DISGRUNTLED BAKER FANS TORCH LOCAL EATERY
‘Death to Denny’s!’ Shout 12 South Militants
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network
In an apparent case of mistaken identity, or guilt by association, several hundred members of the Fedayeen Bakers Fan Club stormed and set fire to the last remaining Denny’s restaurant in Nashville Wednesday.
The attack came as the fans, increasingly distraught over the team’s most dismal start ever, continued to blame Bakers owner GQ Denney for their on-field woes. After the Bakers were crushed by previously winless Atlanta last weekend, the fans rallied outside the Islamic Center on 12th Avenue and began chanting, “Death to GQ Denney” instead of their usual “Death to the Great Satan America and the Li’l Satan Triki Bobber!”
Then, led by a man known as Sheik Jaboudi, a Kurdish cab driver described as the group’s “spiritual leader,” the Fedayeen Bakers caravanned to a Denny’s restaurant, demanded 100 Super Grand-Slam Breakfasts as an offering to impoverished Muslims, and then set fires inside after taking the food. The building was declared a total loss, and Denny’s corporate offices said there are no plans to rebuild.
“Because of the name,” said Nashville police chief Ronal Serpas, “they apparently thought Denny’s was owned by GQ. If there hadn’t been snipers from Blackwater on the roof of the Cherry Bomb, no telling what the mob might have done there.”
Amid the growing turbulence in the neighborhood, Denney appeared briefly on a balcony outside his penthouse residence at the café and announced that the Bakers would “pull the upset of the decade” against the heavily favored Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs on Sunday. (Team sources who demanded anonymity said the sentence featured the first words other than “Triki Bobber” that Denney had uttered in nearly two weeks.
The sources outlined a secret plan hatched by Denney to lead a “team retreat” at his Hohenwald compound, where he would force his players to drink a poisoned mixture of Kool-Aid and Grey Goose vodka, cryogenically preserve their bodies and then re-animate them in time for Sunday’s kickoff. “The idea,” the source said, “is to give the team a fresh start. He’s already planning to call it ‘Miracle on Ice II.” Other sources within the Cherry Bomb Café confirmed the outlines of this story. Denney was said to be resting and unavailable for comment.
