Mojo D Suspected of Goatnapping

Baller GM Hints at Conspiracy

By C.T.E. Furall
Bikini Football League Gazette

Local law enforcement authorities confirmed Friday that Ballers’ owner and GM Mojo D is the primary suspect in the theft of Sylvan Goats mascot Carol, a Messinese billy hailing from Sicily, who went missing Thursday morning from his pen on Westlawn Drive in Sylvan Park. A complaint was filed Thursday afternoon by Goats’ GM Bronko Nagurski.

Carol, Sylvan Goats Mascot, in repose

“This is bush-league bull,” said Nagurski, who was reached at his private workout facility. “I get that drunken Army cadets think this sort of thing is all part of the game, but we’re professionals, not a bunch of callow dipshits who haven’t been laid in three years.”

Asked why he suspected Mojo D, Nagurski noted that the two teams were playing one another this week before insulting the reporter for his question.

Mojo D, contacted at home by Zoom, laughed at the accusation. “Sure, the Goats have won five straight, and yeah, they lead the league in scoring, but we’re second in scoring and played them close last time. Who needs to steal a goat?”

When reporters asked about what appeared to be a longhorned goat eating a bowl of cereal in the background over Mojo D's shoulder, the Ballers’ chief appeared to come clean. “OK, what if I did steal their damn goat, and I’m not saying I did. That jackass was asking for it. Hoarding QBs? And then sending out an unnecessarily obscene self-justification? What are we? Neoliberal teenagers? At first we thought Nagurski was undergoing some sort of personal crisis, like divorce or hemorrhoids, but now we see he’s just a self-serving piece of goat dung. And who names a billy goat Carol?”

One reporter noted that Mojo D’s comments implied a conspiracy. But the GM ended the session without replying.

Nagurski, who listened to a recording of Mojo D’s comments as he passed out free toys for children at a local charity, replied: “Carol was my mother’s name.”

This story will be updated as the situation warrants.