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| Saddam Hussein speaking at today's press conference. |
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports
In a revelation that stunned even jaded NFFA beat reporters Monday afternoon, Club Gitmo Sports Book CEO and Iraqi president Saddam Hussein announced that he was the new majority owner of the Village Green as well as other properties previously controlled by the family of President Donald J. Trump.
Around 4 p.m., after receiving phone calls just an hour earlier inviting them to a “media announcement,” journalists were met by the normally reclusive Hussein, who showed them a faxed copy of a contract, signed by Donald Trump Jr., turning over to Saddam the family’s majority stake in the Green.
The contract also gives Saddam sole ownership of the Trump-a-Go-Go night club (formerly known as the Goodrow-a-Go-Go) in Hillsboro Village.
According to several sources in the Trump organization, who spoke to FSN Sports on condition of anonymity because they feared retaliation, the younger Trump received a call from Hussein around 9 a.m. EDT. The sources played for one reporter a tape of the phone conversation, in which Hussein tells Donald Trump Jr. that, unless he agrees to sell him the Village Green franchise and night club for $100, then he will blot out the sun “from coast to coast today.”
“You can’t do that!” says the younger Trump, who is in charge of the family businesses while his father occupies the presidency.
“Watch me do it,” Hussein is heard to reply. “If I can do that to the sun, imagine what I can do to Trump Properties, inshallah. Your football team is a small price to pay.”
The time-stamp on the faxed contract from Trump read 2:31 pm EDT – just after the solar eclipse reached totality in NashVegas.
The sources inside the Trump organization said they tried in vain to convince Donald Jr. that solar eclipses are a natural phenomena and that “300 million Americans knew” about today’s solar event.
“He said he had watched Fox News this morning, and they didn’t say anything about a solar eclipse, so he was calling BS,” said one dumbfounded source.
Hussein said that, for now, he planned not to change the name or minority ownership of the Village Green, but that the night club would probably be rechristened as the Uday-a-Go-Go in memory of his late son.
Green minority owner Dave Goodrow was said to be vacationing in the New Jersey Pine Barrens and could not be reached for comment.
Near the end of his press conference, Hussein balked at a reporter’s suggestion that he had obtained the team by deceit and extortion — and that his acquisition might not survive a lawsuit that was sure to come. “Deceit, what is deceit?” Saddam replied. “All of football strategy since the Carlisle Indians is based on deceit.
“As for extortion, the old Saddam would have been flattered by that claim. But I am a businessperson. I paid $100 for the club and another $100 for the team. Maybe that is a favorable deal on Green Hills real estate – I don’t know that market so well as some – but I am told that three figures is more than fair market value for the Village Green.”
After starting to leave, Hussein returned to the microphone one last time to announce that, as the new owner, he planned to use the Green’s number one overall pick in the draft to select QB Marcus Mariotta.
“Do you think he is really worth a No. 1 pick?” a reporter asked.
“Of course not,” Saddam replied. “But we know we can turn around and trade him to the Bakers for their No. 1 pick for the next five years.”
As a few reporters chuckled nervously, Saddam, now on a roll, continued: “Want to know what Dr. Linardo did when I told him about Mariotta?” He cocked back his head and laughed silently.
“Adios, biotches!” he yelled with a wave as he left the room.
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