BIGGS’ GHOST REMAINS SIDELINED FOR PLAYOFFS Rebuffed by 'Bubbas, ex-coach turns to predictions and tell-all books

The ghost of Boyd X. Biggs was recently photographed hanging out
at The Cherry Bomb Cafe with hidden infrared cameras.


By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

FSN has learned that the ghost of Boyd X. Biggs reached out to the Beelzebubbas organization on Thursday morning, requesting that he be allowed to resume his former coaching duties. Team sources, however, said that Charles Woodson would remain as interim head coach “for the foreseeable future.”

Biggs’ ghost apparently sent his proposal via text message to Jorgé Linardo, the team’s CEO Emeritus and Biggs’ mentor. According to a source who had seen the message, Biggs said that, while he was enjoying life on the other side, it “lacked the excitement” of the NFFA. “There’s no violence,” complained Biggs, “and all the stuff that QCurl [Sharif] told me about 70 virgins was bullsh*t. Turns out there were some 70-year-OLD virgins. Which would have been OK if they’d been nuns, but they weren’t.”

Describing himself as a “restless spirit,” Biggs wrote that he’d like to return to the sidelines for the Bubbas’ playoff run.

“Dr. Linardo and I don’t think this is a good idea,” said Bubbas’ Community Outreach Coordinator Anton Chigur. “The team got hot when Biggs died, and we don’t want to mess with the fragile chemistry. (Messing with chemistry is for the Animals.) Dr. L is trying to work something out where maybe Biggs can inhabit the body of Mo Money — I mean, it’s not like he hasn’t been in there before — and coach the Sea Hogs.” Otherwise, said Chigur, Biggs would continue in his role as “freelance volunteer scout” for the team.

In an exclusive interview with FSN, the first since his demise, Biggs described himself as disappointed by the news, but said that “death goes on” and that he would stay involved in other pursuits. He said he’s working on a new book, Who’s Gay in Paradise, and is devoting some of his spare time to “helping OJ find the real killer.” He also promised to “blow the lid off this whole Bermuda Triangle thing,” but is waiting “until the price is right” to sell the story to media organizations.

Still, said Biggs, he hasn’t adjusted to his new lifestyle. “There are advantages and disadvantages to no longer needing physical sustenance,” he philosophized. “Right now I’d give my left nut for a Touchdown Taser™.”

Asked specifically to comment on Dave the Animal’s claim that God was bringing about the end of the world in retribution for the Bakers’ playoff-clinching victory over his team, Biggs said the information appeared to be false. Instead, he confirmed the accuracy of the Mayan long-count calendar, which predicts the world will end in December 2012. “I was talking the other day to Quetzlcoatl, who had been to a barbecue with some of the Mayan pantheon, so I have this on good authority,” Biggs explained. “In 2012, the Animals will finish the regular season 14-0 and breeze through the first round of the playoffs. Then, before they can close out the championship, the world blows up like some giant meth lab. Quetz says that would be some funky karma, if ,of course there were such a thing as karma.”

MCMIZZLE DEPLOYS 'MAJOR JUJU' AGAINST BEELZEBUBBAS Mayan shaman named assistant coach for playoffs

New Black Dogs assistant coach Don Carlos, shown here outside
the team's East Nashville headquarters, is in charge of juju.


By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — Earlier this week, West Nashville executive Chuck Barris said, "If you want to be the shizzle, you have to beat McMizzle."

He was referring, of course, to East Nashville Black Dogs head coach Jizzle McMizzle, the winningest coach in NFFA history, who the Beelzebubbas face in the opening round of the championship playoffs at the Dog House this weekend.

In five seasons, McMizzle has compiled an unmatched resume, which includes a 51-19 regular season record (.729 winning percentage), five consecutive Jorge division titles, and two NFFA championships, including last year's perfect 16-0 team.

Barris also noted recently that "the Black Dogs are still respected, but they are no longer feared." McMizzle would be the first to admit his injury-ridden 2009 squad is not the equal of the undefeated 2008 team. Maybe that's why he brought a new assistant coach on board for the playoffs, a genuine Mayan shaman named Don Carlos.

In announcing the hire, McMizzle said in a written statement, "Coach Don Carlos will be in charge of juju, and we need some major juju after losing three of our final four regular-season games."

The Don's hiring would appear to have already paid dividends. He was on the sideline last night when the Black Dogs grabbed a big lead over the 'Bubbas behind a 31-point performance by Dogs running back Maurice Jones-Drew.

Jones-Drew was seen huddling with Coach Don Carlos throughout the game, and drinking some clear liquid from a Mason jar. When asked what was in the Mason jar, McMizzle said the liquid was something called pox (pronounced posh with a long "o"), a corn elixer brought by the shaman from his native Guatemala.

According to a league official, pox is not a banned substance in the NFFA.

Mojo D: “The Mojo will win the division”

 Mojo D carries this photo of Tirik Obobber (a.k.a. Bob Hitler, c. 1988) in his briefcase for those times when he "must generate the fury of a thousand white-hot suns..."

Mojo D: “The Mojo will win the division”

By Soren Bernyn, FSN
After several weeks incommunicado, Midtown Mojo owner/coach/GM Mojo D sat down to discuss his team’s recent reversal of fortune – a three-game win streak at a point in the season when it appeared meaningless – his enduring contempt for the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, and the Midtown Mojo’s improbable run at the 2009 NFFA Championship.

Asked if he was disappointed with his team this year, he replied “Hell no! I am psyched! We’re in a position to win the Linardo division!! Nothing would please me more than to sweep the Sea Hogs, make them my bitch for this season, and end up with a 5-1 record in the division. After we win our division this week, the playoff push begins and it couldn’t come at a better time for the Mojo.” 

Wait a minute: the playoffs? “Sure – the team is ready – performing at their highest level all season.” Reminded that his team’s record would be 6-8 with a win this week, he threw his head back and laughed silently. Then added, “OK – stay with me, boy, while I connect the dots for you. With a 5-1 record in the Linardo Division, the Mojo are the best team in the division. The rules state: 

'Four teams qualify for the championship playoffs: the two division champions and two wild-card teams...'

"There is no specific description of how a team becomes division champion, and we contend that it’s the team with the best record among division opponents. Our legal team has prepared a case that we will present to the league office, based on the Week 14 outcome."

Unprompted, Mojo D launched into a rant about the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs and their “criminally insane” owner, Tirik Obobber, whom Mojo D refers to only as “Bob Hitler,” one of Obobber’s many past identities – this one as leader of a white-power group in the western US (photo above).

“Anybody who refutes that is just chicken-sh*t because they don’t want to face a streaking Mojo in the playoffs – yes, I’m talking to the FISH! It’s exactly the kind of thing that will get Bob Hitler’s panties in a wad. People underestimate exactly how dangerous he is – mostly to himself, but dangerous nonetheless. At least Fidalgo Island is out there – literally and figuratively – on the fringe of the country, so the collateral damage is reduced."

Undeterred, an unusually lucid Mojo D continued, “My problem is a guy who takes himself too seriously. You can’t really have fun that way, and it brings the whole league down. I’ve been getting calls of support from other owners all week -- starting with the ghost of Biggs -- telling me to f*ck him up.”

The return of Biggs’ ghost has influenced a number of teams’ victories, most notably the Mojo’s. “Actually, Biggs’ ghost just said ‘Go the distance’ – I thought ‘what the hell? Am I freakin’ Kevin Costner now?’ The really strange part is that Mojo Jojo keeps getting these voice-mails, but doesn’t own a phone.”

 

SUBDUED, TENSE BACCHANAL GOES ON WITHOUT BIGGS, HAMILTON Ominous signs, but fears of violence unrealized

George Clinton and the P-Funk All-Stars tore the roof off
the sucka at the fifth annual Bacchanal to the Future.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

The largest Bacchanal crowd ever turned out last week for the most subdued Bacchanal To The Future in the five-year history of the event.

In the wake of the sudden and gruesome death of Bacchanal cofounder Boyd X. Biggs — and with police investigators viewing the other cofounder, QCurl Sharif, as a suspect — festival organizers almost decided to pull the plug on the annual gala. But a cell phone call from the ghost of Biggs to Bakers’ PR Maven Faith Popcorn, in which Biggs allegedly expressed his wish for the Bacchanal to continue, enabled the show to go on, albeit in a scaled-down, one-day form.

Ticket sales exceeded 250,000 for the event, but police estimated the crowd in Centennial Park at nearly 300,000. Absent was the traditional “birth of Venus” ceremony that kicked off the Bacchanal in years past. Missing, too, were the chariot races in the Nashvegas Hippodrome that the Bakers and Beelzebubbas jointly built and donated to the city. Missing, too, was Haven Hamilton, who emceed every Bacchanal since the event began in 2004. Hamilton died earlier this year. Festival organizers billed this year’s gathering as a tribute to both Hamilton and Biggs, whom 'Bubbas’ PR Director Chuck Barris described as “martyrs for peace.”

In a money-saving move, Nashvegas mayor Karl Dean announced that the city’s annual Christmas parade would be combined with the Bacchanal. As the parade ended at Centennial Park, Grand Marshal Charlie Rotier, dressed as Santa, walked to the Parthenon steps and launched the Bacchanal, as Hamilton always had done, by leading the crowd in the Pledge of Allegiance. Then, strapping on a waiting Jet-Pack, Rotier rocketed across the park to his review stand on the roof of the Athlon Building.

In tribute to Biggs, a lone bagpiper played “House of the Rising Sun” to begin the show. Then Al “Buck Dharma” Roeser — a Bakers’ season ticket holder — led a reunited Blue Oyster Cult in an hour-long jam version of “Don’t Fear the Reaper.”

In one of the highlights of the afternoon, Beelzebubbas’ Community Relations Director Anton Chigur joined Ray Manzarek and the Doors as they performed the songs from the band’s “L.A. Woman” LP in sequence. Chigur, who provided lead vocals, told the crowd that “Break on Through” was Biggs’ favorite song, and that the late 'Bubbas’ owner and Dr. Jorgé Linardo loved to sing it together as they cruised the streets of Nashvegas in Linardo’s blood-red Lincoln Navigator.

Dave the Animal joined the Doors for “The Crystal Ship,” apparently as part of a promotion for his Methlon organization. During the performance of the song, a replica of a sailing ship made of translucent fiberglass and bearing the Methlon logo appeared on Lake Watauga. Crew members used large slingshots to hurl goodie bags from the Animal’s Crystal and Cracky D’s restaurants into the receptive crowd.

The set concluded as a large video screen played sometimes violent images from Biggs’ Waziristan safari during “The End” — a song that Chigur said had changed his life for good when he first heard it at age seven.

In a surprise move, Amy Winehouse, aka QGurl Sharis, next took the stage and performed an acoustic version of John Lennon’s “Woman Is the Nigger of the World.” Then she launched into “Imagine,” changing the lyrics twice to sing “Imagine there’s no 'Bubbas” and “Imagine there’s no Snoop Dogg” — drawing prolonged boos on both occasions.

The mood nearly turned violent when Peter Gabriel performed his “Shock the Monkey” — an allusion perhaps to Mojo Jojo or to Nefarious George, a chimpanzee associated with several members of the Bakers’ organization. “Kill the monkeys!” the crowd began chanting as the song ended, before Chigur finally took the microphone and calmed them down by saying, “Patience, friends, there’s a time and place for everything.” Sharif, for his part, did not follow his usual custom of appearing onstage, but watched the show from the VIP box with Rotier atop the Athlon Building. Security was said to be heavy.

The concert reached another flashpoint during the three-song set of Memphis-based Dr. Krunkenstein, who had been linked last year with an alleged assassination attempt on Commissioner William D. Money. After performing a brand new song, titled “Q-cifixion,” frontman Vernon “Krunkalicious” Weathers held up a photo of Sharif, tore it in half and shouted, “Fight the real power!” Then he produced a 9mm pistol that had been concealed under his shirt and pointed it in the general direction of the Athlon Building. Security guards quickly swarmed the stage and surrounded Weathers. Barris later explained that the band’s gesture was simply a “publicity stunt” to promote their new CD, Q-Capper. Said Barris: “It’s all good.”

Throughout the afternoon, there were other ominous signs of continuing tension, including one that read: “Biggs’ Jesus Kicks Shiva’s Monkey Ass” and “Nuke Midtown.”

Afterward, the ghost of Biggs issued an official statement via Twitter announcing he wished for peace and that “I know in my dead, gray, decaying heart that my friend QCurl could never have done the Janus-faced things that all those reliable sources all say he did.”

Near the end of the abbreviated concert, Bacchanal regular and Biggs confidante George Clinton announced that he would conduct a “funk funeral” for Biggs and Hamilton. He and the P-Funk All-Stars launched into “Give Up the Funk (Tear the Roof Off the Sucka)” as they led many of the assembled crowd out of the park and down Natchez Trace toward the site of the burned-out Jojo-a-Go-Go, where Biggs met his death.

When they reached the site in Hillsboro Village, still marked off by yellow police tape, they were startled to see Bubbas’ season ticket holder John Doe (who took the name for his former band from Biggs’ middle initial) atop the adjoining Belmont Methodist Church. After performing his sentimental “Just a Little More Time,” Doe was joined by Fergie for an acoustic version of the Troggs’ “Love Is All Around,” which Sharif himself had once performed at the wedding of his friend Furious George. Witnesses reported that Sharif sobbed uncontrollably upon hearing the song and had to be sedated with four Touchdown Tazers™ and three Demerol chasers. On the dark, overcast afternoon, many in the crowd held up lighters and cellphones and sang along as Doe and Fergie performed “Will the Circle Be Unbroken?” — the traditional close for the Bacchanal.

“All things considered, it was pretty amazing,” said Popcorn afterward. “We didn’t have Biggs, who traditionally did all the heavy lifting on the logistics. We didn’t have Haven, who provided the glue (literally). And QCurl, who is the spiritual force behind all this, was mostly AWOL for obvious reasons. It was worse than we hoped but better than we expected. We just give thanks to Shiva.”

BAKERS WIN!

Bakers' fans let their team know they were behind them -- literally -- during this weekend's divisional clash with the Black Dogs. A weeping and dehydrated 12th Ave. coach Snoop Dogg was hospitalized after the win.

By FAITH POPCORN
Bakers PR Director

NASHVILLE-- The NFFA wild-card race became even more dramatic after the 12th Ave. Bakers' defeat of the Jorge Division-leading East Nashville Black Dogs last night, setting up perhaps the wildest season finales in league history next week.

Bakers head coach Snoop Dogg collapsed immediately following the game and was taken later to a local hospital and treated for dehydration. He claimed to have been frightened all weekend by QCurl Sharif's claims of having been visited by the ghost of former Beelzebubba's coach and GM, Boyd X. Biggs.

"This shit has got to stop," said Dogg as he was being evaluated by trainers in the giddy locker room. "Shiva is always dropping some heavy scene on us every week ...my man QCurl has been accused of all kinds of atrocities, and yet we keep our dobber up and fight like hell every game.

"It's a tribute to the organization and to the Baker Nation. We'd especially like to thank our motivational coach Purple Owlsley this week for the air drop over the stadium ... I think the fans were trippin so hard by the fourth quarter that it intimidated Ray Rice."

Sharif was less circumspect following the victory.

"It wasn't Biggs; it wasn't Shiva; and it wasn't the acid," he said while riding the back of a yellow dragon south on 12th Ave., headed to a post-game party at the rollicking Cherry Bomb Cafe´. "It's just the fact that we dug our heels in and beat that ass."

Sharif was met by a pulsating mob thereafter and was last seen being led in a shimmering gold robe to mount a jewel-encrusted Egyptian barge. Some reports claimed he was embraced there by a high priest bearing a striking resemblance to the late Baker great, Steve McNair.