Boyd X. Biggs and his party deboarding a private jet at Nashvegas airport.
LINARDO FOUND ALIVE!
NFFA founder discovered in Islamic school?
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network
NFFA Founder and Nobel Peace Prize nominee Jorge Linardo is alive and well and in Nashville.
That’s the stunning news that FSN learned Thursday, in a development that is sure to reverberate across the league, if not the entire nation. Linardo disappeared in 2004 in the wake of the killer tsunami in Indonesia, where he was working to reconcile government forces with rebels in Aceh province. He was declared dead one year later.
Linardo arrived in Nashville Thursday aboard a chartered Russian Tupolev jet with Beelzebubbas owner Boyd X. Biggs, who flew in from Pakistan for this weekend’s NFFA Championship game. This reporter, tipped in advance of Linardo’s impending arrival, was at the deserted executive air terminal at Nashville International Airport at 3:20 a.m., when Linardo stepped onto the tarmac and granted FSN an exclusive interview.
Linardo refused to answer the most obvious questions about his disappearance and activities for the past three years. He simply said, “I don’t know. Amnesia.” Then he cocked back his head and laughed silently.
Then he added, enigmatically, “General [George Washington] Leonard knows where I’ve been.”
Biggs likewise refused to answer questions about how or where Linardo was discovered alive, saying only, “I’m in shock, and, besides, it’s classified.”
Beelzebubbas’ Director of Special Promotions Chuck Barris, who has been part of Biggs’ infamous Taliban Safari in Pakistan, said that his group received word of a white-haired Islamic teacher who was running one of the largest madrassas in the lawless Northwest Frontier Province. Because these Islam-only schools have become breeding grounds for Muslim extremists, Barris said, his group targeted the madrassa.
When they arrived, Biggs recognized Linardo immediately. According to Barris, Linardo had taken over the school and, after processing poppies imported from neighboring Afghanistan, had turned the school’s entire student population of 900 into heroin addicts.
“It’s brilliant,” Barris said. “Jorge was running a strategy to deal with potential terrorists by making useless junkies out of them. Have you read about all the drug problems they’ve been having in Iran? Jorge was an imam there for a year.”
Barris’ claims could not be independently verified on Thursday. The former host of the Gong Show has also claimed the he was once a paid assassin for the CIA.
During his brief interview, Linardo was more forthcoming about his return to Nashville. First and foremost, he explained, he had come to be part of a memorial concert at the Ryman Auditorium for Ike Turner, who died last week. The tribute, organized by GQ Denney, was personally important, Linardo said, because of his long-standing friendship with the singer. “I played drums for Ike—uncredited, by the way—on the very first rock-and-roll record ever made, “Rocket 88,” Linardo said. “Ike and I became like brothers.”
But Linardo also said he had come to help the Beelzebubbas, the franchise he established and ran as general manager before his disappearance, win a second NFFA title. The Bubbas won the championship in the league’s inaugural season.
“El Jefé,” as he was known throughout West Nashville, became most animated when asked about a letter he had purportedly written years ago in which Midtown owner Mojo D was labeled as a “wannabe punk” and compared to Vanilla Ice. East Nashville coach Jim McMahon made the letter public this week.
Linardo said he had no memory of writing any such letter. “Of course, that doesn’t mean I didn’t write it,” he smiled. But he said he never would have singled out Mojo D for criticism.
“Look,” he said, leaning forward, “Biggs is like a son to me. But none of my sons, let’s be honest, has been accused of having a brain powerful enough to cover much more than the involuntary functions.
“What Boyd lacks in smarts, he makes up for with violence. He did at least have the sense to get out of the way this season and go to Waziristan. That’s when the team took off. But Mojo was always smarter.
“As for Willie D. Money, he’s a total nancy. The NFFA has totally run amok since I’ve been gone. He can’t even keep one of the other owners from holding his daughters as slaves. If Triki Bobber had done that to one of my kids, he’d be eating one of his own body parts for breakfast every morning. What this league needs is a take-charge commissioner.”
Other than attending the Ike Turner tribute and the Beelzebubbas-Seahogs game, Linardo said, his plans were fluid. “Of course,” he added, laughing silently again, “back when the Cherry Bomb was open, my plans were fluid almost every night.” He said that he was considering Oprah’s request for a TV appearance and that he had a little “unfinished business” in Nashville to resolve. He refused to say whether he planned to remain in the city or return to parts unknown.
Linardo’s remarks left open a tantalizing possibility that he might return to his old position in the NFFA, or even move to oust Commissioner Money, who has not been seen in public in two months. But Jorge demurred when the question was put to him directly. “I already have a job to do,” he said. “On the other hand, I do miss the Bacchanalia.”
As the interview concluded, Linardo confessed that he longed for the “good old days” when he and Biggs would drink Cuervo Gold and watch “Scarface” over and over on DVD. “Say hello to my old friend Furious George for me,” Linardo said as he rose to leave. “Ask him if he still has his speedboat. I’d like to make the old Marseilles-to-Spanish Morocco run again for old times’ sake.”
