LYNCHED Cube fired midgame, RB Lynch named player coach, inspires victory

Marshawn Lynch, who led the Black Dogs to the 2016 NFFA title, was named player-coach of the team midgame this past weekend to inspire the team to their sixth win.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

Prior to the finale of the East Nashville-Fidalgo Island game last night, Black Dogs owner and U.S. Senate candidate Bill Money reasserted his control of the Black Dogs franchise and ordered the firing of head coach Ice Cube, the AWP has learned. It is the first time in league history a coach has been fired midgame. Former Black Dogs coach Marshawn Lynch agreed to be player-coach for the remainder of the game — and season. The man who led the East Nashville franchise to its fourth NFFA title a year ago spurred the Dogs to an improbable victory with an impassioned pregame speech.

According to a source within the Money for U.S. Senate campaign, Money was following Sunday afternoon's action from a hotel in Dyersburg, Tennessee, where he had a speaking engagement that evening at the local AME church. When Money realized longtime starting wide receiver Keenan Allen, who was having a career day, had been benched by Coach Ice Cube, he went ballistic. "When Bill realized Allen was not in the starting lineup, he let loose a string of profanity that would have made the devil blush," the source, who spoke only on condition of anonymity, said. "He was like, 'Goddamn mother[expletive], goddamn mother[expletive]! What the [expletive] was Cube thinking? That's it. He's [expletive] history. He's next-to-last in coaching efficiency and our [expletive] record shows it.'

"Later that evening, Bill got [daughters] Mo and Cash on a conference call and told them Cube had to go before the Monday night finish," the source continued. "He went on to tell them he wanted Marshawn to be player-coach."

Lynch agreed to become player-coach late Sunday evening, and awoke yesterday morning to find himself under twitter attack from President Donald Trump, owner of The Village Green.

Lynch said Trump's tweet made him "mad enough to run through a mother[expletive]'s face." By midday, his mother, Delisa Lynch, had jumped into the fray, calling on the league to suspend Trump for the remainder of the season. Earlier this year, the running back was photographed wearing a T-shirt that read, "Everybody vs. Trump."

Still steaming about Trump in the lead-up to last night's finale, Lynch gave his team a pregame speech for the ages — it was probably the most words the closemouthed coach has ever uttered in one sitting. At one point, Lynch was in tight end Jimmy Graham's face, telling him to make that "little punkass bitch Sea Hogs quarterback give you the damn ball, boss." At another point in the speech, he implored kick returner Tyler Lockett to "run through every mother[expletive]'s face when you get the rock." Stellar performances by Graham and Lockett sealed the victory, especially Lockett, who had 19.7 points in kick return yardage that provided the team's winning margin.

Apparently, Ice Cube wasn't too upset over his firing, as he was seen in the owner's box at The Dawg House last night, laughing and toasting champagne with the Money sisters as the team jumped out to what seemed like an insurmountable lead by halftime, but which turned out to be just barely enough to edge the visiting Sea Hogs. 

When asked to comment on the victory afterwards, Lynch would only say, "London's calling, and now it's about that ring, boss."