BLEACH OF CONTRACT ???
By Bill O'Really, FAUX NEWS
NASHVEGAS — In a development that threatens to destroy the reputation of Commissioner Willie D. Money and the integrity of the NFFA, Alberto Gonzales, former Attorney General of the United States, confirmed rumors that he had been hired by Sea Hogs owner Triki Bobber to investigate alleged irregularities in NFFA scorekeeping. At a hastily convened press conference in Nashvegas, Gonzales informed league representatives and the public of the results of his intensive investigation.
Surrounded by men in black suits and others in white lab coats, Gonzales announced his findings that the NFFA's new league scorekeeper, FanStar Sports, LLC, had indeed failed to count the score correctly for several league games despite Commissioner Money's pre-season promises to team owners that FanStar would score league games the same way that SandBox had for the past two seasons. To the astonishment of reporters and onlookers alike, Gonzales further revealed that he had counseled Bobber to file suit against Money for, among other things, "bleach of contract."
Gonzales told the assembled multitude that Bobber had been assured "in writing" by Commissioner Money that scoring would remain the same under FanStar, but that the ink on the written contract had been erased through an elaborate scheme hatched by Money which involved sending Bobber a bleach-laced letter to destroy the ink on the original contract. According to Gonzales, Money was aware of Bobber's propensity to keep things organized (like most evil geniuses), and knew that Bobber would file Money's bleach-laced follow-up letter alongside the scoring contract, thereby allowing the bleach to perform its insidious task. Tests by CSI labs, whose lab technicians were in attendance, confirmed that traces of bleach were found on Money's letter which also bore his fingerprints.
According to Gonzales, FanStar is unable to keep up with points for tackles made by offensive players after a change of possession, tackles made by special teams players, touchbacks by kickers, and touchdowns scored by defensive players while playing an offensive position (and vice versa), all of which were routinely scored by SandBox for the past two seasons. Gonzales said Bobber was deprived of points in recent games for tackles made by Josh Cribbs on special teams and for a tackle made by WR Wes Welker after an interception in last week's game. Gonzales pointed out that, "With some NFFA games being so close, like the Beelzebubbas-Scouts game and the Animals-Mojo game last weekend, a point or two can make the difference in the outcome of a game and perhaps the league championship."
Gonzales told reporters that Bobber contacted Money to report these scoring discrepancies, as well as FanStar's failure to give the Atlanta SmackDaddies points for the touchdown reception made by LB Mike Vrabel while playing on offense, but Money gave him the brush-off. When Bobber went to his files to retrieve the Commissioner's written contract assuring that FanStar scoring would remain the same as SandBox scoring, Bobber discovered that the ink on the contract was gone.
Gonzales opined that FanStar's failure to count points for players like Vrabel and Welker (who make both offensive and defensive plays) violates the Equal Rights Act in that it discriminates unfairly against players who "go both ways." Gonzales said attempts to contact FanStar were unsuccessful as the company had recently moved its corporate headquarters to Dubai in the United Arab Emirates in order to avoid U.S. laws. Whether Commissioner Money might somehow be liable for this as well was not addressed by Gonzales.
According to Gonzales, he implored Bobber to file suit immediately by stating, "If this had happened to my former client, George Bush, he would have declared war and invaded, regardless of whether the offender possessed large oil reserves."
Bobber did not return phone calls before press time. He is believed to be assembling an armada that is heading down the west coast toward the Panama Canal.
