MIDTOWN MOJO HIRE NEW COACH

New Midtown Mojo Coach C.O. Jones poses for his official Mojo portrait.
MIDTOWN MOJO HIRE NEW COACH

By Kimon Iwannalayya, Fantasy Sports Network

GM Rosetta Stone and owner Mojo D announced new coach C.O. Jones today at a press briefing broadcast via satellite from an undisclosed location. Jones is the son of Boston Celtics legend K.C. Jones, and the owner said he was hired during the off-season "to raise our game after a strong return season.

"We made it to the playoffs but need to win it all," the Midtown owner said. "We have something to prove and the tools to make it happen. Our new coach will be the match on the oily rags."

The new coach has no obvious football experience and has spent the last seven years in Mexico, following some mysterious circumstances with the DEA and ATF during a botched sting operation that allegedly involved Triki Bobber, criminally insane owner of the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, disgraced NFFA champions.

During his stay in Mexico, Jones became a moderately successful wrestler on the Oaxaca circuit, grappling under the moniker El Supremo Perrito (the biggest little dog). His signature move was the devastating El Kabong, which he has promised to demonstrate on the Mojo's opponents this season.

When asked about his decision to hire a coach with no experience, Mojo D said, "He's shown me exactly the take-no-prisoners attitude required to excel in this league. The rest is just details."

Rumors have swirled around Planet Mojo that the owner and new coach share a checkered past that culminated in Jones being the fall guy in the aforementioned sting. Mojo D would say only, "There is no proof that I had anything to do with the Bobber situation and its connection to Jorge — oh wait, did I say Jorge was involved? Whatever — the statute of limitations has expired."

In other Midtown news, the team welcomed back cartoon evil genius and mascot Mojo Jojo from what the team owner described as "a series of 25-day stays at 28-day programs" in an effort to rehab the monkey. Mojo D added, "It was a lot cheaper to hire a full-time sitter, and he's never going to be better anyway. We've always had the position that we just want him to show up, so this looks like a good solution."

Enigmatic owner Mojo D also announced that he has appointed a "Pompatus of Love". Typically, Mojo D offered no details or explanation, but sources indicate he is referring to a shadowy Planet Mojo insider known as "Miss Lee-Yhn."

TRIKI BOBBER LINKED TO SOUTH KOREAN PROTESTS OVER U.S. BEEF

An aerial view of South Korean protesters in the streets of Seoul who
fear imported U.S. beef will be tainted with mad cow disease.

BOBBER LINKED TO SOUTH KOREAN BEEF PROTESTS
Sea Hogs owner said to suffer from mad cow disease

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

In a not altogether surprising turn of events, suspended Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs owner Triki Bobber has been linked to the massive, street protests in South Korea over the importation of U.S. beef, the AWP has learned.

Speaking only on condition of anonymity, a high-placed official within South Korea's National Intelligence Service revealed that Bobber was the original source of black-market beef infected with mad cow disease — the very beef which made its way to South Korea through North Korea and flamed the fears which led to the recent demonstrations against the South Korean government.

Bobber's connections to North Korean dictator Kim Jon II have been well-documented, and there are unsubstantiated reports that Bobber tried to purchase a nuclear weapon from the renegade nation, but the deal fell through when the dictator discovered that Bobber had paid him in counterfeit money.

According to the NIS source, when the North Koreans discovered a large shipment of beef Bobber sold them was infected with the disease, they unloaded it on the South Korean black market. The source also told the AWP that apparently Bobber himself suffers from bovine spongiform encephalopathy, aka BSE or mad cow disease, as a result of eating the tainted beef.

Bobber has not been seen since the big public celebration he hosted on Fidalgo Island following the Sea Hogs' victory over the West Nashville Beelzebubbas in the 2007 championship game. Shortly thereafter, he was suspended by NFFA deputy commissioners Mo and Cash Money, the Sea Hogs were stripped of their title, and Jorge Linardo was dispatched to take over day-to-day operation of the franchise.

Speaking from Fidalgo Island, Linardo said he was impressed with the franchise's operations. "Bobber's method of laundering money from his criminal enterprises through the Sea Hogs' legitimate business front would make even Q. Diddy envious," Linardo said. He went on to explain that GQ Denney had changed his name to Q. Diddy because it made him one letter cooler than P. Diddy.

When asked if any of the Sea Hogs staff had mentioned the possibility that Bobber had mad cow disease, Linardo said they hadn't, but added sympathetically, "That might explain why he's criminally insane."

NFFA spokesperson Steven Pindoctor said by phone this afternoon that the league had "no knowledge of Bobber's whereabouts, the state of his health, or any business activities he may have outside the NFFA." Pindoctor declined to comment on the status of either the embattled Sea Hogs owner's suspension or the investigation by league security into the alleged, but undisclosed violations by him. The league mouthpiece ended the conversation with a terse "no comment" when the subject of Commissioner William D. Money's whereabouts was raised.