Pie Town Ballers Owner and GM Mojo D at the team's Draft Day Breakfast for the media.
By Soren Bernyn
Sr. Writer, Fantasy Sports Network
It’s been another tumultuous off-season for Mojo D, Owner and GM of the former Corsairs. A devastating Championship game loss, a political scandal, the steep decline of the Bitcoin market and another name change for his team.
Mojo D has re-branded his team several times through the years, and he officially introduced "Pie Town Ballers” as the team’s latest incarnation in a disheveled draft day media appearance at a hastily called “Breakfast in the Blue Room” at Third Man Records, the team’s official HQ. Mojo D reflected on the torrent of change he has weathered over the last 9 months, beginning with the Corsairs’ epic loss to the Beelzebubbas in the 2017 NFFA Championship.
“Losing the NFFA crown was the harbinger of a dark and cold season, and it’s all on me. Many have speculated, but It’s pretty simple - I had a bet with (coach) Jack White: I pick the championship game lineup. If we lose, you get to do whatever you want with the team; if I win, you put out a box set of my ambient-dub recordings. He was like, ‘whatever’."
That self-centered bet led Mojo D to "the Keenum Gambit” - playing QB Case Keenum against all projections and reason - who "crumpled like a shotgunned Bud Light can on a Pedal Tavern,” according the NFFA pundit Woody Larry, and lost the Championship game. Mojo D continued: “So that sucked, Jack took over, and the Downtown Corsairs are now the Pie Town Ballers — Jack loves his little neighborhood of Pie Town: the Blue Room is there, The Roofie’s nearby and I’m happy for all of us to move past the Corsairs years. Long live the Pie Town Ballers!”
The Ballers’ Owner mostly demurred on questions about his significant Bitcoin holdings in the wake of a ~70% decline in the cryptocurrency’s value since the start of the year, saying only “we got into crypto early, and hedged our Bitcoin investment with with some well-timed liquidations, as did Club Gitmo, it would appear. Since Saddam finally accepted my Bitcoin payment at the Sports Book last fall (ed. note: an infamous 1-million Linardo gambling debt), we made ‘peace’, and they have shined up the place — much less of a sh*thole now.” The cryptocurrency’s value peaked at $19,000 around the end of 2017, soon after which Bitcoin started its precipitous decline to its current $6000 level. Real-estate records from February indicate Mojo D's holding company made substantial real-estate investments in the Nashvegas region, as well as Lithuania, Madagascar and Papua New Guinea, and further reports surfaced at the end of 2017 that Mojo D may actually be the infamously anonymous Satoshi Nakamoto, creator of Bitcoin, who controls over 5% of the worldwide holdings in Bitcoin.
“Komento nashi,” the GM said, smiling (“No Comment” or コメント無し in Japanese).
Reporters also grilled Mojo D about the changes in the NFFA for 2018, particularly about the transition of replacing a team in the Linardo division. “I will miss Tirik Obobber, aka Bob Hitler, and the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs greatly — a worthy opponent with a huge football mind and a huger fantasy mind, but he was never the same after we put in the 'Peyton Manning Rule’ (ed. note: which added a two-year keeper limit).
"I’m stoked to see Suzie Fine’s South Franklin Independents in our esteemed ranks - her connection to the founder, Dr. (Jorge) Linardo, earns her some respect that teams like the Green will never have. And her smack right out of the box shows she’s coming to play: she didn't even have to say a word: putting that horse on her team's logo is straight-up gunning for Bill Money's mojo. ”
Other NFFA GMs have accused the mercurial GM - who was looking particularly disheveled — of violating the league’s 160-Hour Rule of spending no more than 160 hours per week on NFFA business. “That’s a ridiculous guideline concocted by people with only a limited understanding of space-time: I implore others to join us on the Einsteinian plane. My 160 hours passes in 2 minutes on this plane."
Mojo D’s demeanor changed darkly when asked about his relationship with disgraced ex-mayor of Nashville Megan Barry. He was a close ally of the former mayor, and Barry and her “security detail" Rob Forrest were regular patrons at the Corsairs’ Blue Room, and in the owners box at the Roofie before their affair sent shock waves across Nashvegas. He removed his now-ubiquitous sunglasses, stared down the journos, then leaned into the mic, only to say “komento nashi - let’s have some Bloody Marias.”
The bar was open, Margo Price took the tiny stage with members of Widespread Panic, and the presser was over — gratefully, some things never change with Mojo D.
