Bobber's impossible coaching efficiency rating.
BOBBER STRIKES AGAIN!
Sets own coaching efficiency rank at 111 percent as Cuban vows to press ‘War on Error’
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network
When the week six NFFA coaching efficiency rankings were initially released last Tuesday, league officials and media observers were startled to learn that one coach had taken perfection to a higher level — by 11 percentage points, to be precise.
The rankings showed that Sea Hogs owner/coach Triki Bobber had finished the week at an astonishing 111 percent — a mark that literally was too good to be true.
“We first suspected some kind of computer glitch,” said NFFA co-deputy commissioner Mo Money, who was appointed to the position over the weekend by her father. “Then, given the owner involved, we began delving further and found the system had been hacked. Only someone who is criminally insane could have pulled this off.”
The bogus coaching efficiency statistics were quickly corrected by the NFFA’s IT department by Tuesday afternoon. Meanwhile, Mo’s sister, Cash Money, who also became a co-deputy commissioner late Sunday, told FSN that the league would probably fine Bobber “somewhere in the low nine” figures. “And if we ever catch up to him in person,” Mo Money added, “we will cut out his pancreas with a pair of dull scissors.”
The harsh stance by the sisters, said NFFA officials who asked that their names not be used, reflects a new get-tough attitude by the league. “Dad’s hiding in the bunker like Dick Cheney on 9/12,” said one staffer. “Somebody’s got to take charge around here.”
The sisters have been so ruthless, another official added, that some in the NFFA Tower have begun referring to them as Uday and Qusay — an apparent reference to the sons of Saddam Hussein.
Reached at the Sea Hogs’ offices, ticket manager Fen Wei Park suggested that Beelzebubbas owner Boyd X. Biggs had been responsible for the computer hack in an “obsessive and criminally insane effort” to implicate Bobber. She cited Biggs’ own claims that he had penetrated the NFFA’s computers at the beginning of the season.
Even before Biggs, who was last reported in the mountains of North Waziristan, could be reached for comment, Black Dogs GM Buddy Ryan offered his own opinion about Park’s allegation.
“That’s horse [expletive],” Ryan said. “I spit coffee all over my secretary when I heard that [expletive]. First off, everybody knows Biggs can barely even use a computer, much less hack into a mainframe. I don’t care what he claimed. Only someone even dumber than Biggs would have believed it. Biggs’ idea of hacking into anything involves using a shotgun or a sack of hand grenades.
“Second off,” continued the outspoken East Nashville ex-coach, “everybody knows Bobber has a permanent hard-on to be the top coach in the league. It just fries his gizzard that he beat the Black Dogs but can’t win a championship or top Biggs in coaching efficiency. So he comes up with some computer fantasy [expletive] like this.”
When FSN reached the Beelzebubbas’ training camp via satellite phone, Biggs was said to be attending the ritual beheading of two Pashtun tribal elders and was unavailable for comment. However, this reporter spoke to Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks who is serving as special consultant to the Bubbas.
“This has Bobber written all over it in giant neon letters dripping with blood,” Cuban said of the ratings glitch. “It’s one more reason we have to continue the War on Error as well as the war on terror. If we let up for one nanosecond, Bobber wins.”
