Mojo D Desperately Seeking Mojo's Mojo

Mojo D met with a voudon called Shula (left) to conjure up a win for Midtown; Mojo Jojo (right) sacrificed a paw for the cause.

by Soren Bernyn, FSN
After another winless start, the Midtown Mojo are looking for any help they can get. Coach Mojo D was spotted earlier this week outside Midtown, meeting with a voudon (voodoo priestess) to find a supernatural edge against the Bakers in their Week 4 tilt. "Clearly, the Mojo have lost their Mojo. The front-office is looking good with free agent pick-ups like Mike Vick and Dustin Keller, but it ain't happening on the field, and that's all about luck -- so we've got to change our luck. The best way I know how to do that is hire a conjurer."

Accompanying Mojo D was the team's mascot and GM, Mojo Jojo. "Jojo is coming along to renew his commitment to the team by sacrificing the powerful talisman of the monkey-paw. Shula tells me this is how she helped the 1972 Dolphins and 2009 Saints in their historic victories." Indeed, after the encounter, Jojo was sporting a metallic, bionic hand, but had nothing to say to the media. He did, however, use the new hand to fling poo at reporters on the scene, laughing maniacally (see photo, right above).

The Mojo-Bakers rivalry has usually been a tepid affair, but Mojo D turned up the heat with the opening of the Mojodome, which is located on the grounds of the Tennessee Governor's Mansion. It is the first geothermal-powered, fully underground stadium in the world -- its retractable roof is the front lawn of the mansion. But it also is outside the generally accepted (but disputed) boundaries of Midtown, and close to South Nashville turf claimed by the Bakers. "We've worked it out as far south as Woodmont Blvd., then it's no-man's land. Or rather, it WAS no-man's land."

Mojo D's shell company, Midtown Merch, has also purchased 10,000 "Homer" masks to mock the Baker's owner, whose affinity for Tennessee Titans players has been a source of hilarity for other teams in the NFFA. During "Homer Sharif Day," the Mojo will distribute the masks for fans to wear on their march to the Bakers' field. (Illustration below provided by Mojo PR Diva, Rosetta Stone)

BAKER FANS RALLY FOR OPENER

Self-proclaimed Baker UberFan Lady 2Curl relaxes in front of the Cherry Bomb Cafe as the faithful began to gather on Wednesday.

By Faith Popcorn
Bakers PR

Nashville -- In preparation for this weekend's opener with the Alamo Scouts, 12th Ave. Bakers fans began pouring into the Cherry Bomb Cafe and the surrounding city blocks on Wednesday to show support for a team they expect to make run deep into the playoffs this year.

"We've already been disrespected by the press," said Bakers head coach Snoop Dogg, who was on hand for the traditional Busting of the Cherry that traditionally kicks off the season for the hopeful each year. No one was injured at this year's event. "Methlon Publications obviously cow-towed to the ham-handed tactics of the Beelzebubbas' organization in recalling the preseason magazines. This has their pawprints all over it, and if the Animals' ownership is so out of it to allow themselves to be manipulated by what is patently known as a rogue organization — well we certainly don't have to worry about them putting a competitive team on the field.

"One down, six to go."

It should be noted that this year's celebration is being resided over by Cherry Buster Queen Lady 2Curl, who will be on hand as an honorary captain for the coin toss. Bakers' owner QCurl Sharif will not attend pre-game festivities this year, but will arrive in Nashville prior to the opener, following an extended rehab stint in Bordeaux. This marks his third straight pre-season rehab stay, and coach Dogg elaborated.

"That's in North Nashville, not France," said Dogg. "My kind of wine country. I'm not saying the man ain't clean, but most people go there to get shot."