SHARIF IN LONDON SAFEHOUSE

Martha Stewart, shown here in an undated photo, has
reportedly struck fear in the heart of owner QCS.

By Man-Ray Natural

The Mainline Dope

LONDON — In an exclusive interview this past week at an undisclosed location in London, Bakers owner QCurl Sharif revealed the rumored turmoil in the team's front office, coupled with world events, has forced him into hiding.

He has not been seen at the One-Eyed Pig, nor the Treehouse in Nashville for two weeks. He claims his association with the Ukrainian government is the main reason, but those close to him say he is in fear of new Bakers head coach Martha Stewart, as well. Sharif does not deny either scenario.

"I've had to go underground on many occasions in the past, so this is not unfamiliar," Sharif said. "What's different is the Russians focused on me anew, and even more intensely than in the past--if that's possible. Zelensky has told me there's an elite KGB team that reports directly to Putin about me and the entire Bakers organization.

"Things had sort of chilled out after they tried to kill me in North Carolina, but things appear to have changed now. I have embarked on the Rasputin strategy in regard to poisoning--in that I'm titrating doses of every poison I can get my hands on currently, and hope to achieve near-full immunity before the season's out.

As for Sharif's relationship with Stewart, he's a bit more circumspect. Others who have worked with her in the past testify to a mercurial temper. Sharif has stated that her ability to control that temper, and her seemingly more mellow personna, played into the coaching interviews. Now, it may not be working out exactly as advertised. With the Bakers struggling at 3-4 as they play the Browns this week, the relationship appears to be taking up too much oxygen.

"Martha seems to have addressed some of our offensive woes of late, but we're shaky," Sharif said. "Normally, if this were Snoop, I would have broken bread, smoked a few blunts, and we'd sort through any team issues. Frankly, I've only had one conversation with her since the draft, so that's not good.

"And, she seems to have nurtured some undue influence with Faith [Popcorn]. They're together constantly. And, they're not spring chickens, either one --  I'm certain they're not talking about boyfriends ... for more reasons than one. So, that's been bothering me."

Anonymous sources have taken it further, reporting that Sharif is deathly afraid of Stewart, and her own knowledge of herbs and poisons, and has devoted a special security detail to her. It has also been reported that he and Snoop Dogg have been seen together at the One-Eyed Pig before Sharif went underground, raising questions about the former coach's future.

If the Bakers do not make the playoffs, Sharif would find himself in a difficult position, given the chilliness of his relationship with Stewart.

"Way too early to talk about that stuff," he said. "We have a team that is capable of turning it around. Snoop was in London, so nothing more to it than that. I will admit I miss him. I miss him and the exquisite grass and hash. There's no denying it played a key role in our historic runs these last few years.

"I thought about inviting him to go to Kyiv with me, but things are too hot for me at moment. Maybe later. He's been with me to Odessa before. Damn, I miss those days."