FOREBODING INFORMATION RECEIVED FROM ANIMALS

Have we seen the last of DTA? 

The Associated Web Press received the following information from a source within the Cambridge Animals organization yesterday. Its authenticity has been confirmed.

Unable to bear the humiliation of defeat, DTA has begun construction of a pyramid next to his Cambridge, Massachusetts compound where he and Nancy will hoard their empire's vast possessions, lie together one last time, and set off a holy conflagration that will, he says, “Blaze up into the heavens for all eternity, because it will be fueled by some fifty thousand tons of fine crack cocaine and crystal.”

In a statement read by the ghost of Garrett Morris for the benefit of the Linardos, DTA says, “All of my life has been modeled upon that other great world leader and female impersonator Cleopatra VII, and so shall be my death.” 

He will of course be followed in death by his entire, devoted “Staff of Ten Thousand”:  Animal Spokesperson (G.O.) Leon Spinks, Animal Consort and Head Coach Joe Willie Namath, Team Plaything Lance Alworth, various exotic animals, along with all the other mulleted redneck freaks who've helped him build his empire in garages and feed stores across this great land of ours.

In honor of his own mixed heritage and in light of the Michael Vick tragedy, he has humbly requested that all the Southern NFFA owners free their slaves at once, “and if any of those owners have loved DTA enough to allow those slaves to beat them to death with cats, so be it: their remains may then rest for all time alongside mine and Nancy's, assuming of course that Nancy actually burns, which is in some doubt.”  

— Spinks, Ghost of

CAN ANYONE STOP THE ANIMALS' AWESOME AWESOMENESS

 Former ring winners (lower L-R) Tarik Obobber, Lex Dominica and the ghost of Boyd X. Biggs hope to stop DTA (above) and the streaking Cambridge Animals in their quest for a first NFFA title.  
By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

Owner of the hottest team in the NFFA and 2010 Coach of the Year, Dave the Animal begins his quest for his first championship ring Thursday night, and the question on everyone's mind is this: Can anyone stop the Cambridge Animals' awesome awesomeness?

Music City Sports Book is drinking the DTA Kool-Aid, installing the Animals as 3-2 favorites for the title, followed by the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs (3-1), the West Nashville Beelzebubbas (5-1)  and the Atlanta Smack Daddies (6-1).

According to MCSB spokesperson House Wynn, the Animals, who dethroned the East Nashville Black Dogs in the Jorge division, get the nod because "they have quarterback Tom Brady and the other teams don't."

When it comes to championships, DTA's three opponents all have been there and done that — both Lex Dominica (Smack Daddies) and Tarik Obobber (Sea Hogs) have two titles, and the ghost of Boyd X. Biggs (Beelzebubbas) has one.

But DTA, who is a self-proclaimed coaching genius, is not without playoff experience. The Animals were upset by the Southall Block Rockers in the 2004 championship game and also made the playoffs in 2006. DTA's coaching genius is widely recognized, having not only developed quarterbacks Peyton Manning and Drew Brees, but also pioneered the controversial 2Q system, which was struck down two years ago as illegal by Commissioner William D. Money. This season, he is credited with reviving the career of Brady, whom he shrewdly obtained in a trade with the Midtown Mojo.

In fact, after the Sea Hogs and the East Nashville Black Dogs, the Animals have been the third-most successful franchise in the seven-season, playoff era, as the table below shows.

One of DTA's rivals for the title admitted to this reporter that "it may be the Animals' year to get a championship."

 If Animals fall short in their goal of a first title, the Daddies and Hogs will try to become the first team with three championships, while the 'Bubbas will attempt to become the fourth team with two rings. (In addition to the Smack Daddies and Sea Hogs, the Black Dogs have two titles.)

SHARIF HAS A VISION; EMANUEL GONE

An artist's rendering of QCurl Sharif's backyard. Sharif has fired new GM Rahm Emanuel in a surprise move, supporting his coach, and called for a party.

By Faith Popcorn
BAKERS PR

NASHVILLE -- The 12th Ave. Bakers' front office, in a tersely worded press release, revealed this morning that GM Rahm Emanuel has been fired, effective immediately. Owner QCurl Sharif, visibly impaired, and a beaming head coach Snoop Dogg, enjoyed a conciliatory lunch together today at the venerable Cherry Bomb Cafe.

The Bakers (4-8) have had a miserable season, after high expectations, and Sharif had brought Emanuel in a month ago in an attempt to right a listing ship. It had been speculated in recent weeks that Snoop's job was in jeopardy as the losses continued to pile up, but apparently Sharif has had a change of heart.

"I always said I would walk through hell behind this guy," Sharif told the small crowd. "And we are walking through there right now. Snoop's boots are on fire but his head is full of ice. In fact, he's a walking Touchdown Taser."

The Bakers fell to the East Nashville Black Dogs this past week, dashing any feeble hope of a final push for the playoffs. The team is now 0-4 in the division for 2010, and Dogg's career record stands square at 20-20 following yet another narrow defeat. Still, the owner is throwing his support behind the winningest coach in Baker history. They face the division-leading and ancient rival West Nashville Beelzebubbas this weekend.

Sharif alluded to a vision he had Tuesday night after his dinner.

"My trusted aide, Bear Bear, had burned the dried husks of the fabled powpow flower at my table and I was transported to a beautiful place where men of all race and creed wrestled with one another and slathered lard onto the faces of several enormous statues standing nearby.

"I was stunned by the beauty of the setting ... a long and narrow pool flanked by a verdant green beneath a cloudless and blue sky with perhaps one hundred men in various grappling poses. Then, rising from the center of the pool, I saw the ghosts of past NFFA greats and the ghosts of ghosts — our players, owners, coaches and mascots — in a parade of the mind.

"There soon followed the fans — those who had died in revelry and wild support — led by the multi-breasted goddess Artemis who carried fallen Baker Steve McNair suckled fast against her. And I cried great heroic tears for my brothers and realized the blessing I have here in this league. And, as the lard began to drip from the statues, the faces revealed were of the original owners — even myself — and they looked down on me and a voice rose in crystal from the water and spoke 'Bacchanal.'

"And as the wind of the fabled powpow lifted me and transported me further again to a brothel, I came to know my duty. Fire Emanuel. He knows nothing of Snoop or of this terrible and wondrous place we call the NFFA."

For a moment, the crowd at the Cherry Bomb was taken aback, followed by broken applause and a growing chant of "Bacchanal ... Bacchanal..." Snoop Dogg seemed to bask in the glow of wounded Baker pride.

"Shizznit on the fuzznut," he said, taking Sharif by both hands. "We gonna break wizzle on the Beelze-skizzle."

NFFA BUBBLE TEAMS FACE CRITICAL WEEKEND

In a text to the commisioner, DTA declared himself, "a Penius." (File photo) By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press 

NASHVEGAS —With only three games to go in the NFFA regular season, this weekend is heavy with playoff implications.

In the Jorge division, all four teams are mathematically still in the championship playoff hunt, although at 4-7, the 12th Avenue Bakers' hopes are on life support.

Despite a two-game slide, the 8-3 West Nashville Beelzebubbas are still in the driver's seat to win the Jorge division title and unseat the East Nashville Black Dogs (5-6), who have been division champs for the past five seasons. While still mathematically in the mix for the division title, the Black Dogs do not control their own destiny. They do control their own destiny when it comes to one of the two wild-card spots. The Bakers have to win out and pray for a Qmonic Convergance.

The real threat to the Beelzebubbas is the awesome awesomeness of the 6-5 Cambridge Animals, and the division's top two teams square off this weekend. (In the early round of games on Thanksgiving Day, newly acquired Cambridge QB Tom Brady went for 58 against a reeling 'Bubbas defense, as the Animals opened up an 80-point lead. As Brady piled up the points, Cambridge owner Dave the Animal, or DTA as he's been dubbed by the Boston media, sent a text to the commissioner declaring himself "a Penius.")

The picture is clearer in the Linardo division, where either the Atlanta Smack Daddies (9-2) or the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs (8-3) will wear the division crown. The Daddies, who have clinched at least a wild-card berth, host the Hogs this weekend in Atlanta in the most significant game of the season thus far. If Atlanta prevails, they will open up a two-game lead on Fidalgo Island with only two games to go. If the Sea Hogs win the heavyweight throwdown, they will be tied in record with the Smack Daddies and have the first tiebreaker — head-to-head competition, having defeated the Daddies at home earlier in the season.

The two other Linardo division teams — the Alamo Scouts and the Midtown Mojo — have identical 2-9 records and have already been eliminated from the playoffs. The Scouts and Mojo square off this weekend in Alamo, and the loser of the game will likely secure the first pick in the 2011 NFFA draft, a pick that has become even more lucrative with the recent decision to return all players to the draft pool for the 2011 draft.

The Cherry Bomb Cafe-based Music City Bookmakers™released their playoff odds on Wednesday.

Odds to win the Jorge division title
Beezlebubbas 5-2
Animals 5-1
Black Dogs 25-1


Odds to win the Linardo division title
Smack Daddies 3-2
Sea Hogs 3-1


Odds to make the playoffs
Fidalgo Island 3-2
West Nashville 3-2
Animals 3-1
Black Dogs 10-1
Bakers 50-1

They hate us ...

Beelzebubbas executive Rod "He Hate Me" Smart doesn't like "the taste of Haterade."

Beelzelbubbas executive Rod "He Hate Me" Smart has been outspoken on the subject of who's drinking the Haterade, and singled out the Bakers on the league smack board. "I heard they were gonna ditch Grey Goose and give their stadium naming rights to Haterade," Smart joked two nights ago at Club Gitmo.

But according to Smart, the Bakes aren't the only franchise spreading the hate, that the Mojo and the Animals are, too. "For the Mojo, hatred isn't a strategy, it's a lifestyle," He Hate Me said. "Now in the case of the Animals, they mix their Haterade with Methlon vitamins."

There has always been friction between the Bakers, 'Bubbas, and Mojo over their overlapping turf, but it has taken a nasty turn this season. Smart said the hate wasn't coming from the 'Bubbas.

"The Beezlebubbas have always been about the love — in fact, several members of the team emigrated from the planet Lovetron," He Hate Me continued. "We don't hate, we congratulate — and we don't like the taste of Haterade. But we also know sometimes you have to use violence against the haters.

"We win, so they hate us."

Got MOJO? Maybe so...

New MOJO Owner Sheikh Yrbouti enjoys the press conference after Mike Vick's record-setting performance in Week 10. Got MOJO? Maybe so...
By Soren Bernyn
Fantasy Sports Network

After a 0-7 first half, the team formerly known as the Midtown Mojo has stopped dropping letters from its name and started adding Ws. After winning two of its last three games, the team is showing signs of renewed confidence, particularly noticeable in QB Mike Vick's astounding 77-point performance against the Beelzebubbas. That remarkable game established a new gold standard in the NFFA, and has inspired a team in dire need of direction and motivation, while simultaneously delivering a demoralizing blow to the hated 'Bubbas.

Through an interpreter, the team's new owner Sheikh Yrbouti, said "I do not know much about this football, but I know when a man is playing with boys -- Michael Vick is a man." Yrbouti arrived on the scene after week 9, several weeks after the team's owner, GM, coach and mascot all mysteriously disappeared. The Sheikh arrived at the team's HQ with a deed to the place and papers that identified him as the owner of "the once and future Mojo," which he claimed to have won in a card game in Marrakech with a woman known only as "Lee."

Vick said, "the Sheikh showed up, brought out a big brick of Moroccan hash, and the locker room hasn't been the same since. Guys are loving the atmosphere -- we even got DMC to lay off the Qookies and Brandon Marshall to put down his Cranker Barrel charge card."

2008 BLACK DOGS CELEBRATE SEA HOGS LOSS

Corks were popping at McMizzle's Monday night as Coach Jizzle McMizzle (inset) and the 2008 East Nashville Black Dogs celebrated last week's loss by previously undefeated Fidalgo Island.
By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASHVILLE — McMizzle's nightclub on Main Street was the scene of a boisterous party late Monday evening as members of the 2008 East Nashville Black Dogs, the only team in NFFA history to complete a season undefeated, celebrated the loss by 7-0 Fidalgo Island to West Nashville. The Sea Hogs loss left every team in the league with at least one defeat.

Following the example of their NFL counterparts, the 1972 Miami Dolphins, members of the '08 Black Dogs team gathered last year to celebrate when the last undefeated team, the 3-0 West Nashville Beelzebubbas, lost. They continued the tradition this season, having to keep the champagne on ice twice as long, but after the 'Bubbas knocked off the Hogs last weekend, their legacy is intact.

Coach Jizzle McMizzle hosted the 16-0 2008 championship team at his East Nashville joint, and by all accounts, the Dom Perignon was flowing freely. A number of players on the current Black Dogs roster were members of the '08 team and in attendance Monday evening, including Maurice Jones Drew, Greg Jennings, Braylon Edwards, Jared Allen, Patrick Willis, Brian Urlacher, Barrett Ruud and Matt Ryan.

Members of other franchises also were among the attendees, including Fidalgo Island's Frank Gore, Atlanta's Chris Johnson, Cambridge's Matt Shaub and Adam Vinatieri, and 12th Avenue's Matt Cassel.

A clearly buzzed Gore, who has played for Fidalgo Island since the undefeated season, said he had been pulling for the Hogs to lose, then added, "But don't tell Mr. Obobber [Sea Hogs owner]."

Near the end of the evening, as a happy McMizzle surveyed his joyous current and former players, he said, "Nos celebrate nos erant invictus."

MIDTERM REPORT CARD: HOGS, 'BUBBAS AT HEAD OF CLASS

Midtown fans have turned losing into a fashion statement.
By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

NASHVEGAS — It's the halfway point of the ninth NFFA season, and once again, it's time to hand out the teams' midterm grades.

Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs (7-0): A+
The Sea Hogs are perfect so far, have a two-game lead in the Linardo division race, and are showing no signs of suffering from any curse of the champion. In fact, they are the favorites to win the title for the third time, and become the first champion ever to repeat. They not only have scored the most points, they have had the least number of points scored against them. Also, their defenders have scored more points than any other team's defenders.

West Nashville Beelzebubbas (6-1): A
Like the Sea Hogs, the Beelzebubbas  have a two-game lead in their division race. Their only loss was to the Hogs on the opening weekend, and since then, led by league-leading QB Philip Rivers, they have reeled off six straight Ws, averaging 165 points per game. The team demolished its three division opponents, winning by an average of 50 points.

Atlanta Smack Daddies (5-2): B+
The Smack Daddies are right where you would expect them to be at the halfway point: more wins than losses, third in points scored, and on track for a return to the playoffs and a chance for a third ring. And this, despite down years for two of the team's leading players: QB Aaron Rodgers and RB Chris Johnson. The Daddies only losses are to the Sea Hogs and Beelzebubbas.

Cambridge Animals (4-3): B-
After posting their second straight win last weekend against 12th Avenue in what some are calling the greatest game in NFFA history, the Animals have their "awesome awesomeness" back. With a stable of high-scoring RBs — they have five averaging 10 or more points a game — the Animals have the inside track for the second wild-card playoff spot.

East Nashville Black Dogs (3-4): C
The Black Dogs find themselves in unfamiliar territory. To begin with, they aren't atop the Jorge division, where they have been entrenched for the past five seasons. During that time, they have been the highest scoring franchise, but this season, they are next-to-last in points scored, having tallied more than 200 fewer points than the league-leading Sea Hogs. Although Coach Jizzle McMizzle vows the team will turn their season around and still make the playoffs, it looks as if what goes around has finally come back around for the Dogs.

12th Avenue Bakers (2-5): C-
Despite only two Ws, the Bakers get a C- because they have been the victim of bad luck. In three of their losses, they have scored more than 150 points, including last weekend in their two-point loss to the Animals in the so-called greatest game in league history. Owner QCurl Sharif has privately blamed QB Drew Brees for the Bakers slow start, but new GM Rahm Emanuel has dropped hints that head coach Snoop Dogg is the problem. Stay tuned for more drama in Baker nation.

Alamo Scouts (1-6): D
The Scouts were the preseason darlings of Methlon's NFFA Preview magazine, but they have disappointed so far. Starting QB Ben Roethlisberger missed the first four weeks of the season because of his suspension, plus they have only one RB in the top 10 and only one WR in the top 30. MeeMaw Murrman had better get her skillet out and start applying some motivation upside some players' heads, starting with stud WR Larry Fitzgerald.

Midtown Mojo (0-7): F
As each winless week has passed, the Midtown franchise has fallen further into disarray. After being hospitalized in a coma, owner Mojo-D has disappeared, as has mascot Mojo Jojo and GM Miss Lee Yhn. Word on the street in Hillsboro Village is that Mojo-D's hated rival Randy Rayburn is running the team now. Whether that is true or not, the team's Volvo-driving, chablis-swilling fans, who were giddy after the draft, have taken to wearing paper bags over their heads, which they consider a fashion accessory.

TROUBLE IN BAKERLAND: SHARIF NAMES EMANUEL NEW BAKERS GM

The 12th Ave. Bakers are trying to stop the bleeding, according to owner QCurl Sharif, with the hiring of new GM Rahm Emanuel. It is reported that head coach Snoop Dogg opposed the hire.By Faith Popcorn
TWELVE AVE. PUBLIC RELATIONS
NASHVILLE -- As the 12th Ave. Bakers have watched their 2010 season unravel — a season for which the fans and owner QCurl Sharif had high hopes — a battle has apparently transpired behind closed doors in an effort to place blame for the poor start, and to find a way to turn the campaign around.

At end of day Wednesday, Sharif addressed reporters and announced the hiring of former White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel as the new Bakers GM. According to Sharif, Emanuel was approached last weekend as the team suffered a narrow loss to the Cambridge Animals.

'He was my guest this past weekend,' Sharif said. 'And, despite the loss, he was impressed with the team and the fan base. He noted that we are scoring points, but seemed unable to close the deals. He communicated this to Mr. Dogg at dinner later Monday night — and to be honest — it didn't go over well. In fact, Snoop turned over the table and one of the Touchdown Tasers caught Rahm's suit on fire.'

Emanuel signed a contract Wednesday morning and Snoop Dogg talked to reporters and fans from the Treehouse Studio last night. He was wrapping up a tribute record honoring Tammy Wynette with a cover of 'Stand By Your Man' by Lady GaGa.

'I guess we'll find some common ground,' Dogg said. 'But, if the state of the White House is an indication of what he's going to do for us, then I have some doubt ... no doubt. This is the NFFA for dogg's sake — we strap it on and get down with the best week in and week out. I mean, shit, we've got the fourth best offense in the league and our defense played lights out last week. It's hardcore out there. Sometimes the bear eats you. Hell man, we had three players knocked out our game two weeks ago. I hope Mr. Emanuel is ready for this. Politics ain't nuthin' but showbiz.'

Dogg is the winningest coach in Bakers' history, compiling an overall record of 19-17 to date, and has carried the team to the playoffs twice after replacing the popular Randy Warhol. His postseason record is 1-3.

'Snoop's record is not an issue,' Emanuel said from Sharif's home this morning. 'And his job is not in jeopardy. But, as QCurl says: 'Why settle for mediocrity?' ... I have confidence that Snoop will get the players motivated and back on course.'

When told today of Emanuel's comment, Dogg was somewhat surprised.

'If Rahm wants to get up in my business, he'll find out what jeopardy really is ... in fact, I'll leadpipe him so bad he'll look like Alex Tribek.'

MCMIZZLE GOES OFF AT OCTOBERFEST

Cell phone photo of East Nashville coach Jizzle McMizzle during an altercation with 12th Avenue fans at Saturday's Octoberfest celebration. (Photo courtesy of Missy Bass)

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

NASHVEGAS — On the eve of his team's visit to 12th Avenue, East Nashville Black Dogs coach Jizzle McMizzle caused a scene yesterday at the annual Octoberfest in the Germantown area of Nashvegas.

According to witnesses attending the event, an obviously drunk McMizzle engaged in a verbal altercation with several Bakers fans.

Jeremy Huff, who was attending the fest with his wife and son, said three young men wearing Bakers merchandise and sporting QCurl tattoos, confronted McMizzle outside one of the beer tents and challenged him about his team's mediocre start.

"The fans started it," Huff said. "It looked like McMizzle was having a hard time staying upright."

Missy Bass, another attendee, said one of the men told the coach he "sucked," to which McMizzle slurred, "I'll have you know that rumor's not true."

Bass said the conversation continued as follows:

"You're going down tomorrow, chump," one of the other men told him.

"I've never lost to the Bakers," McMizzle replied.

"Yeah, you did, dumbass," the first man said. "Last year, next-to-last game, sucka."

"Oh, yeah, you're right, I forgot about that," the coach slurred. "Well, we're still gonna kick your asses."

"Y'all gonna be in Baker Nation, Coach. Y'all may not make it out alive."

Bass said at that point, McMizzle pulled a gun, and mumbled something about they better not make him mad. The first Bakers fan said to the others, "That dude is whack. Let's get outta here," and then started to leave.

As they walked away, McMizzle yelled at them to stop. "I'll tell you one thing," he said loudly. "The curse is gonna get the [expletive] [Fidalgo Island Sea], Hogs. Somebody big on the Hogs is gonna get hurt, probably [expletive] Peyton [Manning, Sea Hogs starting quarterback] — and it could happen this weekend. Write that down."

"I ain't got a pen, Coach, or any [expletive] paper," the first Bakers fan said. "Write it down, your damn self. See ya tomorrow in the nation, sucka."

The curse McMizzle referred to is curse of the NFFA champion. Not only has no champion in the eight-year history of the league been able to repeat, in many cases they had a big fall the following season. With their 4-0 start, there is no evidence the defending champions from Fidalgo Island are suffering any such affliction.

Mojo D Desperately Seeking Mojo's Mojo

Mojo D met with a voudon called Shula (left) to conjure up a win for Midtown; Mojo Jojo (right) sacrificed a paw for the cause.

by Soren Bernyn, FSN
After another winless start, the Midtown Mojo are looking for any help they can get. Coach Mojo D was spotted earlier this week outside Midtown, meeting with a voudon (voodoo priestess) to find a supernatural edge against the Bakers in their Week 4 tilt. "Clearly, the Mojo have lost their Mojo. The front-office is looking good with free agent pick-ups like Mike Vick and Dustin Keller, but it ain't happening on the field, and that's all about luck -- so we've got to change our luck. The best way I know how to do that is hire a conjurer."

Accompanying Mojo D was the team's mascot and GM, Mojo Jojo. "Jojo is coming along to renew his commitment to the team by sacrificing the powerful talisman of the monkey-paw. Shula tells me this is how she helped the 1972 Dolphins and 2009 Saints in their historic victories." Indeed, after the encounter, Jojo was sporting a metallic, bionic hand, but had nothing to say to the media. He did, however, use the new hand to fling poo at reporters on the scene, laughing maniacally (see photo, right above).

The Mojo-Bakers rivalry has usually been a tepid affair, but Mojo D turned up the heat with the opening of the Mojodome, which is located on the grounds of the Tennessee Governor's Mansion. It is the first geothermal-powered, fully underground stadium in the world -- its retractable roof is the front lawn of the mansion. But it also is outside the generally accepted (but disputed) boundaries of Midtown, and close to South Nashville turf claimed by the Bakers. "We've worked it out as far south as Woodmont Blvd., then it's no-man's land. Or rather, it WAS no-man's land."

Mojo D's shell company, Midtown Merch, has also purchased 10,000 "Homer" masks to mock the Baker's owner, whose affinity for Tennessee Titans players has been a source of hilarity for other teams in the NFFA. During "Homer Sharif Day," the Mojo will distribute the masks for fans to wear on their march to the Bakers' field. (Illustration below provided by Mojo PR Diva, Rosetta Stone)

BAKER FANS RALLY FOR OPENER

Self-proclaimed Baker UberFan Lady 2Curl relaxes in front of the Cherry Bomb Cafe as the faithful began to gather on Wednesday.

By Faith Popcorn
Bakers PR

Nashville -- In preparation for this weekend's opener with the Alamo Scouts, 12th Ave. Bakers fans began pouring into the Cherry Bomb Cafe and the surrounding city blocks on Wednesday to show support for a team they expect to make run deep into the playoffs this year.

"We've already been disrespected by the press," said Bakers head coach Snoop Dogg, who was on hand for the traditional Busting of the Cherry that traditionally kicks off the season for the hopeful each year. No one was injured at this year's event. "Methlon Publications obviously cow-towed to the ham-handed tactics of the Beelzebubbas' organization in recalling the preseason magazines. This has their pawprints all over it, and if the Animals' ownership is so out of it to allow themselves to be manipulated by what is patently known as a rogue organization — well we certainly don't have to worry about them putting a competitive team on the field.

"One down, six to go."

It should be noted that this year's celebration is being resided over by Cherry Buster Queen Lady 2Curl, who will be on hand as an honorary captain for the coin toss. Bakers' owner QCurl Sharif will not attend pre-game festivities this year, but will arrive in Nashville prior to the opener, following an extended rehab stint in Bordeaux. This marks his third straight pre-season rehab stay, and coach Dogg elaborated.

"That's in North Nashville, not France," said Dogg. "My kind of wine country. I'm not saying the man ain't clean, but most people go there to get shot."

METHLON'S NFFA PREVIEW RECALLS BAKERS EDITION

More than one million copies of Methlon's NFFA Preview
are being recalled in reaction to last night's draft.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

CAMBRIDGE — Methlon Publications is recalling more than one million copies of their 2010 edition of NFFA Preview following Monday night's NFFA draft, the AWP has learned.

According to Methlon spokesperson Jerry Wayne McCohen, the editors realized they had made a "horrible mistake" by picking the 12th Avenue Bakers to finally win it all this season.

"I was hanging out with the editorial staff, watching the draft last night on Fantasy Sports Network, and they didn't know whether to laugh or cry over some of the Bakers' picks," McCohen said.

When the draft ended, the Methlon editors conferred for a few minutes and unanimously agreed they could not risk the embarrassment of picking 12th Avenue.

"Of course, this is gonna cost Dave the Animal millions of dollars, but he can afford it," McCohen said.

The recalled editions featured Bakers owner and bon vivant QCurl Sharif attired in an elephant mask representing the Hindu deity Lord Ganesha, and no doubt will become a hot item on eBay. According to McCohen, no one at the cover photo shoot knew why Sharif wore the Genesha mask.

"QCurl was pretty gone that day," he recalled. "I remember him mumbling something about Genesha, but I thought he was requesting some Middle Eastern dish, babaganeesh or something like that. One of the production assistants thought he wanted a certain brand of incense."

According to McCohen, near the end of the draft, editor-in-chief Dick Leonard said they should have photographed Q wearing a Homer Simpson mask, and from that point forward, they all started calling him Homer Sharif because he loaded up on Tennessee Titans players. Five of the Bakers' 17 picks were from Tennessee.

According to a source within the Methlon organization, the magazine will switch its pick to the Alamo Scouts, who had the best draft grade according to the magazine's editors, to be the 2010 champions.

The consensus among the Methlon editors was the Scouts graded an A; the Atlanta Smack Daddies, the East Nashville Black Dogs, the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, and the West Nashville Beelzebubbas all had a B grade; the Cambridge Animals let the computer pick, and despite a few unexplainable choices, they graded a C+; the Midtown Mojo got a C; and the Bakers got a C-.