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| QCurl Sharif, who helped repel the Russian incursion in 2014, is now regarded as an Ukrainian national hero after rallying the troops on the frontlines recently. |
FSN Sports
Sir QCurl Sharif and Snoop Dogg, who had been missing in Ukraine following Russia’s invasion nearly two weeks ago, arrived safely in London late Friday after what appears to have been a joint Anglo-American rescue operation.
UK government sources confirmed that Sharif and Snoop, along with newly hired Bakers defensive coordinator Dr. Dre, returned to London Sunday after a harrowing and bloody escape via the Black Sea.
Sharif, who was not available for comment, was said to be recuperating inside his private decompression chamber at his club, the One-Eyed Pig.
According to diplomatic and US military sources, the Russian invasion trapped Sharif and his party inside Sharif’s dacha on Snake Island, off Ukraine’s Black Sea coast near Odessa. President Joe Biden, a longtime friend of the Bakers’ owner and godfather to his son, Curl Baby, dispatched General George Washington Leonard to organize a top-secret rescue mission to retrieve Sharif “by any means necessary.” UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson ordered MI-6, the British intelligence agency, to coordinate with their American military counterparts on the operation. According to unconfirmed reports, Queen Elizabeth herself reached out to Johnson to request a rescue of Sir Q.
Before Sharif’s escape, Snake Island became the site of an instantly viral confrontation between Ukrainian border guards and a Russian warship demanding their surrender. “Go sit on a dick,” the Ukrainians replied to the Russians’ message. But before Russian forces could land and seize the island, sources say Gen. Leonard arrived in a US submarine that torpedoed the Russian vessel and evacuated Sharif and his entourage. Sources also said that the Ukrainians helped Sharif booby-trap his dacha before he left. US satellite footage showed a series of huge explosions when Russian troops entered the compound, apparently in search of Sir Q.
The White House and the Pentagon had no comment on these reports.
QCurl Sharif with the Chocolate King.
In an exclusive interview with FSN, former Ukrainian president Petro “the Chocolate King” Poroschenko, an ally and onetime business partner with Sharif, offered additional perspective on Sharif’s role in recent events — and his future place in Ukrainian history.
“Sir Q was already seen as a heroic figure by Ukrainians,” explained Poroschenko, who remains in Kyiv. “People remember 2014, when he brought 20 tanks here that he paid for at his own expense and rode against the Russian invaders in the East. In recent weeks, they have seen images of him on TV at the front lines, speaking to the troops, handing out Bakers gear and raising his fist with us as he shouted ‘Slava Ukraina!’
“The criminal midget Putin wanted to capture Sharif almost as much as he wants to take our country. For him, it wasn’t so much a matter of NATO or EU membership. The NFFA and its culture represents everything Putin hates — most of all its freedom and beauty. He chafed that Sharif would form alliances and have a residence here. Then he fumed that Sharif would make sport of his stooge and sock puppy Donald Trump at his annual Integrity Dinner in London. But when he and the fellow Satan worshipper Mos’ Ded staged their decadent Bacchanal event in Odessa, so close to sacred Russian soil, and then talked about having the 2022 Kickoff Classic in Kyiv, it was all too much for little Vlad. His KGB brain melted, and he began making plans for the invasion. You could say that Sharif and the NFFA are really what this whole invasion is about.
“This is why we could not allow our friend QCurl to fall into Russian hands, even though he wanted to stay and fight with us. He is more valuable alive and in the West. He and the NFFA are symbols of what we are fighting for. That is why, as you may have heard, Putin broke all the glasses and china in his palace when he saw photos of captured Russian soldiers wearing Bakers T-shirts. He claimed we forced them to wear them, but they were all asking for them. Now they want Baker ball caps and nipple rings, too, which we’re hoping to bring in through Poland.
“I have spoken to my brother QCurl after he landed in the UK. He began to weep when I told him that a baby born yesterday in the Kiev subway had been named in his honor – Sharifova Shevhenko. I told him to stay strong, as he helps us stay strong.”
In related news:
After Putin ally Roman Abramovich announced plans to sell his majority ownership stake in the Chelsea Football Club, officials of the Premier League have approached Sharif about buying the franchise. Meanwhile, rumors have swirled, apparently fueled by former PM and Sharif confidante Tony Blair, that the Bakers plan to change their official team colors from blue and white to the blue and yellow of the Ukrainian national flag. FSN will update these developing stories.
