BAKER RESURGENCE BELIED BY SHARIF'S PARANOIA

A photo from the war room at the One-Eyed Pig as QCurl Sharif organized a national anthem protest earlier this year. Recent reports cite Sharif's "full-blown paranoia."  

By Man Ray Natural

The Mainline Dope

LONDON—As the Russian probe into the Trump administration began to unfold Monday with the indictments and arrests of Paul Manafort and Rick Gates, and a guilty plea offered from aide George Papdopoulos, the London Bakers were in the process of nailing down a second straight win and doing their part to throw the NFFA's Jorge Division into a four-way tie.

While many in the Baker front office were celebrating that win over Atlanta in the states, owner QCurl Sharif was reportedly hunkered down and three days drunk in the infamous war room at the One Eyed-Pig in London. Reports have it that Sharif has become increasingly agitated over the past several weeks due to the Bakers' inconsistent play, and what some are calling 'full-blown paranoia' over the Trump investigation.

"He's really depressed," an unnamed source in the Baker organization said of the scene Monday night. "He's starting to think Poroshenko is glowing. Not that he's dirty, by any means, but all things considered with Sharif's well-known passion in Ukraine -- his heroism actually on the battlefield -- and his personal knowledge that politics are not always what they seem in that part of the world. There's been a shit-ton of money floating around there for some time now."

Reports of Sharif's erratic behavior in recent weeks have some in the front office on edge. In an alternately raging, tearful, postgame locker-room plea to his head coach and team following the tough loss to the West Nashville Beelzebubbas in Week Six, Sharif declared "don't fuck this thing into the ground!"

It was an unusually tense and candid scene according to one player, who described Sharif as "wild-eyed and naked" during the rant.

"It's not unusual in the sense that Sharif often comes in and showers with the team," the player, who also wished to remain anonymous, said. "What was unusual were the crazy mood swings and the fact that he menacingly presented himself around the room. I mean, some of our guys are men of faith, and the looks on their faces were so twisted, like they were watching the devil himself, dancing and screaming.

"When QCurl finally chilled down and went to the shower, most players just put on their clothes and headed for the bus. Like post haste. I did see Khalil Mack, and I think Brady and Snoop, go in there with him. When I left, they were back there singing old Gaelic fighting songs and QCurl just sounded really smashed at that point."

The Bakers stateside skid, which included losses to East Nashville, Downtown Corsairs, and the Bubbas, apparently left the fragile owner in shock. Sharif was unabashed in his taunting references to his own defense, while defending himself against the charges of increasingly erratic behavior. He spoke to reporters following the Black Dog loss.

"I've heard some of the reports of that locker room scene, and they couldn't be more inaccurate," Sharif said then, as sounds from The Band's The Last Waltz drifted through the fabled rumpus room at the One-Eyed Pig. "With the lone exception being my extreme drunkeness. And, if that offends, I can do nothing about it. I'm either drunk or high before, during and after every game. It's the Baker Way. I mean that Bubbas' loss was a culminating, crushing loss, and I was sharing heartbreak with my brothers.

"I want to live among men — walk with my head up among them — and these guys haven't resembled anything close, except in some aberrant physical characteristics. Our defense, once the fearsome banner under which the Bakers fought, is in tatters. And Keuchly — what a crybaby. I haven't seen that many tears since the Chocolate King pulled the candy-coated hookers out of Sepp Blatter's birthday party.

"It's not alright for our guys to walk around the streets of London in a genderless way. If I have to take this all back to Baker basics -- Baker bootcamp -- I will. Snoop remembers those days and no one wants to go there. I remember Bironas saying one day after practice back then, he felt like he'd been dry-humped by the whole team. And, actually, he had. He was just delirious. It's one of our drills."

But according to the unnamed source at The Pig Monday night, Sharif paid little attention to the game. Rather, he sat in an intense conversation with two unidentified men during Marcus Peters' brilliant night. The conversation reportedly lasted over three hours, with Sharif standing at one point and relieving himself into an empty silver bowl on a nearby table.

"We're all pretty worried right now," the source said. "We want to feel good about what's happening on the field, but wondering if there's any validity to Sharif's distraction. We've seen him strung out before, but this is different. Those guys he was sitting with seemed like they were holding some cards. Looked pretty medieval. Of course, could always be drugs. That's why we're sort of letting things play out. Could be nothing."