SHARIF IN LONDON SAFEHOUSE

Martha Stewart, shown here in an undated photo, has
reportedly struck fear in the heart of owner QCS.

By Man-Ray Natural

The Mainline Dope

LONDON — In an exclusive interview this past week at an undisclosed location in London, Bakers owner QCurl Sharif revealed the rumored turmoil in the team's front office, coupled with world events, has forced him into hiding.

He has not been seen at the One-Eyed Pig, nor the Treehouse in Nashville for two weeks. He claims his association with the Ukrainian government is the main reason, but those close to him say he is in fear of new Bakers head coach Martha Stewart, as well. Sharif does not deny either scenario.

"I've had to go underground on many occasions in the past, so this is not unfamiliar," Sharif said. "What's different is the Russians focused on me anew, and even more intensely than in the past--if that's possible. Zelensky has told me there's an elite KGB team that reports directly to Putin about me and the entire Bakers organization.

"Things had sort of chilled out after they tried to kill me in North Carolina, but things appear to have changed now. I have embarked on the Rasputin strategy in regard to poisoning--in that I'm titrating doses of every poison I can get my hands on currently, and hope to achieve near-full immunity before the season's out.

As for Sharif's relationship with Stewart, he's a bit more circumspect. Others who have worked with her in the past testify to a mercurial temper. Sharif has stated that her ability to control that temper, and her seemingly more mellow personna, played into the coaching interviews. Now, it may not be working out exactly as advertised. With the Bakers struggling at 3-4 as they play the Browns this week, the relationship appears to be taking up too much oxygen.

"Martha seems to have addressed some of our offensive woes of late, but we're shaky," Sharif said. "Normally, if this were Snoop, I would have broken bread, smoked a few blunts, and we'd sort through any team issues. Frankly, I've only had one conversation with her since the draft, so that's not good.

"And, she seems to have nurtured some undue influence with Faith [Popcorn]. They're together constantly. And, they're not spring chickens, either one --  I'm certain they're not talking about boyfriends ... for more reasons than one. So, that's been bothering me."

Anonymous sources have taken it further, reporting that Sharif is deathly afraid of Stewart, and her own knowledge of herbs and poisons, and has devoted a special security detail to her. It has also been reported that he and Snoop Dogg have been seen together at the One-Eyed Pig before Sharif went underground, raising questions about the former coach's future.

If the Bakers do not make the playoffs, Sharif would find himself in a difficult position, given the chilliness of his relationship with Stewart.

"Way too early to talk about that stuff," he said. "We have a team that is capable of turning it around. Snoop was in London, so nothing more to it than that. I will admit I miss him. I miss him and the exquisite grass and hash. There's no denying it played a key role in our historic runs these last few years.

"I thought about inviting him to go to Kyiv with me, but things are too hot for me at moment. Maybe later. He's been with me to Odessa before. Damn, I miss those days."

STEPHEN COLBERT JOINS THE GREEN With his talk show nearing its end, Colbert adds additional firepower to the Village

The Village Green added to their star power with the teaming of new celebrity owner Stephen Colbert (left) and head coach Stuart Smalley.

By Dr. Rosen P. Nis

In a surprise announcement at Dragon Park on Tuesday night, Stephen Colbert, host of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, announced the purchase of the Village Green.

“When I heard of the Gibbs/Nacua deal, and given my impending departure at the Late Show, I knew I wanted to be in the Green business," Colbert said. “Coach Smalley and I have gotten to know each other over a few summers in Minnesota with the family. The Franken campground experience has really deepened our relationship."

The snowball is indeed growing for the Village Green. 

‘ALL BETS ARE OFF’ Green declared winners in advance of 2025 season

Greens owner Dave Goodrow — the man who would be king.

By Ariel-Mutha Tafoya

FSN Sports

In a development that shook the venerable NFFA to its core, the Village Green completed a trade last week that brought RB Jahmyr Gibbs to their star-studded roster—and triggered a new, all-bets-are-off reality for the league.

After the trade, which sent Pakua Nacua to the Ballers, robust preseason betting activity at the Club Gitmo Sports Book dropped to zero, said Saddam Hussein, President of Iraq and CEO of Gitmo Sports Betting. 

“I’ve never seen anything like this,” said Hussein. “Even after the fall of Baghdad, we were still taking bets at the Fallujah Sports Book. What happened with the Green puts us in uncharted territory. Nobody is willing to bet now; everyone considers the Green what you call a shoo-in. Under the circumstances, we had little choice but to take all odds on this year’s champion off the table.” 

The NFFA Writers Association has also anointed the Green as this year’s champion, posting a story that described “the actual games this season as a mere formality,” and naming the team’s Stuart Smalley as Coach of the Year. 

“He’s good enough, and he’s smart enough,” wrote the Tennessean’s Woody Larry, “and now with Joe Burrow, JaMarr Chase and Jahmyr Gibbs he has the greatest talent ever assembled on one team before a season began.

“Though let’s be real: Even [former Bakers coach] Stumpy Legg could win a title with this team.”

Hussein noted that, in response to the trade, the Sports Book had opened a betting line for anyone willing to wager that the Green would NOT win the title. “Even then, we couldn’t get any takers,” he said. “We’ve pivoted to prop bets to get enough action to keep the lights on here.” 

As one example, Hussein cited the availability of odds on which round the London Bakers would use to draft rookie QB Cam Ward. Bettors could bet on a particular round and also wager on the over/under, which was set at 4.5 rounds. Betting on that proposition was reported as “extremely brisk” this afternoon. 

“I personally know that (Black Dogs Coach) Jim McMahon bet 100 Linardos that the Bakers would take Cam in Round 2,” Larry said. “I know this because I was standing right behind him in line, preparing to put my whole paycheck on the under.”

Larry also dropped a bombshell, suggesting McMahon had inside information before his bet. 

“While we were waiting in line,” Larry wrote, “Mac told me that (Bakers owner) QCurl Sharif had been holding seances with Rob Bironas and Steve McNair to ask their advice about when to draft Ward. He said he learned about it from Meta World Death, who was ‘on the other side’ when he walked into Bironas’ room to invite him for a drink and saw him engaged in the séance with Sharif. 

Apparently, that’s what Sir Q has been doing when he tells people he’s going to his sensory deprivation chamber. He's been locking himself in a private room and summoning his dead players. It’s eerily reminiscent of the dark days when he was talking to the paintings upstairs at the Cherry Bomb.”

In recent weeks, Sharif’s Paisley Humvee has been spotted entering the cemetery in Nashville’s Berry Hill area where Bironas is buried. Though Bakers security personnel prevented journalists from entering the cemetery while Sharif’s vehicle was there, visitors who came after the Bakers owner departed showed reporters items they claim to have found at Bironas’ gravesite, including an Ouija board, several Mexican saints’ candles, a signed Bironas jersey,  empty Grey Goose vodka bottles and an opium pipe.

Sharif could not be reached for comment. Bakers spokesmaven Faith Popcorn said he was “in seclusion and must not be disturbed.”

NFFA KICKS OFF 24TH SEASONFirst Round Mock Draft, Projected Keepers

Black Dogs head coach Jim McMahon hopes to be the
first coach to beat the Curse of the Champion.

By R.E. Porter 
Associated Web Press 

The 24th season of the Nashvegas Fantasy Football Association is upon us. The East Nashville Black Dogs will begin the defense of their fifth NFFA title on Sept. 4 when they host the Cambridge Animals at the Dawg House in a matchup of the league's last two champions.

Animals head coach Doc the Animal felt the wrath of the Curse of the Champion last season. Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon, who helmed four of the Dogs’ five championships, has felt the Curse’s sting three previous times. Although the league has never had a repeat champion, McMahon told AWP he thinks the Curse of the Champion will lose eventually.

“Let’s face it — no one goes undefeated forever,” said McMahon, speaking from his quarters at Club Gitmo on Saturday. “I know the Curse is 22-0, but he’s going to lose at some point, and I’m thinking it may as well be this year.”

One major change going into the 2025 season is the move by the Midtown Browns to Seattle. Team president Joey “Little Tony” Vietti informed the AWP the franchise will now be known as the Puget Browns and indicated they will be unveiling a new logo in the coming days.

The pre-draft trade period kicked off yesterday and the rumor mill is working overtime. One prominent rumor has the West Nashville Beelzebubbas, who have the first overall pick, and the London Bakers swapping first-round picks to enable the Bakers to draft RB Derrick Henry. In addition to the Bakers’ sixth overall pick, the Beelzebubbas would receive additional compensation. One source says the ’Bubbas are looking to also receive the Bakers’ 2026 first-round pick.

There is also buzz about a potential trade between the Village Green and the Ballers. A source close to Ballers’ owner Mojo D tells the AWP the team has proposed swapping RB Saquon Barkley for Green WR Ja’Marr Chase. At press time, no word on whether the Green are interested in that deal.

There has also been some speculation that both the Boca Chica Daddies and the Browns are looking to make a trade for a starting QB prior to the keeper deadline, although the Daddies may now be satisfied with their free-agent pickup of Baker Mayfield. Matthew Stafford is the only keeper-eligible QB on the Browns roster, and he has yet to participate in the team’s training camp.

Projected Keepers

Here are the players the AWP projects to be each teams’ keepers based on their rosters as of August 16:

Animals

QB Josh Allen BUF

RB Jonathan Taylor IND

WR Nico Collins HOU

DL Trey Hendrickson CIN*

LB Foyesade Oluokun JAC

DB Kevin Byard CHI

Bakers

QB Jalen Hurts PHI

RB Tony Pollard TEN

WR Brian Thomas Jr. JAC

DL Andrew Van Ginkel MIN

LB Robert Spillane NEP

DB Budda Baker ARI

Ballers

QB Jayden Daniels WAS

RB Saquon Barkley PHI

WR Terry McLauren WAS* 

DL Myles Garrett CLE

LB Bobby Wadner WAS

DB Kyle Hamilton BAL

Beelzebubbas

QB C.J. Stroud HOU

RB Joe Mixon HOU

WR Deebo Samuel WAS

DL Nick Bosa SFO

LB Zack Baun PHI

DB Kerby Joseph DET

Black Dogs

QB Patrick Mahomes KCC

RB Alvin Kamara NOS

WR A.J. Brown PHI

DL Brian Burns NYG

LB Jordan Brooks MIA

DB Keisean Nixon GBP

Browns

QB Matthew Stafford LAR

RB De’Von Achane MIA

WR Amon-Ra St. Brown

DL T.J. Watt PIT

LB T.J. Edwards CHI

DB Julian Love SEA

Daddies

QB Baker Mayfield TBB

RB Bijan Robinson ATL

WR Mike Evans TBB

DL Aiden Hutchinson DET

LB Fred Warner SFO

DB Nick Cross IND

Green

QB Joe Burrow CIN

RB Christian McCaffrey SFO

WR Ja’Marr Chase CIN

DL Maxx Crosby LVR

LB Germaine Pratt LVR

DB Brian Branch DET

* Players currently in a contract dispute

Mock Draft: Round One

The AWP also has projected round one of the 2025 NFFA draft scheduled for the evening of Monday, Sept. 1.

1-1 Beelzebubbas: RB Derrick Henry BAL

1-2 Green: RB Jahmyr Gibbs DET

1-3 Daddies: WR Justin Jefferson MIN

1-4 Ballers: RB Bijan Robinson ATL

1-5 Animals: RB Kyron Williams LAR

1-6 Bakers: RB James Cook BUF

1-7 Browns: QB Lamar Jackson BAL

1-8 Black Dogs: RB James Conner ARI