BIRONAS TO COACH THRU END OF SEASON

Rob Bironas will helm the Bakers ship for the balance of the 2013 season.

By Man Ray Natural
The Mainline Dope

NASHVILLE—12th Avenue Bakers' placekicker Rob Bironas will serve as interim head coach for his team through the remainder of the 2013 season. The Bakers (2-9) have won two of three in November under his direction, following the firing of former coach Snoop Lion.

Owner QCurl Sharif simultaneously tapped Bakers PR Director Faith Popcorn as acting GM, and receded into the shadows. Reports have swirled about the owner's involvement with Eckankar, and a return to an association with Shiva, who promptly regurgitated CurlBaby, thought to be dead. As Popcorn headed a permanent coaching search, two candidates surfaced as finalists — Iggy Pop and Cheetah Chrome — only to become tragically intertwined with the purported curse of the organization. Chrome has been missing, and Pop lies in a coma still at Vanderbilt Hospital.

"We feel Bironas has gotten the car out of the ditch, at least," Popcorn said recently. "We'd like to finish strong and spoil everything. If we were to upset the Black Dogs this weekend and bust the Bubbas in the Bacchanal game, our fans will be back in the fold. In fact, they'd burn this mother-effin' town down."

Emboldened by Popcorn's address to the media at the Cherry Bomb, Sharif joined her on the steps holding a flaming CurlBaby in his arms.

"The kid seems really happy to be back," Sharif said. "He's so cute. He keeps referring to the Bubbas' game as the 'Back Anal.'"

THE VILLAGE GREEN'S SMALLEY ANNOUNCES NEW PARTNERSHIP

The Village Green head coach Stuart Smalley (inset) is excited about his new "Feel Good" partnership with New York Giants head coach Tom Coughlin.

From wire reports

In a stunning move at The Meadowlands, Village Green head coach Stuart Smalley has announced a "Feel Good" partnership with New York Football Giants head coach Tom Coughlin. The partnership is centered around a "mind-body connection" that both coaches have found successful in their recent wins.

The New York club has impressed Gotham fans with a mind-blowing four-straight wins to leave them only a game-and-a-half behind the NFC East leading PhiladelphiaEagles. Ruddy-faced Coughlin has attributed his success to weekly sessions with his team, especially those players suited up for The Village Greenk. These sessions include inspirational talks by both Smalley and Coughlin, weekly yoga workouts and visualization techniques found to be successful in other sports psychologists regimens.   

Of particular satisfaction to Coach Smalley is that he "borrowed" some of his techniques from rival coach Mojo D of the Downtown Corsairs, who Smalley says "has changed pedagogy 180 degrees in his 'win at all costs' approach." Unnamed sources within the Corsairs locker room report players have complained of fatigue and bullying, which has led to uninspired performances in week 11.     

Mojo D declined comment as he is anticipating a lawsuit from his rival for the unapproved Village Green logo recently seen in league publications, which was released to the public by the Corsairs owner.

Mojo D Sounds Warning Over "NFFA's Culture of Non-Bullying"

Despite concerns over the NFFA's direction, Corsairs' GM Mojo D was exuberant over Corsairs' recent wins

By Soren Bernyn
Fantasy Sports Network

In an impromptu Sunday night media throw-down, Corsairs' Owner/GM Mojo D was enthusiastic about his teams' close wins the past two weeks -- a 190.5 - 186.5 buzzer-beater over the Cambridge Animals, and a 9-point victory in Week 10 over the Black Dogs at the infamous Dawg House. 

"The team is playing at a high level, and scored the most points both weeks. It's clear that we are ready to defend our 2012 championship and make a run at an historic NFFA Championship repeat." (note: no team has ever repeated as NFFA champion) "The NFFA Power Ranking has us at the top, and we are especially proud of the league-leading coaching efficiency rating -- you're doing a heck of a job, Ray-Ray!!"

But the Corsairs' owner sounded a an angry note regarding recent developments with the NFFA. "I see a disturbing trend: the League seems to have adopted a culture of not bullying." He made public a recent message from William D. Money, owner of the East Nashville Black Dogs and former commissioner of the  NFFA. Titled simply "congrats," the email says in part "Good win, Mojo D" and closes with a smiley emoticon. The Corsairs owner was agitated and stated emphatically: "this sort of genteel, gracious sportsmanship has no place in a profane, violent fantasy-sports world, and is evidence of a 'Nancy-boy' infiltration of the culture of the league."

"However, I do realize that Money suffered a massive brain trauma last season, and I'm no neurologist, but like Meemaw (Murrman, current NFFA commissioner) says: 'that boy ain't been right since.'" The Corsairs GM took a moment to compose himself, and added: "At the same time, these last two games have been very emotional: in both wins, the Corsairs were the only team in the league that could have defeated my opponents. After all that sh*t we went through in the early days of Methlon - Q, Animal, Biggs, Money and me, too, slaving away for Big McKwan - there's a bond there, and I hate to see a strong effort not pay off for people who at one time, at least, I had some modicum of respect for."

Looking forward to the Corsairs' week 11 tilt with the 12th Avenue Bakers, Mojo D turned the mic over to coach Ray Lewis: "Our strategy is the same every week: we are very simply going to f*ck them up. And tell QCurl Sharif he should not ride his bike to the game." Lewis' thinly veiled reference to Sharif's still-unsolved, off-season bicycle accident got the attention of at least one reporter, but the rest were distracted by Mojo D's proclamation that "The Corsairs Victory bar is open!"

Breaking news POP COMATOSE, CHROME MISSING

Kicker Rob Bironas will continue as acting head coach of
the 12th Avenue Bakers for at least one more week. 

By Man Ray Natural
The Mainline Dope

NASHVILLE—12th Avenue Bakers' head coaching candidate Iggy Pop has been found unconscious in a Nashville area hotel room and Cheetah Chrome, another candidate, is missing. He did not show up for a scheduled dinner with acting GM Faith Popcorn last night in Germantown, and authorities have been unable to contact him.

It has been revealed that a half-empty bottle of Stoli was found in the room with Pop, but police are quick to point out that the longtime Stooges frontman brushed his teeth with vodka at one time in his career.

Bakers' owner QCurl Sharif has apparently joined in the search for Mr. Chrome personally, and has been seen driving up and down the Boulevard of Losers with CurlBaby. A giant facsimile of a marijuana cigarette, or "joint," has been mounted to the top of Sharif's Jaguar, and serves as a loudspeaker calling out to Mr. Chrome.

Chrome and Pop were named as frontrunners in the Bakers' coaching search, and Popcorn had indicated to some in the last few days that Pop had the inside track.

"We are concerned by the latest turn of events," Popcorn said this morning. "According to QCurl, Shiva is throwing furniture all about inside of Sharif's home and speaking in Russian. He's been staying there this week in an advisory capacity.

"Obviously, Rob Bironas will continue to coach the team this weekend."

When quizzed about the decision to leave quarterback RG III on the bench last night, Popcorn revealed that she, Sharif, and Bironas feel that he may spend the rest of the year on the bench.

"I consider him to be a loser," she said. "We beat the top team in the league without him, and QCurl and Bironas want to win — that's all. Just win."

MEEMAW = THUR MURR? Art Bell claims Commish is imposter

Is Commissioner Murrman (left) in reality her great-grandson, Thurman Murrman?

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

During his weekly “Bell-zebubba” call-in show early Monday, West Nashville team broadcaster Art Bell leveled a stunning accusation against the NFFA Commissioner: that she/he is a fraud.

According to Bell, whose radio show airs between midnight and 2 a.m. on Monday mornings, the person occupying the commissioner’s office is not Lorena “MeeMaw” Murrmann but her great-grandson, former Alamo Scouts owner Thurman Murrmann. The real MeeMaw, Bell said, lives in a nursing home in Alamo, Texas, where she is heavily sedated most of the time.

“How do I know?” Bell asked rhetorically over the air. “I know. A little bird told me. (Bubbas Director of Scouting) Ed Snowden told me. CurlBaby telepathically told me he saw it all from inside Shiva’s gullet. People would be at risk if I told you. It doesn’t matter how I know. I know.”

Bell claimed that, after selling his Alamo Scouts franchise to Dave Goodrow, who renamed it The Village Green, Thur Murr was consumed by resentment against Commissioner Bill Money, owner of the East Nashville Black Dogs, because the Black Dogs’ coach Jim McMahon routinely referred to Thur Murr as his “bitch.” According to Bell, Thur Murr also resented the league championships won by his uncle, Atlanta Smackdaddies owner Lex Dominica. “Thur Murr would whine, ‘He always treats me like a punk kid,’” Bell added.

Bell claimed he learned that Thur Murr hatched a plan to disguise himself as his ailing grandmother and then lobby league owners to name MeeMaw Murrmann as deputy commissioner of the NFFA. Following a mysterious head injury to Money, Murrmann took over his job as league commissioner.

Other than Dominica, only two current NFFA figures have seen MeeMaw Murrmann before she joined the league office. In town for a game against the Scouts, McMahon had breakfast at the restaurant she owned in Alamo, The Sunnyside Up, where he was served what he said Murrmann referred to as the special of the day, “huevos boberos.” Sea Hogs owner Tirik O’Bobber also met Murrmann in Alamo during the period he had assumed the identity of a border vigilante who called himself Bob America. However, following O’Bobber’s successful treatment for criminal insanity, the reclusive owner has said he has no recollection of meeting MeeMaw.

Several of the callers to Bell’s late-night show supported the host’s assertions about the commissioner’s true identity. “I can tell you it’s all true,” said one, who identified herself as Mo from Cashville. “Just follow the porn on the commissioner’s computer and the gay-looking pictures of Tim Tebow standing next to a cardboard cut-out of Jesus. The real MeeMaw is into violence, not pornography.”

When reached by phone this morning, Bell said, “The truth is out there. How Thur Murr fooled the powers that be in this league for more than a year, I don’t know. A lot of them have a very peripheral relation to reality to begin with, so that’s probably part of it. This whole league is like a big fantasy to them, except for Mojo D, who thinks it’s actually real.”

Commissioner Murrmann could not be reached for comment. A person who answered the phones at her office said she was in Alamo, making final preparations for the groundbreaking of the NFFA Hall of Fame, whose inaugural class includes Thur Murr and former Bakers coach Stumpy Legg.

SEARCH NARROWS, SHIVA VOMITS

Either Cheetah Chrome (left) or Iggy Pop will be the Bakers' new head coach.

By Man Ray Natural
The Mainline Dope

NASHVILLE—As Faith Popcorn works relentlessly to right the 12th Avenue Bakers' ship, it has been leaked that the coaching search has been narrowed to two candidates — Iggy Pop and Cheetah Chrome. Neither has previous NFFA ties, and it is believed that both would bring a more aggressive approach than was found under Snoop Lion.

And, it has been learned that Sharif has offered Lion a front office job, in an attempt to heal their relationship. Sharif is waiting to be notified by authorities as to whether he will face aggravated assault charges in a sideline incident in Cambridge two weeks ago.

Additionally, rumors are flying about the Bakers' headquarters that in a ritualistic scene at Sharif's home this weekend, theoretical balance was restored when Shiva and the owner downed several gallons of vodka, followed by the regurgitation of the beloved CurlBaby by the Great Destroyer and Restorer. Some informed observers believe — if the story is true — that a renewed relationship between Sharif and Shiva could spell trouble for Fubbi Quantz and Eckankar, as well as the volatile partnership with the Russian consortium. 

NFFA Commentary BAKERS WRESTLE 900-POUND GORILLA

The whole league is feeling the weight of the Bakers' 900-pound gorilla.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

BAKERVILLE—It's the NFFA's 900-pound gorilla, the one no one is talking about. Oh, people are talking about it privately and off-the-record, but no one is mentioning it in any of their public comments. Of course, the 900-pound gorilla I refer to is the eight-game losing streak of the 12th Avenue Bakers to start the 2013 season.

The Bakers' 0-8 record is not unprecedented. They started the 2007 season with eight straight losses, then put 227 points —  a franchise record — on the Alamo Scouts (now The Village Green) to get off the schneid. Their two eight-game losing streaks to start a season represent a league record. 12th Avenue also owns the record for the longest losing streak of any kind — 10 games in 2011, spanning from week two through week 11. With two more losses, the Bakes will equal that record. But even if they were to win out, they are still guaranteed to register their 10th losing campaign in 12 seasons.

Of course, no one hates holding these records for futility more than Bakers owner QCurl Sharif. Sharif is a brilliant, yet flawed man; one of the NFFA's five founding owners and the only one to have never won a championship of any kind, neither a league title, nor a division crown. But Sharif is resilient, if nothing else, and he has faced these trials in the past, so he almost certainly is feeling no pain, and I mean that literally.

No, the pressure is now building on 12th Avenue's opponents, who want to avoid the ignominy of being the Bakers' first victim in 2013. This week, that 900-pounds of pressure falls on the shoulders of The Village Green's owner, Dave Goodrow, and their head coach, Stuart Smalley. One wonders if once again this franchise will fall to the Bakers, as it did in 2007, and give 12th Avenue their first win of the season.

When reached earlier today, Goodrow said his team is feeling "no pressure at all." He added, "Coach Smalley instills in his players positive thinking and visualization."

If The Green can prevail this week, then the 900-pound gorilla jumps on the back of Tirik Obobber and his Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs. But if there is such a thing as karma, week 11 might be when the Bakes get to taste victory because that's the week they face Mojo D and the Downtown Corsairs, and their "turncoat" coach Ray Lewis, a longtime Baker who has been linked by NFFA security to an attempt on Sharif's life back in July.

West Nashville owner Mos' Ded, Sharif's longtime frienemy, claims the Bakers' woes stem from the death of Sharif's infant son, Curlbaby, at the hands of Shiva the Destroyer. "The Bakers will continue to lose until Shiva brings back Curlbaby," the Beelzebubba owner prophesied.

But Ded's theory is only one of several making the rounds at local NFFA hotspots, like Club Gitmo, The Goodrow-A-Go-Go, and even Sharif's own Cherry Bomb Café. Bakers beat writer Woody Larry is convinced the perennial losing by the 12th Avenue franchise is connected to when Sharif was flirting with Satanism, but the Bakers were losing then, too, so that doesn't seem likely. One league insider speaking only on the condition of anonymity suggested it was the curse of the monkey, a reference to the fact the Bakers introduced apes to the league's menagerie with fatal results.

Sharif's close friend Jim McMahon may have come closest to the truth when he offered the following explanation for the Bakers many years of losing: "Winning is just not that important to Q," the East Nashville Black Dogs head coach said. "Don't get me wrong, Q wants to win, but he wants to do other things a whole lot more."