'ONE FOR THE MIDDLE FINGER' Black Dogs claim third title in seven years

The Miss Beasley balloon floats high above Main Street during Thursday's
victory parade for the 2011 NFFA champs, the East Nashville Black Dogs.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY—Thousands of East Nashvillians turned out earlier today for a victory parade to celebrate the Black Dogs' 2011 NFFA championship. The parade, complete with floats and giant, helium-filled balloons, concluded with a raucous pep rally at a parking lot one block from the Five Points intersection.

The parade was originally planned for Wednesday, but was rescheduled at the request of the Fidalgo Island franchise, which wished to show respect for the last rites of Kim Jong Il, an old friend of Sea Hogs owner Tirik Obobber.

Black Dogs fans lined the sun-filled street to get a glimpse of the parade that began at 5th and Main and proceeded up Main Street to the parking lot at the corner of 10th and Main, across from Marche Artisan Foods. A number of East Side organizations entered floats in the hastily arranged parade, including the East Nasty running club, whose float featured a giant running shoe stepping on a bug labeled ATL, and Eastwood Neighbors, whose "Mighty, Mighty East Side"-themed float was the best of several entries by East Nashville neighborhood organizations.

There were a number of giant balloons interspersed with the floats, including three depicting the original black dogs for whom the team is named, as well as a balloon for Miss Beasley, aka the party starter, who was one of the dogs involved in the mauling of Sea Hogs fans several years ago— but the best was the Buddy Ryan balloon, a helium-filled homage to the team's GM, that ironically made him look slimmer.

When the last float carrying Ryan, head coach Jim McMahon and the Black Dogs players reached the corner of 10th and Main, they joined a number of dignitaries on a makeshift stage, including Nashville mayor Karl Dean, NFFA director of security Salvatore “Big Pussy” Bonpensiero and first lady Michelle Obama, a friend of McMahon's from his days in Chicago. Commissioner William D. Money was nowhere to be seen, which was odd, considering he founded the East Nashville franchise and it is still owned by the William D. Money Trust.

Dean presented the team with a key to the city and proclaimed the franchise a "dynasty" after winning its third championship in seven years. Bonpensiero presented the team the 2011 Dead Lombardi championship trophy "on behalf of Commissioner Money, who was tied up and unable to attend." Mrs. Obama gave McMahon a big hug before taking the podium and reading an official invitation from her husband for the team to visit the White House.

Black Dogs GM Buddy Ryan was the next speaker and after thanking the fans for their "tremendous support," he launched into a 10-minute disquisition about the hiring of McMahon as head coach seven years ago and its impact on the franchise. He ticked off the team's accomplishments under the man formerly known as Jizzle McMizzle: "When I hired Jim, I had one goal in mind — to win championships. And it has worked out pretty well.

"Over the past seven years, Jim has led us to four title games and three NFFA championships including a perfect 16-0 season in 2008, six Jorge division titles, a 65-33 regular-season record and zero losing seasons," Ryan continued. Then taking a shot at Cambridge's Dave the Animal, he added, "I don't know if Jim's a coaching genius or not, but I do know he's the most successful coach in NFFA history." At that point, he called McMahon to the podium.

The Black Dogs coach went to the rostrum, held up his right hand with the middle finger extended, and said,"Ring number three, I guess that's one for the middle finger." McMahon laughed, and the fans laughed along with him.

"I received a tweet from [12th Avenue Bakers owner] QCurl [Sharif] offering his congratulations and saying he was glad the championship cup was back where it belongs in the Jorge division," McMahon said. "I also received word from [West Nashville GM] Jorge [Linardo] expressing similar sentiments. No direct word from DTA, but I understand he's in Oregon to attend the opening of the one-thousandth Cracky Ds, so no telling when we'll hear from him. He did send a message, however, through Rob Gronkowski that if the mayor gave us a key to the city, he would give us two keys," he added and laughed.

"But, seriously, winning our third NFFA championship is a great accomplishment for this franchise, but that just pulls us even with the Atlanta Smack Daddies franchise," he said. "And being able to win our third title against the only team to already have three rings makes it extra special for all of us. I received a gracious, congratulatory phone call from [Smack Daddies owner] Lex [Dominica] and I thank him for that.

"I also want to thank my team for all their hard work which enabled us to win this beautiful trophy," he continued. "And I especially want to thank our general manager, Buddy Ryan, for giving me such a great team. There is no question in my mind the two blockbuster trades Buddy pulled off the day of the trade deadline to bring Matthew Stafford, David Akers and Jason Pierre-Paul to the team are what got us over the top.

He added, "Now, we need to break the curse of the champion and win one for the pinky next year," to which the crowd of fans roared their approval.

Then in characteristic fashion, McMahon ended his comments with a Latin phase, "Canes nigri, ad gloriam."

The head coach was followed to the podium by several of the players, including linebacker Brian Urlacher, the only player to have been on all three championship teams. Holding the Dead Lombardi trophy over his head, he said, "Hell, yeah, this is why we play fantasy football," then let out a big whoop before passing the trophy over to wide receiver Steve Smith, who along with wideout Greg Jennings and linebacker Patrick Willis, has been a member of two of the Dogs' championship squads.

"I want to thank Buddy and Jim for believing in me when most teams thought my best days were behind me," a tearful Smith, who was a member of the 2005 title team, said. Jennings and Willis, both of whom were injured late in the season and missed the playoff run, thanked their teammates for bringing home the Lombardi cup. They also were members of the undefeated 2008 championship team.

After the speeches, entertainment was provided by Elmo Buzz and the East Side Bulldogs, who performed a number of their hits to the delight of the gathered fans, including "Chicks, Cars and Partying Hard" and "37206," their anthem to the primary East Nashville zip code with it's inside-joke lyric, "I got the T-shirt and the bumper sticker."

TERRORISTS FOILED AT BACCHANAL Aldean dies in ‘Farm Chariot’ race

Earl Wayne and Wayne Earl Breedlove were
detained as terrorists at Bachannal VIII.


By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

When former Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi took over the duties as official planner last month, he promised “a Bacchanal that would make the penis of Bacchus himself engorge with blood.” Judging from the reaction of nearly 80,000 revelers who jammed Centennial Park and beyond last week, Berlusconi may have been right. The eighth annual Bacchanal to the Future, hosted as always by the 12th Avenue Bakers and West Nashville Beelzebubbas, appeared to be everything fans expected, plus one or two things they didn’t.

The unexpected arrived in the form of what apparently was intended as a terrorist attack, thwarted thanks to quick action by the Sikh bodyguards who often accompany Bakers owner QCurl Sharif. The security team apprehended two brothers, identified as Wayne Earl and Earl Wayne Breedlove, attempting to enter the park around 3 p.m. Saturday in a Plymouth Voyager van filled with ammonium nitrate. The van had bumper stickers and window flags bearing the logo of the Midtown Mojo, the team that relocated this year to the South China Sea as the Corsairs. According to one source, the Breedloves attempted to pass themselves off as participants in Sharif’s all-zombie nativity scene, an annual holiday favorite at the park. Authorities are investigating possible links between the would-be bombers and Corsairs owner Mojo D.

“My sweet lord, if that thing had gone off, it would have been bigger than the fireworks show last time Shiva was here,” said former FBI Director Louie Freeh, a Bacchanal devotee who donates his time as security coordinator for the event. “We might have had 50,000 dead people. What Chinese monster would think of such a thing?"

However, toxic fumes from the van managed to enter the Party Til You Die tent, killing three visitors and a goat, fulfilling partially, at least, the mission statement of the NFFA. Revelers inside were confused, believing the odor to be from that of a mobile meth lab, donated to the tent from the Cambridge franchise, and realized too late that this was another high altogether. At this reporting, all victims were still dead.

The foiled attack, however, had no obvious effect on the partygoers, who seemed to be blissfully unaware that anything was amiss. The Ramones, who were midway through “The KKK Took My Baby Away” at the time of the incident, continued playing on the Pompei Stage, closest to where the attackers were apprehended, continued playing. In fact, the only disruption to the performance came when Freeh had the power to the stage cut shortly after the band launched into the opening chords of “Bonzo Goes to Bitburg.” After a brief and apparently heated consultation between Freeh and members of the band, a reanimated Joey Ramone yelled “Einzweidreivier!” and took off on “I Wanna Be Sedated,” which the lead singer afterward said was dedicated to Sharif.

“For understandable reasons, Mr. Sharif asked that there be no chimpanzee references in the music this year,” Freeh explained later. “We want to respect that, and unfortunately the Ramones either didn’t get the memo or didn’t care. It’s all good now.”

When awakened on Wednesday and told of the attempted bombing, Sharif personally thanked his security chief Khan I. Singh and the members of his Sikh praetorian guard. “They’re the best in the business, baby,” an animated Sharif told reporters later. “If Muammar had listened to me, he’d still be president of Libya.”

“In fact, he only time that idiot ever listened to me was when Faith and I suggested the Gaddafi line of blue jeans — which by the way were a huge hit in the West and still quite collectible. I saw a few pair at the Treehouse this weekend — they’re made entirely from recycled hemp.”

Despite the thwarted attack, the event was marred, as usual, by a celebrity death. Because the chariots traditionally used in the Bacchanal chariot race had been impounded by police as evidence in the Bobberhead Lodge investigation, organizers adopted an idea proposed by Hank Williams Jr. to use tractors, which Williams called “farm chariots,” instead. After rounding turn three at the Centennial Park Hippodrome, the Ghost of the Ghost of Biggs and Williams were “Tokyo-drifting” their tractors when Bocephus’ street-modified Massey-Ferguson 1135 spun out of control and ran over honorary flagman Jason Aldean. Aldean’s death was ruled a suicide. There are no current plans to reanimate the singer, although Bakers’ PR maven Faith Popcorn said, “We are keeping all options open.”

At 11 a.m. on Saturday, the Bacchanal began on schedule with the traditional “birth of Venus” reenactment at the Centennial Park Bandshell. Gwyneth Paltrow, who served as this year’s co-Grand Marshall with Berlusconi, performed the role of Venus, and rode in a chariot driven by Kevin Bacon to the Parthenon’s west side, where emcee Haven Hamilton officially opened the event with the Pledge of Allegiance.

Bacon’s band accompanied Paltrow on several songs from her Country Strong film soundtrack, then they turned over the stage to Bacchanal first-timer Ted Nugent, who rocked the crowd with “Cat Scratch Fever,” “Free for All,” and “Kiss My Glock.” After the conclusion of “Wango Tango,” on which he was joined by Hank Jr., Nugent launched into a rambling diatribe against what he called “attempted world socialist domination” by league founder Dr. Jorgé Linardo and the “gay-future agenda” of Cambridge owner Dave the Animal.

As a chorus of boos was heard from the restless audience, Haven Hamilton — dubbed MC Partystarter by younger Bacchanal performers — stepped in and ushered Nugent offstage with the help of the Bubbas’ Fruit of Astarte security team. Hamilton took the mic and told the crowd that, while he agreed with many of Nugent’s views, “the Bacchanal is about the party party, not the political party.”

“I think that between the Sikhs and the Fruit of Astarte, we’ve proven to the city that we can police ourselves,” Sharif told members of the local FOP gathered at Rotier’s for one of the many Bacchanal kickoff luncheons. “In fact, we’ve proven ourselves as judge and jury, too. Public hangings and the like have always been a part of our tradition. Of course, we frown on contributing to the deaths of participating celebrities — with the exception of Aldean maybe, and of course the periodic sacrifice — it’s hard on booking.”

With that, Hamilton welcomed the day’s first reanimated performer, legendary Chicago bluesman Willie Dixon, joining Dixon and his All-Stars on “Wang Dang Doodle.” Soon after, Hohenwald resident Jim Morrison made it a trio for “Back Door Man.” The crowd roared as Hamilton screamed, “The men don’t know, but the little girls understand,” and as he had promised, the party was on.

200 x 2 Daddies, Dogs explode into championship

Atlanta's Lex Dominica (left), who has three championship rings, and East Nashville's Jim McMahon, who has two, meet in the 2011 NFFA title match.


By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

NASHVEGAS—The Atlanta Smack Daddies, defending NFFA titleholders, and the East Nashville Black Dogs, champions of the Jorge division, will meet in this weekend's championship game after both teams topped 200 points on their way to decisive victories over their opening-round opponents.

Prior to last weekend, there had never been even one team to score 200 points in a playoff game, but the Smack Daddies and Black Dogs stunned The Village Green and the Corsairs respectively, the two teams tied for the best regular season record with 10 wins apiece. The Daddies torched number-one-seeded The Green 204.5-145, while the Dogs mauled the Corsairs 207-168.

In all, four teams scored 200 or more points this season, the most since 2007, when five teams topped 200 a total of seven times. It was the first time in team history that a Smack Daddies team scored 200 points. For the Black Dogs, it was the franchise's seventh time to score 200 or more, which is most in league history. The Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs and 12th Avenue Bakers also hit 200 this season — in a game against one another. The Sea Hogs prevailed 208.5-200, making the Bakers the only team to ever score 200 points and lose.

In all, there have been 18 200-point games in league history. The Alamo Scouts/The Village Green is the only franchise who is not a member of the 200-point club. The West Nashville Beelzebubbas are the only franchise never to have had 200 points scored against them. Here is the complete list of 200-point games:

The 200-Point Club
1. West Nashville Beelzebubbas, 233.5 points (2007, week 2 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
2. Cambridge Animals, 231.5 points (2008, week 10 vs. Midtown Mojo)
3. East Nashville Black Dogs, 231 points (2006, week 10 vs. Alamo Scouts)
4. 12th Avenue Bakers, 227 points (2007, week 9 vs. Alamo Scouts)
5. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 220.5 (2010, week 4 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)
6. Midtown Mojo, 218.5 points (2010, week 14 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)
7. Midtown Mojo, 217.5 points (2007, week 7 vs. Alamo Scouts)
8. East Nashville Black Dogs, 215 points (2005, week 3 vs. Alamo Scouts)
— East Nashville Black Dogs, 215 points (2007, week 6 vs. Cambridge Animals)
10. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 214.5 points (2007, week 12 vs. Alamo Scouts)
11. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 208.5 points (2011, week 2 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)
12. East Nashville Black Dogs, 207 points (2007, week 4 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
— East Nashville Black Dogs, 207 points (2011, week 15 vs. Corsairs)
14. East Nashville Black Dogs, 205 points (2009, week 5 vs. Animals)
— Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 205 points (2007, week 7 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
16. Atlanta Smack Daddies, 204.5 points (2011, week 15 vs. The Village Green)
17. East Nashville Black Dogs, 201 points (2005, week 6 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)
18. 12th Avenue Bakers, 200 points (2011, week 2 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)

JUST WIN, BABY! Hogs, Dogs winningest NFFA teams since 2004

Jim McMahon, shown above at yesterday's media event to kick off the
2011 NFFA playoffs, has averaged just over nine wins per year in the

regular season during his seven years as Black Dogs head coach.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

In the NFFA's eight-year, playoff era, the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs have 72 regular-season wins and the East Nashville Black Dogs have 70, making them the two winningest franchises during that period. Not surprisingly, amidst all those wins, they each won a pair of championships.

Although they have as many losses as they do wins over those eight years, defending champions the Atlanta Smack Daddies also have won a pair of rings, and like the Dogs, are in the hunt for a third title in eight years beginning this weekend. The Hogs are out of the championship playoff round this season after losing the points tiebreaker to the Daddies for the final wild-card berth.

In his seventh year at the helm of the team from East Nashville, Jim McMahon has never had a losing campaign, compiling a regular-season record of 65 wins and only 33 losses, including a perfect campaign in 2008, and winning six division titles and two NFFA crowns. With all due respect to DTA, the man formerly known as McMizzle is the most successful coach in NFFA history.

The league didn't split into two divisions and hold postseason playoffs until its third season. The West Nashville Beelzebubbas won the first NFFA championship in 2002 and the Smack Daddies won the second in 2003. The table below shows how each franchise has fared in the regular season since then.

* Championship season

** In 2004, The Corsairs franchise was known as the Southall Block Rockers. Under new ownership in 2005, the team was known as the Franktown Silverbacks. In 2007, new ownership renamed the team the Midtown Mojo. In 2010, the same ownership renamed the team The Corsairs.
*** The Village Green franchise is under new ownership as of 2010 and was formerly known as the Alamo Scouts.

THIS IS IT! Two teams in, four more vie for final two spots

Mojo D's Corsairs team could nail down the No. 1 seed this weekend.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

What is known about next week's NFFA championship playoffs:

• Bitter rivals the Corsairs (9-4) and The Village Green (9-4) are assured of berths in the postseason title chase, the only thing in doubt is their seeding.

• The 12th Avenue Bakers (2-11) and Cambridge Animals (5-8), who meet this weekend at Grey Goose Stadium in a contest that has been dubbed "The Curse Bowl," are out of the chase for an NFFA ring.

• The four remaining franchises — defending champs Atlanta Smack Daddies (7-6), East Nashville Black Dogs (6-7), Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs (7-6) and West Nashville Beelzebubbas (7-6) — all are still alive for the final two spots in the championship bracket.

How the playoff scenarios break down:

• Either the Corsairs or The Green will be the No. 1 seed. If The Green win this weekend against the Sea Hogs, they will be win the Linardo division and get the No. 1 seed — even if the Corsairs win — by virtue of a sweep of their head-to-head matchups. The Corsairs would get a wild-card spot and be seeded third. If the Corsairs win this week against the Smack Daddies and The Green lose, the Corsairs will win the division and be the No. 1 seed, and The Green will get the wild-card berth and No. 3 seed.

• The No. 2 seed will go to either the Beelzlebubbas or the Black Dogs, who meet this weekend at the Dawg House in the East Nasty. The winner of that game will capture the Jorge division title, and the loser will be relegated to the consolation bracket. The Beelzebubbas could become the first team other than the Black Dogs and the Animals to wear the Jorge division crown. The Dogs' streak of sixth consecutive non-losing seasons is on the line.

• The Daddies and Hogs are currently tied for the final wild-card berth. Since they split their two games during the regular season, if they both win, the team with the highest number of total points will get the final wild-card spot and the No. 4 seed, which means they will face the top-seeded team in the first week of the playoffs. Atlanta currently leads Fidalgo Island by 21 points.

The 411 on "The Curse Bowl" between 12th Avenue and Cambridge:

Regardless of whether they win or lose, the Bakers will have the first pick in the 2012 NFFA draft and the Animals will pick second. Beyond that, the regular-season finale between these blood rivals is just this side of Armageddon — the final showdown between Shiva and Nancy, a game that threatens the league's very existence. Considering the history of this league, what a fitting way to celebrate the close of its 10th season, with life on this planet itself hanging in the balance.

OH MY GOODY!Owner of The Village Green accidentally reanimated at Bacchanal VIII

Village Green owner Dave "Goody" Goodridge at Centennial Park
Saturday seven hours before his tragic mishap.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

NASHVEGAS—Goody Goodridge, owner of The Village Green, was accidentally reanimated when paramedics from QCurl Sharif’s Zombie Corral operation in Howenwald, Tenn., mistook him for dead Saturday at the eighth annual Bacchanal to the Future at Centennial Park, the AWP has learned.

According to one eyewitness, Goodridge was lying in a massive pool of his own puke inside the vomitorium and seemed to be lifeless. Word spread inside the VIP lounge that there was a dead man in the vomitorium and the Howenwald paramedics were sent to investigate. Believing the owner to be deceased, they hauled him on a stretcher to their mobile reanimation van parked outside the Parthenon where he was given a “new” lease on life.

It was only after performing the procedure that they realized they had made a horrible mistake which resulted in a partially zombified Goodridge.

One of the paramedics, Lester Gravely, said they considered killing him and reanimating him again. “Aw, Jesus, the guy was a total mess,” Gravely said. “He was half yuppie, half zombie. Talk about mentally challenged.”

East Nashville Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon said he had noticed the owner incapacitated in the vomitorium and tweeted about it. “He looked half dead at that point,” McMahon recalled. “What I noticed initially was there was a guy lying on the floor wearing a vintage Village People T-shirt that was streaked with vomit, then I noticed it was Goody. I hadn’t realized that the Village People were the inspiration for his team.”

Neurological expert Dr. Brian Cutler said it is too early to tell the lasting effects on Goodridge as a result of undergoing the reanimation procedure. “The prognosis is not rosy, to say the least,” Cutler acknowledged. “It will take Mr. Goodridge years at best to regain any semblance of normalcy.”

More on this story as it develops.

Yesterday in the NFFA BACCHANAL I OH WHAT A TRIP!

With the Parthenon in background, Ronee Blakley performs
during the first Bacchanal to the Future in 2004.

Editor's note: The following is the second in a series of articles which revisit past NFFA Newswire coverage of significant events in the history of the league. This week, we commemorate this weekend's eight annual Bacchanal to the Future with a look back at our coverage of the very first Bacchanal.

BEELZEBUBS, BAKERS PLAN BACCHANALIA TO THE FUTURE

By Faith Popcorn
12th Avenue Bakers
11/24/2004 2:18:00 p.m.

The West Nashville Beelzebubbas and 12th Avenue Bakers have announced plans to wear vintage "throwback" uniforms for their big crosstown rivalry game this weekend.

Bakers' marketing minx Faith Popcorn revealed the uniforms, modeled by Steve McNair of the Bakers and Terrell Owens of the Beelzebubbas, at a press conference this morning. The most striking difference is that the uniforms will include the padded, facemask-less helmets worn by players in the 1930s. "We're getting back to manly football," Popcorn said.

Popcorn also announced one other notable uniform change for this week. At the request of Atlanta Smackdaddies' TE Alge Crumpler, the Beelzebubbas and Bakers will wear specially designed "Buddy's Buddies" patches on the seat of their pants. "The players and owners wanted to find a visible way to show that they are thinking about Coach Ryan and miss him," Popcorn said. She added that she did not know whether the teams would continue to wear the patches once they switch back to their contemporary uniforms.

In conjunction with the uniform change, the Bakers and Beelzebubbas will hold a massive Bacchanalia to the Future event at the Parthenon in Nashville. "We are expecting to be monetarily penalized by the league for unauthorized uniform changes," said Bakers owner G.Q. Denney in a statement. "So we're asking fans to bring donations to the party to help defray our fines." Any excess funds will be donated toward the Buddy's Buddies Foundation.

"It's going to be a real, old-fashioned Roman saturnalia," explained Popcorn, "such as has not been seen in Nashville since the last time Antonin Scalia was in town years ago. Mr. Denney says it's time to put the D back in debauchery."

Among the planned activities at the bacchanalia/wine kegger will be a "Goat's Head Ball" in the Parthenon's main room around the massive statue of Athena. An audience-participation reenactment of Mithraic cult rituals is planned for the lower level, along with showings of Fellini Satyricon ("for the artsy-fartsy crowd," said Popcorn). Along the northwest side of the building, organizers will set up what is believed to be the world's largest outdoor vomitorium for revelers who overindulge.

The gala also promises to be a star-studded event. A stage set up on the southwest side of the Parthenon will host performances by Ronee Blakley and Henry Gibson, who appeared there in the movie Nashville in 1975. Gibson, reprising the role of Haven Hamilton, plans to sing patriotic duets with Beelzebubbas' GM Jorge Linardo, with both men wearing matched Nudie suits for the occasion. Also scheduled to appear, though unconfirmed as of Wednesday morning, are Steven and Liv Tyler, Marilyn Manson, Alice Cooper, AC/DC and the surviving Village People. Local restaurateur and bon vivant Mario Ferrari will serve as emcee in the role of Dionysius, wearing a costume of his own design.

"We just wanted to do something to bring the community together in a spirit of love," said Beelzebubbas coach/owner Boyd X. Biggs. "There has been too much rancor in this league and not enough fun. In fact, a lot of players have been complaining that NFFA stands for "No Freakin' Fun Allowed." So as GQ likes to say, "We're just gonna let our freak flags fly."

In confirmation of a rumor that spread wildly around the city Wednesday, Popcorn acknowledged that the Beelzebubbas and Bakers are considering benching their entire rosters and allowing the game to end in a 0-0 tie, to symbolize how much they miss the sideline presence of Ryan. While admitting that no final decision is expected until just before game time, Popcorn emphasized that this is only one option under consideration. Another possibility, she said, is that the teams will start only those players who agree to take part in a "Gay for the Day" program as a show of solidarity with the league's gay and lesbian players and coaches.

Although the event was announced just one day beforehand, ticket sales already have been what one Bakers' official described as "fevered." Long lines snaked around the offices of both teams Wednesday afternoon. A crowd upwards of 50,000 was expected for the bacchanalia, the official said.

3,000 ARRESTED AT BACCHANALIA; BIG GAME GOES ON

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports
11/26/2004 12:19:00 p.m.

More than 3,000 people — including 214 Metro police officers — were arrested yesterday at the inaugural 'Bacchanalia to the Future' event in Nashville's Centennial Park. The Bacchanalia, announced only one day earlier, drew an estimated crowd of 80,000.

Organizers said the event came off "pretty much as we expected, except for the cops." Almost all of the arrests, said a police spokesperson, involved charges of indecent exposure.

During the Goats' Head Ball in the main room of the Parthenon, some party goers began removing their clothes, which started a chain reaction, witnesses said. "Within 10 minutes there must have been several thousand people running naked in the park," said Rock O'Kane, Chief Legal Counsel for the 12th Avenue Bakers. "Next to a pep rally I once saw at Texas A&M, it was the damnedest thing I ever witnessed."

Police turned the Temple of Athena into a giant holding pen as they began arresting nude partiers, who appeared undeterred by the 40-degree temperatures. Efforts to book suspects were complicated by the fact that none were carrying identification. According to the police spokesman, some of those arrested identified themselves with names that included Ernest T. Bass, Devlin des Guyes, Barbara Bush, I. P. Freeley and Wun Hung Lo.

Further complicating efforts at crowd contral was the bizarre behavior of the more than 200 Metro police officers who had been hired to provide security for the event. Witnesses said that just after the mass streaking began, some of the officers also began taking off their clothes. Others began forming a human pyramid in an apparent attempt to reach the top of the James Robertson obelisk. Still others jumped into Lake Watauga and began swimming with the geese and ducks.

Police backup units had to be called in to arrest the officers. A department source, speaking on condition of anonymity, said many of the arrested officers believed that bottled water they had received from event staff had been spiked with LSD. Police detectives were looking into the charge.

Though his name did not appear in any police reports available to the media, two department sources said that Metro Police Chief Andy Serpas was among those arrested for indecent exposure. "You have to remember," said one source, 'that he grew up in New Orleans.'

Except for the mass arrests and police riot, the Bakers and West Nashville Beelzebubbas termed the event a huge success.

Though the teams considering benching their entire rosters yesterday, their game kicked off as planned, with the Beelzebubbas holding a 22-0 lead on Friday.

JOPLINS APPEAR AT BACCHANALIA

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports
11/26/2004 1:43:00 p.m.

Highlighting the star-studded entertainment lineup at Nashville's Bacchanalia to the Future celebration yesterday were what were announced to the stunned but exhilarated crowd as zombified resurrections of Scott and Janis Joplin.

Performances by the two Joplins (unrelated) had not been listed in the afternoon's entertainment schedule. At the end of the event, however, 12th Avenue Bakers owner GQ Denney took the microphone and said that he was pleased to introduce two of the most powerful musical influences upon his life. He gave no further introduction, but a person appearing to be Janis Joplin, moving very slowly, walked on stage and launched into soulful versions of "Another Piece of My Heart" and "Me and Bobby McGee."

While the audience was still applauding wildly after her mini-set ended, stage hands wheeled an upright piano onto the stage along with a person who appeared to area music writers to be composer Scott Joplin, who played a frenetic version of “Maple Leaf Rag.”

Then Janis reappeared with Denney, Leon Russell and Jakob Dylan, who together with Scott Joplin performed a rendition of the blues standard “Mystery Train.”

Other highlights of the extended concert, later dubbed “Deadstock” by a Rolling Stoned writer, included an acoustic duet of “Sweet Emotion” by Steven and Liv Tyler; a long set by the surviving Village People, and a surprisingly rocked-out version of “The South”s Gonna Do It Again” by Henry Gibson and Beelzebubbas” GM Jorge Linardo.

At the end of the show, Janis Joplin was joined by AC/DC as she sang lead vocals on “You Shook Me All Night Long.” The event concluded with all of the performers onstage to sing “Will the Circle Be Unbroken?” which provided the emotional highlight of the afternoon.

Asked later about the zombie performers, an inebriated Denney said that he was considering adding more members to the band and launching what he described as a “Grateful Undead Tour.”

CELEBS WEIGH IN ON BACCHANALIA

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports
11/29/2004 11:44:00 a.m.

Critical praise continued to pour in on Monday from celebrities and music journalists for the Nashville Bacchanalia”s Concert for Buddy.

The music spectacular, which featured an unprecedented combination of live and undead performances, left viewers and guests awestruck at times.

FSN Sports sampled some of the reactions, including what some of those in attendance regarded as the concert highlights:

• Leon Redbone and Jorge Linardo performing “Jesus Just Left Chicago” — Rolling Stoned magazine

• Parliament's performance of “Tear the Roof Off the Sucka” — Ron Wynn, City Paper

• (Tie) “Time Won”t Let Me,” by the Zombies and Outkast's cover of “Sympathy for the Devil” — Peter Cooper, The Tennessean

• Ronny Cox and GQ Denney on “Dueling Banjos” — Hank III

• Henry Gibson/Haven Hamilton with David Lee Roth covering “God Bless America” — Michael Moore

• Levon Helm and Jakob Dylan performing “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down” — Little Jimmy Dickens

• Ike Turner's performance of "Bad Moon Rising" — Leon Russell

• GQ Denney and Steven Tyler's duet of "Puff the Magic Dragon" — Keanu Reaves

After the concert, Denney said the Bakers are pursuing the possibility of expanding the team's zombification efforts and taking the Bacchanal on tour. Maybe it”s time to resurrect the Lollapalooza and Lilith concepts, Denney said. There are all kinds of possibilities. You could have Hank Williams and Bocephus together, Nat King Cole and Natalie, a non-surviving Beatles reunion. Jorge said he'd give his left nut to be able to perform “Break on Through” with Jim Morrison.”

In separate developments, police found what appeared to be a meth lab in a basement room of the Parthenon. “They've found weapons dumps in Iraq smaller than this sh--,” said one detective. Among the drug-making paraphernalia was a voodoo doll of the Beelzebubbas' Priest Holmes with needles protruding from its right leg. Holmes has been on the disabled list for three weeks. Police could not explain the presence or possible significance of the doll.

POPCORN FOUND; BAKER NATION BRACES FOR ANIMALS

By PR Dept.
12th Avenue Bakers
12/2/2004 6:47:00 p.m.

NEW YORK—12th Avenue Bakers marketing maven Faith Popcorn, missing since last weekend's Bacchanalia to the Future celebration in Nashville, has been found wandering Madison Avenue barefoot and confused.

Ms. Popcorn was spotted by the NYPD in a purple and black Beelzebubba's cheerleading outfit turned wrongside out as she attempted to steal a black standard poodle from a pedestrian. After a short foot chase, Ms. Popcorn was apprehended.

“We”re just happy she's safe,” said team owner Warren G.Q. Denney. “They say she's a little worse for the wear but doing well considering the fact that she was flown to New York in a large animal carrier.”

Baggage handlers at Kennedy Int'l Airport reported a disheveled woman running from the tarmac after the carrier fell from hold, disgorging her body. Popcorn has made one statement to the NYPD — “I am Haven Hamilton” — as she continues to be held for observation.

“We'd obviously like to get her out in time for the big game this weekend with the Animals,” said Denney. “I can”t help but think this was some form of payback by Jorge and Boyd X. — I hear thee my Dark Lord and I obey — for the thrashing they took — a barbed penis will do nicely yes — at our hands on Sunday. The soul is but one part of the man.”

Meanwhile, preparations were being made at Magna Circus Stadium in Nashville to host the league-leading Cambridge eleven. An overflow crowd is expected and hopes are running high in Bakertown with the playoffs within sight. Adding to the anticipation is the reopening of the Cherry Bomb Cafe on Saturday night, the club considered to be the spiritual center of the Baker Nation.

“We have a name for animals down here,” said Denney. “Critters.”

Breaking news DOGS DEAL RIVERS TO HOGS

So long to the East Nasty — the Black Dogs traded beleaguered
quarterback Philip Rivers to the Sea Hogs this afternoon.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY—After pulling off one of the biggest trades in NFFA history earlier today, East Nashville Black Dogs GM Buddy has made another big deal on the final day of trading, sending quarterback Philip Rivers to the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs for kicker David Akers and defensive lineman Jason Pierre-Paul.

In a press release announcing the trade, Ryan said, "Rivers just didn't want to be a Black Dog. I personally think all those years playing for the [West Nashville] Beelzebubbas poisoned his mind against us. Hopefully, he likes to eat Swinofish."

Rivers became expendable after Ryan traded for 12th Avenue Bakers backup quarterback Matthew Stafford early this morning.

BAKERS GET MORE 'NATTY DREAD' Sharif pulls trigger on blockbuster deal

(L to R) Larry Fitzgerald, Matthew Stafford and Steven Jackson were involved
earlier today in one of the biggest trades in the history of the NFFA.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

BAKERVILLE—In a move just hours before the NFFA trade deadline, the 12th Avenue Bakers and the East Nashville Black Dogs have made a trade that ranks as one of the most — if not the most — high-profile swap of players in the 10-year history of the league.

Early this morning, the league approved the trade which sends Bakers backup quarterback Matthew Stafford to the Black Dogs in exchange for wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald and running back Steven Jackson, who was a member of the Bakers from 2008-2010.

According to 12th Avenue PR maven Faith Popcorn, Bakers owner QCurl Sharif huddled with Coach Snoop Dogg at the Cherry Bomb Cafe late into the night, as the two team honchos had what Popcorn described as an "intense discussion" about the merits of the trade offered by East Nashville GM Buddy Ryan.

Reached for comment this morning prior to the team's practice, Coach Dogg said, "I knew if we didn't get more natty dread, we were [expletive]," an apparent reference to the fact that Fitzgerald and Jackson are two of the most prominent NFL players sporting dreadlocks.

The AWP caught up with Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon at the team's practice facility and he was grinning from ear to ear. "Do I need to say that the Dogs have a new starting quarterback?" he asked with a hearty laugh. "But seriously, I want to welcome Matthew to the team and ask that he please put fitty on the [Cambridge] Animals this weekend."

The trade appears to benefit both teams. Jackson is averaging 11.5 points per game, which is better than all the Bakers running backs except Michael Turner. Fitzgerald is scoring 10.9 points per game, which is more than any of the Bakers wide receivers except Devin Hester. For East Nashville, Stafford (39 points per game), brings stability to a position that has cost the Black Dogs two or three wins because of poor play.

CORSAIRS CLINCH PLAYOFFS In sole possession of lead in Linardo

GM Mojo D and Cee-Lo Green look on as Drew Brees and Jimmy Graham
team up to put an 80-burger on the suddenly hapless Sea Hogs.

By Soren Bernyn
Fantasy Sports Network

In a season where everything has fallen into place for the Corsairs, the pieces came together in Week 12 for what Coach Cee-Lo Green called “the perfecta of goodness.” The team’s 161-105.5 victory over their Linardo nemesis, the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, moved them to 9-3 and ensured the team’s first post-season visit since 2007, and gave them sole possession of first place atop the division on the heroic performance of the Drew Brees-Jimmy Graham battery. A jubilant GM Mojo D held forth with Cee-Lo for select media in a victory celebration at the uber-exclusive Sky Casino atop the NFFA Corsair.

Mojo D could barely contain his joy: “I don’t remember a week where every single NFFA game turned out the way I wanted. I’m so glad for my brother QCurl to have broken DTA’s curse, and for the Animals to beat the Bubbas: DTA knows why I know that is particularly special for him. Lex’s boys coming through to spank Goody’s candy ass was a huge boost for us; and of course to make the Sea Hogs our bitch this year is just the Corsair Moonshine-soaked cherry on the Corsair Triple Smoke Whiskey Sundae*, available at all the bars on the ship.”

One reporter asked Cee-Lo about the Corsairs’ poor statistical performance – 6th in scoring (by virtue of a scant 1-point differential with the new 7th place scorer Beelzebubbas), 7th in coaching efficiency, and over 50 points on the bench in week 12. DJ Shikoku Tikaka scratched a beat and Cee-Lo stepped to the mic: “You know the statistic I look at? The W’s, bitch — and there’s 9 of them in there for the good guys!! This one’s for you” and the band launched into his multi-platinum hit “F*ck You.”

After a brief set, Mojo D picked up where Cee-Lo left off: “ The win is everything in the NFFA — it doesn’t matter how you get there. William D Money is one crazy muthaf*cker, but he got one thing right: score more points than your opponent. I would add to that: I’d rather be lucky than good any day.”

Around the Linardo, Week 13 looms large — Corsairs face the Village Green, who have been at or near the top of the division since week 5, and according to Mojo D: “on my back like a pesky kid brother — it’s the one team we have not beaten this season, and we look forward to adding that scalp to our belt.” The Sea Hogs hope to end their skid against the Smack Daddies, who could still win out and make the playoffs.

In the Jorge Division, it appears only the winner will advance to the playoffs, so the Animals and Bakers look to continue their spoiler role, as the whole league looks at the Week 14 Curse Bowl and the Black Dogs-Beelzebubbas tilt for all the Jorge marbles. Regarding the Curse, Cee-Lo said "this [curse] shit and Shiva really freaks me out — I don't like messing with deities, so I'm glad that's all going down in the Jorge, man."

*Corsair Triple Smoke Sundae:

1.5 oz. Corsair triple Smoke Whiskey

2 oz. Eggnog

1 splooge whipped cream

1 Corsair Moonshine-soaked cherry on top