SHARIF HOSTS RAUCOUS OBAMA BASH

Amy Winehouse was one of Sharif's very special guests at the West End bumpdown.
SHARIF HOSTS RAUCOUS OBAMA BASH
Election victory party still in progress

By Faith Popcorn, Bakers PR Director

In what some guests described as a return to the basics of Afro-Roman orgy science, 12th Avenue Bakers owner QCurl Sharif hosted a Barack Obama election victory party at his toney West End home that was still going at dawn.

Celebrities and common Baker faithful alike grooved to the live tones being laid down by head coach Snoop Dogg and Sharif acolyte Amy Winehouse. In the works for some time, Sharif had kept plans for the shindig on the downlow afraid that the media would accuse him of creating a distraction for his 6-3 team. Word leaked out after the hard-fought Bakers win over the Midtown Mojo this weekend that the party had been let off the chain and was open to all.

Most NFFA owners and a few coaches were in attendance, and some, including Boyd X. Biggs, were seen posing on an Egyptian barge with the stuffed body of Furious George in a smoking jacket. The scene provided the first glimpse of what had been done with George's body since his death, and ended certain distasteful rumors, while spawning a few new ones.

Some partygoers had no idea who was throwing the victory party. Two unidentified guests were flown by Lifeflight to nearby Vanderbilt Hospital in the wee hours. Details at this time are unknown.

"I was out for a walk with my wife in the neighborhood," said one obviously impaired guest. "And our dog picked up on something and then my wife picked up on some heavy bud being burned somewhere and we just followed her nose. We were given flags and fatties when we arrived and headed straight for the bar. Damn what a night! I'll look for my wife and dog tomorrow."

The guest list read like a Who's Who of old line Nashville Democrats, including a Lincoln-hatted and besotted John Jay Hooker. Some held special tickets for admittance into the "Treehouse" behind Sharif's sprawling home. And there were some fun-loving Republicans in attendance as well.

"I wouldn't miss an official QCurl party for the world," said a jack-booted, leathered-up Marsha Blackburn. "I got pregnant at his cocaine-and-cash bath after the fall of the Berlin Wall and swore then if I ever got the call again, I'd come running."

There were some who wondered openly if this party would take the shine off the scheduled re-opening of the Cherry Bomb Cafe during Thanksgiving weekend when the Bakers play the West Nashville Beelzebubbas in the annual Bacchanal celebration. Sharif put those worries to rest when cornered with the Black Dogs' Jim McMahon outside the door beneath the Treehouse.

"We've been waiting for a year like this for a long time," said a beaming Sharif. "Everything is coming together. I mean the Cherry Bomb is always going to be THE place to party — for someone to think these animals won't be back for more in a couple of weeks is ridiculous. The stars are aligning for the Bakes. Snoop is doing an outstanding job with the team ... I mean we whipped up on an always tough Mojo eleven without our big guns in the lineup and he assures me he feels good about the upcoming Fidalgo Island game. Personally, I'm moving toward a space of ethereal light and want everyone to join me on the journey ... the train leaves now."

With the moon and stars bathing everyone in a soft and muted blue light, Sharif and McMahon excused themselves to attend the Treehouse-production of a live adult-themed show starring his namesake, Omar Sharif, and a Sarah Palin look-alike flown in by "special friends" of the league.

"This is old school," said one awed observer. "We haven't seen this much unbridled passion since the parties thrown by Mr. Linardo and Lillian Gish."

SHARIF SPONSORS REHAB RODEO

Jackrabbit Slim aboard Palin's Dream on Saturday.

SHARIF SPONSORS REHAB RODEO
Money Raised for New Furious Foundation

By Faith Popcorn, Bakers' PR Director

In what critics this weekend have called a major distraction, 12th Avenue Bakers owner QCurl Sharif escorted troubled singer Amy Winehouse to his own Furious Foundation's Rehab Rodeo held at the Tennessee State Fairgrounds.

Sharif has pledged millions personally to help those who suffer from substance abuse, a pledge that has grown out of his grief following the death of close friend Furious George last month. Winehouse and Sharif have been linked together before when it was revealed following this year's Grammy Awards that Sharif had created Winehouse's oversized shoes by painting her bare feet black and manipulating "some cardboard I found in her dressing room."

It seems Winehouse had forgotten her shoes before her London Grammy gig.

"I wanted to return the kindness," said Winehouse Saturday night, from the pressbox above the rodeo grounds. "Sharif believes so much in his new calling. The least I could do would be to come here and support him. Plus I can't get these bloody things off my feet."

The rodeo featured over 100 addicted monkeys competing in various events. And an emerging star may have been born as Jackrabbit Slim rode Palin's Dream to victory in six events — including the centerstage Ring of Fire Ben Hur Roundup. It must be noted that three of the contestants in that event were mercifully euthanized — both rider and mounts.

Later, Sharif was seen with an unconscious and partially clothed Winehouse at Club Gitmo where he reportedly was pouring Touchdown Tasers down her throat with the help of a funnel and stomach tube. The two were again seen attending the taut Bakers-Sea Hogs tilt, with Winehouse apparently draped across the back of one of Sharif's unidentified bodyguards. Because of the new friendship, it has been reported, that Sharif will be producing a country version of "Rehab" for Winehouse in an effort to jumpstart her latest comeback.

Some critics in the media — most notably the AWP's Larry Woody — have claimed that this weekend's rodeo proves that Sharif cares very little about the Bakers' fortunes.

"He couldn't be landing farther from the truth," said Sharif from his luxury box. "This team is special. I've said it before. And Amy is a huge Bakers' fan. She's partied at the Cherry Bomb in the past and she loves country music. It's the people she hates."

GEORGE DEAD OF BROKEN HEART

12th Avenue Bakers official medical examiner, Dr. Yuri Borzov, believes George died of heartbreak.
FURIOUS GEORGE DEAD OF BROKEN HEART
Blood tests inconclusive

By Faith Popcorn, Bakers PR Director

NASHVILLE — Furious George died of a broken heart. So says 12th Avenue Bakers medical examiner Dr. Yuri Borzov, who performed the autopsy on the chimp who had become the moral backbone of the franchise.

"He was a sensitive beast," said Borzov today from his temporary office in back of the 12th Avenue Taproom. "I saw nothing unusual in his blood tests. His opiod levels were five times that of human tolerance, but this was low compared to what I got for his physical last year. I detected just three illegal substances ... also down from his physical. I will say he was legally drunk at the time of his death but I don't think that had anything to do with it. He certainly smoked too much but he had the lungs of Johnny Weismiller."

Lightposts along 12th Avenue, and up and down Music Row have remained draped in black crepe since news of George's death rocked Nashville. Bakers owner Q. Diddy met with fans and reporters in front of the old site of the Cherry Bomb Cafe after the autopsy results were released. He addressed the somber crowd with a shaky voice but grew stronger after a little girl presented him with flowers and a stuffed chimp dressed in George's signature Maurice Chevalier striped coat and straw hat.

"When we abandon art in favor of selfish pursuits we always lose," said Diddy, leering at the small and emotional group. "Furious lived within the ether ... he was my brother and he led me into the sun. I am forever destined now to follow a faded vessel, one wrapped in gossamer and meant for other worlds. I am hollow."

Unable to answer questions, he and recently reinstated head coach Snoop Dogg, ducked into a waiting car and drove north toward the city on the fabled Boulevard of Losers. Funeral arrangements remained incomplete.

FURIOUS GEORGE DEAD IN APPARENT SUICIDE

Furious George shown here in happier times. Autopsy results are pending.

FURIOUS GEORGE DEAD IN APPARENT SUICIDE
Famous cousin second Bakers chimp to die mysteriously

By Faith Popcorn, Bakers PR Director

NASHVILLE — The body of Furious George, cousin of murdered 12th Avenue Bakers mascot Mr. TD, has been discovered dead in the living room of owner Q. Diddy's West End flat. It was Diddy's maid, Ms. Cherry Parade, who discovered the body around 1:30 CST today as she entered his apartment to re-stock the bar.

Furious George had become a fixture in recent months for Bakers fans, after traveling from France last year to attend Mr. TD's funeral, and deciding to stay on and support the franchise and its embattled owner. Rumors had swirled in the toney neighborhood this summer of wild parties hosted by Q. Diddy and George which centered around both man and chimp's belief in ancient Mesopotamian gods and rituals. Both Diddy and George had denied any real mischief and claimed that those parties were really auditions for the upcoming season's Bakerette squad.

It was George who had recently completed a fund-raising tour of the state to raise money to rebuild the fabled Cherry Bomb Cafe, the property located in the heart of the 12 South district. While the trip was successful and plans are to partially re-open the club in October, Q. Diddy had believed that George had fallen victim to some old addictions during an extended stay in Memphis. Plans were apparently in the works to hold an intervention for George

"I guess I'm too late," said a visibly shaken Diddy standing in front of the Belle Meade Animal Hospital's emergency room. "My two best friends taken in the prime of chimphood ... If I could only change places with one of them."

Details are sketchy at this point, but George was said by Parade to have been found on the sofa wrapped only in a towel with a book of poems by Sylvia Plath in his left hand. It was opened to a blank page. The smell of a recently smoked cigarette lingered, according to Parade.

"I stock the cabinet on Tuesdays each week," said the wide-eyed Parade. "And I've stumbled into some unusual scenes ... in fact I thought he was sleeping when I first came in. But after I had thrown what was left of a nearby drink into his face and he didn't move, I knew something was wrong."

Ironically, it is the six-months pregnant Parade who had filed papers in a Nashville court two weeks ago asking that George be compelled to take a paternity test. According to news reports, Parade had claimed that either he or Q. Diddy is the father of the unborn child.

"They shared everything," she said.

DENNEY IN SECLUSION; FRENCH CHIMP CALLS FOR FORFEIT

Furious George, cousin of Baker mascot Mr.TD, has called for action.

DENNEY IN SECLUSION; FRENCH CHIMP CALLS FOR FORFEIT

By Faith Popcorn, Bakers VP of Public Relations

As Baker owner GQ Denney languishes in seclusion atop the Cherry Bomb Cafe, mourning his team's no-show in Week 1, news has surfaced that may have an impact on the league, and more importantly, the Midtown Mojo. From his chateau in southern France, the cousin of fallen and beloved Baker mascot Mr. TD, has called on NFFA Commissioner William D. Money, to forfeit the Mojos opening day rout of the Bakers.

It has become common and admitted knowledge this past week that Mojo quarterback Tom Brady benefited from illegal video taping of the Bakers sideline in an effort to steal their defensive calls. Thus far, no one in the league office has come forward with comment. The silence has led Mr. TD's cousin, Furious George, a retired actor and former cabaret owner, to call for action.

"My cousin is dead," he said yesterday through an interpreter. "Mon cousin est morte. It is my wish that no further insult be inflicted on his corpse, and on the mind of his most loved friend, GQ Denney. They were brothers-in-arms. I will always remember my month here in 1969 with the two of them. We played polo on donkeys and ran naked through the vineyards of my grandfather. The Purple Owlsley they brought as a gift added 20 years to my career ... I cry today for both of them. It is an outrage that the Mojo — how you say — son-of-a-bitch has been allowed to get away with this. At the very least, I call on the Mojo owner — a swine — to pay the league fees for the Bakers."

As has been widely reported, Denney has not spoken with the media since the loss.

"We prefer to focus on the game this weekend and forget the past," said Baker head coach Randy Warhol. "We feel violated but we can't let [the disastrous loss] destroy us. I think GQ is embarrassed and upset because he had made some promises to some people — some scary people."