RYAN CALLS SHARIF A 'GRAVE ROBBER'

QCurl Sharif: World leader or grave robber? Buddy Ryan (inset) thinks the latter.


By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — Maybe East Nashville GM Buddy Ryan got up on the wrong side of the bed. Or maybe he was hungover. Whatever the reason, at his weekly press breakfast yesterday morning, Ryan went nuclear on QCurl Sharif and his 12th Avenue Bakers team.

"Am I the only [expletive] person who remembers that the so-called QCurl Sharif, media darling and would-[expletive]-be world leader, used to be G.Q. Denney, a worthless drug addict, mad scientist, and presumed grave robber," Ryan asked the blurry-eyed members of the media gathered at the East Nashville Shoney's across from the Dog House. "G.Q. robbed mother[expletive] graves! Are you following me here, people?" It has long been rumored that Sharif has a zombie corral in Howenwald, Tenn., where he reanimates the dead — usually deceased celebrities.

"And his teams used to set the [expletive] standard for futility in this league," Ryan continued. "He couldn't buy a [expletive] win, and believe me, he tried."

When asked why he going off on Sharif at this particular time, Ryan said, "If I had to give you all the reasons QCurl Sharif makes me puke, this press breakfast would run into the dinner hour."

When one member of the media asked if Ryan was just trying to get inside Sharif's head in advance of this weekend's game with the Bakers, he shuddered visibly at the thought, then said, "Jesus [expletive] Christ, now that would truly be a scary, [expletive] place to be."

For the remainder of the press event, the Black Dogs exec repeatedly referred to Sharif as "G.Q.," as if he might conjure up the losing spirit of the old Q.

Following the breakfast, this reporter was reminded that the bad blood between Ryan and Sharif dated back to the night of the Black Dogs first championship in 2005, when both men were arrested for streaking down Woodland Street. The GM claimed to have been drugged.

When asked for comment regarding Ryan's remarks, Bakers media maven Faith Popcorn said, "We're not concerned with the ravings of a convicted pedophile."

It should be noted that Ryan was not actually convicted of pedophilia, only arrested as a suspect.

CHAMPAGNE FOR BREAKFAST 2008 champs toast defeat of last unbeaten team

Frank Gore outside the Shoney's in East Nashville.


By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — Running back Frank Gore may have been too injured to suit up for the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs last weekend, but he was well enough to travel to East Nashville and drink champagne for breakfast with Black Dogs GM Buddy Ryan earlier today.

Gore, along with 15 other members of the 2008 Black Dogs team which went 16-0 including Chris Johnson, Brian Urlacher, Ted Ginn Jr., and Matt Shaub, joined Ryan at his weekly press breakfast to toast the loss suffered by the NFFA's last unbeaten team, the West Nashville Beelzebubbas. The 'Bubbas' loss to the Sea Hogs means the 2008 Dogs will remain the only undefeated team in league history — at least for one more season.

"I don't care what [Sea Hogs owner Tirik] Obobber thinks about it, I had to be here," Gore said, in between sips of Dom Perignon. "We went 16-and-0, mother[expletive]. Do you understand what I am saying? 16-and-[expletive]-0. That's why I will always be a Black Dog at heart.

"But that is meant as no offense to Dr. Linardo, who embraced me like a son during my two seasons as a member of the Beelzebubbas," he quickly added.

A number of current members of the East Nashville team who were part of the 2008 squad also attended the weekly breakfast at the Shoney's near the Dog House, including Tony Romo, Patrick Willis, Greg Jennings, Jared Allen, Terrence McGee, Maurice Jones-Drew, and injured cornerbacks Leodis McKelvin and Josh Wilson.

"Well, [Black Dogs coach] Jizzle [McMizzle] thought we should do it, and it sounded like a [expletive] good idea to me," Ryan explained. "I like getting [expletive] blotto at breakfast."

"It just seemed like the right thing to do," McMizzle added. "After all, these guys made history."

But several of the 2008 Dogs gave the credit to McMizzle. "Jizzle showed us the way to the promised land," said McGee, who has been a member of the Black Dogs since 2005, McMizzle's first season as head coach. "A lot of people in the NFFA call themselves geniuses, but Jizzle actually is one."

In other Black Dogs news, Ryan announced that he and McMizzle will wear pink for the entire season, not just the month of October. "That was another of Jizzle's ideas," he said. "According to him, pink is the new black."

CHAMPS REELING AFTER ‘LOST WEEKEND’ Sea Hogs, West and Fans’ Animals Take Bite Out of Black Dogs

Kanye West arriving at the Dog House to sing the national
anthem. Could that be QCurl on the phone?

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

(Editor's note: The publication of this story was delayed because of a cyber attack launched against FSN on Sept. 24.)

EAST NASTY — It was a dark and stormy weekend in East Nashville. And no one had forecast that events would conspire to rain on the parade of the defending NFFA champion Black Dogs.

The Black Dogs’ home opener was to be a time for marking the team’s unprecedented 16-0 season, with the traditional “running of the black dogs,” the awarding of championship rings, and the presentation of the NFFA Championship Trophy (the Money Cup) by league Commissioner Bill Money.

It would be a gross understatement to say things didn’t go as planned. First, the Black Dogs received their first loss in 18 games — and their worst loss in three years — at the hands of their hated rivals, the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs.

Then, during the trophy presentation at halftime, singer Kanye West, who had performed the national anthem before the game, rushed onto the field, took a microphone from Commissioner Money and shouted, “This trophy rightfully belongs to the greatest team ever, the 12th Avenue Bakers!” A befuddled GM Buddy Ryan, who was to accept the trophy, was left speechless.

As the contest ended, Sea Hogs fans attempted to cross the roped-off section within Black Dogs Stadium where they had been confined in hopes of avoiding the attacks by black dogs at last year’s game that sent over 100 visitors to local hospitals. This time, numerous Sea Hogs fans received strong electrical shocks from an invisible fencing system that East Nashville team officials said had been erected to keep dogs out of the area. The officials claimed to be unaware that the tickets allotted to Fidalgo Island fans had been coded to receive a jolt if the ticket holders attempted to cross the fence line. “We are looking into the possibility of sabotage by a fellow NFFA team,” said one official on the condition of anonymity. Fifteen Sea Hogs fans were treated for injuries at the stadium’s first aid station.

As a final insult, Ryan was set upon by a pack of black dogs let loose by irate East Nashville fans who waited for the general manager to attempt to reach his car after the game. “Buddy ran his mouth all week and made our team look sick,” said one fan, “so we sicced our dogs on his ass.” Ryan’s clothes were ripped, and he received one gash deep enough to require stitches but sustained no serious injuries.

After winning the division four years in a row, the Black Dogs entered week three in the uncharacteristic position of last place in the Jorgé division, behind the 2-0 Bakers, Beelzebubbas and Animals. “We’ll be back,” vowed Ryan at his weekly media breakfast at Shoney’s.

“The Greeks had a word for this — chutzpah,” observed Mojo D, who spoke briefly with this reporter as he entered the Jojo-a-Go-Go to attend a charity event. “You could see it coming.”

THE STREAK IS OVER !!!

Streaking Sea Hogs fans celebrate victory over the Black Dogs and the end of the Black Dogs 17-game winning streak.

The Streak Is Over!!!

By Bill O'Really, FAUX NEWS

FIDALGO ISLAND -- "The Streak is over!!!" This is what Sea Hogs fans are shouting as they approach Sea Hogs' SPRINT Stadium after running naked through the streets of beautiful Fidalgo Island to celebrate their stunning defeat of the top-ranked East Nashville Black Dogs and the end of the Black Dogs 17-game winning streak. As soon as the game ended, FISH fans left their TV sets, shed their clothes, ran from their homes, and sprinted to the Sea Hogs' home field in a spontaneous show of joyous emotion to support their team and its accomplishment.

The Sea Hogs trounced the Black Dogs this weekend 197 to 110 in a road win that will go down in history as one of the greatest upsets of all time.

It was a commanding performance by the Sea Hogs on both sides of the ball. The Sea Hogs' offense scored more points than any other NFFA team this season and its defense held East Nasty to what will probably be its lowest point total of the year.

The Sea Hogs were lead by QB Peyton Manning, who scored 42 points, and by RBs Frank Gore and Darren Sproles, who scored 35 and 32 points respectively. Many believe that Gore's outstanding performance was motivated by revenge due to the fact that the Black Dogs' GM Buddy Ryan did not renew Gore's contract at the end of last season, allowing the Sea Hogs' owner Tirik Obobber to pick him up. Gore denied any such motivation, stating, "We're just good, dude!" He then added, "Hey Buddy, welcome to the L bracket."

But the highlight for the Fidalgo Islanders was the termination of "The Streak," the Black Dogs 17-game winning streak which began after the West Nashville Beelzebubbas defeated the Black Dogs in the NFFA playoffs two seasons ago. The Black Dogs went undefeated last season and won the NFFA Championship for 2008. The Sea Hogs' victory this weekend also put an end to the Black Dogs' 22 consecutive regular season victories.

It's now back to the drawing board for the Black Dogs, who are 1 - 1 for the season and have a one-game losing streak. The Sea Hogs are also 1 - 1, but have a one-game winning streak.

It should be noted that after reaching the stadium and celebrating their victory, the Sea Hogs fans were greeted with news that Leader, the chief mascot of the Black Dogs, had lost the use of his back legs. The fans huddled in a circle and prayed for Leader and his speedy recovery.