EPIC BATTLE Lifelong frenemies face off in a championship game for the ages

Bakers owner Sir QCurl Sharif is seeking his first championship ring.

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

The London Bakers franchise has waited 22 seasons to reach an NFFA title game, and it’s fitting their biggest rivals, the Cambridge Animals, stand in the way of their first championship.

Bakers owner Sir QCurl Sharif and Animals owner Dave the Animal have known one another since childhood when they both were residents of an orphanage in New Delhi. As young proteges of Dr. Jorge Linardo, they were among the founders of the NFFA in 2002.

DTA and the Animals are going for their third title. Sharif has characterized the game as an epic battle the Bakers must win.

“Democracy depends upon it,” Sharif told the AWP via text. “The nation’s soul is at stake. Good vs. evil. Marijuana vs. meth. Heroin vs. fentanyl. Guinness vs. Natty Light.”

Both the Bakers made it to the championship contest as wild-card teams. In the opening round of the playoffs, the Bakers knocked off the Jorge division winning West Nashville Beelzebubbas, while the Animals defeated the Linardo champion Midtown Browns.

The AWP tried unsuccessfully to reach DTA for comment prior to publication.

PLAYOFF PICTURE COMES INTO FOCUS Browns clinch Linardo division title

Lamar Jackson led the Midtown Browns to their first division title.

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

The NFFA 2023 championship playoff picture is coming into focus with one division champion already crowned and four other teams still in contention for playoff berths.

With their razor-thin win over the East Nashville Black Dogs (6-8) last weekend, the Midtown Browns (9-5) clinched the Linardo division title and eliminated the Blacks Dogs from playoff contention. Even though they could still finish in a tie with the Village Green (8-6), the Browns swept the Green this season and therefore own the head-to-head tiebreaker.

Three teams still have a chance to claim the Jorge division crown. The Cambridge Animals (9-5) are currently ranked first by virtue of having a higher season point total than the West Nashville Beelzebubbas (9-5), with whom they split their two regular-season meetings. The two-time defending division champion London Bakers (8-6) still have a path to their third straight Jorge title if they defeat the Animals this weekend and the Bubbas lose to the Black Dogs.

Here are the playoff scenarios for the four teams still in contention:

• Cambridge Animals: The Animals can clinch the Jorge division title with a win and a Bubbas’ loss. If both the Animals and Bubbas win, the Animals can clinch the division if the Bubbas’ point total is not 111 points greater than theirs. The Animals can even clinch the division with a loss of less than 50 points to the Bakers and a Bubbas’ loss. If the Animals lose and the Bubbas win, the Animals would still be in contention for a wild-card berth. They would finish in a tie with the Bakers, and possibly with the Green, as well. As the overall points leader, they would have the inside track for a wild-card spot. 

• West Nashville Beelzebubbas: The Bubbas can clinch the Jorge division with a win over the Black Dogs and an Animals’ loss. The Bubbas can also win the division even with an Animals win if they outpoint the Animals this weekend by 111 points. Either way, the Bubbas will clinch a playoff berth with a win. And like the Animals, they would still be in strong contention for a wild-card spot even with a loss this weekend. If the Bubbas lose and the Bakers lose, the Bubbas would clinch a wild-card spot.The Bubbas would also clinch a wild-card berth with a loss by the Green. 

• London Bakers: The Bakers can clinch the Jorge division title with a 50-point win over the Animals and a Bubbas’ loss. They can clinch a wild-card spot with a win over the Animals fewer than 50 points and a Green loss. If both the Bakers and Green win and the Bakers don’t win the Jorge division, the Bakers would finish in a three-way tie with the Green and either the Animals or Bubbas. The first tiebreaker, head-to-head competition, would be all even, which would bring the second tiebreaker of total points scored into play, and the Bakes are well-positioned as the second-highest-scoring team. The Bakers could still make the playoffs even with a loss if the Green lose and don’t outpoint the Bakers by 109 points.

• Village Green: The Green can clinch a wild-card berth with a win and a Bakers loss. If both the Green and the Bakers lose, as previously noted, the Green would have to outpoint the Bakers by 109 points to earn the final wild-card spot. If both the Green and the Bakers win, the Green would finish in a three-way tie with the two Jorge teams contending for a wild-card berth. The second tiebreaker of total points scored would determine which two team makes the playoffs, and with the lowest point total among the contending teams, the Green would have the longest odds to win the tiebreaker and secure a playoff spot. So the Green need to win to give themselves a real chance at the playoffs.

* * * * *

The first three picks in the 2024 draft are already set. The Ballers (3-11) will have the first pick, followed by the Boca Chica Daddies (4-10) and the Black Dogs. The fourth pick will go to the odd team out in the wild-card race.

It should be noted that there have been some rumblings on the NFFA grapevine of instituting an NBA-style draft lottery next year to determine the first four picks of the draft. The idea got legs as suspicions grew that the Ballers were intentionally tanking to secure the first pick in the 2024 draft.

The issue came to a head this past weekend when those suspicions seemed to be confirmed by the Ballers starting lineup which featured an inactive QB, Geno Smith, and five regular starters on the bench.

According to league sources, there have been discussions among the other owners about the situation. One league insider, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said one of the owners was especially “disgusted” by the Ballers poor sportsmanship and advocated for a draft lottery. Another lamented “they aren’t even trying,” while a third owner was infuriated “by [Ballers owner] Mojo D’s assault on the integrity of the league.”

One owner, the Village Green’s Dave Goodrow, was willing to speak on the record about the Ballers’ alleged tanking. 

“There’s nothing I enjoy more than crushing Mojo D,” Goodrow said. “But if I crush him because he tanked, that takes all the joy out of it.”

Mojo D appeared to confirm his tanking with a comment earlier today on the league chat, writing, “Geno understood the assignment.”

Besides instituting a draft lottery, another possible outcome is for the Ballers to be penalized by the Integrity Court with the loss of their first-round pick being one of the punishments that has been suggested.

An employee at Club Gitmo said Mojo D had not been seen in a week. He added the Club Gitmo Sports Book was considering taking bets on whether the Ballers will be penalized for tanking.

This is a developing story.

SHARIF CALLS FOR MARCH ON CAPITOL

Bakers fans begin to gather in downtown Nashville early Saturday after Sir QCurl Sharif's call for them to march on the Tennessee capitol Sunday.

By Man-Ray Natural

The Mainline Dope

NASHVILLE—In an ironic twist played out on the front steps of the Cherry Bomb Cafe, the longtime heartbeat for the London Bakers (orig. 12th Avenue Bakers) fanbase and primordial haunt of QCurl Sharif, the star-crossed owner called for "all true Bakers fans, and patriots of the Baker Nation," to march on the Tennessee state capitol Sunday.

Sharif believes the outcome of the Bakers loss in week 11 of the NFFA season to the Midtown Browns to be fraudulent. The final adjudication of the score appeared on Thanksgiving morning, to the chagrin of the streaking Bakers. 

The irony can be found in the familiar ring to former U.S. president Donald J. Trump's call for his followers to march on the nation's capitol in protest of the 2020 election results he claimed to be invalid and rigged. Sharif uprooted the Bakers franchise in 2016 and moved to London in protest of Trump's election victory over Hillary Clinton.

"We refuse to accept the results," Sharif said. " … [I'm] asking all true Bakers fans to show up at the Bicentennial Mall on Sunday for what I'm calling the Bacchanal March on the Capitol. It’s gonna be wild!"

Sharif was flanked by Judge Naomi Morningstar, who was floated along with Merrick Garland, by former president Barack Obama to fill the vacant Supreme Court position held by the late Ruth Bader Ginsberg. The annual Bacchanal tilt between the Bakers and West Nashville Beelzebubbas is well-attended each year, and the crowd stretched from the front of the Cherry Bomb north along 12th Avenue to Edgehill Boulevard.

"This is one of the largest crowds I've ever seen," Sharif stated. "This may sound like the rant of a sore loser, but it's not — we have irrefutable proof that dead people scored for the Browns in that game. We are the hottest team in the league — you don't really believe we could lose to a team like that? Seriously. We were winning. Way up. A lead that's never been seen before. I woke up Thursday morning and some pencil-neck says the Browns won. It was stolen.

"Elias [Sports Bureau] has pulled this before on people. Good people. It's disgusting. I was with one of my lawyers and Naomi on a zoom call and we were treated so badly. The Elias representative was a very nasty woman."

As preparations were in full swing for the Bacchanal, Tennessee governor Bill Lee called in state troopers to disperse the crowd that by Saturday had swollen to include Bubbas and Bakers fans alike, and gathered in front of the main stage on the Capitol grounds.

The troopers were turned back by an especially fervent line of Bakers supporters known as the Short Mountain Fairies, a militant transgender group joined by traditional event security forces employed by both franchises.

The Bacchanal weekend each year, with events now held at multiple locales, rivals the NFFA championship game with music, nudity, and drug use. This year's legal wrangling over the outcome of the Bakers-Browns game will serve as a volatile undercurrent to the planned festivities now getting underway. The expectation that the game and culminating concert will move forward as planned were confirmed by both Sharif and Gen. G.W. Leonard.

"Lee will have to call in the National Guard if he wants to break those fairies," Leonard said from backstage at the mall's ampitheater. "And, I don't think that will do it, either. That's some hard-pipe shit out there."

Sharif, normally occupied with hosting duties and the Blessing of the Virgins ritual held beneath the Parthenon in Centennial Park, appeared agitated and incoherent when he retreated inside the Cherry Bomb. He appeared to kneel and kiss the hand of the statue of Artemis which greets guests inside the front entrance. Old photos of friends, NFFA owners, and celebrities still cover the walls inside the adjacent bar where die-hard Bakers patrons were gathered and drinking heavily.

"I think Q is lamenting the loss of the American dream," Morningstar said, as she changed into a British flag-themed Nudie suit in Sharif's private lounge and green room within the club. "I understand the Trump comparison in this heated moment, but believe me, he just wants fairness. The Integrity Dinner will be held as planned tonight. And, QCurl plans to touch on important points during his introduction — civil rights, voting rights, and pointedly, abortion rights. He is horrified at what has happened in his home state. In particular, he is incensed that the abortion clinic at the Cherry Bomb has been closed down."

‘Q IS NOBODY’ Santos claims Bakers built on ‘pure fantasy’

Following a change of wardrobe after his surprise press conference, George Santos was photographed as he entered Club Gitmo.

By Ariel-Mutha Tafoya

FSN Sports

In a move that threatened to shake the foundations of the entire league, embattled New York Congressman George Santos on Tuesday denounced London Bakers owner QCurl Sharif as a “complete imposter” whose storied organization is “built on pure fantasy.”

Santos, who faces expulsion from Congress based on a number of allegations, including campaign finance fraud, appeared in Nashville for Bacchanal Week. At a news conference near Nashville’s Bicentennial Mall, where the annual Bacchanal will be staged beginning on Friday, Santos stepped to the microphone wearing a flamboyant Carmen Miranda costume, suggestive of his native Brazil, complete with a headdress made of tropical fruit.

“It gives me no pleasure to say this,” Santos began, “but it must be said: The man who calls himself QCurl Sharif is a fake, a fraud and a fantasy. Q is a nobody, and I hate to see millions of good, honest people deceived by a pretender.”

As Santos elaborated in a long, rambling narrative, he came to Nashville two decades ago as the original drummer for Brazilbilly. Performing nightly with frontman Jesse Lee Jones at Robert’s Western Wear, Santos said he came to know people in country music circles. Later, he said he worked in media relations for the NFFA in its early years—a claim that could not be independently verified.

“I’m in a position to know certain things,” Santos said. “QCurl Sharif is actually a guy named Warren Denney who works for the Country Music Hall of Fame. I played on the Hall’s rec league volleyball team with him. He was never knighted by the Queen of England. He’s not a folk hero in Ukraine. He’s not besties with Joe Biden. He was never the target of an assassination attempt by Taylor Swift. Focus on the Family never put a fatwa on him. He doesn’t operate a swanky club in London. He did have a pet chimpanzee named Mr. TD, but that’s about it. Everything else is a fabrication.”

The question was put to Santos: “Are you saying the whole league is built on a fraud?”

“No, not the whole league,” Santos replied. “For example, I know for sure that Dave the Animal runs a huge international narcotics manufacturing operation in New England. I’ve seen the Methlon facilities. He was one of the rich donors I tried to cultivate for my campaign after he served as chief mediator with Covid-19 during the Trump Administration. DTA is totally legit, even if not totally legal.”

Media reaction was swift and severe. Fox News, a longtime critic of Sharif, used Santos’ claims to paint Sharif and the Bakers—and, by extension, the entire NFFA and its founder, Dr. Jorgé Linardo—as dangerous frauds who peddle anti-American values.

Sharif, who was reportedly at his West End Treehouse with Bakers coach Snoop Dogg as they filmed a TV commercial for BudHub, a new delivery service operated by Sod Bakers, LLC, was not available for comment. Meanwhile, protesters assembled in the 12 South neighborhood, near the team’s former headquarters, carrying signs that said, “Say it ain’t so, Q.” Speaking to an ABC News camera crew in front of the Cherry Bomb Café, Bakers superfan Bill Cheatham, sporting an AR-15 over his shoulder, “I knew it was so all along. Q deceived us and then took the team out of town. And now it turns out he’s just some cog in the country music machine named Warren. Man, [bleep] that.”

On Wednesday, Beelzebubbas owner MetaWorld Death, flanked by NFFA Commissioner Bernie Sanders and Deputy Commissioner Meadow Soprano, addressed Santos’ accusations in his own press conference outside NFFA Headquarters in downtown Nashville.

“I think we all know George Santos’ track record, and it speaks for itself,” said MWD. “Nevertheless, these are serious charges that many credulous people will take as truth, especially when amplified by the haters and liars. It is an abomination to bring these absurd allegations during Bacchanal Week, the celebration that best exemplifies all that is good and true about the greatest sports league of all time. It is not easy going into the annual Integrity Dinner hosted by my old friend Sir Q when our integrity is being challenged in this way.

“I can’t help but think of the words of the philosopher George Clinton, who helped provide this league with its intellectual underpinnings and who will be with us this weekend: ‘Fantasy is reality in the world today. / But I’ll keep hanging in there; that is the only way. / I’m free of the need to be free. / My mine is mine, and mine my mind will always stay. / No man-made law is gonna take it away.”

“Let’s not hate George Santos,” MWD continued. “He’s living a fantasy as a way to cope with the unbearable realities of his world where, like the song says, ‘Insanity is normality.’ He came here dressed like a tropical drag queen because he desperately wants what the NFFA has always embodied. But society has unfortunately taught him that he should try to tear down what we have built here for the world instead of becoming ‘free of the need to be free.’ What he said yesterday should not be seen as accusations against the owner who represents the spiritual heart of this league but as a desperate cry for help. And just as this league has filled such a deep spiritual need for millions, we should reach out to poor, lost George now with a lifeline.”

With that, Commissioner Sanders stepped to the microphone and said, “In the spirit of this great league, I hereby offer an invitation to George Santos to join the annual celebration of the Bacchanal, where he can be whoever he wants without judgment. And I want you to know that the invitation doesn’t just come from me. Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States!”

As the media watched with jaws dropped, Joe Biden emerged from behind a backdrop curtain and said, “Look, let’s dispense with the malarkey that QCurl Sharif is somebody else. Barack and I have been guests at his Tree House many times. I delivered the eulogy at his funeral, for crissake, back when we thought he had been killed in Ukraine. I smoked cigars and sipped brandy with Furious George. Sir Q is the real deal.

“There is simply nothing in our country like the NFFA, which has become a beacon of hope and sanity for so many. I’ve recently been to Israel and met with the leader of China, but there is nothing I could do this month that is more important to renewing this nation than to be here to celebrate an American dream that some people misleadingly call ‘fantasy’ football. George, you have a chance to quit the fantasy world of the Republican Party and latch on here to something that is real and vital. Why don’t you leave your problems behind and come be part of the solution?”

Santos, last seen entering Club Gitmo on Wednesday afternoon, could not be reached for comment. FSN will continue to update this story.

THE STREAK IS OVER Ballers tie Bakers franchise for most losses to start a season

Ballers owner Mojo D in happier times.

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

With their win over the West Nashville Beelzebubbas last weekend, the 1-8 Ballers fell just short of establishing a new record for season-opening futility. Instead, their eight losses to start the 2023 season leaves them in a tie for that ignominious record with the London Bakers franchise. 

The Bakers started two seasons with eight consecutive losses — in 2007 and 2013, back when the franchise was still located in the 12th Avenue neighborhood. What heightened the drama for both franchises is the Ballers traveled to London to play the Bakers in week eight. The outcome was never in doubt as the Bakes cruised to a 45-point victory.

Running back Chris Johnson, who was a member of both those Bakers squads, gathered with some of teammates from those Bakers teams at Club Gitmo Sports Book the past two weekends in anticipation of the Ballers taking sole possession of the record. Johnson was joined by 2007 player-coach Pacman Jones, 2007 quarterback Drew Brees, 2013 defensive end J.J. Watt and the ghost of Rob Bironas, among others.

“We were disappointed the Ballers didn’t claim the record as their own, but we are definitely happy they share the record now,” Jones told the AWP.

After his team’s week eight win over the Ballers, Bakers owner QCurl Sharif celebrated at the One-Eyed Pig in London. “Q laughed, he cried, then he smoked some Howenwald Kush and got the giggles,” said one of the pub’s patrons who attended Sharif’s private postgame party.

While the Ballers’ name is now associated with one of the least desirable records, the franchise avoided being part of another that is even worse. Had the Ballers lost two more games, they would have tied the 2011 Bakers for the longest losing streak at any point in the season of 10 games.

Beelzebubbas co-owner MetaWorldDeath, the former Boyd X. Biggs, took to social media to express his disappointment in being the first team to lose to the Ballers in 2023. “This weekend brings back memories of the Ghost of Biggs suicide after a collapse against the Midtown Mojo,” he wrote. “Fortunately, MetaWorldDeath has experienced a lot of personal growth since his 2nd death.”

According to those close to him, the Ballers’ losing streak had weighed heavily on team owner Mojo D. “He was self-medicating pretty much all his waking hours,” said one Baller insider who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “It was a nonstop flow of gin and tonics, vaping and edibles. You might say he remembered to forget.”

The insider said Mojo D is in much better spirits now that the Ballers have gotten off the schneid. “He’s still self-medicating, of course, because the team is 1-8. But it’s not as heavy. I think he switched to some sativa edibles, so he’s more upbeat.”

Village Green owner Dave Goodrow told this reporter he heard Mojo D was at Robert’s Western World after the game Monday night with former NFL coach Herman Edwards, but AWP has not been able to confirm that.

In a related development, the AWP has learned Goodrow asked the NFFA rules committee to explore the possibility of instituting a draft lottery, a la the NBA, to determine the first four picks in the draft. As the Ballers’ losing streak wore on, the Green owner apparently thought Mojo D was tanking to get the first pick in the 2024 draft. Goodrow was not the only owner to express concern to the rules committee the Ballers were intentionally losing. One owner texted his concern to the committee when the Ballers started undrafted rookie Tyson Bagent at quarterback against the Bakers in week eight. “Mojo D starting Bears QB makes it look like he’s tanking,” the owner wrote.

In another related development, accusations swirled on social media that the ‘Bubbas had thrown the game against the Ballers to ensure that the Bakers would continue to own a share of the record for most consecutive  losses to start a season.

MetaWorldDeath took the uncharacteristic step of replying to the accusations on his Telegram account. “In a league that runs on hate. no one has been more supportive of the two-time defending Jorge division champion Bakers than the West Nashville franchise. We remain brothers in spirit, if not in fact.”

It should be noted, MWD did not actually deny the accusations.

With all the media focused on the record for consecutive losses to start the season, it has gone largely unnoticed that the Boca Chica Daddies have endured a long losing streak of their own — seven games after an opening week win over the Ballers. But like the Ballers, the Daddies ended their streak last weekend, too, with a win over the East Nashville Black Dogs.

VILLAGE GREEN OFFER LAUREL TO MOJO D Laurel gets tossed into dumpster fire

Green coach Stuart Smalley left a heartfelt message for Ballers' owner Mojo D.

By Hugh Jaynus

In a rare move of conciliation, Village Green ownership decided to start two inactive players against the Ballers in an attempt to give Mojo D a much needed first win of the season. 

Even with the effort, the Ballers remain a winless team at 0-7

"Look, Mojo D is a friend and watching his team lose so badly week after week hurts" said team owner Dave Goodrow.  "I called head coach Stuart Smalley late Saturday night and told him to play 2 players that were questionable but through my connections, I KNEW would not be starting.    

Head coach Stuart Smalley went the sensitive route and left a message for Mojo D. Stating, "you're good enough your smart enough, and god-doggit, people like you.  Go out there and get the first win under your belt!"

"This was a much appreciated gesture, but I just can't stop the bleeding" said a somber Mojo D, as he was walking out of Nashville Holistic Connection on Monday night"  

It remains to be seen what else can be done for the Ballers to win.

Mo-Job D? The Curse likens Ballers owner to long-suffering Bible figure

According to The Curse of the Champion, Job complained less about his afflictions than Ballers owner Mojo D.

By Ariel-Mutha Tafoya

FSN Sports

In an exclusive, free-wheeling interview recorded early Tuesday, The Curse of the Champion, bane of NFFA title winners for more than 20 years, addressed a range of questions, from the misfortunes of the winless 2023 Ballers to the succession battle taking place within the Animals organization and the morality of the marketplace.

The normally reclusive Curse (they/them) has never before agreed to an interview, although they did make a brief, unscheduled appearance during last year’s NFFA Media Days. “It was time,” The Curse said. “In this league we operate like gravity, a force that, while unseen, is both real and universally accepted by the owners who are in thrall to our benevolent rule. But [Ballers owner] Mojo D has put us in so bright a spotlight this year that we judged that it might be a good time for a theodicy, so our subjects have a little more insight into how this world works.” 

As an example, The Curse cited the biblical book of Job, the story of a righteous man who insisted that God explain why he had suffered a series of calamities. “In the end,” they said, “God shows up and speaks to Job. So that’s a little of what I’m doing here. I’m showing them, ‘This is the way.’”

“Are you comparing Mojo D to Job?” The Curse was asked. 

“I’m sure in his mind he is Job. Let us just say: We’ve been around a while, in various forms, and we can tell you Job didn’t kvetch half as much about being cursed as Mojo D. He has barely suffered compared to some teams in this league. How would you like to go through life as an Alamo Scout? The Daddies have had to bear the Dominica curse as well as the Curse of the Champion. Freddy Brown is cursed with being a chaplain. QCurl Sharif has endured five assassination attempts, a murdered mascot, two murdered franchise players and a fatwa—none of which can be blamed on The Curse, by the way. So let’s keep shit in perspective when we talk about suffering. Mojo D is certainly the wokest owner in the NFFA, if you want to compare that to the righteousness of Job. But, really, none of this is about righteousness. He won a title. That’s it. The Curse falls on the just and the unjust.”

The question was put to The Curse: “So what would you say to Mojo D?”

“Well,” they replied, “we’re always a bit leery about disclosing sources and methods. Let us just say that we get a lot of credit for shit that we don’t actually do. Once owners accept the power and immutability of the Curse—the reality that we own the owners—it gets pretty easy. We live in their head, and they do most of the work for us. This year, really, it’s way more Mojo D than me.”

“What do you mean?” The Curse was asked.

“Did we make him bench Brock Purdy and Joe Burrow last week?” they shot back. “Hell no. That was all him. But we get the credit.

“It’s like a python,” they elaborated. “The more that teams struggle against The Curse, the tighter The Curse grips them. The exertion mostly comes from them. And we just get to be large and in charge.”

“But Mojo D has acknowledged The Curse’s power from the start and said he knew he was destined to lose this season.”

“Of course he’s going to lose,” The Curse replied. “But there’s losing, and then there’s losing. The Curse stipulates only that a champion cannot repeat. They can make it all the way back to the NFFA championship game. They could even have a perfect season up until the championship game. But they can’t win the championship. 

“Go back to what we said about the struggle. Of all the owners, Mojo D thinks about winning and strategy the most. He’s why the league established the 160-hour rule, after all. The Curse reflects all that energy back against him. So his team is going to suffer much worse than, say, the Beelzebubbas and Animals, who traditionally never spend more than five minutes a week on roster management and game planning. And with Goodrow, it’s maybe five minutes a month, if you’re excluding the time he’s drunk or high.”

“Speaking of the Animals,” the interviewer interjected, “could you comment on DTA’s statement last year that he will sacrifice his sons Wilder and Zuma to you in the future in return for a championship?”

“Well, as you know,” The Curse responded, “unlike DTA, who is traveling backward through time, we do not know what the future holds other than which team will NOT win a championship in each upcoming season. It is true that we expressed an interest in Zuma last year. Have you seen that kid? He’s going to be a monster. Beyond his symbolic value, we think there is an important place for him in our Enforcement Division. If we somehow get Wilder, too, I guess he’s like the ‘player to be named later’ in a baseball trade. Maybe he can be my driver or makes runs to 7-11 for cigarettes. 

“And let’s be real: For now we can only take DTA’s word for it that he gave up Zuma and Wilder, since that all lies ahead in what he calls ‘the days of future past.’ He also says that in the future everyone will be gay. We think that’s probably true, but we still have to consider that we’re being asked to rely on the word of a monopoly capitalist drug lord. And anti-monopolism is a lot of what The Curse is all about. 

“We also find out there’s another son, Doc the Animal, and on top of that there’s a son DTA didn’t even know about, Pinklon. So we’re probably going to have to revisit any deal structure. It smells like DTA may be trying to pull something over on us. He may have been able to negotiate with Covid-19, but you do NOT negotiate with The Curse.”

“Can you elaborate,” The Curse was asked, “on your statement about capitalism?”

“Of course. Unregulated capitalism tends toward monopoly power, and monopolies are immoral. The Curse is a powerful check against monopoly power. We ensure that no team can become a dynasty that chokes off the opportunity for others to grow. Much more than the mild corrective of the worst-to-first draft order, we are the great leveling influence. We are the invisible hand that regulates this marketplace. We are the Intelligent Designer of this creation. And while we prefer not to boast unless we are put in a position where we can no longer avoid it, we are a key reason why the NFFA has become the greatest sports league of all time.”

As the interview concluded, there came one final question: “Does The Curse have residual effects beyond one season?”

“The official duration of The Curse is one year,” they replied. “But the effects can—and have—endured with some teams, based on how they embraced The Curse during its term. To varying degrees, The Curse has affected every franchise in this league, with the exception, of course, of the London Bakers.”

BALLERS' BRUTAL BEGINNING BESET BY BAD BREAKS Is the Curse Turning the '22 Champs into the '23 Chumps?

By Ayiy Gridley

FSPN

The Ballers, once the pride of the Nashvegas Fantasy Football Association, have faced a turbulent start that few could have foreseen. Their winless 0-4 record is a painful testament to a confluence of adverse circumstances that would challenge any team.

Injury woes have become a recurring theme. The sidelining of Cooper Kupp and Nick Chubb, as well as the hobbling of QB Joe Burrow has robbed the Ballers of their offensive firepower. It's like watching a sports car with a flat tire—so much potential, but struggling to get off the starting line.

And yet, while injuries are an unfortunate part of the game, there's the looming shadow of the "Curse of the Champion" that has some fans peering nervously over their shoulders. Is it merely a superstitious fable? Or does it hold some eerie truth? Previous titleholders have found themselves beset by inexplicable mishaps and poor runs of form. Is this the same malevolent force haunting the Ballers?

The team, however, cannot afford to wallow in self-pity or get caught in the snares of superstition. The season is still young, and there's an opportunity to rewrite the narrative. The coaching staff needs to recalibrate strategies, rally the troops, and perhaps look to the waiver wire to bolster their depleted roster.

For the fans of the Ballers, patience and hope are the orders of the day. Every storm has its end, and with determination and a little bit of luck, the Ballers might just break free from their current predicament and the haunting Curse of the Champion.

The front office is closed-mouthed about how Baller-in-Chief Mojo D is taking this rough start, but one indication may be the cryptic disappearance of the Ballers from all social media: TikTok to Instagram to X to Facebook to Reddit, even LinkedIn. All the team’s previous posts have been deleted and replaced without comment by the new Ballers logo, which features an 8-ball and the words “2022 NFFA Champions”. More on this breaking story as it develops. 

FAMILY AFFAIR DTA brings eldest son on board as team prez

Dave the Animal hanging with Chuck D and eldest son Doc the Animal.

..
By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

CAMBRIDGE—In a move long expected by league insiders, Cambridge Animals owner Dave the Animal has named his eldest son Doc the Animal as team president, the AWP has learned.

Animals GM Wilder the Animal is currently living in London where he recently opened a nightclub. As the son of a man who not only named his football team after himself but also used his own likeness as the team's logo, it's not surprising WTA christened his new club Wilder. According to London newspapers, the club was jumping as the preferred spot for the after parties that followed the birthday parties for London Bakers owner QCurl Sharif on August 29 at the One Eyed Pig and East Nashville Black Dogs owner Bill Money on August 30 at the Crossfire Hurricane, the club owned by Money's son Jesus and Mick Jagger.

With WTA occupied across the pond, DTA decided it was time to bring Doc the Animal, aka DocTA, in to run the team's day-to-day operations beginning with tomorrow night's draft. According to a team source who asked not to be identified, DocTA boasted in a group text with DTA and other Animals personnel that he planned to trust his "preexisting vast fantasy knowledge" in running the draft. He went on to add that "I'm very excited to systematically dispose of anyone who gets in the Animals' way."

The AWP reached out to DTA and DocTA for comment, but a spokesperson for the team said they were deep in draft prep and would not be available to the press until after the draft.

More on this story as it develops.

BREAKING: BEIJING BANS BALLERS

China's dictator, Xi Jinping, denounces the 2022 NFFA Champion Ballers in a nationally televised address, ahead of the destruction of an estimated $1.3 billion of Ballers-branded merch.

By Soren Bernyn

FSPN

In a stunning (if not unexpected) turn of events, Xi Jinping denounced the 2022 NFFA Champion Ballers as a "Western exploitation that distorts traditional Chinese Communist values" and banned all mention of the Ballers on media, as well as staged a wholesale destruction of Baller-branded merch. The fires could be seen from space, and the billowing smoke caused panic on Taiwan when the massive cloud reached its shores.

Legions of Chinese Ballers fans were snatched off the street for wearing the team's massively trending Baller-logo Snack Hoodie [below: Charles Barkley stars in the marketing], which burns especially quickly with its black-glitter embellishments.

Within a few days, it appears that the Ballers have been largely erased from what had been the team's largest global market; but the hardcore fans always find a way - a dedicated underground is still connected through Mojo D's Signal feed via a burgeoning satellite-VPN powered by Starlink, but the Chinese cyber-defenses are "tenacious and ruthless," in one analyst's estimation.

But where is Mojo D? It seems like a perpetual question every off-season.

There are occasional posts on Signal, mostly innocuous and typical for the mercurial reigning champion of the NFFA - psychonautic adventures of inner space, extravagant gourmet meals he prepared for the glitterati, astral projection, ego destruction, obscure retreats in odd places, LOTS of videos of the Aurora Borealis that were probably a lot more interesting on DMT.

But there is also a persistent thread that suggests Mojo D has been experimenting with a proprietary AI engine developed by his "army of not-too-evil geniuses" and named "E-Lite" ["not 'uh-leet,' motherf*cker -- 'EE-lite'!" he told one reporter who pronounced it wrong.]

FSPN reached out to Mojo D for comment, and his only response so far has been "It's sad really -- we used to be friends. Chairman Xi may not be a dictator, but he sure is a dick."

Stay tuned to FSPN for more on this developing story.

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BETTER LATE THAN NEVER Dead Lombardi trophy finally delivered to Ballers

Ballers owner (shown above with his 2022 championship ring) finally received the Dead Lombardi trophy on Friday in a ceremony at Club Gitmo Sports Book.

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

More than a month after the Ballers laid claim to the 2022 NFFA crown, the Dead Lombardi trophy was finally delivered to team owner Mojo D Friday afternoon with little-to-no fanfare. The delay was caused by the confusion over who actually won the title game following cancelation of the contest between the Buffalo Bills and Cincinnati Bengals on championship weekend.

Based on incomplete results at the end of that weekend, the Village Green were initially declared the winners. That prompted league personnel to prematurely deliver the 2022 Dead Lombardi trophy to the Green and congratulate the franchise on social media. The league soon realized its error, and Commissioner Bernie Sanders asked that the Green return the trophy while the final results were determined. Around the same time, London Bakers owner QCurl Sharif declared his team “interim champions” by virtue of their win in the third-place game.

By the time word reached the Green that they should return the Dead Lombardi trophy, team sources say owner Dave Goodrow had taken the trophy with him to Miami where he boarded a yacht and sailed into international waters for a week of nonstop partying to celebrate his team’s victory. 

To say the trophy incurred some damage during the week it was on Goodrow’s yacht would be a gross understatement. When it was finally returned to NFFA headquarters, one league official described it as being in an irreparable condition.

“First, the trophy was severely dented,” the official who wished not to be identified said. “And it was badly discolored, probably as a result of being urinated on many times. I say that because it smelled like cat piss. Plus, it was covered in what looked like dried feces. I mean, it was so foul we hired a company that disposes of toxic wastes to come take it away for us.”

When reached for comment, Goodrow said he had no idea how the trophy came to be in that condition, although he did acknowledge it may have been dropped. “But only once, if that,” he insisted. He went on to suggest whichever carrier the Green used when they returned the trophy to the league had likely caused the damage.

A replacement trophy had to be ordered, and it was finally delivered to league offices early in the week. That led to the quiet, hastily arranged ceremony at Club Gitmo Sports Book on Friday at which Commissioner Sanders presented the new trophy to Mojo D. League co-founder Dr. Jorge Linardo was on hand for the occasion, as was Saddam Hussein, manager of the sports book.

“Congratulations to the Ballers,” Sanders said as he handed the trophy to Mojo D. “And congratulations to Mojo D for joining the exclusive club of NFFA owners with four championship rings.”

A subdued Mojo D thanked the commissioner and the others gathered on behalf of the Ballers organization, but made no further remarks. The ceremony was over in a matter of minutes.

One might think with the Dead Lombardi trophy finally in the hands of the Ballers the 2022 NFFA season could at last be put to bed. But maybe not. The Bakers have an interim Dead Lombardi trophy, an exact replica of the official one, on display at Sharif’s London club, The One Eyed Pig. According to the Daily Mirror, the trophy has become a genuine attraction and business is booming day and night at the Pig.

Prior to the Super Bowl, with his team on the brink of winning the “Don’t Be a Cornuto” playoff league, Sharif said, “I will posit that if the Bakers win the ‘Don’t Be a Cornuto’ league, and combined with our division title and our interim regular season championship, that we will have more right to claim overall NFFA supremacy in 2022 than the Ballers.”

While the Bakers did win the playoff league, Sharif would be hard-pressed to find anyone outside Bakers nation who would agree with his assessment of the situation. But he’s not the only owner who thinks there will always be questions about the Ballers’ 2022 title.

“It will always be tainted,” one owner who spoke on condition of anonymity said. “In most people’s minds, there will always be an asterisk next to the 2022 champion. Maybe even in Mojo D’s mind, too.”