New Ballers coach Mike Tyson joins GM Mojo D on Zoom during draft strategy
By Soren Bernyn
Fantasy Sports Network
Fantasy Sports Network
During a brief break from draft planning, Buena Vista Ballers’ GM Mojo D conducted a Zoom availability for media from the Ballers' "war room” in Club Gitmo’s Bitcoin Bunker. The normally gregarious GM has been reclusive during Covid-19, and a lot has transpired with the team. With no pleasantries, Mojo D launched into a stream of consciousness recounting of the past 6 months, beginning with Pres. Donald Trump naming him as the source of the Covid-19 infection in the US.
“Well, there’s enough truth in that statement that it could not possibly have come from the Grifter-in-Chief. I was in Wuhan at the start of the year to celebrate our championship at the invitation of Chinese premier Xi Jinping; the Chairman is a friend of the Ballers and knows I love the delicacies of the Wuhan wet market, especially Sea Hog and those spicy pangolin eggs —mmm. I left China after the new year’s celebrations with a cough not unlike other times I have been there, stopped over in Seattle for some Bezos time and to pay respects at the Fidalgo Island shrine to longtime NFFA owner Tirik Obobber, and then back to Nashvegas. No way to know if I carried Covid with me - but if the con man-in-chief spoke it, there is no way in hell it can be true.
"Pretty soon after that, tornados wiped out much of north Nashville, and the Ballers moved in force to help the clean-up and assisting the community rebuilding - we cleared acres of land and built a new community center. Even when Covid shut everything down, our people were there, protected by my convalescent plasma. It was slow, but we were making progress. Then May rolls around...
“So Trump tweets that I’m to blame for Covid-19 (on May 25), and within minutes, Pie Town was surrounded with a tinfoil-hat, QAnon militia armed to the teeth. They came up on our HQ at the Blue Room at Third Man Records so quick that security could not respond, and there was literally nowhere to hide. Suddenly, (former Ballers coach) Jack White pops out of a wall, grabs me, says “down the hatch,” and he pushes me into a hole in the floor. I cannot adequately describe the sensation immediately after that, but the next thing I knew, I was stepping out of a wall in Club Gitmo. Jack follows me through, touches the wall and hands me what looks like a jet black frisbee he took off the wall. “Guard this hatch - you’re gonna need it now.” He strolled off to the sports book to catch the Korean baseball, and that’s literally the last time I saw him.
"I don’t quite understand the Hatch, but it always delivers me safely to Club Gitmo. The Bitcoin Bunker has been exactly that since March - the few times I’ve been out and about, I’ve had to duck and cover more than once. After our ignominious retreat from Pie Town, we started looking for a new home, and north Nashville was the logical place, especially the Buena Vista neighborhood. So we planted our flag in “Norf” around what will be our home office - if we ever go back to the office. The Pit at TSU has been going to waste, so we cleaned it up and recently christened John Lewis Field as our home turf. There’s a lot of excitement, even in the midst of the shit-show we call AmeriKKKa right now."
May 25 was also the day George Floyd was tortured and murdered by police in Minneapolis. Addressing the massive social upheaval sweeping the country, Mojo D said “people are in pain - here in Buena Vista, Kenosha, Minneapolis, DC, Portland. It is shameful, but shame is not a state familiar to the Buffoon-in-Chief. We’re investing our privilege as allies to the cause of justice - in addition to massive registration drives for both voting and gun licenses, we are pledging proceeds from this year’s games to Gideon’s Army United, The Equity Alliance, Standing Up for Racial Justice and the Movement for Black Lives. Our logo demonstrates our commitment - we want that fist in everybody’s face.” Mojo D has also been linked to a deep-pocketed cohort allegedly bankrolling a "Norf Militia” to ensure Buena Vista residents can defend themselves.
 |
| "Byoona Vista, bitch!" |
At that point, Mojo D noticed a comment in the chat and went ballistic: in a mocking tone, he spit out “‘Is he pronouncing it ‘byoona-vista’?’ - you little prick: hell yes that’s how I pronounce it because that’s how it’s pronounced! If you boujie hipsters come around here with that ‘bwayna-vista” shit, I’ll personally drag your ass down Jefferson Street chained to a lowered Monte Carlo."
Mojo D calmed down, then introduced the Ballers’ new coach, legendary boxer Mike Tyson. “Iron Mike joined us at the end of the season and during the playoffs as a special advisor, which resulted in our running the table the last five games and taking home the ring. His spirit and grit define what it means to be a Baller - he asked to be the coach this season, andwell, the man can be damn persuasive. The team is totally stoked - Lamar (Jackson) lights up like a little kid when Mike gets on a roll.”
A reporter asked in the Zoom chat if Tyson was concerned about the time away from training for his exhibition bout with Roy Jones Jr, scheduled for November. “Roy Jones Jr? Fuck Roy Jones Jr. - my style is impetuous, my defense is impregnable and I’m just ferocious. The Ballers keep my mind sharp."
Another chat message reminded Tyson about the NFFA Curse of the Champion, and asked the pugilist what he thought of the Ballers’ prospects this season. “Oh, there will be a repeat champion this year - I have to dream and reach for the stars; if I miss a star then I grab a handful of clouds.”
Mojo D laughed silently, then took himself off mute, and added “the Champ is right! This is 2020 bitches - there are no goddamn rules! The laws of physics no longer apply! I will go ahead and predict that The Ballers and the Animals will meet in the Championship, forever ending at least one of the oldest curses in the league, including the original: the Curse of the Champion. There has never been a repeat champion in the NFFA, and we are setting out to disrupt that this season."
The team is certainly pulling out all the stops - at the time of this writing, they had just dealt WR Julio Jones to the London Bakers, and also made a blockbuster offer for consensus #1 RB Christian McCaffrey. The team was still awaiting the Beelzebubbas’ response.
