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| Despite being on another team's roster, Christian McCaffrey has been named the new head coach of the West Nashville-New York Football Beelzebubbas. |
FSN Sports
In a move that appeared to stun longtime NFFA watchers, the West Nashville Beelzebubbas today announced that the venerable franchise will split its operations, effective immediately, between Nashville and New York City.
In a press conference in which no questions were allowed from the press, team president Meta World Death began by telling the assembled media: “Like a shark, we must keep swimming forward.”
Then, to audible gasps even from some team employees, who for national security reasons had not been told of the organization’s plans, Death announced that, “Swimming forward, we will be known as the West Nashville-New York Football Beelzebubbas.” The team, he said, would play half its home games in 2024 in Colt 45 Stadium and the others in a new facility in upper Manhattan.
The team’s headquarters, MWD made clear, will remain in Nashville. “We will always be West Nashville’s team,” he said. But there is so much demand for what we have here that it made sense to let New Yorkers experience some of what our fans here have always enjoyed.”
Flanked by league founder Dr. Jorgé Linardo and Club Gitmo Sportsbook Manager and Iraqi President Saddam Hussein, MWD said the team’s new second home, at W. 155th St. and Frederick Douglass Boulevard, was ready for the annual Tito’s and Thrill Dill Bloody Mary Mix Kickoff Classic, when the Beelzebubbas host the London Bakers in a game that is widely regarded as the official tone-setter for each NFFA season.
The site, just across the East River from Yankee Stadium, adjoins the old location of New York’s famous Polo Grounds. In honor of that history, MWD said, and with sponsorship from the Linardo-owned Los Pollos Hermanos casual dining chicken franchise, the new Linardo Park is being dubbed “The Pollo Grounds.”
“Yes,’ Death said, “we’re not the first NFFA team to move beyond Nashville. Given the many assassination attempts on him, it made sense for QCurl Sharif, as the league’s moral and spiritual center, to make a clean break. Bur that led us to consider: Since there’s already a team in London, how could the greatest fantasy league in the history of the world not have a presence in New York?”
Since 2024 season tickets had already been sold, MWD said, ticket holders will receive full refunds and allowed to attend this year’s games in Nashville free. The team would also provide free transportation and lodging to New York for the “mini-Bacchanal” that now precedes the Kickoff Classic, and the first 40,000 to make reservations would receive tickets for the inaugural game against the Bakers.
Meanwhile, Death said, the team would also be opening a second Club Gitmo location to accompany the new presence in New York. Leveraging the Bubbas’ close relationships with First Nations tribes in Tennessee, the club signed an agreement to take over management of the Mohegan Sun Casino and entertainment complex near Uncasville, Connecticut. Under the agreement, the complex would be rebranded as Club Gitmo East and operate under Beelzebubbas’ management, while the Mohegan Tribe would retain a 49% ownership interest and a proportional share of all net profits.
Because the casino is on the Mohegan Reservation—“a key consideration for us,” MWD said—the property is not under the jurisdiction of the U.S. government.
Reporter Woody Larry attempted to shout out a question: “With your new club in central Connecticut, are you starting a turf war with the Cambridge Animals, like Nixon’s invasion of Cambodia?” At that point, the Beelzebubbas’ Fruit of Astarte security escorted Larry out of the room.
While journalists were absorbing the impact of this news and Larry’s removal, Death said, “I also have another announcement. Gentlemen?”
On cue, Beelzebubbas’ running back Christian McCaffrey and Coach Barry Switzer walked out and stood by the team owner.“Today, we’re announcing that our beloved field general, Coach Switzer, is moving to emeritus status, and we’re welcoming our new head coach, Christian McCaffrey.”
Seeing the confused look on reporters’ faces, MWD quickly added: “I remind you that there will be no questions, but I know what you’re thinking. McCaffrey will be playing for the Village Green this year. But that doesn’t mean he cannot also be our coach. He has always been a dual threat. He runs the ball and catches passes. He walks and chews gum. He can serve two teams at once. And this man probably has more integrity than any other player in this league who has not previously been with the Bakers.
“Let’s face it: This franchise is known for out-of-the-box thinking. Chris has never played for any other team. The Beelzebubbas are now part of his DNA, and Dr. Linardo regards him like the grandson he never got to have after his own son, Manuel, was tragically executed. So this was a way for Chris to stay part of the organization. He’ll have his own basement penthouse right here, next to Coach Switzer’s residence.
“And he has already given his assurance to our friend, Coach Stuart Smalley, that he will give the Green his utmost this season.”
With that, Death left the podium. Briefly taking the microphone, Saddam reminded reporters that the Club Gitmo Sports Book was open for business. “We’re happy to take your bets as usual, gentlemen, and don’t forget you can get odds on the Animals this year now that the Curse of the Champion has indicated he might issue a waiver on DTA. Also, this afternoon only, you can get the Bakers at 80-to-1.
And now, as Dr. Linardo says, ‘Adios, biotches!’”
Breaking: In other NFFA news, FSN has learned that Jim McMahon is returning to coach his old team, the East Nashville Black Dogs. In a brief phone interview, McMahon, who has been recovering from dementia after treatment at the LinardoClinic, said, “There’s a lot I don’t remember about those championship years. But at this point I’m looking forward, not backward, so when Mr. Money offered me the job, I immediately said, ‘Yes! What job?’
“No, no, just kidding! I’m a lot better now, and I’m eager to get back to owning the Sea Hogs and the Alamo Scouts.”
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