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| Dave the Animal speaking at NFFA Media Days. |
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN News
Starting Day Two of NFFA Media Days with a jolt, Cambridge Animals owner Dave the Animal announced that a celebration was underway on what he called “Animal Planet” after his team repeated as champions in 2021. “I should have given you a spoiler alert,” he told reporters, “but the season we’re about to begin was too exciting to keep the results to ourselves.
“No team in the history of this league has done what we’ve just done, but we already knew the result because I learned of it on my journey here from the future. To all the haters and doubters still out there, I would say, ‘Since you’re all going to die sooner or later, why waste precious time hating and doubting? Why not just surrender to the Animals’ awesome awesomeness and enjoy the ride?’”
When reporter Woody Larry asked why the NFFA should bother holding a season if the Animals had already won, DTA quickly replied: “Before I go any further, let me congratulate my fellow owners — aka ‘the losers’ — on another hard-fought campaign. By golly they tried. I know it may seem anticlimactic to reveal the result now, but could anyone truthfully say they were surprised? Also, I think it will be important for them to go through each week of the season, even knowing in advance how it ends, because losing can be a great teacher, and why should they be deprived of such a learning experience on their way toward ultimate acceptance?”
With that, DTA devoted the rest of his session to what he called “the breakthrough of our age,” announcing that Methlon was seeking FDA approval for a new Covid vaccine that would provide lifetime protection against the virus. According to DTA, the development of the vaccine came about through face-to-face negotiations with Covid-19 over a period of months. “As you may recall,” he said, “when I was on President Trump’s Covid task force I recommended that we talk to the virus to find out what it wanted. Though some scoffers scoffed, I continued those talks after I left the administration.
“As it turns out, Covid likes meth. And, as it also turns out, who is better positioned to meet Covid’s demands than Methlon, Inc.? So our entire science team has been focused on creating this new meth-based vaccine, which contains just enough time-released methamphetamine to keep Covid satisfied but not enough to make any recipients’ teeth fall out or cause any side effects other than addiction to a life-saving medication.”
As DTA subsequently explained, the vaccine’s other major breakthrough is that the initial dose, injected intravenously, contains a microchip that allows Methlon to track the recipient’s location. That capability is crucial, he said, so that the company can reliably deliver its hybrid formula, which will be marketed under the trade name Crystal Blue Persuasion (CBP), to the population. One of the compelling features of the drug, he added, is that the meth delivery platform will dramatically increase adoption among rural populations that so far have resisted receiving other vaccines.
“There’s an awful lot of misinformation out there,” DTA said. “Fauci has been telling people that nobody is going to put microchips in them — that nobody could do it even if they tried — and that’s just not true. Based on our clinical trials, we think the market isn’t going to be hard to ‘persuade,’ especially once they find out that CBP is covered by their insurance.”
After DTA’s appearance, two unscheduled guests strode to the podium — the Curse of the Champion, accompanied by a haggard-looking Curse of Brady. “Last year was a tough one for curses, and for me personally,” Curse of Brady began. “Covid hit me, and I was on a ventilator for weeks, but I don’t offer that as an excuse. The Animals shouldn’t have been able to win a title with Tom Brady, and I feel like I let everyone down. That’s why this year I’m adding a side-curse to my workload against the owner who brought Covid over here: Mojo D.”
Before reporters could ask any questions, Curse of the Champion took over the microphone. “I didn’t let anybody down last year,” he said, “and I’m gettin’ it done in 2021. Let’s get that straight. It may be true that DTA has seen the future, but what he forgot to mention is that he was hallucinating on peyote when he saw it. In 20 years, I’m still undefeated. The one and only. I told him in the hall just now that if he wants to change that, he will have to offer his son Zuma to me as a sacrifice.
“He said, ‘Would you take Wilder instead?’” and I said, ‘The curse don’t negotiate.’ So he said he’d think about it, but for now the road to the championship still runs through me. I’m out.”
And with that, the Curses left.
Scheduled for Day Three: Village Green and the Displaced Ballers.
