CH-CH-CH-CHANGES Black Dogs lose GM, Coach as Lynch returns to the playing field

Marshawn Lynch steps down with a perfect record: one season, one championship.

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

The East Nashville Black Dogs announced today that GM/head coach Marshawn Lynch was stepping down effective immediately, marking the second time this week the franchise has announced big organizational changes.

But whereas owner Bill Money’s blockbuster press conference two days ago in which he announced he was stepping down to run for U.S. Senate sent shockwaves across the league, today’s announcement had been expected.

With the departure of Lynch, Money’s daughter Mo will become president of the team, while her twin sister Cash will take over the GM duties.

“Although that was some fo’ real shit we accomplished last year, and I’m wearing my ring right now, I realized I’m not done running through a muthafucka’s face; I'm stepping' down, so I can step on some bitches on the field, and those bitches know who they are,” Lynch said in the written release announcing his departure. At this time, Lynch remains a member of the Black Dogs roster, having signed himself as a free agent back in April.

Cash Money said in the release, “Our search for a new coach has already begun and has been the broadest possible. It’s now centered on a certain OG in the rap world who has a long association with football.”

After the news release hit, Black Dogs and London Bakers fan boards blew up with rabid speculation that the new East Nashville GM was referring to Bakers head coach, Snoop Dogg. Coach Dogg could not be reach for comment at press time.

MONEY VS. CORKER Bernie, Jesus join Black Dogs owner to announce U.S. Senate run

Sen. Bernie Sanders, cousin of Black Dogs owner Bill Money, and Nobel laureate Bob Dylan spoke at Money's Senate campaign kickoff press event.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

At a packed press conference today in downtown Nashville’s NFFA Tower, Black Dogs owner and former league commissioner William D. (Bill) Money announced he is running for the U.S. Senate seat currently held by Bob Corker.

As he declared his intentions to seek political office for the first time, Money was joined onstage by an all-star lineup of friends and political supporters, including Senator Bernie Sanders; Mick Jagger, Money’s former classmate at the London School of Economics; current commissioner Jim McMahon; league founder Jorgé Linardo; Nobel laureate Bob Dylan; NBA legend Bill Russell; rock star/absurdist Todd Snider; Money’s daughters Mo and Cash; and, in one of the biggest surprises of the day, a 42-year-old Brit introduced to reporters as Bill’s son Jesus Money.

“I am running so that we can take back Tennessee and then take back America in the name of integrity and human decency,” Money declared in his deep baritone voice. “I am running so we can take our government out of the tiny hands of people like Bob Corker and Donald Trump and put them back in good, big hands.”

As Money was speaking, Russell raised his enormous hands to accentuate the candidate’s point, drawing laughter from reporters.

“I am running for the people,” Money concluded, “because Tiny Bob is running from the people!”

Dylan, who spoke next, said in an almost unintelligible mumble, “Bill Money is working for us everywhere. I saw him out on Highway 61. I positively saw him on 4th Street. I saw him in the North Country. I saw him stuck inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues. I saw him on Desolation Row. I saw him driving six white horses near the penitentiary. Something’s happening here, Mr. Corker, and you don’t know what it is.”

Sanders, who followed Dylan, said, “Bill Money is a fighter. He worked tirelessly for me, starting in Iowa and all the way to the convention. He helped Jane and I do our taxes, which we were proud to make public. 

“Let me just say this,” Sanders continued, “At the end of the day, Bill Money knows how to win championships, and he will help you defeat Big Wall Street, Big Pharma, Big Coal, Big Business and Tiny Bob just as he has defeated friend and foe alike in the greatest sports league of all time. We don’t need any more white cats in the U.S. Senate. We need a black dog!”

Money’s candidacy, which had been rumored for weeks, wasn’t the only big announcement of the day. In a press release distributed at the end of the media event, the Black Dogs announced that Money is stepping away from his day-to-day role with the team and putting his assets in a blind trust. His role with the Black Dogs will be shared jointly by his daughters.

For many, both announcements were eclipsed by the revelation that Money has a son — which came as news to everyone in the room (including the Money sisters) except Jagger. When Jesus Money was introduced to the crowd as Bill’s only son, one reporter overheard Mo Money say to her sister Cash, “When did THAT happen?”

After the event, sources with the Black Dogs told reporters they had been authorized to say that Jesus Money is the offspring of a brief relationship, dating from his father’s time as a graduate student in economics, between Bill Money and Lady Sarah McCorquodale. Lady Sarah is the older sister of Diana Spencer, who married Britain’s Prince Charles and became mother to a presumptive heir to the royal throne. According to press reports, Lady Sarah had dated Charles before ending the relationship and introducing him to Diana. Her relationship with Bill Money occurred before she dated the prince, who apparently did not know about the existence of Jesus Money.

A separate press release distributed by the team contained yet another startling bit of news. Adding to a slight shift in the league’s center of gravity toward Europe, the Black Dogs announced that Bill Money and Mick Jagger will open their own club in London, which will be named Crossfire Hurricane and managed by Jesus Money.

“It’s an idea whose time has come and gone and come again,” Jagger was quoted as saying in the release about the new venue. “We can’t say Bill Money was the first football owner to make SoHo swing again. But while some aim for one-eyed pigs, we’re looking to get all the lovely young birds to flock over to Jagger and Jesus.”