denney confidante Furious George, who had arrived earlier from France, and led the audience in “La Marseillaise.”
Near the end, Muslim residents of the Baker Nation, who had been watching quietly, broke into spontaneous chants of “Death to the Great Satan Iran, the Li’l Satan Triki Bobber, and the Infidel Whore Hillary Clinton!” Soon, all of the GOP candidates except Mike Huckabee had joined them.
“I don’t think even Ronald Reagan could have pulled off political theater like that,” one official from the Giuliani campaign said afterward.
Friday, November 2, 2007
QUATRAIN 912 RELEASED !!!
QUATRAIN 912 RELEASED !!!
By Bill O'Really, FAUX News
Paris, France - - La Sorbonne released another quatrain today from noted 16th century prophet Nostradamus, but bookmakers and sports fans alike were confounded by the densely cryptic nature of the four-line poem.
According to Chancellor Pierre LePieu, the university’s scholars were unable to connect the quatrain to any particular sporting event. Said LePieu, “We are releasing zis quatrain to the public in hopes zat someone will come forward wiz an explanation for what it means.”
The poem, numbered 912 by Nostradamus, reads as follows:
From out of the ashes
three men shall arise
from the effects of yohimbe
their pokers reach for the skies.
La Sorbonne has requested that anyone with knowledge of the meaning of Quatrain 912 should call the university’s emergency hot-line number, 10-555-867-5309.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
THREE MEN STILL LISTED AS MISSING
arrived in Nashville to aid in the investigation of the two Baker-related fires.
THREE MEN STILL LISTED AS MISSING
Branding ritual possible clue in fires
By D.David Halberstam, BTG Times
NASHVILLE — As the investigation into two horrific early-morning fires that destroyed the infamous Cherry Bomb Café and the Hohenwald farm owned by 12th Avenue Bakers honcho GQ Denney continues, information is slowly coming forward. And the picture of a distraught and diseased man is emerging. The picture of a man with an apparent predilection for living, eating and sleeping with chimpanzees, a man with various addictions and great appetites. But, as Furious George — the cousin of the late Baker mascot Mr. TD — has pointed out to the media, Denney is a man with a heart as big as Africa.
What authorities now want to know is if that heart is as dark as the Dark Continent itself. Denney, Black Dogs star Devin Hester, and the suspended Marvin Harrison are missing as a result of the two fires, though no bodies have been recovered. Reportedly, a melancholy Denney attempted to party with the two players, new Baker head coach Pacman Jones and several unidentified women following the Bakers loss to the Mojo Monday night. No one saw the men leave although a witness has come forward in Hohenwald that claims she danced for the men around 3 a.m. in the infamous re-animation laboratory. She is being held in protective custody and unavailable to the press.
According to Bakers PR maven Faith Popcorn, the three were most likely involved in one of Denney’s signature “branding” ceremonies that involves hot irons and yojimbe. There has been some speculation that the fire there may have been started in such a manner with the three incapacitated from the yojimbe and unable to keep it from spreading. Other speculation has focused on insurance fraud and an astronomical bet the owner had lost. It is now being reported that the bet would have been forgiven.
“My cousin has shown me photographs from one of these branding ceremonies,” said Furious George through a translator. “They were quite graphic, but as we say in France ‘how can you understand a man until you have seen him naked and in great pain.’ I will not judge him if this is how he dies. My fear is that there are outside forces at work here who would like to see harm come to him. The other two gentlemen may have simply been in the wrong place at the wrong time, and of course, unable to move.”
Police are also checking in to unsubstantiated reports that Hester and Harrison have been seen after the fire fueling Denney’s paisley Hummer at a backwoods Lewis County market. It has also been noted that an underground tunnel between Denney’s farm and The Farm in Summertown, founded by Stephen Gaskin, may have existed in the early 1970s.
“We’re being methodical with this,” said an ATF investigator who preferred anonymity. “We’ll find ‘em dead or alive … but one fact will remain unchanged — the Bakers still suck.”
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