NEW COMMISH LIFTS LEWIS'S LIFETIME BAN Murrman takes shot at Money with move

Corsairs owner Mojo D and Coach Ray Lewis at this morning's press conference.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

In a shot that clearly showed who's the new sheriff, Commissioner Lorena "Meemaw" Murrman rescinded Ray Lewis's lifetime ban from the NFFA, which was ordered last month by former commissioner William D. Money. Murrman announced her decision in a press release sent to league media outlets yesterday afternoon.

"I've decided to reinstate Ray Lewis as coach of the Corsairs," the new commissioner said in the statement. "After reviewing the circumstances that led to his ban, I concluded the former commissioner had been mistaken in issuing the ban.

"Although I never knew Mr. TD, it seems clear to me Mr. Lewis cared about him and is remorseful about the tragic circumstances that led to his death. I think he has been punished enough having to live all these years with the knowledge he had accidentally killed his friend."

At a hastily called press conference after receiving news the ban had been lifted, Corsairs owner Mojo D was ecstatic. "In a word, it's vindication," the owner said of the commissioner's decision. "The [12th Avenue] Bakers and anybody else had a chance to put Ray on their team, but the Corsairs pulled the trigger, and gave Ray what he always wanted, but could never get from the Animals or Bakers — an NFFA ring. He gave the team the inspiration — the fire in the belly — that drove them to be champions. QCurl [Sharif]'s sour grapes have produced only bitter wine, expansive, rotted fields of undead, and a continued legacy of losing seasons; but I will say, the Touchdown Taser makes up for all that in my book."

At that moment, Coach Lewis bounded into the room, scooped up a clearly alarmed Mojo D, and proclaimed "See? I told you, man. When God is with you — no man can stand against you — even a man named Bill Money." 

After the press conference, PR intern Sue Nommi informed the gathered media that Mojo D was suffering cracked ribs from several similar "enthusiastic" encounters with his new coach and has taken to wearing a QB flak jacket around the team's HQ and training facility at Nashville's new Music City Center.

Near the end of the press conference, Mojo D also took a shot at former commissioner Money. "The most encouraging news about this clear vindication for the champions is that Meemaw Murrman is now running the association. This is a blow for justice — for all that is good and right about the NFFA, which has not been much under Money's erratic tenure. I expect that Meemaw's ascendance to this lofty role portends great things for the game, not just our little band of misanthropes and malcontents. I like the cut of her jib, and have always cultivated a different kind of relationship with her than the other owners, which is to say I have not suffered a beat-down at her hands (or skillet), nor been the target of her formidable psychological warfare. It is an exciting time for Meemaw, the NFFA and all our fans around the planet and beyond."

In addition to announcing the lifting of Lewis' ban, Commissioner Murrman revealed that he will be in the NFFA's second hall of fame class — along with Steve McNair. Surprisingly, he will be inducted as a Corsair, rather than as a 12th Avenue Baker, as has long been expected. When Woody Larry joking asked Mojo D whether longtime Baker McNair would also be inducted as a Corsair, the owner smiled and said, "That's something we're still discussing with Commissioner Murrman. But Corsair McNair has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"

Bakers owner QCurl Sharif was not available for comment about this development.

NFFA news roundup DOWNTOWN PORNHUSKERS? Possible new name for Corsairs leaked to media

One of the Pornhusker logo designs being considered by the Corsairs.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

One of the best-kept secrets around the NFFA involves the yet-to-be-unveiled new name for the league-champion Corsairs, who are relocating to a plush new stadium atop the new convention center in downtown Nashville.

But FSN has obtained a tantalizing clue, in the form of logos prepared by a local design firm involving the name “Pornhuskers.” One logo shows a scantily clad cowgirl astride a suggestively peeled ear of corn, while the other shows the team name emblazoned across a silhouetted woman’s bare chest.

Sources requesting anonymity said the name was a nod to downtown Nashville’s freewheeling and bawdy past, when the area was populated with adult cinemas and strip clubs. 

Reached for comment, Corsairs PR intern Sue Nommi would not confirm whether Pornhuskers was one of the names under consideration by the team. “As NFFA champions, we are considering a number of different options at this point,” she said. “Mr. Mojo D, our champion owner, will have the final say, and we hope to have an announcement about the new name of our NFFA-champion team very soon.”

Pussy Riot to perform at Bacchanal X

Amid ongoing rumors that Bacchanalia to the Future X will include Elvis Presley as the headline act, festival organizers have managed to confirm several performers who will be part of the tenth anniversary celebration in November.

Pussy Riot will be released for Bacchanal X.

Most notably, the show will include the Russian all-girl band, Pussy Riot, who will be released from Moscow’s Lubyanka Prison in order to attend the Bacchanal. Organizers were tight-lipped about how they won a promise from the Russian government to let the performers attend. But two sources, speaking anonymously, confirmed that Bakers owner QCurl Sharif had negotiated the band’s release directly with Russian President Vladimir Putin on a recent trip to Moscow.

“Ever since {Russia’s state-owned] GazProm secretly bought an interest in the Bakers,” one of the sources said, “Sharif has been tight with ‘The Vladdie.’ Who knows? He might even show up at the Treehouse one night when Obama is there.”

Meanwhile, Bacchanal organizers have recently received commitments to perform from Lou Reed, Commander Cody and his Lost Planet Airmen, Southern Culture on the Skids, Dr. Krunkenstein, and local rapper and Sharif protégé Robert Cray-Cray. 

Bakers officials in Hohenwald said that a re-reanimated Warren Zevon was doing well and looking forward to the Bacchanal. Zevon was rekilled in last year’s event during an assassination attempt on Sharif.

Club Gitmo Sports Book adds Boston AAU games

WTA shows off his perfect form.

In the wake of an eye-opening, 31-point performance in his AAU season debut by Cambridge general manager Wilder the Animal, the Club Gitmo Sports Book yesterday announced that it would begin accepting wagers on WTA’s future basketball games.

“There’s just an unusual spike in interest,” said Beelzebubbas Media Relations Director Karl Hungus. “We want to be able to meet the demand of our clients.”

Hungus added that Club Gitmo’s presence on Native American land in the “Nations” area of Nashville would exempt the organization from any possible laws against betting on 11-year-olds. In fact, he bridled at the mere suggestion of impropriety. “At Churchill Downs, you can bet on fucking three-year-olds,” Hungus said. “So I’m not hearing any of this shit.”

CORSAIRS LINKED TO MARATHON BOMB FBI probes possible connection with Chechen terrorists

The image above is a screen grab from the UMass Dartmouth Corsairs website.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

FSN has learned the FBI is looking into a possible connection between the NFFA champion Corsairs and the Tsarnaev brothers, who allegedly built and planted the bombs near the finish line of last week’s Boston Marathon.

Justice Department sources confirmed that the FBI began its probe after learning that Tamerlan and Dzokhaer Tsarnaev were members of an athletic team called the Corsairs while students at the University of Massachusetts at Dartmouth.

“Maybe it’s just coincidence,” said one FBI agent, who wished to remain unnamed. “But is it just coincidence that one of the Corsairs’ archrivals is right here in Boston? And that a Corsairs fan, back when they were the Midtown Mojo, attempted a suicide bomb attack at the grand opening of Club Gitmo, the headquarters of another league rival? We have to check all possible angles.”

Corsairs owner Mojo D was unavailable for comment. A team spokesperson said D was finalizing arrangements to announce the new name of his team, which is relocating to a new stadium atop Nashville’s sprawling downtown convention center.

Reached at the NFFA Tower, new commissioner Lorena “Meemaw” Murrman said she was shocked by the investigation. “Mojo D is a nice boy, and I think his fans are all nice boys, too,” Murrman said. “I’m sure this is all just a big misunderstanding.”

Corsairs Coach Ray Lewis, who remained at the team offices in spite of a lifetime ban issued last month by former commissioner Bill Money, was even more forthright. “This is all a bunch of bull,” Lewis said. “These guys were Russians, and you know what team is partly owned by the Russians? I’ll paint you a picture by numbers, and the number is 12. And who would like to frame Mojo D for a terrorist attack? As one of our great legislators said, ‘This ain’t rocket surgery.’”

FBI sources said they are not currently looking into any possible links between the terrorist bombers and the 12th Avenue Bakers.

“I know this,” Lewis continued. “God is with us. No man can stop us. Even if that man is named F-B-I.”

NFFA News Roundup MONEY RESIGNS Plans to focus more time on Black Dogs

NFFA Commissioner William D. Money (left) has turned the reigns over to Deputy Commissioner Meemaw Murrman (right) after 11 seasons. (File photos)

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

In a startling development, NFFA Commissioner Bill Money announced his immediate resignation today at a hastily called press conference and declared that Deputy Commissioner Lorena “Meemaw” Murrman would succeed him in the league’s top spot.

The reclusive commissioner, who has served in this role since the league began, made a rare public appearance in declaring that he planned to focus more of his energies on his own team, the East Nashville Black Dogs.

“We fell short this year,” Money said. “And I agree with Coach (Jim) McMahon that any season that doesn’t produce a championship goes down as a failure for the Black Dogs. We’re accustomed to the top, and I want to help get us back there.

“Last week it just hit me like a shot to the head,” Money continued. “I knew I needed to get back to what I love best.”

Reporters noticed that, under his trademark hat, Money’s head appeared to be heavily bandaged. In response to a reporter’s question about his evident injury, Money explained that he had hit his head in a “wind-surfing accident.”

The ex-commissioner took no further questions but was effusive in his praise of Murrman, who he said “has the right skillet, er, skillset, for the job.”

Goodrow-A-Go-Go hosts Chesney same-sex vows

Kenny Chesney inaugurated the new same-sex wedding chapel at Nashville’s Goodrow-A-Go-Go Saturday when the country artist was legally married to NBA star Zach Randolph of the Memphis Grizzlies.

The bride just prior to the ceremony.

Papparazzi snarled traffic for several hours in the Hillsboro Village area in their attempts to snap photos of the new couple and of some of the celebrity guests at the wedding, who included Oprah Winfrey, Hayden Panattiere, Sasha Baron-Cohen, Tom Cruise, QCurl Sharif, Jeannie C. Riley and Shane Battier, among others.

Taylor Swift served as maid of honor, while Randolph’s teammate Marc Gasol was best man. Gonzo the chimp, who serves as unofficial maitre d’ of the Goodrow-A-Go-Go, was ring bearer.

Through a novel arrangement, the “Wedding-A-Go-Go Chapel of Love” at the storied Nashville nightspot enables same-sex couples to be married, even though the partnership is not recognized in Tennessee. Services are performed via videoconference by a chaplain in New York State, where same-sex marriages are legal.

After spending the rest of the weekend at Sharif’s West End Treehouse, the newlyweds are planning a honeymoon trip to Dauphin Island, Ala., after the NBA playoffs end.

Following the ceremony, a beaming Dave Goodrow said he was pleased to have played a small role in bringing marriage equality to Nashville. Standing nearby, Sharif commented, “This shit is gonna make bank.”

Ghost of Biggs officially changes name

The Ghost of the Ghost of Boyd X. Biggs, the founding owner of the West Nashville Beelzebubbas, announced that he had successfully petitioned a Davidson County court to change his name to Mos’ Ded.

GOB2 is now Mos' Ded.

Reading from a prepared statement, the team’s director of media relations, Karl Hungus, said, “GOB2 believed that the name Ghost of the Ghost of Biggs was too long and cumbersome. Even saying it as G-O-B-2 is kind of much. One of the rappers from Dr. Krunkenstein jokingly referred to him recently as Mos’ Ded, and Biggs decided it had a ring to it.”

Pointing out that Cambridge owner DTA had referred to Corsairs owner Mojo D last year as “Mos’ Gay,” a reporter asked whether the similarity of the two appellations would cause any confusion. “Mos’ Ded ain’t going to be confused with any Corsairs,” Hungus replied. “Trust me, he’d rather be dead than gay.”

News roundup BUBBAS OPEN SPRING DRILLS Brees, RG3 and others take part in workouts

Beelzebubbas' coach Nicky Satan (left) barks out instructions at Wednesday's spring practice, which included a number of players from other teams, including Corsairs QB Drew Brees (above right) and Black Dogs RB Marshawn Lynch (below right).

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

In a signal that the football business in West Nashville would no longer be business as usual, the Beelzebubbas on Wednesday opened spring practice — a move that is believed to be unprecedented in the NFFA.

New head coach Jerry Glanville welcomed the 'Bubbas' returning veterans for two hours of work without pads. “I think it’s fair to say no one will have done more squat thrusts come this fall than our players,” said Coach-in-Waiting Nicky Satan, who also put the offense through passing drills. Meanwhile, Glanville fired what players believed to be live rounds from a Colt 45 near the feet of defensive linemen as part of a series of agility drills.

What made the practice even more unprecedented was the presence not only of rookies-to-be — such as Georgia LB Alec Ogletree and Florida DT Sharrif Floyd — but of NFFA veterans currently on the rosters of other teams, including QBs Drew Brees and Russell Wilson of the Corsairs, WR Percy Harvin of the Sea Hogs, RB Marshawn Lynch of the Black Dogs and WR Jordy Nelson of the Animals. Though he was still in a cast, QB Robert Griffin III of the Bakers also joined in some of the running and throwing drills.

“The way we look at it,” Satan said, “since teams haven’t declared their keepers yet, all of these veterans are potential free agents. We need to evaluate them, and they all were interested enough in becoming Bubbas that they accepted our invitation to come to practice. We didn’t offer any inducements, and none of the players knew there would be free mushroom matés and boiled shrimp in the Palenque Room until after practice was over. There’s no rule against this yet as far as we know. In fact, no rules is one of the greatest things about this league.”

Glanville, asked by a reporter about the firing of his weapon in the direction of players, shrugged and said, “It wasn’t live ammunition, but the players didn’t need to know that. I’ve found that you get a truer measure of how fast people can move when you pull out a loaded gun. Besides, it was good for relations with one of our sponsors, Colt 45.”

Animals owner takes flak for ‘heterophobic’ slurs 

Cambridge owner Dave the Animal was roundly criticized in both the New England and national media yesterday after a videotape was released of scathing, heterophobic remarks he made to Animals’ players last season.

DTA after last fall's 73-point loss.

Following a 73-point loss at home to the East Nashville Black Dogs in Week 13, DTA was seen on the tape entering the Animals’ locker room and berating the players for what he called a “pathetic effort.”

During the five-minute video, DTA repeatedly used slurs against the players, referring to them as “a coven of blatant heterosexuals,” “woman lovers,” “unqueers,” “vagina bandits,” “straighties,” “lumberjacks,” “front-door men,” “muffin stuffers,” “Dinty Moores” and “pooty pirates.” The video ended abruptly as the owner apparently noticed that he was being filmed and hurled his over-the-shoulder bag in the direction of the camera.

Reaction from the Boston media, which previously had been unrelentingly positive in its coverage of the team and DTA (as they had dubbed him affectionately), was sharply critical. “Not even a crushing, noncompetitive home loss in the midst of the playoff chase provides an excuse for an owner to make hostile comments about his players’ sexual orientation,” read an editorial from The Boston Globe. 

“To refer to a player of Tom Brady’s stature as a “straight boy” is an unthinkable insult in this town,” said Boston sports columnist Bob Ryan in an ESPN interview. “Both to Tom AND (Brady’s wife) Giselle. Maybe he wasn’t himself because he hadn’t done any LSD that day, but if that’s the case DTA needs to give us the reason for his outburst and apologize so we can all move on.”

A person who answered the phone at the Animals’ team office earlier today said that “Mr. Animal is hiking the Appalachian Trail and will be unavailable for the rest of the week.”

Reached by cell phone, Cambridge general manager Wilder the Animal said, "I admire my dad's business acumen, but it's kind of sobering and sad to realize your father is a raging heterophobe."