BREAKING NEWS: EXPLOSION, FIRE DESTROY JOJO-A-GO-GO

An explosion today at the Jojo-A-Go-Go resulted
in a devastating fire. (Inage courtesy of CNN)


By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

NASHVEGAS — Late this afternoon, the midtown area was rocked by an explosion and fire at the trendy nightspot, Jojo-A-Go-Go. Nashvegas firefighters were still battling the blaze as of this writing, but the club is likely to be completely destroyed, according to a fire department spokesperson.

Details are still coming in, but here is what is known at this time:

Late this afternoon, after chief bartender Dexter Lowe opened the venue and began setting up for the evening, he was soon joined by Midtown Mojo mascot Mojo Jojo and Boyd X. Biggs, owner-coach of the West Nashville Beelzebubbas.

According to Lowe, it wasn't long before a violent argument broke out between the two. Biggs produced a baseball bat and was brutally beating the monkey when the bartender ran outside in hopes there was a policeman nearby. Just as he left the club, there was a loud explosion and the club burst into flames.

Lowe was thrown to the pavement by the blast, but miraculously, other than a few scrapes and bruises, he was uninjured. "After I gathered myself and realized I had no serious injuries, I tried to go back in the club for the monkey and Mr. Biggs, but the fire was too intense," said the bartender.

According to fire department spokesperson, Barry Heaton, there has been no sign of either Jojo or Biggs.

In what so far appears to be strictly a coincidence, the re-formed White Snake was scheduled to appear at the Jojo-A-Go-Go this evening.

More on this breaking story as it develops.

BAKERS WIN UGLY, PARTY HARD, PRAY HARDER

12th Avenue head coach Snoop Dogg has won more games than any in
Bakers' history. He credits a higher being for his success.

By Faith Popcorn
Bakers PR Director

NASHVILLE — As the clock wound down in the 12th Ave. Bakers' narrow win over Cambridge this past Monday night, head coach Snoop Dogg could be seen shaking hands on the sidelines with each of his players. Tears were streaming down his face.

"This was big for us -- staying alive," he said in the locker room afterward. "We got a big old stinky scalp a couple of weeks ago with the Beelzebubbas, then lost a close one to the Black Dogs — a loss that still hurts. I owe an apology to the Baker Nation and to Drew Brees on that one.

"So, we were against the wall last Monday night with the Animals. In the past, this would have been a game the Bakers would have lost ... but now, there's something in the air around here. I knew Portis would chump it somehow. I called it...I told Money earlier that day that he'd get about 14 carries for 40 yards. He went 14 for 43. That's what Mr. TD used to call 'chump-ass shit.' Now we seem to be heading in the right direction again — even though I haven't been able to find any of the team for practice this week."

Dogg also noted that the shaking of hands on the sidelines was more than a mere show of respect and gratitude — it was the actual passing of 'special Baker artifacts.' These artifacts are given out in lieu of game balls according to the Bakers front office.

"I want my guys to feel the love," said Dogg. "We haven't been scoring lately but we still win ugly. It's a ju-ju thing. Teams don't want to play us because they know we love each other. You can feel the shine when we come out onto the field. I expect them to win — and they are addicted to these artifacts. Then I want them to go home or come down to the Cherry Bomb and get it on, fo' shizzle. That love is part of the secret weapon...

"I talk to Shiva and higher spirits during the season and I receive blessings and an understanding of the cycles of this world. QCurl has joined me on occasion and — trust me — we have seen the glowing jewel. It turns and makes your skin warm. Amy, Michele and Obama are there. My fellow owners are there and I can see right through them."

When asked about the upcoming game with the Midtown Mojo — the hottest scoring team in the league — Snoop grinned. For a moment he seemed lost in time. The grin froze and his eyes rolled up into his head ...

"We know monkeys better than anyone," he said. "The feast begins now."

PORTIS GIMPY AS ANIMALS-BAKERS TILT WINDS DOWN

Cambridge RB Clinton Portis injured himself and left his girlfriend unconscious during this stunt.

By Faith Popcorn
Bakers PR Director

NASHVILLE-- BREAKING NEWS -- Reports from Cambridge are surfacing that Animals RB Clinton Portis has multiple strained groins, calf and ankle injuries following a morning stunt he and his longtime girlfriend performed for school children. He is questionable for tonight's action.

The stunt, which Portis refers to as the "Flying Nun," involved the running back as he would launch his girlfriend into the seats while lying on his back and using his legs for power. It is a stunt Portis had witnessed the owner perform himself with an actual nun at a stag party for the re-animated Fatty Arbuckle. His girlfriend is in critical condition after colliding with a service vehicle at Boston's Sisters of the Poor Elementary School.

A shaken and limping Portis was unavailable for comment following the accident. However, 12th Ave. owner QCurl Sharif expressed shock that Cambridge would allow their players to touch anyone on game days. The Bakers lead the Animals by a scant 5 points as they head into tonight's action.

"I know we keep our players sedate in custom sensory deprivation tanks prior to any game day action," Sharif said from his home today. "We pipe in a little motivational audio and oxygen mix that we think will be helpful, but we allow zero contact with others. These games in this division are huge ... no words to describe the importance of a win — and here I see how they roll in Cambridge. It's insulting when you think about it. I think the other owners would agree. But, all differences aside, I hope he doesn't get hurt any worse or have to leave the game early or anything like that."

NFFA INKS MOVIE DEAL Soderbergh to direct; big names line up for plum parts

Conan O'Brien (QCurl Sharif) and Vern Troyer (Mr. TD) in a
publicity photo for the forthcoming movie about the NFFA.


By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

NASHVEGAS — Coming in 2011 to a theater near you — NFFA: The Movie.

In a shocking blockbuster deal announced Thursday in a press conference at the Jorgé Linardo-owned nightclub, the Jojo-A-Go-Go, Bob and Harvey Weinstein of Miramax Studios announced they had signed an agreement with the NFFA founder to produce a feature-length film on the league. Financial terms of the deal were not disclosed.

The as yet untitled film is tentatively slated for release in December 2011 — just in time, noted Harvey Weinstein, for Oscar consideration. Steven Soderbergh will direct. Shooting will begin in May on location in Nashvegas. “We don’t have a script yet,” said Weinstein, “but we have a helluva story. It will practically write itself. We have an amazing director and an all-star cast that would make DeMille break out in hives.”

The movie will star:

Tom Skerritt as Jorgé Linardo
Conan O'Brien as QCurl Sharif (David Straithairn reportedly turned down the role)
Samuel L. Jackson as The Animal
Anthony Hopkins as Tirik Obobber
Joaquin Phoenix as Lex Dominica
Boyd X. Biggs as himself
Matt Damon as Thurman Murrman
LL Cool J as Mojo D
The Voice of James Earl Jones as Commissioner William D. Money

Also starring:

Cloris Leachman as Meemaw Murrman
James Gandolfini as Tony Soprano
Hallie Berry as The Pompatus of Love
Mary Kate Olsen as Mo Money
Ashley Olsen as Cash Money
Rip Torn as Buddy Ryan
Owen Wilson as Faith Popcorn
Gina Gershon as Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Vern Troyer as Mr. TD and Furious George
Robert Downey Jr. as Jizzle McMizzle
Omar Sharif as Shiva
John Goodman as Satan

And featuring:

Woody Harrelson as Devlin Redd
Li’l Wayne as Snoop Dogg
Darrell Hammond as Larry Woody
Julia Roberts as Amy Winehouse
Burt Reynolds as Saddam
Pam Grier as Foxy Brown
Marcello Mastrioni as Giorgio Cardinal Leonardo
Carlos Mencia as Manuel “Short Eyes” Linardo
Danny Glover as George Clinton
Dana Carvey as Haven Hamilton
Danny DeVito as Kim Jong Il
Larry Bud Melman as Joe Biddle
Vince Vaughn as Vince Lombardi
Tom Cruise as Tom Brady
M. Emmett Walsh as Stumpy Legg
Jeff Goldblum as Osama bin Laden
Antonio Banderas as Young Jorgé
John Malkovich as the Hager Twins
Duane “The Rock” Johnson as Steve McNair
Ben Stiller as Joe Namath
Tina Fey as Jenna Bush
Zulu as Kono
Peter O’Toole as General George Washington Leonard
Chuck Barris as Mojo Jojo

Weinstein acknowledged that it was unusual to release the cast before a script had even been developed. “But when they heard this movie was happening,” he said, “the phones started ringing off the hook. If you think the roster is impressive, you should have seen the talent we had to turn down. How do you tell Dame Judy Dench we just don’t have a spot for her? Fortunately, the whole cast agreed to work for scale, so we could keep the production budget under $100 million.”

RYAN CALLS SHARIF A 'GRAVE ROBBER'

QCurl Sharif: World leader or grave robber? Buddy Ryan (inset) thinks the latter.


By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — Maybe East Nashville GM Buddy Ryan got up on the wrong side of the bed. Or maybe he was hungover. Whatever the reason, at his weekly press breakfast yesterday morning, Ryan went nuclear on QCurl Sharif and his 12th Avenue Bakers team.

"Am I the only [expletive] person who remembers that the so-called QCurl Sharif, media darling and would-[expletive]-be world leader, used to be G.Q. Denney, a worthless drug addict, mad scientist, and presumed grave robber," Ryan asked the blurry-eyed members of the media gathered at the East Nashville Shoney's across from the Dog House. "G.Q. robbed mother[expletive] graves! Are you following me here, people?" It has long been rumored that Sharif has a zombie corral in Howenwald, Tenn., where he reanimates the dead — usually deceased celebrities.

"And his teams used to set the [expletive] standard for futility in this league," Ryan continued. "He couldn't buy a [expletive] win, and believe me, he tried."

When asked why he going off on Sharif at this particular time, Ryan said, "If I had to give you all the reasons QCurl Sharif makes me puke, this press breakfast would run into the dinner hour."

When one member of the media asked if Ryan was just trying to get inside Sharif's head in advance of this weekend's game with the Bakers, he shuddered visibly at the thought, then said, "Jesus [expletive] Christ, now that would truly be a scary, [expletive] place to be."

For the remainder of the press event, the Black Dogs exec repeatedly referred to Sharif as "G.Q.," as if he might conjure up the losing spirit of the old Q.

Following the breakfast, this reporter was reminded that the bad blood between Ryan and Sharif dated back to the night of the Black Dogs first championship in 2005, when both men were arrested for streaking down Woodland Street. The GM claimed to have been drugged.

When asked for comment regarding Ryan's remarks, Bakers media maven Faith Popcorn said, "We're not concerned with the ravings of a convicted pedophile."

It should be noted that Ryan was not actually convicted of pedophilia, only arrested as a suspect.

ANIMALS TEST-LAUNCH Q-2 League warned of ‘awesome awesomeness’; panic ensues in NashVegas

Copy of the Animals lineup card showing two starting quarterbacks.


By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

NASHVEGAS — In a development that threatens to shake the NFFA to its core, the Cambridge Animals have apparently made good on the promise of owner Dave the Animal to initiate his new two-quarterback, “Q-2” lineup for week six.

Early Tuesday, the NFFA commissioner’s office received from the Animals front office a routine email that is automatically generated whenever a team submits or changes its lineup. League personnel quickly noted something unique about this particular email: It listed two quarterbacks, Jay Cutler and Matt Shaub, in the starting lineup. NFFA rules permit only one quarterback in the lineup, and proprietary software blocks users from inserting another quarterback as a utility player.

“[The email] raised a red flag right away,” said one low-level NFFA staffer, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “The Animals never submit a lineup until Sunday morning — if then. That’s what made us take a closer look, and then we noticed the two quarterbacks.”

Because quarterbacks typically are the highest scoring players in a team’s lineup each week, the ability to add a second quarterback would provide an enormous advantage.

According to a time-stamp on the e-mail, within minutes of its arrival at the NFFA Tower, FSN received a statement from the Animals’ organization. It read in part: “This morning, we have successfully test-launched our revolutionary new Q-2 System that will guarantee a championship for the Animals in 2009. We will go live with the full system on Sunday morning, resulting in nuclear annihilation of the Beelzebubbas. There is nothing that the pathetic worms of the NFFA can do except stand in awe of The Animals’ awesome awesomeness.”

The news of the apparently successful test-launch was greeted with a mix of fear, loathing and skepticism around the league. Oddsmakers at the sports books in the Cherry Bomb Café and Club Gitmo refused to accept bets on the Animals-Bubbas game. In 12 South, panic-stricken crowds took to the streets, where many Baker Nation fans were seen weeping openly as others began praying to Shiva.

Black Dogs’ GM Buddy Ryan turned ashen-faced, then purple with rage, after hearing the news from a reporter, and could be heard over a phone line shouting, “Somebody look up the number for the [expletive] Geek Squad in the phone book and get the mother[expletive]s over here to check this [expletive] [expletive] out!”

Reached by phone in his secure bunker, Commissioner William D. Money said, “I am shocked. I didn’t even know we used software. My assistants told me we were using some guys in India who compiled all the data for $2 an hour to help us keep costs down for the owners.”

At the Beelzebubbas’ offices, coach Boyd X. Biggs sounded more doubtful. “Smells like a bunch of bull-mess to me,” Biggs said. “You meth-heads must be consuming so much of the Animals’ product that you’d believe anything.”

Media reaction was more sensational. “Animals Rock NFFA’s World” ran the headline crawl on FOX News. “DTA Cements Genius Reputation,” read a headline in the Boston Globe, referring to Dave the Animal as an acronym. “Q-2? Unmoeglich!” blared the header on the website of Germany’s Frankfurter Zeitung.

League officials have been frantically, but unsuccessfully thus far, attempting to find a way to prevent the Animals from inserting a second QB into a lineup on Sunday. Nor, said the inside source, have they had any luck determining how the Animals may have hacked into the league’s software. “We’re just in rumbling-fumbling-stumbling mode, right now,” said the software engineer. “We may be dealing with a superior technology.”

FSN will have more details on this story as they become available.

NFFA NOTES & NOTABLES Mojo D on ‘protective watch’ despite magazine’s rosy predictions

Methlon's NFFA Preview picks the 12th Avenue Bakers to win it all.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

NASHVEGAS — Methlon's 2009 NFFA Preview — the first team-by-team look at the Nashvegas Fantasy Football League — hit the stands Friday just in time for week five of the season.

Publishers of the slick, 188-page magazine, produced by the Cambridge-based M.I.T. Enterprises, acknowledged that “distribution problems” caused the inaugural edition of the magazine to be later than expected. “We have a great distribution system,” said Daniel David, Chief Operating Officer. “But we had some heavier than anticipated orders for other products we distribute.

“Like the Animal jokes, it was a snamu — situation normal, all methed up. But we’ll get this fixed.”

Methlon’s NFFA Preview predicts that the Midtown Mojo will meet the 12th Avenue Bakers in the league’s championship game, with QCurl Sharif’s franchise capturing its first NFFA crown. The magazine also projected that the Alamo Scouts would defeat the Atlanta Smack Daddies for third place.

MOJO D PLACED ON 'PROTECTIVE WATCH'

With the Mojo mired in an 0-4 season-starting slump, outgoing Commissioner William D. Money has ordered that team owner Mojo D be placed on what Money called a “preemptive" suicide watch.

"We care about the safety of all our team owners — or at least nearly all,” said Money who is to step down on October 31. The Mojo’s team plane, which Mojo D admits using to “dump players from the roster,” has been grounded by Money until October 18.

The commissioner expressed particular concern because the Mojo’s opponent this weekend, the Alamo Scouts, had set a lineup and appear to be making an effort to win. “It looks challenging for the Mojo,” Money said. “I guess the good news is that one of these two teams is going to get its first win, like it or not.”

GINN MISSING, ON UNABLE TO PERFORM LIST

Beelzebubbas’ WR/KR Ted Ginn Jr. has not been seen at team practices since Tuesday, when he showed up for a reunion party held for members of the undefeated 2008 Black Dogs’ squad, to mark the end of the 'Bubbas’ bid for a perfect season, the last team without a loss. Two witnesses told this reporter they last saw Ginn on an elevator going down at the Bubbas’ Club Gitmo complex.

Team spokesman Chuck Barris said he did not know Ginn’s whereabouts and denied suggestions that team founder Jorgé Linardo was angered by Ginn’s attendance at a party celebrating his own team’s defeat. “I think it was bad form,” said Barris, “but we all have to deal with disappointment in our own way.” Ginn was placed on the team’s Unable to Perform list on Friday morning, but Barris declined to elaborate. Barris also denied rumors that quarterback Eli Manning had been waterboarded to distract him from the pain of his plantar fasciatis and help him get ready to start on Sunday.

CHERRY BOMB SET TO REOPEN Coincides with Bakers-Bubbas clash and Bacchanal preview party

Libyan security forces patrol Quaddafi's Bedouin tent in Sevier Park.


By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

12 SOUTH — Just in time for the season’s first meeting between the Bakers and Beelzebubbas, the hallowed Cherry Bomb Café will reopen its doors this Friday — and host what organizers have dubbed as a “Bacchanal Preview Party.”

The guest list for the fund-raising event — proceeds help defray costs for the rebuilding of the club — is a closely held secret. However, rumors swirled this week that among the attendees will be First Lady Michelle Obama, who previously had been a guest of Bakers’ owner QCurl Sharif for a draft night party in late August.

Other rumored invitees include longtime Bakers’ ticket holders Jack and Frank May, Nashvegas Mayor Karl Dean, David Letterman, Libyan leader Muammar Qaddafi, Adam Dread, Keith Urban, Nicole Kidman, Congressman Steve Cohen, Joe Namath, the Duchess of Kent, Tom Arnold, Marsha Blackburn and Tony Dorsett. Dorsett is said to be negotiating with the Bakers to become the team’s new Mr. TD mascot in return for dropping a copyright infringement lawsuit against the team.

Some residents of Baker Nation complained that the private party was “undemocratic” and “against all the best Baker traditions,” in the words of superfan Bill Cheatham. Cheatham’s threat to lead a mass demonstration led Bakers’ PR maven Faith Popcorn to issue a statement: “No NFFA team has had a more intimate relationship with its fans, and I mean that in the most intimate sense of the word, than the Bakers and the Baker Nation. The Cherry Bomb is the people’s house. We simply ask for our fans to understand that we wouldn’t have been able to bring back the people’s house without the financial contributions of our VHPs — Very Helpful People.

“That being said — Mr. Cheatham is hereby invited — plus one.”

Along with its much beloved long bar and sports book, the reopened Cherry Bomb will include several new features, including a new wing of the Baker Museum dedicated to former QB Steve McNair and a Turkish bath area open to Black Card members. It was in the old Turkish bath area that McNair would recover and recharge, and the new one dutifully presents his bust as you enter.

The café celebrates the return of long-time chief mixologist Devlin Redd with two new drinks to complement its proprietary Touchdown Taser™. One, which Redd is said to have concocted for an Amy Winehouse-hosted birthday bash for Sharif, is known as the Mazel Tov Cocktail — a potent mix of Grey Goose with a skim layer of kerosene on top, which is ignited and served flaming. “Adam [Sandler] calls it the Lake Erie, but it doesn’t sound as festive, and besides, the flaming part is only temporary until the kerosene burns off,” says Redd.

The second new signature drink, which will be available only following Bakers’ wins, is known as the Seventh Seal. “It’s a little like a 7 & 7,” explained Redd, “but with some secret ingredients for extra kick. I can say the words absinthe and ether.

"Let’s just say it’s a revelation, and ‘revelation’ is not a word we use lightly around here.”

Sharif will personally cut the ribbon for the new facility after team officials discovered his whereabouts on Monday. Sharif had last been seen passed out in the party tent of Qaddafi outside New York City, where the Bakers’ owner had addressed the United Nations General Assembly. Somehow, as the Libyan leader’s camp was packed, Sharif apparently was flown to Tripoli, where he was informed of his team’s two consecutive losses as a traditional “sheep’s eyeball feast” was held in his honor. Sharif and Qaddafi arrived by private jet on Tuesday night, and the latter’s Bedouin tent was erected in Sevier Park.

In a rare public appearance, league founder and Beelzebubbas’ Chairman Dr. Jorgé Linardo will attend the grand opening along with his fianceé, actress January Jones. Beelzebubbas’ coach Boyd X. Biggs will lead the invocation, followed by a moment of silence for longtime Bacchanal emcee, Haven Hamilton, who died in September. “It won’t be the same without Haven,” Biggs said, “but death goes on.”

Mojo Jojo Returns to Midtown!

"The original inspiration for the Midtown Mojo is back" -- simian super-villain Mojo Jojo


Mojo Jojo Returns to Midtown!

By Soren Bernyn, FSN

Nearly two years since he left the Midtown NFFA franchise that bears his name, the simian super-villain Mojo Jojo has returned as the team's "heart and soul," according to Mojo D.

At the team's latest media availability at the newly remodeled Jojo-A-Go-Go, an abnormally jubilant Mojo D welcomed back Jojo: "Jojo was the original inspiration for this team, and Miss Lee-Yhn suggested -- nay, demanded -- his return. She pointed out to me: our record has been 3-15 since we sent Jojo away - coincidence?" Watch highlights from Mojo D's media availability below:

A few tidbits you won't find in the video:
The Mojo resurrected a team tradition by throwing Darren McFadden out of the team plane for scoring zero points. "We broke with tradition at Jojo's request however," Mojo D said. "We used to throw a parachute out after the player, this week we threw out Allen Rossum who also scored a goose egg. That's 4 out the door this season. "

This week's match-up of the two winless NFFA franchises could be a turning point for either one. The Scouts scored a historic low-point total in Week 4, and the Mojo could muster only 86 points. "There are times it looks like a slow-motion trainwreck," the Midtown owner/coach/GM said, "but there is no one to lay it on but Mojo D. I'm leaving points on the bench, and the guys aren't playing to win. But we have Mojo Jojo back in the fold and a couple of couches at the Jojo-A-Go-Go, so I think the boys will loosen up a but and start having fun again -- nothing but success could follow that."

Mojo D also ranted for a good bit about the Cambridge Animals and Dave the Animal, saying "the Animals scare me -- Dave and his happy little band of merry cranksters could run the table."

IS MCMIZZLE A CERTIFIED GENIUS?

The Methlon reporter who challenged Jizzle McMizzle's credentials as a coaching
genius can be seen in the above photo wearing a rasta crown and sunglasses .


By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — Things turned a little ugly Wednesday when a representative from Methlon's NFFA Preview disrupted East Nashville coach Jizzle McMizzle's weekly media zoo.

Midway through the press conference at McMizzle's eponymous nightclub, the Methlon reporter interrupted the coach, yelling, "Are you a certified coaching genius?"

Caught off guard by the question, the Black Dogs coach said," Am I a what?"

"Are you a certified coaching genius? One of your players, Terrence McGee, made a remark a few days ago about you being a real football genius, unlike some coaches who just call themselves geniuses," said the reporter, who was wearing dark sunglasses and a rasta crown over what appeared to be a large Afro.

"McGee was clearly referring to [Cambridge Animals owner] Dave the Animal," the unidentified reporter continued in a loud voice. "Dave the Animal is a certified genius — certified by M.I.T. I've seen the certificate. Are you a certified genius, Coach McMizzle? I think not. I know Dave the Animal, and you, sir, are no Dave the Animal."

"Well, first of all, I never said I was a genius, or that I was Dave the Animal," McMizzle said, regaining his composure. "But I buy it that the Animal is a genius, and that's why I am worried about our trip to Cambridge this weekend. By the way, who are you and what media are you with? I don't think I've ever seen you before."

"Daniel Davis with Methlon's NFFA Preview," the reporter muttered.

"Methlon's Preview, huh, I don't think I've ever seen it," McMizzle said. "When did it come out?"

"Well, it hasn't," he said. "We had some production delays, so now it will be a mid-season preview."

"Now there's a new genre of magazines for you — the mid-season preview," McMizzle quipped. Then he added, "Good luck with that, I think you'll need it," which drew a few laughs from the other reporters.

With that, the coach headed for the bar where a Morning Glory margarita awaited him, which signaled the end of the press event. As was his custom, McMizzle left the gathered media with a parting remark in Latin: "Oriens dominor bestia."

One final note regarding the Animal's certification as a genius by M.I.T.: The AWP has learned the accrediting institution was not the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, but rather the lesser-known Methamphetamine Institute of Technology.

CHAMPAGNE FOR BREAKFAST 2008 champs toast defeat of last unbeaten team

Frank Gore outside the Shoney's in East Nashville.


By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — Running back Frank Gore may have been too injured to suit up for the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs last weekend, but he was well enough to travel to East Nashville and drink champagne for breakfast with Black Dogs GM Buddy Ryan earlier today.

Gore, along with 15 other members of the 2008 Black Dogs team which went 16-0 including Chris Johnson, Brian Urlacher, Ted Ginn Jr., and Matt Shaub, joined Ryan at his weekly press breakfast to toast the loss suffered by the NFFA's last unbeaten team, the West Nashville Beelzebubbas. The 'Bubbas' loss to the Sea Hogs means the 2008 Dogs will remain the only undefeated team in league history — at least for one more season.

"I don't care what [Sea Hogs owner Tirik] Obobber thinks about it, I had to be here," Gore said, in between sips of Dom Perignon. "We went 16-and-0, mother[expletive]. Do you understand what I am saying? 16-and-[expletive]-0. That's why I will always be a Black Dog at heart.

"But that is meant as no offense to Dr. Linardo, who embraced me like a son during my two seasons as a member of the Beelzebubbas," he quickly added.

A number of current members of the East Nashville team who were part of the 2008 squad also attended the weekly breakfast at the Shoney's near the Dog House, including Tony Romo, Patrick Willis, Greg Jennings, Jared Allen, Terrence McGee, Maurice Jones-Drew, and injured cornerbacks Leodis McKelvin and Josh Wilson.

"Well, [Black Dogs coach] Jizzle [McMizzle] thought we should do it, and it sounded like a [expletive] good idea to me," Ryan explained. "I like getting [expletive] blotto at breakfast."

"It just seemed like the right thing to do," McMizzle added. "After all, these guys made history."

But several of the 2008 Dogs gave the credit to McMizzle. "Jizzle showed us the way to the promised land," said McGee, who has been a member of the Black Dogs since 2005, McMizzle's first season as head coach. "A lot of people in the NFFA call themselves geniuses, but Jizzle actually is one."

In other Black Dogs news, Ryan announced that he and McMizzle will wear pink for the entire season, not just the month of October. "That was another of Jizzle's ideas," he said. "According to him, pink is the new black."

MONEY WALKS Commish resigns over flap with Obobber

NFFA Commissioner William D. Money resigned this afternoon. AWP FILE PHOTO

NASHVEGAS — NFFA commissioner William D. Money resigned late this afternoon over what a source inside the league office described as "a scoring issue" with Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs owner Tirik Obobber.

According to the source, Money's resignation will take effect on October 31 to allow time for the owners to elect a new commissioner.

More from the Associated Web Press on this breaking story as it develops.

— AWP staff report