the Air Force Dog crew prior to the team's departure for Fidalgo Island.
BLACK DOGS SET FOR RE-INVASION
Heavily armored McMahon readies for Fidalgo Island trip
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network
When East Nashville Black Dogs Coach Jim McMahon vowed at his weekly press conference that this week’s game against the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs would be “a war,” he evidently wasn’t kidding.
As the Dogs prepared to leave Nashville Friday, team players and personnel were issued bulletproof flak jackets and kevlar-coated helmets. In addition, sources say, McMahon persuaded GM Buddy Ryan to rent Humvees reinforced with armor plating, which will take the Black Dogs from the airport in Seattle to their team hotel (an undisclosed location) and, ultimately, to Sea Hogs Stadium.
At McMahon’s insistence, the Black Dogs’ private Boeing 747, dubbed Air Force Dog, will follow a corkscrew descent into Seattle, similar to those used by U.S. planes landing in Baghdad. Mine detection teams from the Blackwater private security firm will precede the Black Dogs on Fidalgo Island’s main road to sweep for improvised explosive devices (IEDs).
The extraordinary security measures appeared extreme to some, given that Fidalgo Island was invaded and occupied last December by U.S. Special Forces under the command of General George Washington Leornard. The troops met no resistance at that time, there have been no attacks since, and Sea Hogs owner Triki Bobber has not returned to the island.
“You have to understand,” said a Black Dogs’ source on condition of anonymity, “Mac wants to be prepared for anything. That’s the kind of coach he is. And you want to be doubly prepared when you’re going up against someone who has been certified as criminally insane.”
The Black Dogs-Sea Hogs rivalry game isn’t the weekend’s only match where violence is feared. Nashville police were on high alert for the West Nashville Beelzebubbas-Midtown Mojo game after knife-wielding youths from Midtown, all sporting the team’s colors, invaded a West Nashville neighborhood yesterday. Police said the gang members slashed the tires of parked cars, assaulted three people at a high rise for senior citizens, and smeared human feces on the doors of two churches. In the wake of the mayhem, Beelzebubbas’ Coach Boyd X. Biggs said at his weekly press conference that “Midtown is about to be annexed to West Nashville. And somebody’s obviously lookin’ to get cut.”
Meanwhile, in the 12 South District, Vatican emissary Giorgio Cardinal Leonardo announced that he would begin a public vigil of prayer and fasting for beleaguered Bakers owner GQ Denney. In seclusion and said to be heavily sedated since the Bakers fell to 0-2, with a dead-last power ranking of 3.5, Denney did not attend his team’s weekly press conference as usual. Instead, promised spokesperson Faith Popcorn, Denney would respond to media questions by e-mail. This correspondent, serving as pool reporter, collected and submitted 23 questions to Denney on Tuesday. On Wednesday morning, Denney replied in an e-mail with a cryptic, two-word answer — “Triki Bobber” — to each of the 23 questions. Popcorn said Denney would have no further comment until game time.
