LONDON CALLED, SHARIF ANSWERED NFFA goes international with Bakers' UK move

New London Bakers superfan X.Y. Chrome leads an impromptu rally at Trafalgar Square as the news of the franchise's impending move breaks in the U.K.

By Man Ray Natural

The Mainline Dope

NASHVILLE—A stone-faced QCurl Sharif stood on the fabled entrance steps to the Cherry Bomb Café early Tuesday morning to announce a move that many have predicted within the NFFA inner circle for months.

The 12th Avenue Bakers are moving to London, England, pending final approval from the commissioner's office. The press conference early Tuesday took place just before dawn and ended symbolically with the rising of the sun across 12th Avenue from the club, casting an eerie, exhilarating glow in pastel behind the mansion at Sevier Park. Sharif spoke of the tradition along the avenue and his love for the 12 South community, but said his team's fortunes ultimately resided in Britain.

"My heart is heavy at the moment when i think of the fan support and the parties here that left dozens dead and countless others ruined," he said. Bakers coach Snoop Dogg stood at Sharif's side during his address to the press and some scattered fans who had gotten wind of the predawn event. Those in attendance were treated to Bloody Marys and the infamous Cherry Bomb Breakfast Brownies.

"But my fear of a Trump presidency and certain benefits that have been guaranteed by the city of London have compelled me to move now and with great speed. We intend to open the 2016 season in our new, temporary home at Wembley Stadium."

Critics have said that if Sharif took the Bakers across the Atlantic, it would be to escape multiple lawsuits he faces both personally and with the franchise. He has legal action pending within the NFFA infrastructure, having challenged the veracity of the Downtown Corsairs' championship two years ago, and faces several league countersuits. Critics have also cited Sharif's superstitious belief that his continued presence would be cursed.

"I mean, what have I got to lose?" he said. "I've shed a lot of tears on these very steps and given my blood to try and bring a championship home to the fans here. But, it's obvious the ground is sewn with poison. I think the Chocolate King said it best last year when he and I were walking the avenue here — dodging hipsters and hookers — and he flared his nostrils and bellowed: 'I smell poison here. It's in the air. It's in our clothes. And, believe me, I know that smell.'

"To ignore such a smell would be treachery against myself," Sharif continued. "We will keep the Cherry Bomb open and I will make frequent visits. I'm not giving up my home or The Treehouse, but I am awaiting the finishing touches on a new flat near Kensington Square. I would also encourage all Bakers to visit the One-Eyed Pig, our new club on Trafalgar Square. In fact, Chocky and Sepp are there right now giving shagadelic oversight to some remodeling. The Pig will give new meaning to 'bangers and mash.'"

The star-crossed Bakers made a run at the playoffs last season, but collapsed down the stretch, causing many ticket holders to turn their backs on the storied franchise during the offseason. Season ticket sales are reportedly down here, and Sharif did not address the issue of refunding those fans. One fan at the press conference spoke candidly about his perspective.

"I'll kill the motherfucker if i get the chance," the anonymous, androgynous onlooker was quoted as saying before exposing his/her genitalia to the press. Sharif was not impressed.

"Get em outta here!" he shouted. "If you're gonna bring it, bring it!"

Sharif and Snoop did not answer questions following the announcement, and a recorded message from Faith Popcorn declared the conference over. Details are sketchy as to the timing of the move, but it has been reported in The Guardian and The Times that equipment has arrived in London and the front office is staged to function from there within the week. 

NFFA Daily Briefing TRADE TALKS FOR BRADY? Bakers-Animals ‘Big Apple Summit’ Confirmed

QCurl Sharif and Dave the Animal held a "strategic summit" at this New Jersey motel.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

Could Tom Brady be returning this year to the Cambridge Animals? 

That was a question on everyone’s mind Friday as word leaked out of a high-level meeting between the 12th Avenue Bakers, Brady’s current team, and the Animals. The face-to-face meeting between team owners QCurl Sharif and Dave the Animal, described by one person in the know as “a strategic summit,” took place in a New Jersey hotel room, sources said. 

As the NFFA pre-draft trading period opened, attention focused on Brady, the troubled QB said to be under a curse that plagues any team for which he plays. Sharif is said to despise Brady, whom he obtained from the Bubbas in a deal for He Cut Me, the player formerly known as Peyton Manning (whom he also despised). “I thought we were getting a quarterback, not a go-go dancer,” Sharif allegedly said last year.

No team with Brady under center has won an NFFA title, giving a certain credibility to the curse claim, noted FSN commentator Skip Clueless. Even so, the defending champion Animals hold Brady in such regard that it is conceivable they could risk a trade for him. “They covet him,” Clueless said. “Not a day goes by in the Animals’ front office that they don’t pine for him.”

A person who answered the phone at the Bakers offices but declined to identify himself confirmed that a meeting between Sharif and DTA had taken place — but not that a trade had been discussed. “Mr. Sharif was on his way to London for the weekend, and he stopped in New York on the way to visit his oldest friend, Dave the Animal, as he so often does,” the source said.

When a reporter went on to ask about the health of Bakers PR maven Faith Popcorn, who has not been seen in public since returning from Ukraine two years ago but is said to be “very close” to Brady,” the person in the team’s office was silent for several seconds. “If Brady does get traded,” he said, choosing his words carefully, “you can take that as a sign that Faith is alive and well and fully in command of her faculties. Sharif wouldn’t dare pull the trigger on a deal like that unless Faith had signed off on it.” Then he hung up.

NFFA Daily Briefing FAN RIOT ON FIDALGO Boosters demand ‘return to insanity’

In 2008, Sea Hogs owner Tirik Obobber was criminally insane and on the lam.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

For a third straight day Wednesday, Sea Hogs fans-turned-protesters jammed Fidalgo Island, attempting to block access to the team’s preseason training camp. The signs they held and chants they yelled carried the same message: “Return to insanity!”

The signs and chants were an apparent reference to the travails of team owner Tirik Obobber, who had been diagnosed as “criminally insane” before successfully undergoing treatment at the Betty Ford Clinic. During his illness, among other actions, Obobber:

• attempted to blow up an NFFA owners’ meeting in NashVegas;

• ran a human pit fighting operation;

• formed an alliance with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il that involved an extensive counterfeiting operation and procurement of nuclear weapons;

• blew up his yacht, the Fatal Attraction, in order to kill his coach, Mike Homegrown;

• kidnapped the daughters of NFFA Commissioner William D. Money and held them as sex slaves aboard his new yacht, the Fatal Attraction II;

• kidnapped singer Taylor Swift and hypnotized her as part of a plot to assassinate rival owner QCurl Sharif;

• illegally owned a nuclear submarine; and 

• spent months on the run in the West under such aliases as Bob Hitler and Bobham Young.

Why would fans want to return to such days of infamy?

It’s simple, said Otis Driftwood, president of SeaHogwilders fan club. “Back when Mr. Obobber was insane, our team was contending for titles every year,” Driftwood said. “Since he got the cure, we’ve sucked ass instead of kicked it. You do the math. Does Tirik care enough about this team to go insane again? That’s the real question here.”

How, exactly, the fans’ goal could be accomplished remained unclear. But many appeared convinced that Obobber’s cure could be undone simply by discontinuing his anti-insanity medications. Others had different ideas. “Just inject him with some of [Donald] Trump’s DNA,” suggested one. “Lock him up at Club Gitmo for a week with Saddam,” said another.

“Having Peyton Manning as quarterback probably had much more to do with the Sea Hogs’ success as the owner’s mental health,” said Skip Clueless of FSN-TV’s “Skip Clueless against the Universe.” “But Obobber’s outlaw behavior sort of became the face of the franchise, and the fans embraced that. And they’re absolutely right to note that the team’s fortunes began to fall around the time Obobber regained his sanity. To put it in perspective, the 12th Avenue Bakers have been much better over the past several years than the Sea Hogs. Think about that for a minute.

“So is there something to all this? Maybe. Heck, the Hogs were still pretty good even after the U.S. Marines invaded Fidalgo Island and put Hillary Clinton in charge of the team.”

The situation on the island became more tense on Wednesday morning as local sheriff’s deputies failed to disperse the unruly crowd. As a result, the team’s scheduled 10 a.m. workout had to be canceled. If the fan mob did not leave by late afternoon, said Fidalgo Island mayor Nell Plumperton, she would request that the governor send in the National Guard. “Right now there’s a lot of craziness here,” Plumperton said, unironically.

A team spokesperson said Obobber was unavailable for comment because he was busy preparing for the NFFA draft on August 25.

NFFA Daily Briefing 'HE CUT ME' BANNED Brady suspended for tampering with balls

Former MVP He Cut Me (aka Peyton Manning) holds back tears after being informed of his lifetime ban by the NFFA.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

As his first official act, new NFFA Commissioner Jim McMahon placed a lifetime ban on He Cut Me — the former player formerly known as Peyton Manning — over the use of what McMahon called “uncontrolled substances.”

In the next breath, he announced a four-game suspension for Bakers QB Tom Brady over what has come to be called Deflategate — Brady’s role in playing with balls that were deliberately underinflated.

McMahon said both rulings would take effect immediately.

Manning, who began last season with the West Nashville Beelzebubbas but was cut after he tested positive for large amounts of HDH (Human Death Hormone), is banned from involvement with the league in any official capacity. Bubbas team officials believe that HDH, which resulted in Manning’s partial zombification, was largely responsible for his career-worst performance last season. 

“Who gave him HDH, and whether He Cut Me knew what he was taking, remain a mystery,” said one team official, who requested anonymity because he did not have permission to speak publicly on the issue. “We’re hoping the commissioner will order an official inquiry, but we’ve been looking into it on our own.”

The official added that Bubbas’ owner Mos Ded remains convinced that Manning was “collateral damage” from a curse that prevents any team with Brady as its QB from winning a championship.

During an 11 a.m. press conference Tuesday at the McMahonistan Bar at Club Gitmo, McMahon said that Brady’s suspension was necessary because “the integrity of the league is at stake.” He added that no sanctions were contemplated against the Cambridge Animals, the team for which Brady played when the ball deflations took place. “We think Brady acted semi-alone,” McMahon said. “Besides, haven’t the Animals suffered enough over the years?”

McMahon also noted that Brady may receive an addition suspension over an incident that occurred last week in training camp, when the QB used a pair of tailor’s shears to cut up 30 of the Bakers’ much beloved “throwback” jerseys. 

Witnesses said Brady was upset with the traditional uniforms, in which the jerseys were designed to be untucked, calling them “undisciplined” and “lacking the degree of fabulousness that matches my personal brand.”

Bakers owner QCurl Sharif, who is away on an ancestral pilgrimage in northern India, could not be reached for comment.

Taking McMahon’s place at the microphone while the commissioner refreshed his margarita, new Deputy Commissioner Meadow Soprano said that Brady had “acted outside the permissible bounds of impermissibility in this league.” She did not suggest what additional punishment might be in store for the troubled QB, who apparently has been living a double life as Bradi Thomas, who performs at the Goodrow-a-Go-Go as the female impersonator Megging Barry.

McMahon and Soprano were named by acclamation to their posts in May at the annual secret retreat of the Five Founding Franchises of the NFFA.

Trump Buys, Renames Palm

Donald J. Trump, principal owner of the Village Green and Republican nominee for President, has purchased a Nashville landmark, The Palm restaurant, and plans to rename it The TrumPalm, FSN has learned.

The transaction will become final on September 1, just before the kickoff of the new NFFA season.

The purchase is notable because The Palm has served as the unofficial headquarters for fans of the Downtown Corsairs, who play nearby at The Roofie atop the Nashville Convention Center. League observers are already speculating that Trump’s purchase is the latest salvo in a turf war between his team and their chief rival, the Corsairs. 

That speculation increased after patrons noted that the sketched likeness of Corsairs owner Mojo D had been removed from its customary spot on a wall near the restrooms. New portraits of Trump and Green minority owner Dave Goodrow were being added, they said, while a portrait of D’s wife, The Pompatus of Love, remained undisturbed.

“I wouldn’t read too much into this just yet,” said one observer. “This is kind of business as usual in the NFFA.” He noted that the Corsairs themselves had engaged in a similar act two years ago, when a Corsair-friendly hangout known as The Face Palm Featuring MC Pee Pants opened south of the trendy Five Points area of East Nashville. 

“There will probably be repercussions,” the observer said. “In this league there are always repercussions. The only question is whether there will be blood and fire.”