fighting the good fight in North Waziristan.
CUBAN, BIGGS JOIN FORCES
Audit gives 'Bubbas W over Hogs
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network
In a move that threatens to upset the current standings in the NFFA, FSN has learned that Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban has performed an audit of uncredited special teams points and found that the West Nashville Beelzebubbas deserve at least one more victory.
Cuban, who met Beelzebubbas owner Boyd X. Biggs at a “Craps for Cancer” charity event in Las Vegas last year, has flown to Pakistan to join Biggs’ Taliban safari hunt. “He said he was inspired by Biggs’ example,” said a Mavericks team official who requested anonymity. "And he already knew how Jorge Linardo had been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. I think he thought there was something to be learned from the Beelzebubbas organization. Plus, Mark has a passion for firing any weapons of 50 caliber or above.”
But FSN also has learned that Cuban has performed a detailed computer analysis of the NFFA’s points system, similar to the breakdowns of referees’ calls he applied to NBA games. Biggs had requested the analysis after Sea Hogs’ owner Triki Bobber had complained that points were not being awarded for tackles on special teams and turnovers, and that the omissions could affect the outcomes of games.
According to a source who saw Cuban’s presentation at Biggs’ command center in North Waziristan, Cuban determined that, in Week One, the Bubbas should have been credited with 32 additional special teams points, which would give them a 1-point victory over the Sea Hogs. The same audit found that the Sea Hogs deserved zero additional points.
Cuban’s analysis of Week Two determined that the Atlanta Smack Daddies should have received 15 additional points — all for special teams tackles and forced fumbles — while the Beelzebubbas should have been awarded nine extra points. The outcome of the game, won by more than 110 by the 'Bubbas, would not have changed.
Analyses of Weeks three and four, in which the Beelzebubbas lost two games by a combined total of five points, were incomplete as of late Monday.
“It is very possible that our team should be undefeated right now had Commissioner Money stuck with the old Sandbox system,” said Beelzebubbas spokesperson Maryjane Livingood.
The source in Waziristan who had seen the analysis said that, if the NFFA commissioner refuses to factor special teams tackles into the official league scores, Cuban might sponsor an alternate website of “fantasy” fantasy football scores to reflect what the Mavs’ owner called “justice for all in the NFFA.”
“Is it plausible to believe,” Cuban posted on a new blog entitled Fantasy Fairness, “that Money and Bobber, who have been friends longer than any other owners in the league, just happen to have the top two teams in the standings? We submit that it is not.”
Money, who has not been seen in public for more than a month, was unavailable for comment. At the Sea Hogs offices on Fidalgo Island, a person who identified herself as Fen Hue Park, the team ticket manager, said cryptically that the Sea Hogs would “take a wide stance” on the issue.
