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| A still-grieving 12th Avenue Bakers owner QCurl Sharif during a recent visit to the gravesite of the team's former head coach and kicker Rob Bironas. |
By Anson Mount
Playboy, Oct. 5, 2014
In 12th Avenue Bakers owner QCurl Sharif's first interview since the tragic death of coach Rob Bironas, and following the volatile hours after the trading of franchise favorite J.J. Watt, Anson Mount of Playboy magazine sat down in the starcrossed tastemaker's home and talked about those recent events, and his childhood, part of which was spent on the streets of New Dehli . Sharif is a founding owner of the NFFA, business magnate, investor, confidante to the president, philanthropist, convicted felon, and in perpetual recovery. The shedding of his Russian partnership, in favor of a new, controversial tryst with Petro Poroshenko, the Chocolate King, and president of the Ukraine, has led to charges of corruption and even cheating, all of which Sharif denies.
PLAYBOY: Are you high?
SHARIF: [silence]
PLAYBOY: I can't help but notice that we're listening to Willie Nelson. He's a friend of the Bakers, is he not?
SHARIF: Snoop and Willie have recorded at the Tree House, so yes. The Bakers have a lot of friends. Of course, I think Willie is a true original just like this franchise. We don't have the rings, but by God, no one likes to walk into Bakerland on Sundays. And, now in light of this latest event, I have to hope that this will be the year — we have added motivation.
PLAYBOY: How did you first find out about Rob Bironas's death?
SHARIF: I received a phone call from Snoop. He was crying. It was hard for me to understand at first, and then the bottom fell out for me. The floor gave way beneath me, and I realized a bedrock personality of this franchise had fallen. I mean, Jesus, I hadn't even been back that long from a really heavy scene with Faith, and then ... then this. At least, it appears he was having a little fun with people before he went out. Kidding with some college students, that sort of thing. And, as it appears he had been at the Cherry Bomb that night, at least for part of it, I think it fitting that we've named a new signature drink in his honor — the Number Two. Kind of has a ring, don't you think? Snoop came up with the idea. I've tried to talk to Faith since this went down, but apparently the doctors in Ukraine prefer to keep her pretty heavily sedated. I don't think she really knows about him, yet. We're hoping to bring her home soon, though, so that will make things seem a little more normal around here. We'll tell her then. I think she had a thing with him back in the day.
PLAYBOY: There are those who think the tragedy had an effect on you leading up the Bakers' game with the Corsairs. A game you lost convincingly. How do you answer that?
SHARIF: People have talked about me in this league for years. They're obsessed with me. Analyzing everything about me. Did QCurl drop acid with Obama? Did QCurl have Steve McNair killed? Did QCurl sleep with Mr. TD? Did QCurl lose his mind when he traded away J.J. Watt? The answers are yes, no, yes, no. J.J.'s a great player, but he's always played for a losing team here. I had to make the hard decision that he has been part of the problem. You have to titrate properly, but with the correct and measured balance of Mushroom Mate in the bloodstream, all things become clear. And, this became clear to me — and Bironas gave me his blessing — that J.J. was a cancer on the team. He has known nothing but the bottom here. And, I know he won't bite me. I've seen the so-called 'Mr. Perfect' naked, and he is not perfect — if you know what I mean. If he comes back on us, certain facts about him could emerge. Meanwhile, I wish him well. I hope he beats others for the Black Dogs. I may have overrated Cousins — I mean we want to unload Peyton ultimately — and my disdain for the Corsairs is well known and may have clouded my judgment there, but J.J. was on his way out. Playing out his contract and being a part of the problem here had sealed his fate. Bironas and Snoop thought he might be Aryan or something. Maybe a white witch. We may have had some laughs and partied a few times, but between the lines, the guy hurts his team. McMahon will know what I mean at the end of the season. And, C.J.'s not that secure, himself. I mean, J.J., C.J., this shit's got to be gone. I'm starting to look for some good Muslim players. What about that Sanu guy in Cincy? Is he Muslim?
PLAYBOY: Some might find those last remarks a little offensive.
SHARIF: We need offense. And, right now it looks like the Muslim players want it more.
PLAYBOY: Would you care to tell us how you wound up in bed with Petro Poroshenko?
SHARIF: Nude, and under the influence. I had been invited to Ukraine to speak at a fundraiser there — raising money for a school for mail-order brides, or something. And, the next thing I knew, Faith and I were in the raw running down a hallway in what appeared to be a Soviet-era Holiday Inn or something like it. I was tripping on the pattern in the rug while we were running, and Faith was checking doors with no luck, until we came to the end of the hallway and we entered an opulent room which held a chocolate-covered orgy. Dripping gold chandeliers — the works! I remember, vaguely, seeing some big guy on top of her — kind of a Rosemary's Baby thing — and then I woke up the next morning in bed with Big Chocky — I literally found myself in bed with him. Faith had disappeared. Our traveling companion had disappeared. Then, Petro told me of the heartless Mother Russia. Of Putin's thievery. Of how they were mocking me in Europe. He offered me a way out. He asked me to stay and fight, and in return, he would save the Bakers. We haven't looked back since that morning. Actually, I did look back once, literally, from my tank and I saw Faith flying through the air, blown from her vehicle. Her beautiful hair seemed on fire. She's a redhead, but this was different. And, I thought I saw a smaller figure, a primate, running into the woods from the burning vehicle. Later, Petro assured me that she was alive, and under excellent care. I can't wait to see her. To tell her how wrong I've been. You know, it's funny, but she always hated J.J. Watt. She hadn't wanted me to draft him in the first place. Later, I heard secondhand that she had been victimized by him. Something to do with an insecurity he had with his body, and that he had gotten rough with her after a failure to achieve. Now, I don't know this for a fact, and it had nothing to do with the Bakers letting him go, but it has become clear to me that he has no place with us. We're moving to a new beat. To a new future.
PLAYBOY: You've never spoken much about the early years. I've heard you were raised in an orphanage. Others have said you led an early life of secret privilege. Do you think your past points to your future? To the future of the Bakers?
SHARIF: I don't prefer to dwell on the past, but I was raised in an orphanage. I've always been open about it. I was brought up by nuns in the heart of New Dehli. The Hindi respect the selflessness of certain Christian sects. I remember receiving a daily bath from Sister Echo. She was young and full of herself, and infused within me a bounteous joy. I learned to be hopeful, and to look to a brighter day. I learned to worship the female form. I became obsessed with anything that had breasts. I studied the mythology of the great cultures. Ultimately, after many perfumed nights, I became a follower of Artemis. There were festivals in which Sister Echo and I painted one another with bright and colorful plant dyes and ran through the streets of New Dehli. I thought it strange that she would harass the poor. But, she told me to remove myself from losers and walk in the light of sex. I was 13 years old, maybe 14, when she introduced me to the Animal. He, too, had been raised there, in the same orphanage, but removed from me, and he had also been pampered. But there was one glaring difference. He had been raised by monks.
PLAYBOY: You mean Dave the Animal — of Cambridge?
SHARIF: I'm sorry. You must have heard me wrong.
PLAYBOY: Not at all, I heard you quite plainly.
SHARIF: I think you need to leave now.
PLAYBOY: You did say Dave the Animal.
SHARIF: You're no longer welcome here. If you don't leave, I'll have you removed.
PLAYBOY: Are you high?
SHARIF: @#$% you!
At this point during the interview, the audio became indecipherable with the sound of keys hitting the floor and furniture being overturned. Mount later filed the interview under duress, and under the threat of legal action. It appears here in its entirety.
PLAYBOY: Are you high?
SHARIF: [silence]
PLAYBOY: I can't help but notice that we're listening to Willie Nelson. He's a friend of the Bakers, is he not?
SHARIF: Snoop and Willie have recorded at the Tree House, so yes. The Bakers have a lot of friends. Of course, I think Willie is a true original just like this franchise. We don't have the rings, but by God, no one likes to walk into Bakerland on Sundays. And, now in light of this latest event, I have to hope that this will be the year — we have added motivation.
PLAYBOY: How did you first find out about Rob Bironas's death?
SHARIF: I received a phone call from Snoop. He was crying. It was hard for me to understand at first, and then the bottom fell out for me. The floor gave way beneath me, and I realized a bedrock personality of this franchise had fallen. I mean, Jesus, I hadn't even been back that long from a really heavy scene with Faith, and then ... then this. At least, it appears he was having a little fun with people before he went out. Kidding with some college students, that sort of thing. And, as it appears he had been at the Cherry Bomb that night, at least for part of it, I think it fitting that we've named a new signature drink in his honor — the Number Two. Kind of has a ring, don't you think? Snoop came up with the idea. I've tried to talk to Faith since this went down, but apparently the doctors in Ukraine prefer to keep her pretty heavily sedated. I don't think she really knows about him, yet. We're hoping to bring her home soon, though, so that will make things seem a little more normal around here. We'll tell her then. I think she had a thing with him back in the day.
PLAYBOY: There are those who think the tragedy had an effect on you leading up the Bakers' game with the Corsairs. A game you lost convincingly. How do you answer that?
SHARIF: People have talked about me in this league for years. They're obsessed with me. Analyzing everything about me. Did QCurl drop acid with Obama? Did QCurl have Steve McNair killed? Did QCurl sleep with Mr. TD? Did QCurl lose his mind when he traded away J.J. Watt? The answers are yes, no, yes, no. J.J.'s a great player, but he's always played for a losing team here. I had to make the hard decision that he has been part of the problem. You have to titrate properly, but with the correct and measured balance of Mushroom Mate in the bloodstream, all things become clear. And, this became clear to me — and Bironas gave me his blessing — that J.J. was a cancer on the team. He has known nothing but the bottom here. And, I know he won't bite me. I've seen the so-called 'Mr. Perfect' naked, and he is not perfect — if you know what I mean. If he comes back on us, certain facts about him could emerge. Meanwhile, I wish him well. I hope he beats others for the Black Dogs. I may have overrated Cousins — I mean we want to unload Peyton ultimately — and my disdain for the Corsairs is well known and may have clouded my judgment there, but J.J. was on his way out. Playing out his contract and being a part of the problem here had sealed his fate. Bironas and Snoop thought he might be Aryan or something. Maybe a white witch. We may have had some laughs and partied a few times, but between the lines, the guy hurts his team. McMahon will know what I mean at the end of the season. And, C.J.'s not that secure, himself. I mean, J.J., C.J., this shit's got to be gone. I'm starting to look for some good Muslim players. What about that Sanu guy in Cincy? Is he Muslim?
PLAYBOY: Some might find those last remarks a little offensive.
SHARIF: We need offense. And, right now it looks like the Muslim players want it more.
PLAYBOY: Would you care to tell us how you wound up in bed with Petro Poroshenko?
SHARIF: Nude, and under the influence. I had been invited to Ukraine to speak at a fundraiser there — raising money for a school for mail-order brides, or something. And, the next thing I knew, Faith and I were in the raw running down a hallway in what appeared to be a Soviet-era Holiday Inn or something like it. I was tripping on the pattern in the rug while we were running, and Faith was checking doors with no luck, until we came to the end of the hallway and we entered an opulent room which held a chocolate-covered orgy. Dripping gold chandeliers — the works! I remember, vaguely, seeing some big guy on top of her — kind of a Rosemary's Baby thing — and then I woke up the next morning in bed with Big Chocky — I literally found myself in bed with him. Faith had disappeared. Our traveling companion had disappeared. Then, Petro told me of the heartless Mother Russia. Of Putin's thievery. Of how they were mocking me in Europe. He offered me a way out. He asked me to stay and fight, and in return, he would save the Bakers. We haven't looked back since that morning. Actually, I did look back once, literally, from my tank and I saw Faith flying through the air, blown from her vehicle. Her beautiful hair seemed on fire. She's a redhead, but this was different. And, I thought I saw a smaller figure, a primate, running into the woods from the burning vehicle. Later, Petro assured me that she was alive, and under excellent care. I can't wait to see her. To tell her how wrong I've been. You know, it's funny, but she always hated J.J. Watt. She hadn't wanted me to draft him in the first place. Later, I heard secondhand that she had been victimized by him. Something to do with an insecurity he had with his body, and that he had gotten rough with her after a failure to achieve. Now, I don't know this for a fact, and it had nothing to do with the Bakers letting him go, but it has become clear to me that he has no place with us. We're moving to a new beat. To a new future.
PLAYBOY: You've never spoken much about the early years. I've heard you were raised in an orphanage. Others have said you led an early life of secret privilege. Do you think your past points to your future? To the future of the Bakers?
SHARIF: I don't prefer to dwell on the past, but I was raised in an orphanage. I've always been open about it. I was brought up by nuns in the heart of New Dehli. The Hindi respect the selflessness of certain Christian sects. I remember receiving a daily bath from Sister Echo. She was young and full of herself, and infused within me a bounteous joy. I learned to be hopeful, and to look to a brighter day. I learned to worship the female form. I became obsessed with anything that had breasts. I studied the mythology of the great cultures. Ultimately, after many perfumed nights, I became a follower of Artemis. There were festivals in which Sister Echo and I painted one another with bright and colorful plant dyes and ran through the streets of New Dehli. I thought it strange that she would harass the poor. But, she told me to remove myself from losers and walk in the light of sex. I was 13 years old, maybe 14, when she introduced me to the Animal. He, too, had been raised there, in the same orphanage, but removed from me, and he had also been pampered. But there was one glaring difference. He had been raised by monks.
PLAYBOY: You mean Dave the Animal — of Cambridge?
SHARIF: I'm sorry. You must have heard me wrong.
PLAYBOY: Not at all, I heard you quite plainly.
SHARIF: I think you need to leave now.
PLAYBOY: You did say Dave the Animal.
SHARIF: You're no longer welcome here. If you don't leave, I'll have you removed.
PLAYBOY: Are you high?
SHARIF: @#$% you!
At this point during the interview, the audio became indecipherable with the sound of keys hitting the floor and furniture being overturned. Mount later filed the interview under duress, and under the threat of legal action. It appears here in its entirety.
