MCMAHON: 'ANIMAL STILL SCARES ME'

East Nashville running back Lendale White exits
Coach Jim McMahon's weekly press conference.

MCMAHON: 'ANIMAL STILL SCARES ME'
Running back Lendale White disrupts press conference

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

At his weekly media circus at fooBar, East Nashville coach Jim McMahon expressed confidence that his Black Dogs would run their record to 13-0 this week at Cambridge, but insisted in his opening remarks, "Dave the Animal still scares me."

"The Black Dogs will be traveling again with members of the Tennessee National Guard, who will be providing security for the team while in Cambridge," McMahon continued. "I realize unlike Fidalgo Island, Cambridge is not known as an unsafe place. But we're talking Dave the Animal here, a meth and crack kingpin whose motto is, 'Be wild, be free.' So, we're taking no chances."

At that point, a questioner in the rear of the club asked the coach why he hadn't started [running back] Lendale White all season. McMahon said, "Who asked that question?" As the members of the media directly in front of the coach turned to see who the questioner was, they and McMahon could see that it was none other than White himself.

"Lendale, what the [expletive]?" the coach said. "Get your fat ass back to the team training facility and I'll see you when I return." White mumbled a response, then left though a side door in the rear used for loading in equipment.

Several reporters shouted, "What was that all about." McMahon tried to wave it off, but Joe Biddle persisted. "C'mon, Mac, why haven't you played Lendale? He's scored 11 touchdowns." he said.

"Well, Bid, if you were any good at your job you would already know the answer to that question," McMahon chided. "Will someone give Joe a copy of the team's year-to-date stats so he can see the Dogs have four running backs with better numbers than Lendale." White has fewer fantasy points than Maurice Jones-Drew, Frank Gore, Ronnie Brown, and teammate Chris Johnson.

"But as circumstances would have it, I was actually considering giving Lendale his first start this week, but after this stunt, I don't know."

McMahon deflected a few more questions about the disgruntled White, then returned to the topic du jour: Dave the Animal. "I'm hoping the Dave's kicker oversleeps again this week. Of course, by now you all have realized the Animals would still be in the playoff hunt if Dave had started an active kicker the last two games. This from the self-proclaimed coaching genius who has yet to score any championship bling.

"But whether he fields a kicker or not, I leave Dave the Animal with this message: Quando omni flunkus, mortati." The coach then moved to the bar for the traditional Morning Glory™ margarita, which signaled the end of the press conference.

MOJO CAUGHT, THEN CLEARED

Fugitive Midtown Mojo owner Mojo D as he appeared after emerging
from the Blair Boulevard spider hole where police found him.


MOJO CAUGHT, THEN CLEARED
Memphis rappers apparently behind Money shooting

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

In a whirlwind series of events Tuesday, fugitive Midtown owner Mojo D was apprehended by Metro police, even as new information from private sources appeared to confirm Mojo’s innocence in the attempted assassination of NFFA commissioner William D. Money.

Mojo, who had been on the lam for the past two weeks, was caught after police received an anonymous tip on his whereabouts. A S.W.A.T. team dispatched to the scene found a scruffy looking, heavily bearded Mojo hiding in what police termed a “spider hole” behind a home on Blair Boulevard. In emerging from his hideout, sources said, he defiantly announced, “I am the president of the Midtown Mojo.”

Shortly after Mojo was booked and fingerprinted downtown, he was released based on what police said was “conclusive evidence” brought forward by NFFA founder Jorge Linardo, who, apparently unbeknownst to the authorities, had been conducting his own investigation into the Money shooting.

FSN has learned that, in the days following the incident in which a man in a Mexican wrestling mask wounded the commissioner outside a trendy, East Nashville nightspot, Linardo’s agents rounded up a number of “potential suspects” and brought them secretly to Club Gitmo for questioning. (Because Club Gitmo, located in “The Nations” area of West Nashville, stands on sovereign Native American tribal land, Metro law enforcement officials have no jurisdiction over the facility.)

During “enhanced interrogation procedures,” three of the potential suspects revealed that the shooting of Money was “facilitated” (though not ordered) by former Mojo team mascot Mojo Jojo. According to tapes of the interrogations viewed by FSN, the suspects said that Jojo reached out to the Memphis rap group Dr. Krunkenstein. He told them that “a tall East Nashville honky” who called himself “Dr. Krankenstein” was using extensive samples from the Memphis’ group’s unreleased debut CD, Muscle and Blow, to build his own career as a local rapper. “Are you gonna let your [expletive] get cracka-jacked like that?” Jojo reportedly asked the group.

Jojo then allegedly told the group members where to find Money on the night of the shooting. He even directed the shooter to wear a Mexican wrestling mask, in hopes that police suspicion would fall on the Midtown Mojo, for whom the masks are part of the team’s trademarked identity. None of the detainees knew which of the three members of Dr. Krunkenstein might have been the trigger man.

Interestingly, however, two other detainees cast doubt on whether Mojo Jojo had been involved at all in the conspiracy. According to them, Money — who dabbles in the music business as a sideline to his work as NFFA commissioner, and who sometimes goes by the moniker of Dr. Krankenstein — arranged for the attempted hit himself as a way to generate “street cred.” These detainees added that merely grazing Money with a bullet to the cheek was all part of the plan.

“It doesn’t matter which version is right,” said Beelzebubbas’ community relations director Anton Chigur. “Mojo D didn’t do it.”

Chigur added that Linardo had dispatched his old friend, Dog the Bounty Hunter, to search for Mojo Jojo. The controversial chimp dropped out of sight last week after failing to appear at the Jojo A Go Go, where he was scheduled to emcee a charity dance marathon to benefit orphaned highland gorillas in Uganda. Chigur also said that Linardo was planning to meet personally with the members of Dr. Krunkenstein, who are set to perform at the fifth annual Bacchanal to the Future this weekend in Centennial Park.

Meanwhile, police are seeking to question Linardo’s godson, Beelzebubbas coach Boyd X. Biggs, in the deaths of Mojo coach Otto Pilot and Furious George, childhood friend of 12th Avenue Bakers coach QCurl Sharif. Though investigators believe Furious committed suicide, the case is not yet closed. Late Sunday, Pilot’s deflated body was found with numerous puncture wounds at the Richland Creek end of the McCabe Golf Course. “It’s interesting that both of these deaths occurred in West Nashville, within easy walking distance of Biggs’ Cherokee Park residence,” said police spokesman Don Aaron.

“Biggs will happily make himself available to the police immediately after hell freezes over,” said Chigur in a prepared statement. “The timing of this shows that it is nothing more than someone’s cheap attempt to distract the 'Bubbas from their huge game with the Bakers this weekend and to drain the joy from the Bacchanalia.” Then, with a slight and somewhat frightening smile, he added, “I am confident justice will prevail.”

MOJO D SURFACES, NAMES NEW COACH

The Midtown Mojo's latest coach, Otto Mattick

MOJO D SURFACES, NAMES NEW COACH
Mojo D tells new coach: 'don't unpack your bags'

By Soren Bernyn, Fantasy Sports News

In the increasingly unhinged world of the Midtown Mojo, naming a new coach is hardly newsworthy. But after a week in which the team scored a league-low 60.5 points, the losing coach's lifeless body was found on a golf course after "death by misadventure" with junkie chanteuse Amy Winehouse, and his own capture and exoneration, Midtown Mojo owner Mojo D held a raucous, expletive-filled confab for reporters at the Planet Mojo "Media Center" at Cabana in Hillsboro Village.

"Well [expletive] me in the neck — what a [expletive] week! I was looking forward to kicking back in [expletive] Vegas for the rest of the season" he started out. "I hire a guy I think can just let 'er roll, he gets spontaneous consciousness, loses the game by titanic [expletive] proportions, then [expletive] Amy Winehouse, who whacks his plastic ass.

"Plus, those dumb-ass Barney Fife detectives said I was hiding out in a spider hole: [expletive] that [expletive]! I was just training for the g.d. Bacchanalia, and passed out somewhere in the neighborhood after three days — I think I'm just about ready." He continued, "I'm [expletive] offended that anyone would consider me a part of a [expletive] botched hit on Money — my people never would have screwed up something as important as that. It would have been up-close and [expletive] personal, and they would not have found a body. No surprise that Money and that simian [expletive] Jojo were in it together: those two [expletive]s deserve each other."

"But I digress..." his voice trailed off as he took a long drink from a gold chalice emblazoned with a diamond-studded "PIMP" — rumor has it that he swiped it from Snoop Dogg's studio at QCurl Sharif's last bender. When he continued, he was in mid-thought: "So after that, I figured a new coach was necessary, and I brought in another nobody who couldn't possibly screw up any worse than we have already — for chrissakes, we're in [expletive] Bakers territory with just two wins; and thank god for the Pompatus, or else we'd be winless — I asked her to come back to the sidelines, and she said 'No, No, No!'" Mojo D threw back his head and laughed silently at his own Amy Winehouse joke.

"So the new guy is..." Mojo D shuffled some Post It notes looking for a name, and continued "Otto Mattick! He's a moderately skilled bus driver who knows nothing about the game, and I told him not to unpack his bags — this is a pretty tenuous position. He said 'No problem, man — as long as I get paid in cash, no worries.' Clearly, a guy after my own heart."

The team has been burning up the waiver wire, dumping players, including stalwart running back Jamal Lewis. The owner said "It broke my heart, but that's just the problem, isn't it? Sentimental bull [expletive] is one of the many internal problems we've wrestled with this season -- it's too late to do anything about it now, but I figure if the Mojo can sweep the [expletive] Sea Hogs (with a win in week 14), we'll win a moral victory over the scourge of the league. The pestilence that trails behind the disgraced, criminally insane [Expletive] Formerly Known as Bob Hitler has infected the L division as a whole and explains our division's irrational suckiness."

As for this week's game with the Atlanta Smack Daddies? "I guess a victory in Week 13 would sweep the Daddies this season, too, but I don't wish Lex Dominica anything worse than the usual. He actually represents our (expletive) division's last chance for respectability, and Lex is a worthy opponent — he can still kiss my white Mojo ass, though."