moments before she was showered with flaming banana
MOJO GM: 'WE HUNG BIGGS' SLAVE INITIAL BACK ON HIM'
Adds: 'We just want Jojo home.'
By Kimon Iwannalayya, Fantasy Sports Network
After a turbulent week for the Midtown Mojo and a thrilling win over West Nashville, GM Rosetta Stone hastily called a rare press conference Sunday night to call out Beelzebubbas' owner Boyd X. Biggs. "Now that the team has soundly hung Boyd B. Biggs' slave initial back on him, we are compelled to announce that we have clear evidence of Biggs' importing soccer hooligans from Chelsea into West Nashville, to do crimes that paint the Mojo as outlaws. Although there is not much past us morally, ethically, physically or otherwise, we draw the line at shaving dogs, assaulting old folks and crap-smearing churches."
Stone continued with a schadenfreude borne of vindication: "amusing as those juvenile antics are, we prefer to do our damage on the field — something you can see in this week's result. Apparently, that's lost on Biggs, who seems to focus more on the off-the-field machinations of this bunch of stupidly wealthy misfits, bad seeds, monomaniacs, junkies, punk-asses and the criminally insane. As far as Biggs' thinly veiled threat that 'someone wants to get cut,' we remind him of our own motto that 'you should really put that away before you get hurt.'"
Mojo Jojo: Out of Control in Vegas
Stone also addressed the recent reports of team mascot Mojo Jojo's aberrant behavior in Las Vegas and MIA status on Planet Mojo. It started at the MTV Awards a few weeks ago, when Jojo joined up with uber-skank Britney Spears for a few days of partying which culminated in her "performance" that was the talk of the media. Jojo egged on Spears to wear even less than she finally did, but as soon as the fallen pop starlet took the stage, Jojo made a beeline for the green room, where he latched onto Kanye West, whom he begged "to get me the hell outta here, Kanye — give a damn monkey a break!!"
Jojo hid out with West's posse, trying to avoid Spears' wrath. Since then, the mascot has been laying low at the Bellagio, with occasional forays into the casino and restaurants to watch his namesake team, but surviving mainly on the weekly case of Patron tequila that is part of his deal with Midtown. Recent benders included a relentless taunting of the Bakers and the "helpless GQ Denney — bless his shriveled, little black heart: he's doing the best he can," which was followed by six minutes of maniacal laughter. Week 2 found Jojo in a profanity-laced tirade at Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon, commissioner William D. Money, and most colorfully, "their butt-pirate Buddy Ryan." When asked if the league could expect a weekly episode from Jojo, he muttered "maybe — but not when we play the Sea Hogs: I do not mess with the criminally insane..."
But Week 3's reports of malfeasance on Planet Mojo outraged the evil giant monkey. When he heard about the reports coming off the NFFA Newswire Friday night, he descended from his suite to the Bellagio restaurant Le Cirque, where he loudly ordered Bananas Foster Flambe for all the guests in honor of "his worthy opponents, the Beelzebubbas." When the wait staff delivered the order to Jojo's table, he immediately sprang up on the table and hurled the flaming, alcoholic desserts around the restaurant, screaming incoherently about "putting Biggs' slave initial back on him." Six diners and eight servers were injured in the melee, and Jojo disappeared into a limo heading north.
When asked for comment, Stone replied "well, I guess this is what we get for our annual $500 license fee and a case of Patron a week. We are just anxious for Jojo to come home, get healthy and fulfill his damned contractual obligations to actually show up at the games." A reporter asked Stone about the reports that the Bakers' reportedly deceased mascot Mr. TD and Mojo Jojo share more than a species heritage, and she angrily screeched "this press conference is over, you f**king vulture!"
Franchise owner Mojo D — under the protection of his trusted Tin Hat Brigadiers "just in case Biggs crosses the line again," according to Stone — was holed up in an undisclosed, secure part of the Planet Mojo compound and unavailable for comment.
