Patricide Plagues NFFA in Wake of Jones Revelation
By C.T.E. Furall
Bikini Football League Gazette
After the Associated Press reported that while celebrating one of his four touchdowns, Aaron Jones lost a necklace he wears with a little black football containing some of the ashes of his late father, a rash of patricides has swept through the NFFA.
Aaron Rodgers, when asked about his father's recent death, replied that his 57-year-old father had been quite old for his age. Rodgers senior was found yesterday dressed for his daily high-impact workout with a stake through his heart. "I'm thinking that I should be good for the rest of season," Rodgers remarked. Rodgers is planning to wear a jock strap lined with his father's ashes.
Not to be outdone, Josh Allen, who, according to Bronko Nagurski, is off to a particularly poor start, plans to wear one of his dad's metacarpals through his nose starting Sunday in Washington against the Washington Football Team. "Mom said he had emphysema," Allen claimed. "So I figure COVID-19 had 'em in its targets anyway." Allen senior was spotted Sunday night in a vat of Buffalo wings by an employee at the Anchor Bar on Main St in Buffalo.
A receiver with seven drops already this season asked for anonymity before exclaiming to this reporter that "None of this is fair! Mama told me I ain't got no daddy. Wonder what would happen if she had an accident tho."
Ezekiel Elliott also complained. "I cut my daddy's throat over a year ago and I still missed most of last season. Better carry over into this one or my stepdad gonna have to watch his step."
Rumors that Christian McCaffrey slew his entire family in July, cousins included, have not been confirmed, but authorities would like a closer look at his new necklace, which McCaffrey has claimed is made of puka shells.
Cole Beasley's father died of COVID-19 in August after the receiver returned from a Phish concert in Florida, which he attended as the special guest of Governor Ron DeSantis. "Maybe I'd be doing better right now if I had used a knife," Beasley commented.
Further details when they become available.
