NFFA TOWER BOMBED League founder Jorgé Linardo still missing; multiple claims of responsibility

Authorities are investigating whether suspected bomber Anthony Quinn Warner had ties to the London Bakers after learning he lived in Bakertown and once had a ceramic statue of the team's mascot Mr. TD in his front yard.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

 

At the beginning of its championship weekend, the NFFA was literally rocked early on Christmas morning by a bomb attack that left the league’s founder missing and heavily damaged its downtown Nashville headquarters.

 

Shortly after 6:30 a.m. on Friday, an enormous bomb detonated from an RV parked in front of the NFFA Tower on Second Avenue. The explosion blew out windows in the building, along with an enormous hole in the first- and second-floor facades. Structural engineers have been on the scene for the past 24 hours to assess whether the building’s integrity has been compromised.

 

Worse than any damage to the building, sources are concerned that the NFFA may have lost its founder and guiding spirit, Dr. Jorgé Linardo, who was known to have been inside the league’s offices approximately an hour before the explosion.

 

“We’ve always kept this on the down low because of El Jefé’s modesty, but every Christmas Eve he likes to drive around town in his old red Saab and deliver packets, er, packages to people, shouting ‘Let it snow!’ and then tossing back his head in silent laughter,” said Beelzebubbas owner Mos’ Ded, who told police he was with Dr. Linardo most of the night. “We wound up at the Tower a little after 5, but we came in through the parking garage entrance on First Avenue and wouldn’t have seen whether a suspicious RV was parked out front. I left him there so I could go back to Club Gitmo to take Saddam and [former commissioner Jim] McMahon to Waffle House for breakfast, which is another of our little Christmas traditions. That’s the last I’ve seen and heard from Jefé.”

 

The search for Linardo continued into Sunday after police found what they believe are human remains in the blast area.

 

“I am shocked that anyone would engage in such a dastardly and cowardly act against the greatest sports league in world history,” said NFFA Commissioner Bernie Sanders, who had been at the official residence in the Towers just two days before the bombing. “Let me say this: We will work tirelessly to bring those responsible to justice. They will wish they were dead.”

 

“Reap what you sow,” tweeted President Donald Trump, who was ousted from his ownership position of the Village Green two years ago. “Looks like SOMEBODY finally stood up to these suckers and Losers.”

 

The Cambridge Animals were quick to claim that JTA, one of the sons of team owner DTA, was responsible. Unlike his younger brothers Wilder and Zuma the Animal, JTA has not been directly involved with team operations. DTA did not suggest why he believed that his son had organized the bombing. Some observers suggested that JTA might have been attempting to create a distraction for league officials that could benefit the Animals in their attempt to overcome the so-called Curse of Brady and claim their second NFFA crown.

 

But investigators also had to look into multiple other claims of responsibility from parties known to harbor a hatred for the league. Trump’s tweet added to suspicions that the bombing had been organized by white supremacist groups such as the Proud Boys (the name with which Trump unsuccessfully attempted to rechristen the Green after he became majority owner). But sources in Russia also were claiming that Vladimir Putin was behind the attack, due to his long-standing grievances against Sharif and Linardo. “Remember,” said a source within the National Security Agency, “that Putin tried to poison Sharif, and that was after he thought his troops had killed SirQ in Ukraine. He hates Linardo and Biden for being close friends to Sharif, and apparently it really stuck in his craw that Sharif and Ded just held the wildest Bacchanal ever in Putin’s back yard” (this year’s event took place in Odessa, Ukraine).

 

“This is really a case of round up the usual suspects,” said the NSA official. “James Dobson and Focus on the Family once put out a fatwa on Sharif. Senator Marsha Blackburn and her acolytes once attacked a sacred site for the Bakers in Sevier Park. The North Koreans were involved in several anti-NFFA intrigues. A bomb attack like this has all the hallmarks of an action by the Southern Baptist Convention, who learned their craft from the IRA. Maybe someone wanted to punish the league because one of its franchise owners admits bringing the coronavirus into the US from China, and another owner put Covid-19 on his roster, and then another one gave him asylum at Club Gitmo. There’s no shortage of people out there who would love to bomb the NFFA. Hell, even one of the owners once tried to bomb the NFFA. We’re going to be very busy looking into potential suspects.”

 

On Saturday, however, a prime suspect emerged from a surprising corner: a Nashville neighborhood known as Bakertown. Neighbors reported seeing an RV fitting the description of the vehicle that contained the bomb in the driveway of Anthony Warner. The RV, along with Warner, was last seen at Warner’s home on Christmas Eve.

 

Then investigators began noticing an odd string of circumstances that connected to the London Bakers. First, Warner moved to Bakertown the year after the Bakers became one of the NFFA’s founding franchises; neighbors said that he once had a ceramic figure of the team’s mascot, Mr. TD, in his front yard. In addition, said a police spokesman, Warner’s middle initial was Q; was it just coincidence, the spokesman asked, that the Bakers’ owner is also named Q and that the team’s old Nashville headquarters was located on Avenue Q? Another bit of circumstantial evidence: Though it was not previously reported, the music that blared from the RV during the countdown to the explosion was Petula Clark’s “Downtown,” which is known to be a favorite of Baker fans, who have made it a tradition to stand and sing it together at the end of the third quarter of games at Wembley Stadium.

 

Online conspiracy theories, which received an airing on Fox News, suggested that the NFFA Tower was not the primary target. Theorists claimed that hundreds of Dominion voting machines were being analyzed in the AT&T Building across from the NFFA Tower; they further alleged that AT&T had won a secret contract to purge the machines of software that would indicate they had been used to carry out fraud in the recent presidential election — and that Sharif, who has claimed to be QAnon, ordered one of his minions to carry out a suicide bombing on behalf of his friend Biden so that it would appear that the NFFA was the actual target.

 

“I’m incredibly impressed by the way the conspiracy buffs have thought this out,” Mos Ded told Chris Wallace on Fox News Sunday. “But I can guarantee you nobody in the NFFA ever dreamed up anything like this, because if we had, we’d have already used it to blow up Fox News. You’re barking up the wrong tree house with Sir Q. And I think we all know why.”

 

Faced with the barrage of media speculation and police scrutiny, the usually loquacious Sharif refused to speak with reporters, referring all requests for comment to the law firm of Pisces, Aquarius, Capricorn & Jones, LLC.

 

“He’s lawyered up,” said one league official who requested anonymity on the grounds that she was not authorized to speak publicly. “That’s always the smart move in the NFFA. It’s going to get a lot hinkier before it gets better.”

ANIMALS' QUEST Cambridge must overcome Curse of Brady, winningest franchise for a second title

Can the Animals beat the Curse of Brady?

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

West Nashville Beelzebubbas owner Mos’ Ded was talking with a longtime league observer earlier in the week about the title game between the Cambridge Animals and the East Nashville Black Dogs. “There are two main storylines this weekend: whether the Black Dogs can win their fifth championship and whether the Animals can defeat the Curse of Brady to win their second,” Mos’ Ded said. “The Black Dogs have a much easier path.”

A trip to the league archives shed some light on the Curse of Brady which supposedly prevents any team from winning a championship with Tom Brady as its quarterback. The curse itself dates back to the second week of the 2011 season, but the bad blood behind the curse goes back much further, back to the 1960s when London Bakers owner QCurl Sharif and Cambridge owner Dave the Animal first met while living in a Kolkata orphanage. As it would turn out, that orphanage was the birthplace of one of the NFFA’s longest-running and fiercest rivalries, a rivalry that came to a boil on the night of the 2011 NFFA draft when the Bakers picked New England quarterback Tom Brady with the third pick in the first round.

As anyone who follows the NFFA even a little knows, both Sharif and DTA are notorious homers, with the Bakers drafting a lot of Tennessee Titans and the Animals drafting a lot of New England Patriots. When the Bakers selected Brady, DTA became enraged. Brady was supposed to be an Animal and had been the previous season when the team captured their second Jorge division title. But what would become known as the Bobber rule was passed during that 2010 campaign, limiting the number of consecutive seasons a player could be one of a team’s keeper players. With the introduction of the Bobber rule in 2011, all players returned to the draft pool which prevented the Animals from keeping Brady and enabled the Bakers to draft him.

When Brady went off for 72 points in the first week of the 2011 season and led the Bakers to a 63.5-point blowout of the Atlanta Smack Daddies, DTA simply couldn’t take it. Some would later say he lost his mind. But insane or not, prior to the second game, DTA put a curse on the Bakers which haunts them till this very day. "I made mother[expletive] Tom Brady," the Cambridge owner, a self-proclaimed fantasy quarterback guru, boasted at the time. "I wasn't about to have Q profit from my genius."

 

The second weekend of the season, the one immediately after DTA put the curse on the Bakers, Brady went for 60 and the Bakers scored 200 points, but incredibly they lost, becoming the first team in league history to score 200 and lose, as the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs scored 208.5. That would be the first of ten straight losses for the Bakers on their way to a 2-12 finish. 

Since 2011, the Bakers have not had a single winning season, although they have finished 7-7 four times in that stretch. That was good enough in three of those seasons to earn the team a trip to the playoffs, only to lose in the opening round.

But the curse that DTA unleashed in 2011 turned out to effect not only the Bakers. As Mos’ Ded noted, “Sometimes these curses take on a life of their own,” and that’s exactly what happened with the curse DTA put on the Bakes. There were a number of unintended consequences, including the spawning of two other curses involving the Animals and Mos’ Ded’s Beelzebubbas franchise, the Mother of All Curses and the Grandmother of All Curses.

But back to the Curse of Brady: one of the consequences DTA did not intend when he put the spell on the Bakers was that Brady himself would be accursed, but that’s exactly what happened, although it was not immediately apparent.

When Sharif realized the curse on the Bakers was “fo’ real,” as coach Snoop Dogg later put it, he appealed to Shiva to end the curse, but to no avail. So feeling he had no other choice, he dealt Brady to the Animals just before the start of the 2012 season in a six-player blockbuster trade which was the largest in league history in terms of number of players involved. According to news reports at the time, new Animals GM Wilder the Animal, DTA’s middle son, was the team’s point person on the deal.

Brady was the starting quarterback for the Animals from 2012-2014, a stretch in which the team posted disappointing records of 7-7, 4-10, and 6-8, and missed the playoffs all three seasons. Just before the trade deadline in 2014, DTA sent Brady to the Beelzebubbas for quarterback Drew Brees with the tacit understanding, at least in DTA’s mind, that the teams would reverse the trade and send the quarterbacks back to their previous teams prior to the 2015 season. When Mos’ Ded instead traded Brady and linebacker Paul Posluzny to the Bakers for quarterback Peyton Manning, DTA felt doubly betrayed. Feeling he really had no other choice, that the Beelzebubbas had asked for it, DTA unleashed the Mother of All Curses on the West Nashville franchise. Being from Texas, Mos’ Ded countered with and the Grandmother of All Curses.

Mos’ Ded was probably the first person (if you can call the ghost of a ghost a person) to notice that Brady himself was accursed, that no team had ever won an NFFA championship with Brady as their quarterback. “All of this stemmed from his feeling that somehow he’d been cheated out of the opportunity to get Tom Brady back on his team this year,” he told Al Jazeera America shortly after the conclusion of the 2015 season. “But look. He never made it to the championship game all those years when he had Brady. And this year he does it without him. Coincidence? Not when you consider that Brady really did nothing for the Bubbas during our stretch run last year, and then the Bakers had him and didn’t even make the playoffs. I know that Brady and DTA have a special relationship — some would say ‘extra special’ — but I think Dave missed the forest for the trees.”

Will the Curse of Brady remain undefeated? We'll find out this weekend. With the curse in their corner, oddsmakers see the Black Dogs as slight favorites to become the first franchise with five championship rings.

ONE FOR THE THUMB Black Dogs, Smack Daddies both in pursuit of a fifth NFFA ring

The Smack Daddies, Animals, Goats, and Black Dogs vie for the 2020 NFFA title.

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

When East Nashville travels to Atlanta this weekend for the opening round of the 2020 NFFA playoffs, it will be a clash of the two franchises tied for the most league titles with four apiece, and each one will be aiming to be the first to get to five. 

Combined, the Black Dogs and the Smack Daddies have won nearly half of the league championships, but it’s been awhile since either franchise hoisted the trophy with the Dogs getting their fourth ring in 2016 and the Daddies winning theirs in 2013.

On the other side of the championship playoff bracket, the Cambridge Animals host the Sylvan Goats, and the Animals will be looking for their second ring after winning their second consecutive Jorge division title, their fourth overall. The Goats will be seeking their first NFFA championship, although the franchise did win two titles as the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs in 2007 and 2009 when the team was owned by franchise founder, Triki Bobber.

Other playoff news and notes:

• The high-scoring Smack Daddies secured the number one seed for the second time in the last three seasons, but so far they have not turned that into a title. Their three championships in the playoff era all came as a wild-card team. (There were no playoffs in the NFFA’s first two seasons, 2002 and 2003. The playoff era began in 2004.)

• With their fourteenth playoff appearance in the seventeen-year playoff era, the Black Dogs extended their league record for most playoff appearances.

• The Animals, who won their only title in 2015, are making back-to-back appearances in the playoffs for the first time in franchise history. 

• Goats owner Bronko Nagurski became the first owner in league history to make the playoffs in the first two seasons of ownership.

• When the Village Green knocked the Buena Vista Ballers out of playoff contention last weekend, it ended the Baller’s eight-year streak of making the playoffs.

PERFECT SEASON FOR DADDIES? Georgia officials demand hand recount of NFFA scores

Georgia governor Brian Kemp speaking Wednesday morning about the hand recount he's ordered of the scores of all games involving the Atlanta Smack Daddies.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

Did the 2020 Atlanta Smack Daddies become only the second team in NFFA history to record a perfect season? Unquestionably, say team officials, and their contention now has the backing of a bipartisan group of leaders in Georgia.

“The Daddies are 14-0, it’s not in question and it’s not even close,” said Governor Brian Kemp at a press conference Wednesday morning. “The official record says 12-2, but the official record is a product of fraud, aided by vote tabulation machines built by Hugo Chavez and Donald Trump.” Kemp was flanked by Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger and Stacey Abrams. Smack Daddies VP of Community Affairs Alge Crumpler, standing next to Abrams, nodded approvingly as Kemp spoke.

The governor said that he and Raffensperger have ordered an official, hand recount of the scores of all games this season played in Georgia or involving an NFFA team based in Georgia. The Smack Daddies are the only Georgia-based team in the league.

After his formal statement, Kemp took several questions from reporters, one of whom pointed out that the official score in the Smack Daddies’ two losses involved margins of defeat of more than 30 points each. “Here’s what I know,” Kemp replied. “When I went to bed on Sunday night, when [Smack Daddies owner] Lex Dominica went to bed, the Daddies were ahead by a mile. And then somehow they’re behind when we wake up? And their opponents are known purveyors of fraud like the Animals and communistic university radicals who openly use Satanic symbols like the Goats? This league even has an owner named Q who is at the heart of so many Deep State plots. Isn’t it obvious what is going on here?”

In Nashville, protestors wearing Smack Daddies’ “I’d Hit It” sombreros gathered in front of the NFFA Tower chanting “Stop the Steal” and “Hey, hey, NFFA, No Fraud Football Allowed today!”

League commissioner Bernie Sanders could not be reached for comment.

BREAKING: Ballers to challenge NFFA 2020 season *note: updates previously leaked story

The Ballers' legal team: Alice D. Tripp (undated photo), Sydney Powell, Bill Barr

By Soren Bernyn
FSN

Well, it wouldn't be another NFFA season without another whiny, frivolous lawsuit from a sore loser...

True to form, the Buena Vista Ballers have secured the services of attorney Alice D. Tripp to challenge the results of the 2020 season - Tripp's statement to the media alleges "widespread fraud, collusion, cheating and - in the instance of Village Green owner Dave Goodrow - buggery, fornication and pornography." She was able to produce evidence only of the last charge.

She is joined in her efforts by disgraced litigator Sydney Powell, who has intimated that there could be an alien influence at work. To cap it all off, the legal team will also include soon-to-be-former US Attorney General William Barr, who shrugged and said of the move: "meh, I got nothin' else going on: why not?" Tripp and Powell have already filed an injunction preventing Judge Naomi Morningstar from presiding; legal scholars predict that last season's lawsuits against the Ballers will have to be fully adjudicated first (by Judge Morningstar, ironically).

Reached in Cabo, Ballers' coach Mystery Mike Tyson said "Mojo D has got to learn to let that shit go - humiliation is a very freeing experience, and he needs to lean into it." Asked to clarify, Mystery Mike added: "swept by the Bakers, man: there is nothing more humiliating, except losing a playoff berth in the last game of the season to the worst team in the league. Yeah, Mojo done lost his mojo - time to move on."

Stay tuned: NFFA lawyers are just warming up...

JORGE CROWN, WILD CARD SPOT STILL UP FOR GRABS Four teams remain in contention

The Cambridge Animals brain trust (L-R: WTA, ZTA, DTA) hopes to make it back-to-back Jorge division titles with a win at home this weekend over the London Bakers. 

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

NASHVEGAS—As the NFFA enters the final weekend of the regular season, half the playoff picture is clear, but the other half is a mad scramble.

What we know for certain is the 11-2 Atlanta Smack Daddies are the champions of the Linardo division and have secured the number one seed. If the Daddies defeat the Sylvan Goats this weekend, they will tie the 2007 East Nashville Black Dogs for the second-best regular season record in league history at 12-2. (The 2008 Black Dogs own the best regular season record with a perfect 14-0 campaign.)

The Goats (8-5) also are headed to the playoffs as one of the wild card teams. Regardless of the outcome of their game with the Daddies, they will be the number three seed and face the winner of the Jorge division.

Now this is where things get murky. Currently, the 7-6 Cambridge Animals are leading the Jorge division by a game over the 6-7 London Bakers and the 6-7 Black Dogs. The Buena Vista Ballers are also 6-7 and in contention for the final wild card spot. The 3-10 Village Green and the 5-8 West Nashville Beelzebubbas have both been eliminated from playoff contention, and the Green have clinched the first pick in the 2021 draft, winning what some have dubbed the “Patrick Mahomes Lottery.”

Here are the various scenarios for the final two spots:

The Animals control their own destiny: if they are victorious against the Bakers this weekend, they will finish 8-6, win the Jorge division title, and nail down the number two seed. If the Animals lose to the Bakers, they will be tied with the Bakers at 7-7. If the Black Dogs defeat the Beelzebubbas this weekend, they will also be 7-7 resulting in a three-way tie at the top of the Jorge division. With their head-to-head records being identical, the Black Dogs would be awarded the division crown by virtue of winning the second tiebreaker, which is record within the division, and theirs would be better than either the Animals’ or the Bakers’ division record. If the Animals lose to the Bakers and the Dogs lose to the ’Bubbas, the Animals will win the division by virtue of having a better record within the division than the Bakers.

With their loss to the ’Bubbas last weekend, the Bakers were eliminated from the race for the Jorge division crown, but like the Animals, they control their own destiny: if they win this weekend, they will clinch a wild card playoff berth and be the number four seed based on tiebreakers. If they lose to the Animals, the Bakers will be eliminated from playoff contention.

Unlike the Animals and Bakers, the Black Dogs do not control their own destiny. To have any chance at all, they have to beat the Beelzebubbas this weekend. If they do that, and the Bakers also beat the Animals, the Dogs as previously mentioned would win the Jorge title by virtue of having a better record than either the Animals or Bakers within the division. If the Bakers lose, the Black Dogs can earn the final wild card berth and number four seed with a win and a loss by the Ballers.

The Ballers hope to land the final wild card berth and number four seed, but they need to not only win their game against the Green, but they need the Animals to defeat the Bakers. If the Animals lose, the Ballers are eliminated. If the both the Ballers and Animals win, the Ballers will get the final playoff berth regardless of the outcome of the Black Dogs and ’Bubbas game. The Ballers can still make the playoffs even with a loss, if the Bakers and Black Dogs also both lose.

When the dust finally settles, whichever team earns the final wild card spot will have the unpleasant task of facing the high-flying Smack Daddies in the opening round of the playoffs.

SMACK DADDIES LOSE, 2008 DOGS CELEBRATE

Maurice Jones-Drew appeared on the NFFA Network Wednesday morning to discuss the 2008 East Nashville Black Dogs' undefeated season.

By R.E. Porter 
Associated Web Press

As they had for eleven seasons previously, members of the undefeated 2008 East Nashville Black Dogs gathered Monday evening to celebrate the last undefeated team losing. For the second straight night, members of the team assembled in the McMahonistan room at Club Gitmo to watch the Sylvan Goats’ take down of the 6-0 Atlanta Smack Daddies.

As he had on Sunday evening, Jim McMahon, the winningest coach in NFFA history who guided that 2008 team to a perfect season, played host to the gathering, and the champagne and green caviar flowed freely. A large contingent of 2008 Black Dogs were on hand, including Greg Jennings, Chris Johnson, Tony Romo, Frank Gore, John Abraham, Patrick Willis, Brian Urlacher, Jared Allen, Maurice Jones-Drew, Ronnie Brown, Matt Ryan, Matt Shaub, Matt Cassel, Josh Wilson, Leodis McKelvin, Ted Ginn Jr., and Lendale White. 

In an appearance on the NFFA Network Wednesday morning, Jones-Drew said, “To be honest, we kind of thought the Daddies might be able to go undefeated, so it was good to end the suspense this early in the season.”

As the final seconds ticked down on Monday Night Football and the Goats’ victory, word spread to the other sub-levels at Club Gitmo that drinks were on McMahon. It was at that point that things started to get a little crazy.

“What a [expletive] mess,” Ballers owner Mojo D, who has been staying at Club Gitmo, said, describing the scene he encountered the following morning. “The club was littered with champagne bottles and condoms and N-95 masks after the 2008 Dogs came through here last night. I found Patrick Willis asleep in one of the bathrooms.” For the record, when reached for comment, Willis said he wasn't asleep, he was just resting his eyes.

When the AWP asked McMahon about the party, he said, “What party? Was it somebody's birthday?” When he was reminded that the partygoers were celebrating his 2008 team's perfect season and the Daddies’ loss, McMahon said, “Oh, right. That freaking rocks.”

When word of the party reached Smack Daddies’ owner Lex Dominica, he said with sarcasm dripping, “It's nice to know someone is throwing parties in our honor. We are humbled.”

Reflecting on the fact the 2008 East Nashville team will stand as the only undefeated team in NFFA history for at least one more season, Jones-Drew said, “As the years go by, what we accomplished seems more and more amazing to me. In the moment twelve years ago, we were just taking it one game at a time, but looking back on it now, we know we were blessed to be part of such a magical season, and it's something we will always cherish.”

DTA WANTED BY POLICE IN POINT-SHAVING SCANDAL

DTA (shown above with Chuck D) is wanted by police for bribery and point shaving 

By Dixie Normus

United Web Press International

An arrest warrant has been issued for Cambridge Animals owner Dave the Animal by the Boston police department for allegedly bribing ELIAS Deputy Chief of Statistics, John Cocktosten. Buena Vista owner Mojo D and Sylvan owner Bronko Nagurski have also been identified as persons of interest.

Closed circuit video cameras captured DTA handing Cocktosten a large sum of cash and a pound of ball bearings early Wednesday morning outside Blarney's pub in Cambridge. A police department’s source said according to lip-reading specialists who viewed the footage, DTA told Cocktosten, “That fuckin' Derrick Henry picked up eight points with four minutes left to play, and I got beat. Find me two points before the game is official — I need this win.”   

According to the source, Cocktosten said in a signed statement to the police, “Early Thursday morning, I deducted two points, one point from (Green) linebacker Fred Warner and added one point to the score of (Animals) defensive lineman Brandon Graham. The changes were legit, and I already knew about them when DTA approached me. I figured he’s rich, why not take his money. What’s ten grand to someone like him.” He went on to say he “deeply” regretted his actions. Cocktosten has since tendered his resignation to EILIAS. 

Ironically, even with the changes, the Animals still lost by a tenth of a point. DTA was never good at math. When the Boston police informed NFFA commissioner Bernie Sanders of the charges against DTA, the Nashvegas Fantasy football Association had its first ever suspension of official scoring while all the changes were double-checked.   

Late Friday afternoon, Commissioner Sanders released a brief statement: “We have video footage showing what appears to be a cash bribe put forth by Dave the Animal, owner of the Cambridge Animals, to one of ELIAS's main point calculators, a Mr. John Cocktosten. DTA is now under investigation for conspiracy to shave points. The scores and standings in both leagues are official.  

“We are also investigating at this time Mr. Bronko Nagurski, owner of the Sylvan Goats, and Mr. Mojo D, owner of the Buena Vista Ballers, after we received an encrypted zoom video session that appears to show DTA having discussions with these team owners. It appears that the three of them would have been interested in an Animals win and a Green loss. We wish to thank West Nashville Beelzebubbas owner for sending us the zoom recording.”

At the time of this writing, the police had not been able to locate DTA. More on this as the story develops.

EAST SIDE SHUFFLE Black Dogs name Joe Montana head coach, Rex Ryan promoted to GM

Joe Montana was named the seventh head coach in Black Dogs history on Friday.

By R.E. Porter 
Associated Web Press

In what can be best described as a Friday evening news dump, East Nashville owner Bill Money announced a number of key personnel moves in a press release emailed to media outlets late Friday afternoon. 

It will be no surprise to many that Rex Ryan is out as the Black Dogs head coach and new offensive coordinator Joe Montana is in. What is surprising is Money named Ryan as the team's GM, replacing his daughter Maris "Mo" Money. As Money himself explained in the press release, he “wanted to see if he could catch lightning in a bottle twice.” 

“Fifteen or so years ago, our head coach became the team's GM and a former Super Bowl-winning quarterback became the team's head coach,” Money said. “The result was a string of successes that have made this the winningest franchise in NFFA history with four championships including a perfect 16-0 season in 2008 and twelve division titles over the past fifteen seasons. The name of that GM was Buddy Ryan, Rex's father, and the head coach of course was Jim McMahon. 

“Needless to say, this is a franchise unaccustomed to losing four games in a row at any point in the season, much less at the beginning. I spoke with Rex about it, told him I thought I needed to make a change, but I wanted him to take over as GM. It took a little persuading, but he has agreed to continue in that role with Joe taking over as head coach. Mo will become vice president of league relations and will be the team's liaison to new commissioner Sanders.”

A source inside the Black Dogs organization who spoke on condition of anonymity told AWP that the final straw for the owner came when Ryan overruled Montana last weekend on starting running back Joe Mixon, who totaled nearly 40 points. Montana liked Mixon's matchup, but Ryan thought he had been dogging it.

The source went on to say that Mo Money was furious about being replaced as GM and her new position may be the first step toward her replacing Meadow Soprano as assistant commissioner.

Rex's brother Rob remains with the team as defensive coordinator. More on this story as it develops.

COVID-19 GETS GITMO ASYLUM Ex-Bakers WR will share quarters with Mojo D for now

Ballers owner Mojo D (left) has been reunited at Club Gitmo with former Bakers WR Covid-19 (right), who traveled with Mojo D from China to the U.S. earlier this year.   

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

Covid-19, the troubled wide receiver cut by the London Bakers before the beginning of the NFFA season, has been granted asylum at Club Gitmo, FSN has learned.

“No. 19,” as he was known in the Bakers’ organization, had been in hiding ever since President and sworn enemy of the Bakers Donald Trump tested positive last week for the novel coronavirus. “We determined that No. 19 had received numerous, credible death threats from right-wing extremists and militia groups, urged on by commentators from Fox News,” said Boutros-Boutros Bouti from the office of the UN High Commissioner on Refugees. “That is why the UN reached out.”

According to sources within the US intelligence community, Covid also was being targeted by Russian strongman Vladimir Putin because of his association with the Bakers. Intelligence officials have long believed that Putin was behind an unsuccessful attempt two years ago to poison Sir QCurl Sharif, owner of the Bakers and Britain’s unofficial ambassador to the NFFA, with deadly polonium.

Maryjane Livingood of the West Nashville Beelzebubbas organization confirmed that Covid-19 had been granted temporary asylum at the team’s Club Gitmo headquarters. “Accommodations are a little tight right now, but we were able to bunk Covid with Mojo D, who also has received asylum here, until our newest expansion project is complete,” Livingood said. “Dr. Linardo has always encouraged us to be an oasis of freedom, and we take that mission seriously.”

It is unknown how Covid was able to reach asylum safely, but rumors swirled in both Washington and NashVegas that a National Security Agency team under command of General George Washington Leonard helped smuggle him to Club Gitmo from a hideout at Acoma Sky Pueblo in New Mexico.

Sharif, Livingood noted, had called Dr. Linardo personally to thank him for granting asylum to Covid-19 and played an audiotape of the conversation for a reporter. “That poor kid’s been through hell,” Sharif said on the call, “mostly just because he happened to have been a Baker and an anti-vaxxer. Thank God the Deep State and Club Gitmo are around to do the Lord’s work.”

FSN will update this developing story.

JOE COOL TO THE RESCUE Rex Ryan announces Joe Montana as Black Dogs' new offensive coordinator

Joe Montana has agreed to become East Nashville's offensive coordinator.

By R.E. Porter 
Associated Web Press 

At a Zoom press conference earlier today, East Nashville head coach Rex Ryan announced he has hired hall of fame quarterback Joe Montana as the Black Dogs' new offensive coordinator.

“I am thrilled to announce that the legendary Joe Montana will be joining our staff as the new offensive coordinator,” Ryan told the members of the media who were participating on the Zoom call. “He's already talked with both our quarterbacks by phone and is traveling to Nashvegas today. That’s why he wasn’t able to join us.

“It’s no secret we need to score more points," he continued. “The Smack Daddies have raised the bar another notch when it comes to offense, and we think Joe can help us catch up.”

The announcement came as Ryan and his brother, Rob, who is the team's defensive coordinator, are under fire not only for the Black Dogs' 0-3 start, but also because of a video released yesterday by TMZ Sports that showed the brothers roughing up a Buena Vista fan at a downtown restaurant. 

Veteran NFFA reporter Woody Larry asked the head coach if the Montana announcement was really just to distract attention from questions about the video. “First of all, Woody, that video of the discussion Rob and I had with that little Baller bitch has nothing to do with it. We're 0 and 3, and we aren't scoring enough points to win. We think Joe can help us with that. It's not fucking rocket science.”

Sources inside the Black Dogs organization told AWP there was a lot of yelling and door slamming at team headquarters earlier this morning. Team owner and former longtime commissioner Bill Money was on the premises, which is a rarity these days. Rumors were flying that the Ryan brothers were going to get the axe, that new commissioner Bernie Sanders was threatening to fine the Ryans and the team over the video broadcast by TMZ Sports, and that even the Money sisters, team president Cash and general manager Mo, might get fired by their father. 

Rumors are already swirling that bringing in Montana as offensive coordinator is just the first step toward him taking over as the team's head coach. AWP will have more on this story as it develops.

RYAN BROTHERS INVOLVED IN FIGHT ON LOWER BROAD

 

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

TMZ Sports has released video of a fight at a venue somewhere on Lower Broad in Nashvegas earlier today involving East Nashville head coach Rex Ryan and his brother/defensive coordinator Rob Ryan. 

According to an employee at the venue, the coaches took exception to something a Buena Vista Ballers fan said. “It all happened pretty quickly,” said the employee, who asked to remain unnamed in part because the employer wasn't enforcing the mask mandate. “The Ballers fan said pretty loudly that he thought the Black Dogs are gonna lose by 40 or 50 points tonight, at which point the Ryan brother with the long hair, I get those guys mixed up, pushed the dude, and the brother with the short hair stood up and said something to the Ballers fan that I didn't quite catch; I think it was something about his punk ass. Then he threw a margarita on him. And that was a Morning Glory,™ so it wasn't cheap. Of course, since the Ryan brothers are in here all the time, the management had the Ballers fan and his friend removed.”

Neither the Ryan Brothers nor the Black Dogs organization have responded to inquiries from the AWP regarding the encounter.  More on this breaking story as it develops.

IRON MIKE STORMS OUT OF BALLERS' WATCH PARTY, DELEGATES NEW COACH

New Ballers coach "Mystery" Mike Tyson says "I'm ready for the challenge"

By Søren Bernyn
Fantasy Sports Network

After an epic lineup failure led to the team's ignominious loss to the Cambridge Animals in Week 2, new Buena Vista Ballers coach Iron Mike Tyson stormed out of the team's watch party at Club Gitmo's Bitcoin Bunker.

On his way out, he stopped briefly to vent on "the joke that is Mojo D -- I'm trying to coach using data and strategy, and he comes around and changes the lineup with shit like 'high upside' and 'play the matchup.' It's a wonder the team keeps going to the playoffs: those other teams must have really sucked."

The Champ continued: "He treats me like it's a f*cking joke, so I'm delegating coaching duties to my animated alter-ego, 'Mystery' Mike Tyson (from the critically acclaimed Adult Swim series Mike Tyson Mysteries)." He stepped into his Bugatti Veyron and sped off, leaving the Ballers' faithful gob-smacked and wondering what will happen with their team this season - after predicting a repeat championship in 2020, the team has slipped to 0-2 and now has a cartoon coach.

Some wags commented that Mojo D has always been a cartoon character, so this is not too different. To this reporter's knowledge, the NFFA has never had an animated cartoon-character coach, but this is 2020, and nothing is off the table.

Stay tuned to this breaking story...

DTA ADMITS TO POSING AS HUMAN Cambridge owner fired by Trump ‘with extreme prejudice’

There's always been something a little different about Dave the Animal, immortalized above in the logo for the third annual Bacchanal to the Future.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

In a startling development that sent shock waves throughout the NFFA and beyond, Cambridge Animals owner and university professor Dave the Animal admitted Monday morning that he is not fully human.

DTA’s stunning admission came via a series of tweets, all written in verse. The first one reads: “In a time of racial reckoning / The truth is out there, beckoning. / I can no longer hold it back / Many human genes I lack.”

DTA went on to admit that he had kept the secret even from his own children, Wilder the Animal and Zuma the Animal, and from Sir QCurl Sharif, who was raised alongside him during part of their childhood in an orphanage in Kolkata, India.

“I’ve been living a lie / but you’re bound to know why,” began another tweet in the series. “My conscience begged with me / To reclaim my integrity.”

The admission had immediate repercussions politically. Within the hour, President Donald Trump announced that he was firing DTA from his position as “drug czar” heading up the administration’s Covid-19 task force. “Lying is unacceptable,” Trump tweeted. “When I heard about it, I said terminate the SOB. Terminate WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE!”

Later, at a hastily called White House news conference, Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany said, “Mr. Animal really made the decision for the president when he fraudulently passed himself off as a white male to claim white privilege that never was his. Last time we checked, there’s a reason it’s called WHITE privilege. By definition, it applies only to white people, not non-white non-people.”

Controversy also erupted on the campus of Fairly Ridiculous University, where DTA holds endowed professorships in Poetry and Pharmacological Philosophy. By Monday afternoon, the Union of Concerned Graduate Students was calling on the university to strip DTA of his tenured status. “This is really about irrevocable erosion of trust,” said Heather Heatherton, president of the FRU chapter of the UCGS. “With so many white people trying to pass themselves off as Black as a way of engendering sympathy and trying to conceal their privilege, if you were one of those white people, what a clever strategy it would be to claim you lied about being human so you could then lie about being non-human and then engage in all kinds of cultural appropriation in your work. Isn’t it obvious what Professor DTA is doing? If the houndstooth jacket with elbow patches was a lie, then everything is a lie. Students looked up to him because he said he travelled here from the future to tell us that everyone in the future was gay. Now our faith in the future is diminished, and we are bereft.”

FSN has learned that DTA’s revelation came in the wake of an as-yet-unaired episode of “Finding Your Roots,” the PBS program hosted by longtime Animals fan Henry Louis Gates in which historians and genealogists research the ancestry of famous personages. According to two sources within PBS, who requested anonymity because they were not authorized to speak on the matter, a routine analysis of DTA’s DNA revealed only a 92% match with the genome of homo sapiens. “He’s not just post-racial like he has always claimed,” one source said; “he’s actually post-human. You might say that Dave the Animal really is Dave, the animal.”

SADDAM RELEASES 2020 BETTING ODDS ‘Still year of the Baker,’ says Gitmo Sports Book

2020 championship odds from the Club Gitmo Sports Book.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

The Club Gitmo Sports Book on Thursday afternoon made it much-anticipated release of NFFA season odds, hours ahead of the first kickoff, and just as Sports Book Manager Saddam Hussein hinted last week, the London Bakers are prohibitive favorites to take home their first Dead Lombardi Trophy.

Analysts set odds for the Bakers at 1:2 — stark contrast from some years when Coach Snoop Dogg’s team has been as much as 1000-to-1 underdogs. “It’s the year of the Baker,” Hussein said, “and not just for sentimental reasons. They’ve got two of the top three RBs, a spiritually cleansed Drew Brees, plus the three J’s: JJ, JuJu and Jonnu. On top of that, the pandemic means the league is in uncharted waters this season. The Bakers swim in uncharted waters every year, so they have a big advantage in experience over the competition.”

Oddsmakers also gave excellent chances this year to the East Nashville Black Dogs, Atlanta Smack Daddies and Village Green, setting odds for the Dogs and Daddies at 3-to-1 and for the Green at 5-to-1.

Odds and Hussein’s comments for each team:

Black Dogs (3-to-1): “They moved up from 4-to-1 after stealing Miles Sanders and Frank Clark from the Patriot-addled Animals. The went from a strong team to strong contender. The only question is whether the Ryan Brothers can make it through a season together without killing someone, possibly each other.”

Smack Daddies (3-to-1): “The Mahome-boys are going to light it up again. Coach Lex Dominica has a ton of lethal weapons, and nobody loves lethal weapons more than me.”

Village Green (5-to-1): “With some players in new situations this year, there are a few question marks with this team, but Coach Stuart Smalley has quietly emerged as one of the best in the league, and the beating he put on Mike Ditka at a protest showed he has a real fire this year.”

West Nashville Beelzebubbas (6-to-1): “If Matt Ryan, Ben Roethlisberger or Jared Goff have a strong year, this team will be right in the mix at the end. They’ve got the RBs, and Coach Barry Switzer loves the run.”

Cambridge Animals (15-to-1): “We had them at 6-to-1 before their toxic brand Patriot-ism led them to trade Miles Sanders. When you add in the curse of Brady, it’s really a tribute to the rest of the team that the odds aren’t longer.”

Sylvan Goats (25-to-1): “The team that Suzy Fine and Beyoncé built got to the championship game, but the big stars from last year are gone, Mike Ditka isn’t the half the woman that they are.”

Buena Vista Ballers (no line): “Curse of the champion is still undefeated. And like I always said, if you want to be the man, you’ve got to beat the man.”