SHARIF ADDRESSES GENERAL ASSEMBLY Reclusive Owner Hails Baker Nation as ‘New World Power’

QCurl Sharif called for a "world party" at the UN last week.


By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya,
Fantasy Sports News

(Editor's note: The publication of this story was delayed because of a cyber attack launched against FSN on Sept. 24.)

NEW YORK — Following long-winded speeches by Libya’s Muammar Qaddafi and Iran’s Mohammad Ahmedinejad, 12th Avenue Bakers owner QCurl Sharif made history last Thursday as the first NFFA owner to address the United Nations General Assembly in New York.

“We speak for all the downtrodden who are tired of being treated as Third World entities,” said Sharif, who sported a black T-shirt inscribed “Shiva Is My Co-Pilot” under his black blazer. “A new world football power has risen in the Baker Nation, and we demand our rightful place at this council.”

Many of the delegates who had walked out earlier during the speech of the Iranian leader returned to the great hall when they heard cheers erupting for Sharif, who announced it was “time for a world party,” said that attempts to eradicate production of coca leaves were part of a conspiracy by the Trilateral Commission, and declared that he and TV host Glenn Beck were “gonna make it snow all up in here.”

Sharif’s address apparently had been arranged by President Barack Obama, who presided over the General Assembly on Thursday. White House spokespersons said they knew nothing in advance of the speech, but Bakers PR maven Faith Popcorn explained that the address had been arranged by Obama when he and his wife attended the Bakers’ draft party in Nashville on August 31. “It’s not surprising that the president doesn’t remember what went on that night,” Popcorn added, declining to elaborate further, “but I can promise you it happened. Let’s just say he hasn’t quite given up smoking.”

After his address, Sharif was unavailable for comment but was seen leaving with Amy Winehouse and Qaddafi, and overheard saying, “Let’s hit your party tent.”

CHAMPS REELING AFTER ‘LOST WEEKEND’ Sea Hogs, West and Fans’ Animals Take Bite Out of Black Dogs

Kanye West arriving at the Dog House to sing the national
anthem. Could that be QCurl on the phone?

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

(Editor's note: The publication of this story was delayed because of a cyber attack launched against FSN on Sept. 24.)

EAST NASTY — It was a dark and stormy weekend in East Nashville. And no one had forecast that events would conspire to rain on the parade of the defending NFFA champion Black Dogs.

The Black Dogs’ home opener was to be a time for marking the team’s unprecedented 16-0 season, with the traditional “running of the black dogs,” the awarding of championship rings, and the presentation of the NFFA Championship Trophy (the Money Cup) by league Commissioner Bill Money.

It would be a gross understatement to say things didn’t go as planned. First, the Black Dogs received their first loss in 18 games — and their worst loss in three years — at the hands of their hated rivals, the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs.

Then, during the trophy presentation at halftime, singer Kanye West, who had performed the national anthem before the game, rushed onto the field, took a microphone from Commissioner Money and shouted, “This trophy rightfully belongs to the greatest team ever, the 12th Avenue Bakers!” A befuddled GM Buddy Ryan, who was to accept the trophy, was left speechless.

As the contest ended, Sea Hogs fans attempted to cross the roped-off section within Black Dogs Stadium where they had been confined in hopes of avoiding the attacks by black dogs at last year’s game that sent over 100 visitors to local hospitals. This time, numerous Sea Hogs fans received strong electrical shocks from an invisible fencing system that East Nashville team officials said had been erected to keep dogs out of the area. The officials claimed to be unaware that the tickets allotted to Fidalgo Island fans had been coded to receive a jolt if the ticket holders attempted to cross the fence line. “We are looking into the possibility of sabotage by a fellow NFFA team,” said one official on the condition of anonymity. Fifteen Sea Hogs fans were treated for injuries at the stadium’s first aid station.

As a final insult, Ryan was set upon by a pack of black dogs let loose by irate East Nashville fans who waited for the general manager to attempt to reach his car after the game. “Buddy ran his mouth all week and made our team look sick,” said one fan, “so we sicced our dogs on his ass.” Ryan’s clothes were ripped, and he received one gash deep enough to require stitches but sustained no serious injuries.

After winning the division four years in a row, the Black Dogs entered week three in the uncharacteristic position of last place in the Jorgé division, behind the 2-0 Bakers, Beelzebubbas and Animals. “We’ll be back,” vowed Ryan at his weekly media breakfast at Shoney’s.

“The Greeks had a word for this — chutzpah,” observed Mojo D, who spoke briefly with this reporter as he entered the Jojo-a-Go-Go to attend a charity event. “You could see it coming.”

Mojo D Speaks Out on Week 3

Mojo D courtesy of Rosetta Stone, Midtown Mojo Minister of Propaganda


Mojo D Talks About Week 3

By Soren Bernyn, FSN

In a shift from his previous modus operandi of rambling inanity during press conferences, Midtown Mojo owner/GM/coach Mojo D has taken to issuing a "media availability." You can listen to the "entire" 3:30 recording below -- in it, he addresses the Mojo's lackluster performance because of "piss-poor coaching" in week 2, and looks at this week's NFFA slate, including the inaugural game at the Mojo's Fat Tire Stadium. I toured the facility this week -- despite numerous construction delays and allegations of city-hall payoffs, it is a world-class stadium. The first ever, wind-powered ("we're off the grid, bitch!" were the only words Mojo D spoke on the tour), all-skybox venue in the NFFA.

THE STREAK IS OVER !!!

Streaking Sea Hogs fans celebrate victory over the Black Dogs and the end of the Black Dogs 17-game winning streak.

The Streak Is Over!!!

By Bill O'Really, FAUX NEWS

FIDALGO ISLAND -- "The Streak is over!!!" This is what Sea Hogs fans are shouting as they approach Sea Hogs' SPRINT Stadium after running naked through the streets of beautiful Fidalgo Island to celebrate their stunning defeat of the top-ranked East Nashville Black Dogs and the end of the Black Dogs 17-game winning streak. As soon as the game ended, FISH fans left their TV sets, shed their clothes, ran from their homes, and sprinted to the Sea Hogs' home field in a spontaneous show of joyous emotion to support their team and its accomplishment.

The Sea Hogs trounced the Black Dogs this weekend 197 to 110 in a road win that will go down in history as one of the greatest upsets of all time.

It was a commanding performance by the Sea Hogs on both sides of the ball. The Sea Hogs' offense scored more points than any other NFFA team this season and its defense held East Nasty to what will probably be its lowest point total of the year.

The Sea Hogs were lead by QB Peyton Manning, who scored 42 points, and by RBs Frank Gore and Darren Sproles, who scored 35 and 32 points respectively. Many believe that Gore's outstanding performance was motivated by revenge due to the fact that the Black Dogs' GM Buddy Ryan did not renew Gore's contract at the end of last season, allowing the Sea Hogs' owner Tirik Obobber to pick him up. Gore denied any such motivation, stating, "We're just good, dude!" He then added, "Hey Buddy, welcome to the L bracket."

But the highlight for the Fidalgo Islanders was the termination of "The Streak," the Black Dogs 17-game winning streak which began after the West Nashville Beelzebubbas defeated the Black Dogs in the NFFA playoffs two seasons ago. The Black Dogs went undefeated last season and won the NFFA Championship for 2008. The Sea Hogs' victory this weekend also put an end to the Black Dogs' 22 consecutive regular season victories.

It's now back to the drawing board for the Black Dogs, who are 1 - 1 for the season and have a one-game losing streak. The Sea Hogs are also 1 - 1, but have a one-game winning streak.

It should be noted that after reaching the stadium and celebrating their victory, the Sea Hogs fans were greeted with news that Leader, the chief mascot of the Black Dogs, had lost the use of his back legs. The fans huddled in a circle and prayed for Leader and his speedy recovery.

COMMISH SHOOTS DOWN DOGS' PLANS FOR SEA HOGS' FANS

As a favor to coach Jizzle McMizzle, Carmen Electra posed for the above flyer to be distributed at this week's Black Dogs-Sea Hogs contest in East Nashville.


By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — At his weekly media circus yesterday, East Nashville coach Jizzle McMizzle announced that the team had received word that NFFA Commissioner William D. Money will not allow them to cordon off the Fidalgo Island fans in a corner of the stadium parking lot.

Black Dogs GM Buddy Ryan had announced the plan on Tuesday at his press breakfast, insisting it was for the protection of the Sea Hogs fans. On the opening weekend of the 2008 season, during El Ejecutarse de los Perros Negros, or The Running of the Black Dogs, 100 Sea Hogs fans were brutally attacked and bitten when 40 or 50 of the more than 500 black dogs ascended into their section of the stadium.

McMizzle said the new plan was to put a 20-foot-high, chain-link fence around the Sea Hogs section. "We have to protect our friends from Fidalgo Island, but the black dogs gotta run," he said. He also said he didn't know if the commissioner had approved the new plan or not, that he was just repeating what "Buddy told me."

McMizzle also announced that 50,000 flyers featuring Carmen Electra in the famous Coppertone ad pose (above) will be distributed prior to the game to remind Black Dogs fans to not let their dogs bite the Sea Hogs fans.

Yesterday was the first time McMizzle's weekly media zoo had been held at his newly opened nightclub, Jizzle McMizzle's, which is the event's new location for 2009. The coach with the league's highest winning percentage since taking the reigns of the East Nashville franchise in 2005 spent most of the time praising the 12th Avenue Bakers — and expressing his fear of them.

"Don't get me wrong, the entire Jorge division worries me, but the Bakers scare me," he said. "You know, President Obama, picked the NCAA basketball champion, and now that he's picking the Bakes — I don't know, it just seems like the stars are aligning for QCurl this season. A new star is rising in South Nashvegas, and I fear it may be a case of sic transit gloria canes niger."

McMizzle waved off questions about the Black Dogs' 70-point stomping of the Atlanta Smack Daddies on opening weekend, and the team's two current winning streaks —wins in 17 straight games, and 22 consecutive regular-season wins.

"I'm not here to talk about the past," he said. "Nor am I here to talk about the future."

When a female reporter from The Tennessean asked what he meant by that, he said, "I meant, 'Get me another margarita, bi-yotch.' Don't you work here?" When she said she didn't, he said "never mind, then," and walked over to the bar to order the drink himself, signaling the end of the event.

BLACK DOGS GM: BAN L DIVISION FROM PLAYOFFS

Buddy Ryan has coffee with a Black Dogs fan at Shoney's yesterday morning.


By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — Crazy talk coming from Buddy Ryan is nothing new. But that said, none of the gathered media were ready for what the East Nashville GM proposed at his inaugural press breakfast yesterday morning at the Shoney's near the stadium.

"If no teams from the Linardo division win this weekend, then I think only Jorge division teams should be allowed in the postseason playoffs," Ryan said, between bites of sausage links. "I have formally proposed this to Commissioner [William D.] Money."

Ryan pointed out that not a single team from the Linardo division had a winning record last year, "and they are keeping their streak going this season with a perfect 0-4 start." He added, "You can't spell loser without an L," then cackled loudly.

When asked if he thought his proposed rule change would get enough support to pass, Ryan replied, "Well, I figure everyone in our division will vote for it — why wouldn't they? And you figure one of the Loser division teams — probably the No-Jos — will stab their division rivals in the back and vote for it, too."

Reached at league headquarters afterwards, Money declined to comment, but said he had received Ryan's proposal and intended to review its merits.

Ryan made a few other announcements during the one-hour press breakfast, including:

• The team will wear a number nine decal on their helmets this season in honor of one-time Black Dogs quarterback Steve McNair.

• There will be a ceremony commemorating the Black Dog's perfect 16-0, 2008 championship season before this weekend's game against visiting Fidalgo Island with a special presentation by the commissioner.

The Black Dogs' chief was reminded that it was just over a year ago that Sea Hogs fans were mauled by black dogs allowed on the field during halftime of the game, and was asked if the black dogs would be allowed in the stadium this weekend.

"We are continuing our longstanding, opening-day tradition, El Ejecutarse de los Perros Negros or The Running of the Black Dogs," Ryan said. "But we are taking extra precautions to guarantee the safety of our guests from out West.

"To make sure none of the black dogs in the stadium attack the Sea Hogs fans, we've decided to not allow any Sea Hogs fans into the Dog House. Instead, they will be able to view the game on theater-size screens from the comfort of an enclosed compound set up on the Southern edge of the parking lot."

OBAMA PICKS BAKERS TO TAKE IT ALL

President Obama spent draft night with Snoop.

Chief Exec Likes Cut Of Bakers' Jib

By Faith Popcorn, Bakers PR

NASHVILLE -- It's official. President Barack Obama likes the Bakers' chances in 2009. The commander-in-chief spent Monday's draft night in the war room with head coach Snoop Dogg and owner QCurl Sharif — a notable donor to the Obama campaign. And, he may have had a hand in a few of the Baker picks.

"He had already told us he was high on Ricky Williams," Sharif said Wednesday from the Cherry Bomb Cafe. "And he really seemed to get nervous as the rounds went by and we hadn't brought him back. Obama felt Ricky had been an important cog in a couple of Treehouse productions, and had chipped in on the field as well.

"After the draft was over, and Michelle and Amy dropped in, he said he thought we were the team to beat this year -- though he acknowledged what the Black Dogs had done last season. Then Snoop dropped the sack and it got wet in there."

The Bakers are coming off their first playoff season ever, and are riding a wave of enthusiasm that has been evident in season-ticket sales. Also, Sharif stated that they were expecting an overflow crowd at Steve McNair's much-delayed memorial celebration to take place at the Cherry Bomb September 11.

"Obama implied that he might make it back down for that," Sharif said. "He said he missed his post-election party at the Treehouse and thought this one might even top that. He even indicated that he has a commemorative drink idea for the season — Country Madness No.9"

Ironically, it was a party at the Cherry Bomb three years ago celebrating the goddess Artemis, in which McNair suffered a serious sternum injury when the roof of the club collapsed and he fell two stories onto the main bar.