 |
| After snubbing R.E. Porter, President Donald Trump calls on Woody Larry at his inaugural press conference Tuesday. |
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports
At the first press conference of his new administration, President Donald J. Trump on Tuesday accused his fellow NFFA owners and Commissioner Jim McMahon of “collusion and total fraud,” claiming that they had cheated to prevent the team he owns, The Village Green, from winning its first league title.
When questioned by astonished members of the media, who had expected Trump to talk about such issues as immigration, trade and healthcare, Trump said, “They stole three to five million points from my team. We won by a huge amount. Huge. And they couldn’t handle it.”
The president also attacked media outlets that cover the NFFA, calling out FSN Sports and the Associated Web Press by name. “Fake news,” Trump said. “That’s all they do. Fake news. Pure fantasy. The carnage stops right here and right now.”
Trump did not elaborate on how he believed the commissioner’s office and fellow owners might have managed to steal three million points in league play. When Woody Larry of the Tennessean pointed out that fewer than 20,000 combined points were recorded by the NFFA’s eight teams during the regular season, Trump said, “That’s what the records show. That goes to my point. My team scored at least three million. At least. They took them off the books and buried them somewhere. You see what they did to us in their so-called Playoff League. Zero points for the Village Green. Zero. They’ve gone totally shameless. Maybe (Deputy Commissioner) Meadow Soprano’s waste management companies buried all our points in one of their landfills in New Jersey. We’ll find them.”
After Trump refused to take a question from AWP’s R.E. Porter — “You’re fake news,” Trump said — Woody followed up with the question Porter had intended to pose: “What action will you take?”
“You’ll see,” Trump said. He then detailed plans to purchase the Elias Sports Bureau, a compiler of sports statistics. “We’re going with alternative stats,” Trump said. “Then you’ll see the accurate picture we want and deserve. We’re going to win and win. We’ll so much our fans will get tired of winning. They’ll say, ‘C’mon, let the Bakers win for once before our sun burns out.’”
“Was there a ringleader of this conspiracy?” Woody asked. “What about your team’s long-standing hatred of (Corsairs founder and owner) Mojo D?”
“Fake news,” Trump said. “The truth is that we’re very close to Mojo D. He was actually a big supporter of my campaign. How big I won’t say, but big. He came to the wedding when Melania and I got married and gave us a very nice bottle of Trump Wine.
“There are some good owners in this league. I want to party with Mr. Obobber on his boat sometime. My people are trying to work it out. I hear he knows how to handle women and slaves. But then you’ve got people like Bill Money, who’s a notorious Euro-socialist. Way, way out there. And Mos Ded, who’s with ISIS. And I think everybody knows by now that Sharif is a chocolate poodle for the Ukrainians.”
With that, Trump left the podium, citing a Skype conference with Russian president Vladimir Putin.
Reached for comment, Deputy Commissioner Soprano said she would have to view a videotape of Trump’s press conference before responding. Commissioner McMahon, whom reporters caught up to at the McMahonistan bar at Club Gitmo, asked, “Donald Trump is president? Who’s Donald Trump?”
Meanwhile, Sharif told reporters in London, “We think alternative stats are a great idea,” Sharif said. “That multiplies our chances of winning. In fact, after we recalculated our scores this year using our alternative stats, we found that the Bakers are the rightful champion, and it’s not close. We’re sending a courier to East Nashville tomorrow to pick up the trophy."
As to the rest of Trump’s remarks, Sharif added, “This obviously fits his overall narrative. Tiny hands, big numbers, mediocre results. And I don't mind being called a 'chocolate poodle' by someone who's obviously motivated out of fear of a black planet. Vanilla seems to be his speed. I hope this thing somehow lands in front of the honorable Naomi Morningstar."
