BACCHANAL HEADS TO GROOVY LONDON

Wings over London: Bacchanal 2016

By Man Ray Natural

The Mainline Dope

LONDON—In what is proving to be a season of strange parity in the NFFA — the entire league is separated by three games, top to bottom — the London Bakers find themselves in second place of the Jorge Division at 6-6, boasting a 3-1 record within the group. Yet, according to owner QCurl Sharif and coach Snoop Dogg, it is more about doing the right thing than winning a trophy.

"Of course, we want to hoist the ultimate prize here in Trafalgar Square," Sharif said in a rare London sit-down. "But, we moved here because it sends a signal to the new pending American administration. Trump had not been elected when we made the decision, but a night with my closest advisers, along with mushrooms, mescal, and a gentleman's touch of peyote, made it very clear we needed to leave.

"Snoop and I have often spoken about championships and what they would mean to the long-suffering Baker Nation, now a global entity, but we have always placed more emphasis here on championships of the heart. Hell, we may not even make the playoffs after the next two weeks unfold, but I feel that if we stand up to the president-elect — and commission some underground artwork of father-son-daughter-animal kingdom imbroglios — while bringing that NFFA money over here, well, it makes a strong statement. Things aren't perfect here, but I think most present at least believe in science."

As excitement builds for this year's Bacchanal, markedly pronounced since the West Nashville Beelzebubbas have ceded the home field in Nashville and traveled to London for the game, the sense in the old city is that something special is taking hold. The Bubbas made the call to travel to London for the match, and to show solidarity with the Bakers' anti-Trump stance. As an aside, there is rumor that Bakers consultant Sepp Blatter has made overtones to the commissioner about moving the entire league to Europe in 2017 until the hound is driven.

Last year's holiday classic between London (then 12th Avenue)  and West Nashville was almost abstract in its reporting. Arrest reports were not made public, and event and celebrity news was largely covered through a myriad of social media and fake news sources. There is no doubt, though, that the growing British fanbase is getting into the spirit of the rivalry.

"We are looking into a David Bowie tribute thing, possibly, and the Rolling Stones have confirmed," said XY Chrome, a London party fixture who has been hired by the Bakers to assist in event organizing. "But, primarily we want nudity of all kind. Spiritual and physical. We will cordon off Trafalgar Square beginning Friday night and prohibit clothing of any sort. We want to get back to the Bacchanal basics of love that drove this thing in the first place. Our own British Luckenbach, Texas, if you will. Though we don't want any rednecks — just red genitalia. Well, I guess that's a little limiting. We want a red smorgasbord of body parts.

"Of course, the Integrity Dinner will kick things off, and I understand Mr. Poroschenko has a chocolate creation that will speak to the downside of the new world populism sweeping the globe. Not to let the cat out of the bag, but I think it involves a bare-chested Vladimir Putin riding a certain president-elect bareback in dynamic composition. And, as always, it will be an entirely edible piece."

Officials have noted that kickoff Sunday should take place as the party rages, and the game is a complete sellout, even on such short notice. Ticketholders will be allowed certain special Bacchanal access zones following the game and 1,000 lucky fans will be randomly afforded a throwback Purple Owlsley acid trip by simply licking the back of the tickets, themselves. Everyone who licks the ticket will walk away with an indigo stain on the tongue, affording them access to the exclusive party zones. Additionally, three more lucky fans will be fatally poisoned by the ticket and their bodies paraded as part of the Bacchanal festivities.