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| According to The Curse of the Champion, Job complained less about his afflictions than Ballers owner Mojo D. |
By Ariel-Mutha Tafoya
FSN Sports
In an exclusive, free-wheeling interview recorded early Tuesday, The Curse of the Champion, bane of NFFA title winners for more than 20 years, addressed a range of questions, from the misfortunes of the winless 2023 Ballers to the succession battle taking place within the Animals organization and the morality of the marketplace.
The normally reclusive Curse (they/them) has never before agreed to an interview, although they did make a brief, unscheduled appearance during last year’s NFFA Media Days. “It was time,” The Curse said. “In this league we operate like gravity, a force that, while unseen, is both real and universally accepted by the owners who are in thrall to our benevolent rule. But [Ballers owner] Mojo D has put us in so bright a spotlight this year that we judged that it might be a good time for a theodicy, so our subjects have a little more insight into how this world works.”
As an example, The Curse cited the biblical book of Job, the story of a righteous man who insisted that God explain why he had suffered a series of calamities. “In the end,” they said, “God shows up and speaks to Job. So that’s a little of what I’m doing here. I’m showing them, ‘This is the way.’”
“Are you comparing Mojo D to Job?” The Curse was asked.
“I’m sure in his mind he is Job. Let us just say: We’ve been around a while, in various forms, and we can tell you Job didn’t kvetch half as much about being cursed as Mojo D. He has barely suffered compared to some teams in this league. How would you like to go through life as an Alamo Scout? The Daddies have had to bear the Dominica curse as well as the Curse of the Champion. Freddy Brown is cursed with being a chaplain. QCurl Sharif has endured five assassination attempts, a murdered mascot, two murdered franchise players and a fatwa—none of which can be blamed on The Curse, by the way. So let’s keep shit in perspective when we talk about suffering. Mojo D is certainly the wokest owner in the NFFA, if you want to compare that to the righteousness of Job. But, really, none of this is about righteousness. He won a title. That’s it. The Curse falls on the just and the unjust.”
The question was put to The Curse: “So what would you say to Mojo D?”
“Well,” they replied, “we’re always a bit leery about disclosing sources and methods. Let us just say that we get a lot of credit for shit that we don’t actually do. Once owners accept the power and immutability of the Curse—the reality that we own the owners—it gets pretty easy. We live in their head, and they do most of the work for us. This year, really, it’s way more Mojo D than me.”
“What do you mean?” The Curse was asked.
“Did we make him bench Brock Purdy and Joe Burrow last week?” they shot back. “Hell no. That was all him. But we get the credit.
“It’s like a python,” they elaborated. “The more that teams struggle against The Curse, the tighter The Curse grips them. The exertion mostly comes from them. And we just get to be large and in charge.”
“But Mojo D has acknowledged The Curse’s power from the start and said he knew he was destined to lose this season.”
“Of course he’s going to lose,” The Curse replied. “But there’s losing, and then there’s losing. The Curse stipulates only that a champion cannot repeat. They can make it all the way back to the NFFA championship game. They could even have a perfect season up until the championship game. But they can’t win the championship.
“Go back to what we said about the struggle. Of all the owners, Mojo D thinks about winning and strategy the most. He’s why the league established the 160-hour rule, after all. The Curse reflects all that energy back against him. So his team is going to suffer much worse than, say, the Beelzebubbas and Animals, who traditionally never spend more than five minutes a week on roster management and game planning. And with Goodrow, it’s maybe five minutes a month, if you’re excluding the time he’s drunk or high.”
“Speaking of the Animals,” the interviewer interjected, “could you comment on DTA’s statement last year that he will sacrifice his sons Wilder and Zuma to you in the future in return for a championship?”
“Well, as you know,” The Curse responded, “unlike DTA, who is traveling backward through time, we do not know what the future holds other than which team will NOT win a championship in each upcoming season. It is true that we expressed an interest in Zuma last year. Have you seen that kid? He’s going to be a monster. Beyond his symbolic value, we think there is an important place for him in our Enforcement Division. If we somehow get Wilder, too, I guess he’s like the ‘player to be named later’ in a baseball trade. Maybe he can be my driver or makes runs to 7-11 for cigarettes.
“And let’s be real: For now we can only take DTA’s word for it that he gave up Zuma and Wilder, since that all lies ahead in what he calls ‘the days of future past.’ He also says that in the future everyone will be gay. We think that’s probably true, but we still have to consider that we’re being asked to rely on the word of a monopoly capitalist drug lord. And anti-monopolism is a lot of what The Curse is all about.
“We also find out there’s another son, Doc the Animal, and on top of that there’s a son DTA didn’t even know about, Pinklon. So we’re probably going to have to revisit any deal structure. It smells like DTA may be trying to pull something over on us. He may have been able to negotiate with Covid-19, but you do NOT negotiate with The Curse.”
“Can you elaborate,” The Curse was asked, “on your statement about capitalism?”
“Of course. Unregulated capitalism tends toward monopoly power, and monopolies are immoral. The Curse is a powerful check against monopoly power. We ensure that no team can become a dynasty that chokes off the opportunity for others to grow. Much more than the mild corrective of the worst-to-first draft order, we are the great leveling influence. We are the invisible hand that regulates this marketplace. We are the Intelligent Designer of this creation. And while we prefer not to boast unless we are put in a position where we can no longer avoid it, we are a key reason why the NFFA has become the greatest sports league of all time.”
As the interview concluded, there came one final question: “Does The Curse have residual effects beyond one season?”
“The official duration of The Curse is one year,” they replied. “But the effects can—and have—endured with some teams, based on how they embraced The Curse during its term. To varying degrees, The Curse has affected every franchise in this league, with the exception, of course, of the London Bakers.”
