CLUB GITMO OPENS WITH BANG

Cambridge Animals quarterback Vince Young (upper photo) was among the VIPs attending the opening of Club Gitmo Monday evening. East Nashville Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon (middle photo with unidentified friend) spent most of the evening in the club's Tora Bora room watching the NFFA draft. Club Gitmo owner Jorge Linardo (lower photo, second from left) was the center of attention all night long.

CLUB GITMO OPENS WITH BANG
Linardo Welcomes A-List Celebs; McMahon Spends Draft Night with 10¢ Draft Beers in Tora Bora Room

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

International peace campaigner turned impresario Jorge Linardo welcomed approximately 200 VIP guests Monday to the official grand opening of Club Gitmo in West Nashville, while more than 500 Beelzebubbas fans watched the televised NFFA draft inside the club’s main bar and banqueting hall.

Among the numerous invited guests in attendance were Nashville mayor Karl Dean, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Brigitte Nielsen, Gen. Norman Schwartzkopf, Dennis Rodman, the Dixie Chicks, Ringo Starr, Carson Kressley, Cambridge Animals quarterback Vince Young, and 12th Avenue Bakers stars Terrell Owens and Pacman Jones, along with several Bakers cheerleaders.

Other NFFA figures were on hand, too — notably East Nashville coach Jim McMahon, who watched the league draft from a barstool in the cavernous Tora Bora Room while downing a seemingly endless supply of Jamaican Red Stripe beers on draft at the special grand-opening “tortured price” of 10¢ each. Just before 10 p.m., McMahon pronounced himself “highly pleased” with his team’s draft choices and left, saying, “It’s time to get to work on our Week One game plan: Bobber delenda est.”

Meanwhile, ex-Midtown mascot Mojo Jojo entered conspicuously flanked by Mo and Cash Money, removed Monday as deputy NFFA commissioners by their father, William D. Money. The sisters, announced Jojo, would be celebrity cage dancers at the opening of his new Hillsboro Village club, the JoJo-a-GoGo.

After welcoming remarks, Linardo told the crowd the disappointing news that one of the scheduled guests, ex-PFC Lynndie England, would be unable to attend. The Abu Ghraib veteran, Linardo said, had been called back into service at the secret federal detention facility where Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs owner Triki Bobber is being held. England, said Linardo, would appear at the club “soon.”

Later, a mustachioed uniformed man in a beret stepped to the microphone and introduced himself as Saddam Hussein, the President of Iraq. Linardo, appearing to be caught off guard, said the man was actually one of Saddam’s former body doubles who had requested asylum in the U.S. and was living temporarily at the club.

The evening literally got off with a bang. Just after the official welcome, the walls of the club were shaken briefly by the sound of an explosion. After panicked screams by the guests, Beelzebubbas community relations director Anton Chigur called for calm and announced that security guards in the watch towers along the property’s perimeter had stopped a “fanatical Midtown Mojo suicide bomber” and that “everything is fine except his punky little Hillsboro-Belmont ass and his Volvo.” After pausing for a moment, he smiled faintly and added, “Actually, we just set off a sack of M-80s outside to get you good folks in the mood,” prompting Linardo to throw his head back and shake with silent laughter.

BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: Just before her speech at the Democratic national convention, Sea Hogs president Hillary Clinton announced that she had “re-suspended” team owner Triki Bobber for spreading false information just before Monday’s NFFA Draft. Bobber, she said, had supplied fellow owners with a false report on the health of running back Stephen Jackson, hoping to secure Jackson for the Sea Hogs. “Lying men will not be tolerated in my administration,” said Clinton, who also announced that Brett Favre would start game one for the Sea Hogs — “unless he turns out to be a liar, too.”

BREAKING NEWS: BOBBER'S SUSPENSION LIFTED

Cash (left) and Mo Money, shown here from their days as fashion models, have been relieved of their duties as deputy commissioners of the NFFA.


MONEY LIFTS BOBBERS SUSPENSION
Bobber to run team's draft war room from behind bars

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

At freewheeling press conference this afternoon, NFFA commissioner William D. Money announced that he has lifted the suspension of Fidalgo Island owner Triki Bobber and reinstated the Sea Hogs as the reigning NFFA champions.

"I can't speak to the charges which have landed him in federal custody, but Bobber was wrongly suspended by the league and for that we apologize," Money said. As a result of lifting the suspension which was imposed by the commissioner's daughters and deputy commissioners, Cash and Mo Money, Bobber will be able to helm the Sea Hogs draft tonight from the federal detention facility where he is being held.

Standing on the steps of the NFFA Tower in downtown Nashvegas, Money also told the gathered media his daughters are no longer employed by the league as deputy commissioners. When asked if the sisters had been fired as his deputies, Money said the reporter should ask them.

On a related note, the commissioner announced that he had lifted the suspension of wide receiver Marvin Harrison for his involvement last year in the human pit fights being held on Fidalgo Island. "Marvin gave his full cooperation to the FBI, and it is based on their recommendation that I decided to lift his suspension, which makes him available for tonight's draft," Money said. The AWP has learned, however, that 12th Avenue Bakers owner Q. Diddy is wanted for further questioning by the bureau regarding his presence at the human pit fights.

The press conference was the commissioner's first public appearance since being rescued from a North Korean prison. The media peppered him with questions about his ordeal, but he refused to provide any details, explaining that he had retained a literary agent who was in negotiations with a major book publisher for the rights to his story.

BOBBER FANTASY UNRAVELS!

FBI special agent Clarice Starling outside Triki Bobber's cell, which is
made of inch-thick, bulletproof glass. AWP Photo/Cap Lensgraf

BOBBER FANTASY UNRAVELS!
From Bob Hitler to Bobby Appleseed to Bobham Young

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

At a remote federal detention facility — the place that, according to the warden, houses the “worst of the worst, al Qaeda, Honduran gangs, opponents of the Bush administration, you name it — Triki Bobber’s fantasy world began to unravel.

Bobber, the suspended, criminally insane owner of the NFFA’s Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, had suggested in his communications over the past year that he was living the opulent life of a jet-setting Bond villain. The reality was far different, as authorities learned after Bobber was apprehended earlier this month in a rundown, neo-Nazi compound in northern Idaho.

Locals around Coeur d’Alene knew Bobber as “Bob Hitler,” a scraggly, bearded who claimed to be the son of Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun, a legal scholar, former neighbor of Bill and Hillary Clinton, and the owner of a professional football team. Federal authorities said they were led to the neo-Nazi compound after “Bob Hitler” attempted to organize what he termed a “beer hall putsch” in a local tavern to take over the municipal government of Coeur d’Alene. It was only then that FBI agents discovered the true identity of Bobber, who has been on the most wanted list of fugitives after U.S. troops stormed Fidalgo Island in 2007.

But “Bob Hitler” was only the final chapter in a sordid story that winds its way through the Pacific Northwest through Utah, Arizona and southern Texas — where, coincidentally, he was savagely beaten and nearly killed by the grandmother of fellow NFFA owner Thurman Murrman.

This reporter gained an exclusive interview with Bobber, who was straitjacketed and held behind a partition of inch-thick, bulletproof glass, under the auspices of FBI special agent Clarice Starling. During a two-hour session, Bobber revealed details about his time on the lam that led him ultimately to Idaho.

“Obviously,” said Agent Starling, “we don’t take anything Bobber says at face value. The man is criminally insane. But his story checks out as near as we have been able to determine.”

Bobber said that, before assuming his neo-Nazi identity, he had been a member of the radical environmental group, Planetary Defense Brigades, in Washington State. There, he said, he had lived in a tent in the woods and went by the name “Bob Appleseed.” The Planetary Defense Brigades, Starling said, are a violent ecoterrorist group whose acts range from spiking trees to injure loggers using chainsaws to burning a new resort property to the ground in the Cascades.

“It was a great cover for him (Bobber),” Starling said. “People we interviewed said that when Bobber would start babbling about the yacht and football team he owned, and how the U.S. Special Forces had invaded the island that he ruled, it just made him sort of blend into the group.”

At the beginning of the interview, Bobber refused to speak. Then, this reporter showed him one of the Sea Hogs’ NFFA Championship rings from last season. At that point, Bobber excitedly began repeating, “The precious! My precious!” — and the stories began to flow.

Next chapter: Bobham Young in Colorado City, Arizona.

BAKERS-BUBBAS TRADE VOIDED

This run by Chris Johnson may have vaulted the rookie to the top of the 2008 NFFA draft.

BAKERS-BUBBAS TRADE VOIDED
Commissioner Money overrules self: ‘My bad’

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

Just when it appeared that the informal alliance between the 12th Avenue Bakers and West Nashville Beelzebubbas was falling apart, the two teams announced the completion of an unprecedented trade — only to see it voided by the same NFFA commissioner who had approved it hours before.

In a press conference Thursday morning in the sixth level below ground at Club Gitmo, a triumphant-sounding Boyd X. Biggs told reporters that the Beelzebubbas had traded rookie running back Chris Johnson to 12th Avenue in exchange for the number one overall pick in the NFFA draft on Monday evening. Biggs promised that the 'Bubbas’ draft night party, which follows the club’s grand opening Saturday, would be “more fun than anyone who’s not sending 500 volts of AC current through Dick Cheney’s nuts should be allowed to have.”

Biggs then hinted that the Beelzebubbas might use the pick to draft quarterback Peyton Manning, who, according to Biggs — citing a source at the NFFA league office — was inexplicably not included on the official “keeper” list submitted by Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs team president Hillary Clinton.

FSN has learned that the NFFA received two keeper lists from the Sea Hogs — one from Clinton and a separate one, e-mailed by suspended owner Triki Bobber from a federal detention facility. The list submitted by President Clinton showed that the Sea Hogs planned to keep David Garrard as their top quarterback. “I would imagine,” explained the league official, speaking on condition of anonymity, “that we have to go with the list submitted by the duly constituted, non-suspended authorities for that team.”

The almost-deal between the Bakers and Bubbas was novel. Never before had an NFFA team traded a player for a draft pick. There was just one problem: Apparently unbeknownst to Bakers owner Q. Diddy, and perhaps even to Biggs, the Beelzebubbas neither have Johnson on their roster nor own the rights to him. That fact also evidently escaped Commissioner William D. Money, who approved the trade by phone.

After learning of the deal hours later, Bakers’ PR maven Faith Popcorn called Money and pointed out that Johnson is a free agent who will be available in Monday’s draft, not a player the Beelzebubbas can trade. At that point, according to Popcorn, Money said, “Oh, my bad,” and voided the trade.

“I can’t believe Boyd Biggs would pull this crap on a fellow owner who is still in a state of shock and grief over the loss of his boyhood friend,” said Popcorn, referring to the recent death of Furious George. Then she hurriedly excused herself, saying she had to run to the team’s bank to stop payment on a $5,000 check for the Brooklyn Bridge that Diddy apparently wrote to Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon.

Biggs, reached for comment, dismissed the aborted trade as merely “a test of the league’s security procedures” engineered by Beelzebubbas’ president emeritus Jorge Linardo. “The NFFA failed us all, showing we have much work to do in the war on global terror,” said Biggs.

Reporters caught up with the reclusive Diddy inside Bakers Stadium Thursday night as the team broke training camp. “It’s all good,” Diddy said. “We can get Chris with the first pick Monday, so in a way it’s like the deal is still on.”

Diddy also denied that the Bakers were planning to relocate the franchise to Bells Bend in northwest Nashville as part of the proposed May Town Center project. Rumors had swirled recently that the Bakers felt pressured to leave because of turf challenges from the Midtown Mojo and the Beelzebubbas and because of the franchise’s tilt away from longtime team patron Satan in favor of Shiva the Destroyer. Reporters also noted that Sod Bakers Grass Care, a company owned by Diddy, already owns 500 acres in Bells Bend described as an agricultural research station and turf farm. “Jack and Frank May are dear friends and longtime Bakers’ season-ticket holders,” said Diddy. “But we haven’t had any discussions about moving the team that I can remember.”

BOBBER FOR PRESIDENT

Bobber, in his trademark floppy hat, acknowledges the crowd's support as he boards a Secret Service helicopter before being whisked away to another undisclosed location.

BOBBER FOR PRESIDENT

By Bill O'Really, FAUX News

Washington is abuzz with news of the internet-fueled, grass-roots campaign to elect Triki Bobber as the next president of the United States. To learn more about the campaign, go here to watch the video from Channel 3 News, the Faux affiliate on Fidalgo Island.

KEEPERS ANNOUNCED

Jared Allen (left) was traded by the Beelzebubbas
to the Black Dogs for Derek Anderson.

KEEPERS ANNOUNCED
Dogs, Bubbas swap star players seconds before the keeper deadline

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

In a blockbuster deal, East Nashville and West Nashville swapped star players Tuesday just moments before the NFFA's keeper deadline. Then late Tuesday afternoon, the AWP obtained a list of the keeper players for the eight NFFA franchises from a source deep within the commissioner's office.

The Black Dogs traded quarterback Derek Anderson to the Beelzebubbas for defensive lineman Jared Allen literally beyond the 11th hour. East Nashville GM Buddy Ryan and West Nashville owner Boyd X. Biggs pulled the trigger on the deal at 11:59 a.m CDT. The official deadline was noon CDT. "We were trying to unload Brett Favre, but Biggs held out for Derek Anderson and we caved just to get the deal done by the deadline," Ryan explained. "Biggs jobbed us on this one, but what goes around comes around."

When asked why he would trade a star quarterback to a division rival, Ryan said, "I don't need a [expletive] reason. [Expletive] you, [expletive] Bobber, and [expletive] that stupid monkey everybody's crying about."

Reached late Tuesday evening by satellite phone in the third sub-basement of Club Gitmo — which is not yet officially open, but where partying was already taking place — Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon said he liked the trade. "I asked Buddy to get me a stud defensive lineman and he got the best in the game, so what's not to like," McMahon asked rhetorically.

Biggs, who was with McMahon at Club Gitmo, said of the trade: "We started talking about this deal at 11:58 and had it wrapped up by 11:59 even with the haggling over Favre. Technology is amazing, and fortunately, like my Visa card, our trades are preapproved." Then he thought about it for a minute and added, "Come to think of it, now I'm freed up to test out the Club Gitmo water-boarding room on Carson Palmer's under-performing ass."

When asked about the the keeper list obtained by the AWP, Biggs said, "Well, I haven't seen the list myself yet, but based on what I heard from the league office, the most puzzling thing is that the Sea Hogs didn't keep Peyton Manning. I'm sure the Bakers will snap him up with the first pick and that will surely turn their fortunes around."

When informed by this reporter that the list obtained by the AWP showed the Sea Hogs keeping Manning, Biggs said, "You'd better check with Hillary, son."

On a related note, the AWP learned from the same league source that both the Alamo Scouts and the Cambridge Animals will be fined for missing the noon deadline. According to the source, the Scouts, who were nearly 23 hours late in submitting their keepers, will be fined $1 million. The Animals, who missed the deadline by only one minute, also will receive a fine of $1 million. The source said the commissioner saw no difference in the two violations, stating, "Late is late."

Here are the unofficial 2008 NFFA keepers:

12th Avenue Bakers: QB Drew Brees, RB Larry Johnson, WR Terrell Owens, DL Terrell Suggs, LB A.J. Hawk, DB Adam Jones.

Alamo Scouts: QB Ben Roethlisberger, RB Brian Westbrooks, WR Larry Fitzgerald, DL Julius Peppers, LB Keith Bulluck, DB Ed Reed.

Atlanta Smack Daddies: QB Eli Manning, RB LaDainian Tomlinson, WR Brandon Marshall, DL Darnell Dockett, LB DeMarcus Ware, DB Nate Clements

Cambridge Animals: QB Jay Cutler, RB Clinton Portis, WR Randy Moss, DL Gregg Kelly, LB Ray Lewis, DB Champ Bailey.

East Nashville Black Dogs: QB Tony Romo, RB Maurice Jones-Drew, WR Braylon Edwards, DL Jared Allen, LB Brian Urlacher, DB Terrence McGee.

Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs: QB Peyton Manning, RB Joseph Addai, WR Wes Welker, DL Jason Taylor, LB DeMeco Ryans, DB Ellis Hobbs.

Midtown Mojo: QB Tom Brady, RB Jamal Lewis, WR Reggie Wayne, DL Kyle Vanden Bosch, LB London Fletcher, DB Jermaine Phillips.

West Nashville Beelzebubbas: QB Derek Anderson, RB Adrian Peterson, WR Andre Johnson, DL Trent Cole, LB James Harrison, DB Antonio Cromartie.

GEORGE DEAD OF BROKEN HEART

12th Avenue Bakers official medical examiner, Dr. Yuri Borzov, believes George died of heartbreak.
FURIOUS GEORGE DEAD OF BROKEN HEART
Blood tests inconclusive

By Faith Popcorn, Bakers PR Director

NASHVILLE — Furious George died of a broken heart. So says 12th Avenue Bakers medical examiner Dr. Yuri Borzov, who performed the autopsy on the chimp who had become the moral backbone of the franchise.

"He was a sensitive beast," said Borzov today from his temporary office in back of the 12th Avenue Taproom. "I saw nothing unusual in his blood tests. His opiod levels were five times that of human tolerance, but this was low compared to what I got for his physical last year. I detected just three illegal substances ... also down from his physical. I will say he was legally drunk at the time of his death but I don't think that had anything to do with it. He certainly smoked too much but he had the lungs of Johnny Weismiller."

Lightposts along 12th Avenue, and up and down Music Row have remained draped in black crepe since news of George's death rocked Nashville. Bakers owner Q. Diddy met with fans and reporters in front of the old site of the Cherry Bomb Cafe after the autopsy results were released. He addressed the somber crowd with a shaky voice but grew stronger after a little girl presented him with flowers and a stuffed chimp dressed in George's signature Maurice Chevalier striped coat and straw hat.

"When we abandon art in favor of selfish pursuits we always lose," said Diddy, leering at the small and emotional group. "Furious lived within the ether ... he was my brother and he led me into the sun. I am forever destined now to follow a faded vessel, one wrapped in gossamer and meant for other worlds. I am hollow."

Unable to answer questions, he and recently reinstated head coach Snoop Dogg, ducked into a waiting car and drove north toward the city on the fabled Boulevard of Losers. Funeral arrangements remained incomplete.

FURIOUS GEORGE DEAD IN APPARENT SUICIDE

Furious George shown here in happier times. Autopsy results are pending.

FURIOUS GEORGE DEAD IN APPARENT SUICIDE
Famous cousin second Bakers chimp to die mysteriously

By Faith Popcorn, Bakers PR Director

NASHVILLE — The body of Furious George, cousin of murdered 12th Avenue Bakers mascot Mr. TD, has been discovered dead in the living room of owner Q. Diddy's West End flat. It was Diddy's maid, Ms. Cherry Parade, who discovered the body around 1:30 CST today as she entered his apartment to re-stock the bar.

Furious George had become a fixture in recent months for Bakers fans, after traveling from France last year to attend Mr. TD's funeral, and deciding to stay on and support the franchise and its embattled owner. Rumors had swirled in the toney neighborhood this summer of wild parties hosted by Q. Diddy and George which centered around both man and chimp's belief in ancient Mesopotamian gods and rituals. Both Diddy and George had denied any real mischief and claimed that those parties were really auditions for the upcoming season's Bakerette squad.

It was George who had recently completed a fund-raising tour of the state to raise money to rebuild the fabled Cherry Bomb Cafe, the property located in the heart of the 12 South district. While the trip was successful and plans are to partially re-open the club in October, Q. Diddy had believed that George had fallen victim to some old addictions during an extended stay in Memphis. Plans were apparently in the works to hold an intervention for George

"I guess I'm too late," said a visibly shaken Diddy standing in front of the Belle Meade Animal Hospital's emergency room. "My two best friends taken in the prime of chimphood ... If I could only change places with one of them."

Details are sketchy at this point, but George was said by Parade to have been found on the sofa wrapped only in a towel with a book of poems by Sylvia Plath in his left hand. It was opened to a blank page. The smell of a recently smoked cigarette lingered, according to Parade.

"I stock the cabinet on Tuesdays each week," said the wide-eyed Parade. "And I've stumbled into some unusual scenes ... in fact I thought he was sleeping when I first came in. But after I had thrown what was left of a nearby drink into his face and he didn't move, I knew something was wrong."

Ironically, it is the six-months pregnant Parade who had filed papers in a Nashville court two weeks ago asking that George be compelled to take a paternity test. According to news reports, Parade had claimed that either he or Q. Diddy is the father of the unborn child.

"They shared everything," she said.

BREAKING NEWS: BOBBER FOUND!

Sea Hogs owner Triki Bobber, aka Bob Hitler, was apprehended by the FBI today at a white supremacist compound in Northern Idaho. (Video grab courtesy of MSNBC)


BOBBER FOUND!
Asylum with White Supremacists, Sordid Details Emerge

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

One of the nation’s longest manhunts ended early this morning when Triki Bobber, criminally insane owner of the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, was arrested inside an Aryan Nations compound outside Couer d’Alene, Idaho.

Bobber, who had risen to No. 1 on the FBI’s "Most Wanted Fugitives" list, was believed to have been somewhere in the Pacific Ocean aboard his armored yacht, the Fatal Attraction II. Acting on an informant’s tip, however, federal agents discovered Bobber inside a white supremacist retreat and conference center known as the Honky Chateau.

Details of the arrest were only beginning to emerge this afternoon, but one agent, speaking off the record, said that Bobber was found hunched over a computer in the basement of the building, visiting internet porn sites.

Bobber evidently had attempted to change his appearance in recent months. He was sporting a long beard and wearing a flannel lumberjack's shirt along with his trademark floppy sailor’s hat. FBI agents said that, according to their informant, Bobber was known around Couer d’Alene as Bob Hitler. He claimed to be the son of Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun, spirited out of Nazi Germany to Switzerland during the final days of World War II.

“Here is this guy who wants everybody to think he’s a criminal mastermind bent on global domination, living the life of a Bond villain,” the agent said, on condition of anonymity. “And it turns out he’s just your everyday kind of lowlife wack job, which is probably why he thought he could blend in up here.

“Makes you wonder whether everything we thought we knew about Bobber is just some pathetic fantasy he made up about himself. I bet the son of a bitch doesn’t even have a damn yacht.”

FSN will have more details on the case as they emerge.

BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: News of Bobber’s arrest has triggered sporadic rioting in the South Inglewood section of East Nashville, where a rumor apparently has spread that the recent deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes were part of a Bobber-backed conspiracy to kill black entertainers. Metro police have attempted to restore order, saying that they believe the rumor is unfounded.

WOODY BASHES BAKERS

Q. Diddy, shown here in happier times at the Cherry Bomb Cafe, is sportswriter Larry Woody's newest whipping boy.

WOODY BASHES BAKERS
Veteran reporter takes over 12th Avenue beat

By Duke Raoul, Associated Web Press

Long-time Nashville sportswriter Larry Woody joined the AWP on Monday, and, true to form, in his very first article managed to inflame fans of the team he’ll be covering every week.

In a piece on the opening of Bakers’ training camp, Woody alluded to the team’s record of “unmitigated futility,” and in three different paragraphs reminded readers that the team has never made the playoffs, has never even managed a winning record, and twice has finished with the worst regular season record in league history (2-12). In another apparent jab, he wrote that “the main difference between the Bakers and baseball’s old Washington Senators is that the Senators no longer compete — although many Bakers fans say this is also true of their team.”

Woody, who once covered Vanderbilt football for The Tennessean, and regularly irked Commodore fans with stories that frequently reminded readers of the team’s consecutive losing campaigns, took a page out of his old playbook by writing that “the Bakers must win at least seven of their 14 games to avoid their seventh consecutive losing season.”

“I can’t believe the AWP did this to us,” said Bakers’ Fan Club president Roz Tefarian of the assignment of Woody to the Baker beat. “We’re still grieving over the Cherry Bomb. Hasn’t the Baker Nation suffered enough?”

“I can’t believe I didn’t kill Woody years ago when I had the chance,” said 12th Avenue resident Bill Cheatham, who once chased Woody with a tire iron he had brought to a Vanderbilt football game. “Looks like [expletive] that goes round comes round.”

In his analysis of the team’s history and prospects, Woody suggested that one reason for the Bakers’ losing ways is that owner Q. Diddy insists on holding an annual preseason training camp — even though no more than six of the players on their roster are likely to be with the team after the NFFA draft in August. “It makes no sense,” Woody wrote. “But Diddy is convinced that their performance during camp guides his decision on which players to keep, and motivates players to try harder so they can remain with a ‘family’ like the Bakers.’”

In a separately filed item that is sure to rile Bakers’ supporters, Woody reported that much of the job of the team’s media maven, Faith Popcorn, is to keep Diddy distracted from getting involved in player personnel and game strategy issues. “The more Q focuses on the important things, the worse they do,” Woody wrote. He claimed that Popcorn’s latest project is to have Diddy organize a grassroots effort to have the name of 12th Avenue South officially changed to Avenue Q.

“I guess it could be worse,” Tefarian said. “The AWP could have given us Joe Biddle.”

SPURNED MASCOT TO OPEN NEW CLUB

This cell phone photo shows Mojo Jojo outside the Belmont United
Methodist Church and he appears to be wearing a Beelzebubbas cap.


SPURNED MASCOT TO OPEN NEW CLUB
Jojo A Go Go Is a Go; Turf Questions Remain

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network

Just days after the Midtown Mojo cut all ties with him, ousted mascot Mojo Jojo announced that he is opening a new nightspot, on the turf of his old team, to be bankrolled by the leader of a rival club.

At a press conference late Monday, Jojo unveiled plans for the new venue, the Jojo A Go Go, billed as a combination dance club/performance hall/house of worship. The club, located in Hillsboro Village, is being sponsored and funded by Jorge Linardo, president emeritus of the West Nashville Beelzebubbas.

“I am humbled to be part of this beautiful palace dedicated to justice and shalom,” said a tearful Jojo before breaking into sobs and turning the rest of the presentation over to L. S. DeHayes, legal counsel for the project.

The 20,000 square-foot facility is now under construction next to Belmont United Methodist Church on Hillsboro Road. Because the two buildings share a common wall, many passersby had assumed that the new construction was an addition to the church.

Actually, explained DeHayes, the Jojo A Go Go will house, among other things, a Unitarian congregation. “Dr. Linardo believes in inclusiveness,” Hayes said, “especially when zoning variances are at stake. Happily, the Unitarians recognize Jojo-ism as a legitimate pathway to the divine.”

The larger question for the NFFA is whether the role of Linardo in the new club will inflame a smoldering turf war between the Beelzebubbas and the Mojo. “This looks like a clear provocation,” said one official with the Mojo, speaking on condition of anonymity because he was embarrassed to be associated with the Mojo. “I expect our owner will protest to the commissioner, or he might design a new logo or something.”

“In hindsight, I can see how they (the Mojo) might think that, especially since we booked Mojo D’s cousins, Tenacious D, as the house band,” said club manager Paula, who left her long-standing position at the nearby Pancake Pantry to run the Jojo A Go Go. “But this was really all about a business opportunity. Dr. Linardo had already been planning to develop a club there, and then when Mojo Jojo became available, it caused him to refocus a little bit. It’s not often you can pick up a celebrity figure like Mojo Jojo on waivers for a venture like this. I don’t think you’ll necessarily see him wearing a Beelzebubbas jersey this fall. Then again, the little guy is pretty unpredictable, and hell hath no fury like a scorned monkey.”