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| In 2008, Sea Hogs owner Tirik Obobber was criminally insane and on the lam. |
FSN Sports
For a third straight day Wednesday, Sea Hogs fans-turned-protesters jammed Fidalgo Island, attempting to block access to the team’s preseason training camp. The signs they held and chants they yelled carried the same message: “Return to insanity!”
The signs and chants were an apparent reference to the travails of team owner Tirik Obobber, who had been diagnosed as “criminally insane” before successfully undergoing treatment at the Betty Ford Clinic. During his illness, among other actions, Obobber:
• attempted to blow up an NFFA owners’ meeting in NashVegas;
• ran a human pit fighting operation;
• formed an alliance with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il that involved an extensive counterfeiting operation and procurement of nuclear weapons;
• blew up his yacht, the Fatal Attraction, in order to kill his coach, Mike Homegrown;
• kidnapped the daughters of NFFA Commissioner William D. Money and held them as sex slaves aboard his new yacht, the Fatal Attraction II;
• kidnapped singer Taylor Swift and hypnotized her as part of a plot to assassinate rival owner QCurl Sharif;
• illegally owned a nuclear submarine; and
• spent months on the run in the West under such aliases as Bob Hitler and Bobham Young.
Why would fans want to return to such days of infamy?
It’s simple, said Otis Driftwood, president of SeaHogwilders fan club. “Back when Mr. Obobber was insane, our team was contending for titles every year,” Driftwood said. “Since he got the cure, we’ve sucked ass instead of kicked it. You do the math. Does Tirik care enough about this team to go insane again? That’s the real question here.”
How, exactly, the fans’ goal could be accomplished remained unclear. But many appeared convinced that Obobber’s cure could be undone simply by discontinuing his anti-insanity medications. Others had different ideas. “Just inject him with some of [Donald] Trump’s DNA,” suggested one. “Lock him up at Club Gitmo for a week with Saddam,” said another.
“Having Peyton Manning as quarterback probably had much more to do with the Sea Hogs’ success as the owner’s mental health,” said Skip Clueless of FSN-TV’s “Skip Clueless against the Universe.” “But Obobber’s outlaw behavior sort of became the face of the franchise, and the fans embraced that. And they’re absolutely right to note that the team’s fortunes began to fall around the time Obobber regained his sanity. To put it in perspective, the 12th Avenue Bakers have been much better over the past several years than the Sea Hogs. Think about that for a minute.
“So is there something to all this? Maybe. Heck, the Hogs were still pretty good even after the U.S. Marines invaded Fidalgo Island and put Hillary Clinton in charge of the team.”
The situation on the island became more tense on Wednesday morning as local sheriff’s deputies failed to disperse the unruly crowd. As a result, the team’s scheduled 10 a.m. workout had to be canceled. If the fan mob did not leave by late afternoon, said Fidalgo Island mayor Nell Plumperton, she would request that the governor send in the National Guard. “Right now there’s a lot of craziness here,” Plumperton said, unironically.
A team spokesperson said Obobber was unavailable for comment because he was busy preparing for the NFFA draft on August 25.
