SADDAM SELLS BACK THE GREEN Says of Trump: ‘I couldn’t take any more of his tears’

Along with shots of 16-year-old Scotch, Saddam treated reporters to framed, numbered issues of Iraqi postage stamps bearing his image. 

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

Saddam Hussein opened his daily press briefing / open bar Tuesday by congratulating himself on ‘an outstanding draft’ for his new team, The Village Green. “The experts said our draft was ‘exemplary,” Hussein said. “That’s compared to a rating of ‘horrible’ for the Animals, which tells you the Grandmother of All Curses is still undefeated.”

Then Saddam dropped the bombshell that he had just sold the team back to its previous owner, President Donald Trump.

“Somehow he (Trump) got my private cell number,” said Hussein, between sips of a frozen margarita in the McMahonistan Bar in Club Gitmo. “He kept calling me over and over. First, he’d threaten. Then he’d beg. Then he cried and cried. ‘Please,’ he would wail, ‘I need this, I need this.’ After a while, I couldn’t take any more of his tears.”

“So you just gave him back the team?” a reporter shouted.

“Give? Who the hell said anything about give?” Saddam fired back. “I told him it would be a costly lesson. I may be a president, but I am also a businessman. 

“We’re not going to publish the terms of the sale, but let’s just say that much of the gold bullion looted by your army is back in good hands. Madre de Dios, I love this country!”

“Do you have any proof of all this?” shouted a reporter as the room fell silent for a moment.

“As you know,” Hussein replied, “Mr. Trump does not record his phone calls. But he will tell you it never happened. That should be all the proof you need that I am telling the truth.

“But if you need more,” Saddam continued, “I do have some 86-proof Macallan single-malt, if anyone here is ready for a snort.” The packed room quickly erupted in cheers.

After beckoning to servers to fill the reporters’ glasses, Saddam said with a smile, “This whisky is 16 years old. Mr. Linardo had a quinceaños party for it last year. You know, I had several wives who were younger than this.

“Salud, beeyotches!” he yelled. “Report the truth!” And out he went.

BLACK DOGS CUBED GM Mo Money announces new coach

Rapper/actor Ice Cube is the new coach of the East Nashville Black Dogs.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

In a two-sentence statement sent to Nashvegas media outlets this afternoon, East Nashville GM Maris "Mo" Money announced the Black Dogs have hired a new coach: rapper Ice Cube.

"The East Nashville Black Dogs are happy to welcome our new coach, Ice Cube, to the Black Dogs family," Money said in the statement. "Cube has assured us that he intends to 'make it rough' on the other franchises."

Neither Mo Money, nor her sister and team president Cassandra "Cash" Money were available for comment, but the AWP was able to reach the celebrated rapper and now coach at his home in Los Angeles. "First of all, let me say I'm honored to take over the reigns of the defending champions and winningest franchise in NFFA history from my man, Marshawn (Lynch)," Ice Cube said. "And as for the so-called curse of the champion, I say [expletive] that — with no vaseline."