MONEY RESPONDS TO QUESTIONS OF COACH'S SEXUALITY

Does this man look gay to you? Well, come to think of it ...


MONEY RESPONDS TO QUESTIONS OF COACH'S SEXUALITY

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

In a statement emailed to major media outlets late this afternoon, NFFA commissioner William D. Money responded to the recent FAUX News report alleging East Nashville Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon is gay and questioning his job security.

The following is the full text of the commissioner's statement:

"I've spoken to Buddy Ryan, president of the East Nashville franchise, and confirmed that team policy bars discrimination against an employee because of his or her sexual preference. Of course, everyone should know that although I own the team, I have no control over the team. Five years ago, at the insistence of the former owner of the Atlanta Smack Daddies, I placed the team in a trust which since has been managed by Buddy.

"But even though I'm not running the team, I wanted to confirm that the team's policy prohibiting any kind of discrimination was still intact. And as I previously stated, it is.

"When I spoke to Buddy, I asked him if it would matter to him if Jim was gay, and he responded with a string of profanity which I took to mean no. I personally could care less who Jim is sleeping with as long as it isn't me. What matters most to me is that from the time Buddy hired Jim prior to the 2005 season to the present, the Black Dogs have won a championship and have been the highest scoring team in the league. Last season, they set an all-time mark for best regular season record (12-2). This year, the team is off to a 3-0 start. Seriously, who is going to have a problem with that kind of productivity?

"Do I need to remind everyone that this is a league with a history of strange and twisted coaches, including one who was a zombie; so even if Jim is gay, and I'm pretty certain he isn't, but even if he is, so what. He would still be a model citizen in comparison.

"I must add, however, that I totally disapprove of what Meemaw Murrman allegedly did to Triki Bobber. And if I had been Jim, I would have rushed to the nearest hospital to have my stomach pumped as soon as I heard that. But of course, I'm a vegetarian and Jim isn't."

The statement was signed: Commissioner William D. Money.

In a related note, Ryan posted a message on the league smack board today which read: "It is nut-cutting time in the NFFA."

COACH MCMAHON — OUT OF THE CLOSET??? (UPDATE)

FAUX News stands by its story that East Nashville coach Jim McMahon is gay.

COACH MCMAHON — OUT OF THE CLOSET??? (UPDATE)

UPDATE: Ariel Mutha-Tafoya of Fantasy Sports News published a story today claiming the following FAUX News story published yesterday is false. FAUX News denies the allegation and stands by its story. Hence, FAUX News has re-posted its story in its entirety. FAUX News and Bill O'Really hold themselves to the highest standards of fantasy news and journalistic integrity. Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, on the other hand, has failed to follow proper journalistic practices and has violated the high standards of fantasy news and journalistic integrity. She may have fallen victim to the shenanigans of the illegitimate son of Dick Cheney, also known as Boyd X. Biggs, who is known for spreading false and libelous stories. Faux News is investigating and has contacted authorities for possible criminal prosecution.

Yesterday's story reads as follows:

Nashvegas — In a development that has rocked the NFFA and all of professional football, Coach Jim McMahon of the East Nashville Black Dogs has come out of the closet wearing a pantsuit belonging to Sea Hogs president Hillary Clinton.

Finally putting to rest the rumors that have surrounded his sexuality, McMahon announced his gayness on the cover of the prestigious People magazine while holding his new baby boy Bruce who was given birth recently by a surrogate mother artificially inseminated by McMahon.

Questions of McMahon's manhood arose several weeks ago when a photo of the Black Dogs coach strutting the catwalk in a light blue pantsuit appeared in a local gay-pride newspaper. The photo was taken at a fashion show to raise money for AIDS Awareness Week. Said fashion designer Pepe Lepeu who observed the event, "That pantsuit fit him perfectly. I didn't expect his behind to fill out the seat, but apparently all those fruity drinks at the local clubs and his penchant for heavy breakfasts gave him just the right curves."

McMahon's light blue pantsuit was rumored to belong to his friend Hillary Clinton, president of the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs. When asked about the photo, Hillary appeared shocked. "When he told me he wanted to get into my pantsuit, I had no idea he wanted to WEAR it. All of his phone calls to me at 3:00 AM weren't booty calls, . . . he was trying to STEAL my wardrobe. I knew I shouldn't have let him pick up my laundry," she said disgustedly.

Whether Coach McMahon's revelation will have any effect on his coaching job with East Nashville remains to be seen. Black Dogs owner William D. Money could not be reached for comment.

McMAHON ADMITS LICKING BOBBER’S BALLS

Meemaw Murrman displays the pruning shears
she used to remove Triki Bobber's testicles.


McMAHON ADMITS LICKING BOBBER’S BALLS
‘Didn’t realize what I was doing,’ Dogs coach says, ‘But it tasted good’

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

Hardly anyone inside the NFFA took it seriously when Triki Bobber, the criminally insane and imprisoned ex-president of the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, combined a doctored charity auction photo of Hillary Clinton with the upcoming People magazine cover to suggest that Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon is an out-of-the-closet homosexual. “Bless his heart,” reacted team president Clinton. “I worry whether he’s getting his mad cow medication in prison.”

Nevertheless, the story prompted an unsolicited phone call from FBI Special Agent Clarice Starling, who provided startling new details in the Bobber case. Though Agent Starling claimed to have no knowledge of whether McMahon, who is famously single, is gay, she did drop this bombshell: McMahon has tasted Bobber’s testicles.

Out of consideration for Bobber’s privacy (and privates), Starling originally failed to divulge one of the most intriguing events from Bobber’s savage beating by Meemaw Murrman in Alamo, Texas — a beating prompted by threats from Bobber against several longtime Hispanic customers of Murrman’s restaurant, Fat Bubbadog’s Sunny Side Up.

After knocking Bobber unconscious with a cast-iron skillet, several restaurant patrons dragged Bobber to the kitchen, where Meemaw Murrman removed his testicles with the garden shears she uses on her rosebushes outside. “I just snipped ‘em right off,” Murrman confirmed to this reporter, “just like you’d prune a deadhead.”

Murrman’s fry cook, Baldemar “Chuy” Chicharones, snatched the severed testicles, washed them off, place them in a zip-lock bag and stored them in the freezer. “Huevos el hombre,” explained Chicharones, who speaks no English. “Mucho gusto.”

Chicharones remembered and quickly unthawed the frozen testicles when McMahon came to the Sunny Side Up for breakfast — after spending all of Sunday night next door at Fat Bubbadog’s Gentlemen’s Club — following the Black Dogs victory over the Alamo Scouts. Dipped in a light batter and fried, the “huevos” were served to McMahon with the Southwestern omelet he had ordered. “I noticed he had a happy plate,” Meemaw Murrman said afterward. “There was nothing left on it, and he walked out with a smile.”

Agent Starling noted that Bobber has since been fitted with prosthetic testicles. She also said that Murrman’s act had not affected Bobber’s ability to father children, since he had undergone a court-ordered sterilization as a teenager in Arkansas.

Reached early Thursday morning at Foobar in East Nashville, McMahon expressed surprise that he had consumed Bobber’s testicles. “You know, I remember asking Meemaw about them at the time, and she said they were calf fries — a local delicacy,” McMahon said. “They were kind of like salmon croquettes. Very tasty, too.

“It’s kind of funny,” McMahon added after a sip of his drink. “I heard after we beat them in week one that Bobber said I could lick his balls. Karma’s kind of a bitch, huh?"

When a reporter asked about Bobber’s allegations of homosexuality, McMahon smiled wanly and said, “You know, I’ve been married for many years. Her name is Margarita. And I believe I’ll have another.”