MONEY RESURFACES, RULES ON RAY RAY

Ray Lewis is at the center of a controversy between the Bakers and the Corsairs.

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

NASHVEGAS—In a move that threatens to shake the very foundation of the NFFA, Commissioner William D. Money resurfaced today and announced his ruling on the controversy surrounding the hiring of Ray Lewis as head coach by the champion Corsairs.

As was reported by FSN last week, the 12th Avenue Bakers filed a formal complaint with the league office, as well as a civil lawsuit, to block the Corsairs's hiring of Lewis, claiming they have the rights to him on the basis of a preexisting contract. 

In a written statement released to the media today, Commissioner Money issued the following ruling:

The 12th Avenue Bakers have provided the NFFA office with a copy of the contract Ray Lewis signed with the team 12 years ago. Our attorneys have examined the document and deemed it to be authentic and enforceable. Therefore, I must find in favor of 12th Avenue in this matter. But instead of disallowing Ray's contract with the Corsairs, I have decided to allow Ray to become their head coach and to compensate the Bakers by awarding them the Corsairs first-round draft pick in the 2013 draft, giving them the second and the eighth picks in the first round.

According to a highly placed source within the league office, Money said Bakers owner QCurl Sharif had been pressuring him, insisting he do something about what Sharif called "this abomination." The source continued, "The commissioner said QCurl 'gets attached to people — and monkeys' — and he wasn't going to let it go."

Money has been absent from the league offices since August when he suffered a severe cranial injury there as the result of a vicious assault by an unknown assailant, and employees were surprised to find him in his office when they arrived this morning. Deputy Commissioner Meemaw Murrman had been in charge in Money's absence, but she left town for Texas Wednesday night to oversee construction on the league's new Hall of Fame in Alamo and will be out of the office until the middle of next week. According to the source, the commissioner said he planned to be in the office for the next few days.

The AWP will have more on this story as it develops.

Q SAYS 'NO NO" ON RAY RAY 12th Avenue Bakers file lawsuit to stop hiring of Lewis by Corsairs

Snoop Lion throwing down at the Bakers press conference earlier today.

By Faith Popcorn
Bakers PR Maven

BAKERVILLE—In a swift, aggressive move, the 12th Avenue Bakers filed a formal complaint with the NFFA, and a lawsuit seeking to void the new coaching contract Ray Lewis signed with the defending champion Corsairs. Bakers owner QCurl Sharif spoke at a hastily called press conference on the front steps of the Cherry Bomb Café, with head coach Snoop Lion. Sharif addressed what he believed to be key issues.

"Ray has always been a Baker in his heart, but we all know this is a business, and I was happy for him — and Mojo D — when the Corsairs won the trophy and closed out his career," Sharif said, holding a photograph of the two men murdered in the Atlanta melee years ago when Lewis was a prime suspect in the investigation. "These two men, Shorty and Derby, paid the ultimate price for crossing Ray Ray, and though he was not convicted, he confided his role in that night with me.

"A friend of the Bakers in Atlanta agreed to burn the clothes that Ray and his driver had thrown in the dumpster as they left the scene of the fight behind the Cobalt Lounge — which I happen to own. After the trial, Ray agreed with me in principle on a few items, and signed a contract with the Bakers that would take effect immediately upon his official retirement. He signed it, with our attornies present, to say 'thank you' for our part in his acquittal. Those items, while sensitive, revolve primarily around procurement. He would, and the Bakers consider him, Director of Procurement — effective immediately. The contract with the Corsairs is null and void."

As the two waved off questions to go back inside The Bomb, several shots rang out, seemingly from the direction of Sevier Park. As undercover uniformed officers alike ran toward the sound, the coach pushed his owner through the front doors, before taking the microphone as some onlookers remained flat on the ground.

"Get your ass home Ray ... this ain't Compton, or Baltimore for that matter. QCurl ain't Tupac — so don't make us get real up in here," Lion said. He then ran in a zig-zag motion around the side of the club, where he was seen jumping into a car with two unidentified men.

Corsairs Name Ray Lewis Head Coach

Lewis at the Corsairs' Announcement Experience, sporting NFFA 2012 Championship bling (the letters "RBLTG": "Rather Be Lucky Than Good")

By Soren Bernyn
FSN

After emotionally leading the Corsairs to their first NFFA Championship under owner Mojo D, Ray Lewis was tapped as the team's next head coach. "When God is with you, no one can be against you," Lewis preached "and God is with this team. Before the championship game, I laid my hands on Mojo D's chest and said 'this is our day' -- and look what happened!"

"I cannot measure Ray's contribution to the Corsairs' championship in mere human terms or language. He was carrying this team from the sidelines, and I expect his inspiration to instill passion and abject fear into the team next year and I hope for many seasons to come." The Corsairs hosted a throng of media for the "Announcement Experience" at the soon-to-open Music City Center, where the team plans to play its games next year, on the green roof of the gargantuan structure in downtown Nashvegas.

Are more changes afoot for the Corsairs? Mojo D was spotted at the Grammy awards, hobnobbing with Jack White at the Third Man after-party. Despite White's shut-out from the awards, he delivered the evening's best live performance - a raw, visceral, two-song eargasm that he reprised at the after-party, along with nuggets from his vast catalog, including "Rather Be Lucky (Than Good) (Any Day)," a 2012 co-write with Mojo D which memorializes the Corsairs' guiding principle during their 2012 Championship run.

Corsairs' spokeswoman Rosetta Stone would say only that the team "will neither confirm nor deny rumors that Mojo D is negotiating naming rights to the franchise with certain unnamed Grammy nominees."

Mojo D crushes it with Jack White after the Grammys

BUBBAS HIRE GLANVILLE AS NEW HEAD COACH Void filled, reminds West Nashville fans team had lacked on-field director

New West Nashville Beelzebubbas head coach Jerry Glanville takes questions at the press conference earlier today announcing his hiring.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

In a surprise announcement this morning, the West Nashville Beelzebubbas named Jerry Glanville as the team’s new head coach.

Glanville, who previously coached the Houston Oilers and Atlanta Falcons and served as an occasional hunting companion to league founder Dr. Jorgé Linardo, was introduced at an 8 a.m. press conference in the swank Palenque room at Club Gitmo.

The announcement seemed to give some clarity and direction to the organization that many believed had been missing since the death of owner Boyd X. Biggs, who had been the only coach in the team’s history. Since Biggs’ tragic death in a fire at the JoJo-a-Go-Go, the question of exactly who makes personnel and game decisions for the team has been something of a mystery.

“I was stung as much as a ghost can be stung by the claim that our team was rudderless,” admitted the Ghost of the Ghost of Biggs, who introduced Glanville to the media. “But as Chuck (Barris) pointed out to me, we went to the championship game three out of four years before I died the first time, and we haven’t been back there since. In hindsight, I think maybe I’ve been spread too thin.

“We needed to shake things up a little,” said Biggs, adding without elaboration that the team might make additional “thunderous” moves in the coming weeks.

In his own remarks, Glanville promised to return the team to its freewheeling, bare-knuckle roots. “Mr. Linardo asked me if we’re going to kick ass and take names, and I told him no,” Glanville said, alternately sipping a Colt 45 and a can of Red Bull. “I told him we don’t have time to take names because we’re going to be so busy kicking ass, and he started laughing silently. Some people say the NFFA has become a gentlemen’s league, and we sure aim to end that kind of foolishness.”

Glanville bristled momentarily when WKRN’s Joe Biddle asked whether the new coach had been hired, in part, because the Bubbas hoped to capitalize on his long association with Elvis Presley, perhaps even bringing him back to Nashville to headline the Bacchanalia to the Future. “You know,” Glanville said after a moment’s reflection, “I’m not the first one to say this, but it’s amazing the kind of bullshit you hear when you don’t have your gun.” Glanville admitted that he would continue his custom of leaving two seats at the will-call window for Presley, “and if he comes and wants to do the halftime show, we’re not going to stop him. But we’re focused about what happens on the field. We’re not here to play football. We’re here to commit football, like the NFFA motto says” — an apparent reference to the Latin phrase “E Pluribus Mayhem” that appears on the league’s official logo.

In a separate announcement on the Beelzebubbas website, the team revealed that former adult film star Karl Hungus and Jackie Treehorn Productions would head up a new video-on-demand division of the team’s operations, which will deliver team highlights, behind-the-scenes videos, and “other content” for a monthly subscription, according to the press release.