NFFA INKS MOVIE DEAL Soderbergh to direct; big names line up for plum parts

Conan O'Brien (QCurl Sharif) and Vern Troyer (Mr. TD) in a
publicity photo for the forthcoming movie about the NFFA.


By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

NASHVEGAS — Coming in 2011 to a theater near you — NFFA: The Movie.

In a shocking blockbuster deal announced Thursday in a press conference at the Jorgé Linardo-owned nightclub, the Jojo-A-Go-Go, Bob and Harvey Weinstein of Miramax Studios announced they had signed an agreement with the NFFA founder to produce a feature-length film on the league. Financial terms of the deal were not disclosed.

The as yet untitled film is tentatively slated for release in December 2011 — just in time, noted Harvey Weinstein, for Oscar consideration. Steven Soderbergh will direct. Shooting will begin in May on location in Nashvegas. “We don’t have a script yet,” said Weinstein, “but we have a helluva story. It will practically write itself. We have an amazing director and an all-star cast that would make DeMille break out in hives.”

The movie will star:

Tom Skerritt as Jorgé Linardo
Conan O'Brien as QCurl Sharif (David Straithairn reportedly turned down the role)
Samuel L. Jackson as The Animal
Anthony Hopkins as Tirik Obobber
Joaquin Phoenix as Lex Dominica
Boyd X. Biggs as himself
Matt Damon as Thurman Murrman
LL Cool J as Mojo D
The Voice of James Earl Jones as Commissioner William D. Money

Also starring:

Cloris Leachman as Meemaw Murrman
James Gandolfini as Tony Soprano
Hallie Berry as The Pompatus of Love
Mary Kate Olsen as Mo Money
Ashley Olsen as Cash Money
Rip Torn as Buddy Ryan
Owen Wilson as Faith Popcorn
Gina Gershon as Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Vern Troyer as Mr. TD and Furious George
Robert Downey Jr. as Jizzle McMizzle
Omar Sharif as Shiva
John Goodman as Satan

And featuring:

Woody Harrelson as Devlin Redd
Li’l Wayne as Snoop Dogg
Darrell Hammond as Larry Woody
Julia Roberts as Amy Winehouse
Burt Reynolds as Saddam
Pam Grier as Foxy Brown
Marcello Mastrioni as Giorgio Cardinal Leonardo
Carlos Mencia as Manuel “Short Eyes” Linardo
Danny Glover as George Clinton
Dana Carvey as Haven Hamilton
Danny DeVito as Kim Jong Il
Larry Bud Melman as Joe Biddle
Vince Vaughn as Vince Lombardi
Tom Cruise as Tom Brady
M. Emmett Walsh as Stumpy Legg
Jeff Goldblum as Osama bin Laden
Antonio Banderas as Young Jorgé
John Malkovich as the Hager Twins
Duane “The Rock” Johnson as Steve McNair
Ben Stiller as Joe Namath
Tina Fey as Jenna Bush
Zulu as Kono
Peter O’Toole as General George Washington Leonard
Chuck Barris as Mojo Jojo

Weinstein acknowledged that it was unusual to release the cast before a script had even been developed. “But when they heard this movie was happening,” he said, “the phones started ringing off the hook. If you think the roster is impressive, you should have seen the talent we had to turn down. How do you tell Dame Judy Dench we just don’t have a spot for her? Fortunately, the whole cast agreed to work for scale, so we could keep the production budget under $100 million.”

BUBBAS ANNOUNCE SPONSORSHIP, COACHING MOVES

West Nashville marketing director Chuck Barris shows off
the team's new sponsors for the gathered media.


BUBBAS ANNOUNCE SPONSORSHIP,
COACHING MOVES
Pioneering arrangement, says Barris; Biggs copycats Bakers

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

In a move that experts said could revolutionize the marketing of sports stadium naming rights, the West Nashville Beelzebubbas have announced a unique partnership with two very different companies that happen to have a famous name in common.

Under new agreements with the Samuel Colt Manufacturing Company and Colt 45 Malt Liquor, the Bubbas’ home, Hell Stadium, will be rechristened “Colt 45 Field at Colt 45 Stadium.”

The agreement was announced at a press conference Tuesday. “It is a pioneering arrangement,” said the team’s marketing director, Chuck Barris, “but it is also a natural. Colt 45 malt liquor was already the unofficial official beverage of many of our fans north of Charlotte Avenue, and the legendary Colt 45 has always been Dr. Linardo’s favorite pistol in the non-automatic category.”

Barris said that, under the agreements, Colt 45 malt liquor would be served exclusively in Abu Ghraib Lounge, located on the 11th sublevel at Club Gitmo, and that Beelzebubbas coach Boyd X. Biggs would drink only Colt 45 at his weekly press conferences. In addition, the team announced a special promotion by which West Nashville residents could redeem any Glock or Barretta firearm, or any five black dogs, and receive a Colt 45 pistol, subject to legal registration under the Brady Bill. Barris declined to specify what would happen to the black dogs, saying that some details remained to be worked out.

In a separate move, the team announced that rapper L’il Wayne is the Bubbas new receivers coach, while longtime special teams coach Rod “He Hate Me” Smart has been promoted to offensive coordinator. Neither Wayne nor Biggs was on hand at the press conference to field questions. However, one team official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that the hiring of L’il Wayne was “an intentional copycatting” of the strategy of the 12th Avenue Bakers. “Look what Snoop did for that franchise,” the official said. “Wayne is gonna kick Andre Johnson’s ass next year and get us a ring.”

‘UNITY’ PRESS CONFERENCE ENDS IN MEDIA RIOT

Commissioner Money poses with President Bush
for photos before yesterday's press conference.


‘UNITY’ PRESS CONFERENCE ENDS IN MEDIA RIOT
Bush asks for calm as reporters hurl shoes at Money

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

It was billed as a “unity” press conference to bring all NFFA owners together to meet President George W. Bush, who is attending the league’s championship weekend in Nashvegas. But the event ended in utter chaos as reporters — along with at least two NFFA owners — began hurling shoes at Commissioner William D. Money midway through a question-and-answer session.

It began quietly enough Friday afternoon, as Money introduced the president, who told the assembled media that he was excited, finally, to attend an NFFA game. “Jorge Linardo has done so much for the cause of peace and injustice that, when he called and invited me to the championship game, I jumped out my chair and said, ‘Yes-s-s!’ and started squealing like a pig. I can’t wait to throw out the first pitch. I hear East Nashville is not much safer than East Baghdad, but I can tell you it’s a lot more fun.”

Bush also noted that he planned to “drop by” Grey Goose Stadium for the third-place battle between the Atlanta Smack Daddies and 12th Avenue Bakers. In a surprise announcement, Bush also said he was going to officially dedicate the reopened Cherry Bomb Café with club owner QCurl Sharif. “I want to try me one of those Touchdown Tasers™ while I’m there,” Bush said. “Condi says they take hair off your chest.”

While the media was mostly polite to Bush, the mood turned ugly when Money began fielding questions. First, the City Paper’s Dicky Cox asked why Money planned to bestow an award for “Commissioner of the Year.”

“We haven’t announced anything like that yet,” Money demurred.

“Sources say you’re announcing it today,” Cox persisted.

“No comment,” said Money.

“This is a great idea,” chimed in Bush. “I could be President of the Year.”

Then FSN’s Owen Cash asked Money about reports that the commissioner’s office had colluded with the Music City Sports Book to set ridiculously high point spreads — averaging 124 points — for games involving the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs. “Isn’t it true,” Cash demanded, “that you helped set the spreads, then turned around and bet a million dollars each week on the Sea Hogs to cover? And isn’t it true that you wired your winnings to a bank in the Cayman Islands to avoid taxes? And isn’t it true that you told your fellow owners that the point spread was just a technical glitch in the system?”

“No, no, no,” Money sputtered, but it was too late. At that point, The Tennessean’s Joe Biddle removed his tassle loafer and hurled it at Money, narrowly missing his head. Bush caught a second shoe aimed at Money before Secret Service agents moved in and hustled him out of the room.

Then other reporters began removing their shoes and flinging them at Money, who ran from the room amid the hailstorm of footwear. Among those seen throwing objects were Beelzebubbas Coach Boyd X. Biggs, who later retrieved the pair of Dan Post lizard-skin boots he had tossed, and Smack Daddies owner Lex Dominica, who sources said was resentful that this week’s playoff game had been wrongfully moved from Atlanta.

“It’s kind of gratifying not to be the least popular guy in the room,” Bush quipped later.

Said Sharif, who had been sitting on the front row, “There were so many people in their stocking feet, I thought it was one of my Friday afternoon goodwill visits to the Islamic Center down the street. I’m just glad Furious wasn’t there. I guarantee he’d have been flinging something other than shoes.”

MIDTOWN MOJO INTRODUCE BARKLEY AS NEW COACH

Mojo coach Charles Barkley sounds off about the Sea Hogs

MIDTOWN MOJO INTRODUCE
BARKLEY AS NEW COACH

by Soren Bernyn, Fantasy Sports Network

In what would appear to be a meaningless game to the rest of the world, the Midtown Mojo introduced NBA All-Star Charles Barkley as the team's coach for the final game of the season. At the happy hour/media opportunity staged at Cabana in Hillsboro Village, Owner Mojo D said "this game has gone from a race to to the bottom to a chance at redemption — a chance to crush and humiliate Triki Bobber, whom I shall henceforth refer to only as 'Bob Hitler.'

"To make that happen, I have enlisted the service of the Round Mound of Rebound — Sir Charles Barkley, his badass [expletive]ing self!" Amid strobe lights and fog, Barkley stood up, pointed into the cameras and stated emphatically: "It is my mission to stamp out all racism in sports; they dissed me at Auburn, so when Mojo D called to say he needed a way to crush Hitler, I said 'Hell, yeah — I'm in!' I have one plan — to whip my niggas into a frenzy so that they will stop at nothing short of the complete devastation of the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs."

The Sea Hogs are especially hated in Midtown because they — in the words of one Mojo supporter — "are just not from around here." And Midtown loves any excuse to take to the streets, so there is a lot of interest in the game. The local Mediterannean restaurants have even collaborated on a dish that is all the rage this week: Bobber Ghanoush, which is smoked eggplant with crushed lamb testicles.

Questioned about the dish, Mojo D said, "It's delicious — we've had it on the training table all week. Part of what makes it so good is that it's prepared with help from other teams in the league — the testicles are courtesy of [Beelzebubbas' Owner/GM Boyd X.] Biggs, and Meemaw Murrman provided all the restaurants with her souvenir skillets. QCurl even sent over some 55-gallon drums of Touchdown Tasers, and the Animal is providing crystal 'dessert' via the local Cranker Barrel. It's very touching to see these guys who are competitors all season long come together around their shared distaste for the Sea Hogs and their criminally insane owner, Bob Hitler."

In the custom of his mentor Jorge Linardo, Mojo D threw back his head and laughed silently, put his arm around Barkley and headed to the bar.

BLACK DOGS, ’BUBBAS SET FOR TITLE TILT

In route to Nashvegas aboard Air Force One, President Bush jokes
with reporters about the “12th Avenue peace pipe” he received.


BLACK DOGS, ’BUBBAS
SET FOR TITLE TILT
Bong-brandishing Bush to
throw out ' first pitch'

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

The two teams with the winningest records — the undefeated East Nashville Black Dogs (15-0) and the West Nashville Beelzebubbas (10-5) — will meet in this weekend’s NFFA Championship at Black Dog Stadium. To add even more luster to the event, the White House announced on Tuesday that President George W. Bush would visit Nashvegas for championship weekend.

Bush, who received a special invitation from NFFA founder Jorge Linardo, said he was looking forward to “throwing out the first pitch” before kickoff. Bush will also attend part of the third-place contest between the 12th Avenue Bakers and Atlanta Smack Daddies. Although the higher-seeded Daddies are designated as the home team, the game was moved from suburban Atlanta to Grey Goose Stadium so the president could take in both contests.

The championship tilt promises to be historic for reasons that go beyond the first presidential visit to an NFFA venue. A victory by the Black Dogs would cap an unprecedented perfect season. Whoever wins will join the Smack Daddies as the only teams to claim two NFFA championships.

Along with the written invitation from Linardo, President Bush received a Bakers commemorative bong from 12 South council member Roz Tefarian, along with a bobblehead Shiva like those given to the first 20,000 fans at the Bakers’ last home game. Bush showed the former gift to reporters aboard Air Force One, which Tefarian’s accompanying card described as a “12th Avenue peace pipe.” Bush also told reporters that, at Linardo’s invitation, he had drawn up a special play, which he dubbed “the Wild Bush,” for McMahon to use in the championship game.

“It will take a perfect performance by us to win,” said West Nashville coach Boyd X. Biggs, whose Beelzebubbas before now had never achieved consecutive winning seasons, much less back-to-back appearances in the championship game. “My old friend Mac [Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon] has a complete team with no weaknesses. Obviously, except for achieving world peace, nothing would make me happier than to [expletive] up his perfect season.”

Biggs announced that Memphis rappers Dr. Krunkenstein, implicated in an assassination attempt on NFFA commissioner William D. Money, would appear at a special Beelzebubbas pep rally, performing a new song — “Salary Cap His Ass” — they had written specifically about Money.

Separately, Biggs introduced former Bakers coach Stumpy Legg as the new chief of concierge services at Club Gitmo, where the ’Bubbas’ press conference was held. Legg, who led the Bakers to consecutive losing seasons before being replaced by the late Vince Lombardi in 2004, had been serving as a WalMart greeter on Charlotte Pike in West Nashville when Biggs happened to encounter him as he entered the store to buy a case of shotgun shells. “Stumpy has also been watching film and offering suggestions for the game plan this weekend,” Biggs said between sips of Cuervo Gold. “We’re getting some solid ideas of what not to do.”

BREAKING NEWS: BAKERS EMBROILED IN BLAGO BRIBE BROUHAHA

Embattled Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich allegedly
was bribed by Bakers head coach Snoop Dogg.


BAKERS EMBROILED IN BLAGO BRIBE BROUHAHA
Sharif pulls out all stops in NFFA title quest

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

In a widening bribery scandal, federal prosecutors in Chicago this afternoon released a new audio tape on which 12th Avenue Bakers coach Snoop Dogg could be heard offering a bribe to embattled Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich.

On the tape, which prosecutors said was recorded on Tuesday, a voice that sounded like Dogg asked Blagojevich “how much it’s gonna take for the Bears defense to lay down for ma nizzle Drew Brees” — an apparent attempt to bribe the governor to influence this weekend’s game.

When Blagojevich replied, “Two million, one for the team and one for Papa Bear,” Dogg responded, “We goin grizzle, fashizzle. Check for a wire transfer at your banizzle, S-D-O-G insured.”

Prosecutors would not say whether any funds had been transferred to any bank accounts in Blagojevich’s name, though they will be watching the Bears’ on-field performance closely. A big game by Brees against the Bears would greatly bolster the Bakers’ chance of winning their chances of upsetting the undefeated East Nashville Black Dogs.

For his part, Snoop Dogg denied that his words could even be construed as offering a bribe, contending that he merely was asking Blagojevitch, whom he described as a “big fan,” for his views on this weekend’s contest.

When reached in the Alice B. Toklas Suite at the reopened Cherry Bomb Café, Bakers owner QCurl Sharif said, “One thing I’ve learned from all my years in football is that you play with the field conditions you have. When it’s raining, we have to get a little wet.”

FSN will provide fresh details as they emerge.

ANIMALS FIRE BROWNIE

Mike "Brownie" Brown, shown here on the day he was named special
teams coach for Cambridge, was given the boot yesterday.


ANIMALS FIRE BROWNIE
Special teams coach blamed for ‘crackhead’ mistakes

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

The Cambridge Animals today terminated — “with extreme prejudice,” said owner Dave the Animal — special teams coach Mike “Brownie” Brown in a move seen as part of an effort to bolster the team’s chances of winning fifth place in the NFFA.

Brown was hired by the Animals last June. In late October, based on what Dave the Animal described as “a heckuva job” (particularly for the acquisition of wide receiver Josh Cribbs), Brown was entrusted with the added task of developing the team’s secret plan to overtake the surprising 12th Avenue Bakers and earn a spot in the top playoff bracket.

“His resumé said he had a lot of experience with the Animals,” said a team official who requested anonymity out of concern for his personal safety. “Dave, who was distracted by Breaking Bad, thought this meant Brownie knew our organization. He didn’t realize Brownie was talking about his background with horse shows. And maybe Brownie misled us a little bit, too.”

The special teams performed well until November, when disastrous lineup errors involving placekickers caused the Animals to lose consecutive games to the Alamo Scouts and West Nashville Beelzebubbas. On Wednesday, Dave the Animal learned of what he described as “crackhead mistakes” and fired Brown immediately.

On his way out of the Animals’ office complex — known to locals as the Cambridge Zoo — Brownie refused to speak to reporters, except to say that Dave the Animal had approved the secret plan and that it had been followed to the letter.

The team official who spoke without attribution said suspicions had arisen that Black Dogs Coach Jim McMahon had authored key details of the secret plan and given them to Brown. The official refused to elaborate on the reasons behind these suspicions.

“I could just spit,” said Dave the Animal, who is said to be channeling his anger into a poem entitled “Paradise Kicked” about the incident. “When Brownie asked about his severance package, I told him, ‘I’ll refrain from severing your damn head. How about that?’”

GAMEDAY CREW BACCHANAL BOUND

The GameDay crew enjoy themselves at a rehearsal this morning at Centennial Park (left to right): Terry Bradshaw, James Brown, and Shannon Sharpe. (Out of frame): new crew member Serious George.


GAMEDAY CREW BACCHANAL BOUND
Reluctant Woody remains stuck on billboard

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

For the first time ever, the crew of NFFA TV’s popular GameDay will set up this weekend not at one of the league’s stadiums, but at the annual Bacchanal in Centennial Park.

The two-day festival — officially dedicated, according to the event website, to “love, music and whatever” — coincides each year with the second meeting of two of the NFFA’s founding franchises, the West Nashville Beelzebubbas and the 12th Avenue Bakers. The game is set for West Nashville’s Hell Stadium near the campus of Tennessee State University.

Although the game itself is meaningful for the first time in league history — both teams have clinched playoff spots and are jockeying to be the No. 3 seed, behind the East Nashville Black Dogs — much more attention, as usual, will focus on the Bacchanal, whose confirmed live performers this year include Taylor Swift, the Drive-By Truckers, Wayne Newton, Robert Plant, Allison Krauss, will.i.am, Lewis Had the Weed, Morphine, Dr. Dre, David Bowie, Ringo Starr, Willie Nelson and Jack White.

The GameDay crew includes Terry Bradshaw, Shannon Sharpe, James Brown and a new panelist, Serious George, the famed football oddsmaker who is also a cousin of the late QCurl Sharif confidant Furious George. “It’s the logical choice for us,” said Bradshaw. “There is no place that matches this for excitement on a football weekend. If I survive, it will be something to tell the grandkids about.”

Sharif, whose Grey Goose Stadium has been regularly snubbed as a GameDay location, was less impressed. “To bring this media circus to the Bacchanal is gilding the lily, if you ask me,” Sharif said. “But I’m down.”

One celebrity who apparently won’t be attending the Bacchanal or the game is sportswriter Larry Woody, who remained trapped atop the 12 South billboard where he had vowed to maintain a lonely vigil until the Bakers recorded another losing season. He revised his goal to a “non-losing” season when it became apparent the team could finish no worse than 7-7 this year. Then on Sunday, following the Bakers’ second straight loss, he spray-painted “Mission Accomplished” across the face of Willie Nelson on the board and attempted to descend by ladder. But he was driven back by repeated gunfire from the neighborhood, where Bakers superfan Bill Cheatham has organized a vigilante group he calls “Sheriffs for Sharif” to defend the team and its owner. Police refused to respond to Woody’s 911 calls for help. “I heard a bunch of pops last night,” said 12 South precinct captain Delbert “Vice” Roy. “But knowing the crazy kids around here I’m sure it was just firecrackers.

“One of these days,” he added, “we’re gonna go bust Woody for trespassing, but we’ve got more pressing priorities right now.”

MIDTOWN MOJO ANNOUNCE LATEST COACHING CHANGE

Otto Pilot, the fourth and final Mojo coach of the 2008 season

MIDTOWN MOJO ANNOUNCE LATEST COACHING CHANGE

By Soren Bernyn, Fantasy Sports News

Midtown Mojo owner Mojo D has thrown in the towel

In a grainy 18-second video broadcast via cell-phone from Las Vegas on Tuesday, he said he was "disgusted, disillusioned and just plain dissed" and introduced the "Mojo's final coach," Otto Pilot, who first came to notoriety in the 1979 movie "Airplane!" With that, he threw back his head, laughed silently and flipped a switch, inflating the team's new coach.

The video then went black, and there has been no communication from anyone on Planet Mojo since. The new coach had no comment for reporters.

AMID SNIPER FIRE, WOODY MAINTAINS LONELY VIGIL

During his vigil, Larry Woody has had to dodge sniper fire, as evidenced by the bullet holes in the Willie Nelson billboard.


AMID SNIPER FIRE, WOODY MAINTAINS LONELY VIGIL
‘Wait till next year,’ says disheartened sportswriter

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

It looked like Larry Woody might have to spend the next 12 months atop a 12 South billboard, waiting for the Bakers to record a losing season. Now, says the embattled journalist, he will settle for a tie. If the Bakers lose their next four games to finish at 7-7, Woody will declare that a “non-winning” season is enough to bring him down from his lonely perch.


That’s assuming he can get down unscathed. Ever since he took his position three weeks ago, Woody has been the target of occasional sniper fire from the 12 South neighborhood — as holes in the billboard made by high-caliber rounds would seem to attest. “It’s like the Mekong Delta all over again, and I’m on point,” Woody said by cellphone late Monday. “It gets especially bad at night.”

Metro Councilwoman Roz Tefarian poo-poohed Woody’s claims. “Gunfire is pretty common in this neighborhood,” she said. “I don’t see how Woody thinks it’s directed at him. Maybe some stray rounds hit his billboard, but he needs to realize that people fire their guns in the air when they’re happy around here. We call it ‘fun-fire.’ And the Bakers have given everyone reason to be happy this season.”

But Bakers’ super fan Bill Cheatham said that he had been explicitly targeting Woody’s billboard with an elephant gun he owns. “He wanted Nam, so we’re giving him Nam,” said Cheatham, who also admitted to firing an occasional flare above Woody’s billboard, “just to let him know we’re here.”

Woody and Cheatham had a brief rapprochement last week, after Bakers’ owner Q-Curl Sharif inadvertently offended some Baker boosters by referring to them as “common” during an Obama victory party at his toney West End mansion. In protest, Cheatham said he climbed up to Woody’s perch, carrying a case of Grey Goose in one hand as a peace offering. But after each had downed one bottle, along with deviled ham from the 12 South chapter of Friends of Satan, Cheatham came back down and took up his rifle again. “I guess I just needed a reminder of what assholes these media types are,” he said.

MOJO D MOVES FOR KRANKENSTEIN RULE CHANGE

Midtown owner Mojo D wants to
kill the Krankenstein monster.


MOJO D MOVES FOR KRANKENSTEIN RULE CHANGE

By Soren Bernyn, Fantasy Sports News

After a 60-point drubbing at the hands of "those filthy Animals," Midtown Mojo owner Mojo D has called for a rule change that "removes the tyranny of the kick returner."

Wearing a tie-dye shirt emblazoned with "Death to Krankenstein," Mojo D said: "It's ridiculous that burners who play for truly [expletive] teams are making the difference with standard-issue kick returns. Johnnie Lee Higgins? Josh Wilson? These are marquee players? Gimme a break. I'm playing Brandon Middleton just to try to keep up, but it feels dirty — this isn't strategy, it's a loophole. The criminally insane [Tirik Obobber] decoded it and has made it the single tactic he's using — that's part of what it makes it so distasteful to me.

"I'm the first to admit that I missed that in my draft and did not catch up in waivers either — it's just not real football. Run it back over 30 yards and I'm willing to concede a point, but notching 15-20 points per game because your team's getting rolled up on and you're getting mediocre run backs is just not football.

"All that said, I want to grudgingly congratulate my esteemed colleague from Cambridge, Dave the Animal, for his season-high score and welcome him to the NFFA's elite 200 Club. Those of us in the Club eagerly await the reopening of the Cherry Bomb and inviting Dave to join us in QCurl's exclusive 'CC' room for the traditional initiation ceremony. Biggs will provide much entertainment." In an homage to their shared mentor Jorge, Mojo D then threw back his head and laughed silently.

When asked about the Mojo's shifting front office, Mojo D read from a prepared statement. "The Pompatus of Love has returned to her preferred role as team inspiration. CO Jones is still the team enforcer, and rumors that he tossed Visante Shiancoe out of the team plane for his goose-egg performance cannot be proven, but are true. The team and Tom Brady are looking at legal options to deal with the Commissioner's outrageous suspension. The Beelzebubbas have loaned us their consigliere and noted first-amendment expert L.S. DeHayes to explore what's possible. We're paying his fine from the coffee can that says "Commish's Crazy Box," but Money's actions are just unAmerican. I've said along that he's a dangerously unbalanced sociopath and he's just showing his ass now. I think the Mojo is all up in his head since we were the last ones to beat those mangy Dogs. Even though he's mostly untouchable, he's still freaking out about facing the Mojo. Anything to be in Money's head — I'm for it."

BAKERS BURN LOCKER ROOM, STOMP SEA HOGS LOGO

Fidalgo Island firefighters extinguished a fire at Sea Hogs stadium
yesterday that originated in the visitors locker room.


BAKERS BURN LOCKER ROOM,
STOMP SEA HOGS LOGO
‘Time to get fired up,’ Sharif tells team

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

Continuing a pattern of blazes that seem to follow him, QCurl Sharif announced Sunday afternoon that there was no mystery about the latest Bakers-related fire. In an effort to inspire the streaking Bakers, who were poised to run their season record to an unprecedented 7-3, Sharif told his players just before kickoff at Fidalgo Island that “it’s time to get fired up, gentlemen” — then produced a military-issue flamethrower and set the visitors’ locker room ablaze.

As flames shot toward the ceiling and smoke poured out of the room, the Bakers ran up the stadium tunnel and took the field. Many fans in the stands later said they assumed the smoke was simply from a fog machine, admitting that it was curious that a visiting team would have access to such a device. “Then again,” said Sea Hogs ticket manager Fen Wei Park, “it’s the Bakers, and some of us just assumed they had a giant pregame spliff in there.”

Sharif’s dramatic act seems to have the desired effect, as the Bakers blitzed their way to an almost insurmountable 50-point lead on Sunday and never looked back. "That was exactly the idea,” said the tuxedo-clad Sharif in the owners box at Sea Hogs Stadium. “I was thinking of the way Cortez burned his ships after reaching Mexico, and I told our guys, ‘Victory or death!'"

Exuberant Bakers players also took out years of frustration, running en masse to midfield late in the contest and stomping on the Sea Hogs logo. FSN has learned that ostensibly confidential comments made by the Sea Hogs’ criminally insane owner, Tirik Obobber, to Commissioner William D. Money regarding the Bakers had somehow been forwarded to Sharif this week. “QCurl doesn’t even try,” said Obobber in a conversation that was recorded clandestinely.

“You can bet O’Boggle got on our bulletin board,” said Bakers coach Snoop Dogg. Then, pointing to the Sea Hogs logo on the field, he added with a cackle, “We had to put our damn foot down, fa shizzle.”

The all-volunteer Fidalgo Island fire department managed to extinguish the fire, but the locker room was described as a total loss. “Just send me the bill,” said Sharif. “I think our insurance covers this under an act of God.”

LINARDO DISASSOCIATES NAME FROM ‘SUBTRACTION DIVISION’

Jorge Linardo, shown here consoling the Pompatus of Love at Club Gitmo last night after her team's loss, has asked the commissioner to remove his surname from the NFFA's "weak-sister" division.


LINARDO DISASSOCIATES NAME FROM ‘SUBTRACTION DIVISION’
Calls for swift action by commissioner

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network

In a startling development early Tuesday, NFFA Founder Jorge Linardo called upon NFFA commissioner William D. Money to rechristen the league’s Linardo division.

The demand, issued in an extremely rare press interview in sub-level 11 at Club Gitmo, stemmed from the division’s poor performance this season, Linardo said. “Even Jim McMahon, who is like an illegitimate son to me, has started calling it ‘the Linardo subtraction,’” said the CEO Emeritus of the West Nashville Beelzebubbas and nominee for the Nobel Peace Prize. “It is simply unbecoming and a personal affront.”

Dr. Linardo acknowledged that one Linardo division team, the Atlanta Smack Daddies, has at least achieved respectability with a 4-4 record. “With all respect to my good friend Tony Soprano, nobody in that division has been a winner this year. I know it’s been difficult for Tony. When everyone else in your division is floundering, it can create a giant sucking vortex that brings you down.”

Linardo said he is fine with leaving the name of the Jorgé division intact. “They’re all winners, and I’m proud of them,” said El Jefé of the Beelzebubbas, Black Dogs, Bakers and Animals. I think Dave [the Animal] would have a winning record, too, but he’s been off doing the Lord’s work.”

Before calling an end to the 10-minute interview, Linardo said he had already placed a call to Commissioner Money requesting that his name be removed from what he called the “weak-sister” division. Had he suggested any alternatives, a visitor wondered.

“How about the L division?” Dr. Linardo said, forming his thumb and index finger into the shape of that letter. Then, characteristically, he leaned his head back and laughed silently.

Update: Two missing sports reporters, who had not been seen since the Beelzebubbas’ media conference last week, were waiting at the south guard tower as this reporter left Club Gitmo early Tuesday. The pair appeared healthy but shaken, said their “quote-unquote disappearance” had “all been a big misunderstanding,” and refused to answer any further questions on the subject.

BRADY LASHES OUT AT PORTER, MONEY

Mojo Coach Tom Brady in happier times

BRADY LASHES OUT AT PORTER, MONEY

By Soren Bernyn, Fantasy Sports News

From his hospital bed, injured quarterback-turned-Mojo-Coach Tom Brady lambasted NFFA journalists and Commissioner William D. Money in a profanity-laced, drug-addled tirade.

This reporter receieved a call from Brady, who is recovering from his latest surgery at the Planet Mojo compound's infirmary (nicknamed the "Staph Lounge" for its poor hygiene record), where he is on a potent intravenous cocktail of morphine and cow antibiotics. He said his people would pick me up in five minutes; indeed, I was accosted, trussed up like "Tommy" and taken to the secret rear entrance of Planet Mojo.

As soon as I entered the room, Brady ranted "I get my [expletive] knee infected, operated on AGAIN, and when I come to, the first thing I read is that asshole [R.E. Porter, who covers the NFFA for Associated Web Press] dissing my team with an F mid-term grade. There's not even a mention of ME, for Chrissakes — I'm the best [expletive] player in the goddamn league! I got injured the first quarter of the first game of the season — I think that MIGHT have something to do with the team's record! You work with that dickhead? Tell him to watch his candy-ass, 'cause Tom Brady's coming for him."

Brady then turned his fury to the commissioner: "And that little pussy is completely in the pocket of Money, that dangerous [expletive] sociopath — that SOB is keeping him up to his eyeballs in teenage Thai boys and crack, just so the little [expletive] will publish whatever the Commish wants. That bastard is out of control — his team's undefeated, McMahon won't shut up, and Buddy Ryan just keeps on sucking both their dicks."

The morphine must have kicked in then, because he turned mellow talking about his team: "The way the Pompatus has supported me is way [expletive] beyond what an employer would do. Mojo D caught some tough breaks early, but he's shown faith in me and I'm just appreciative that he hasn't treated me like a piece of meat."

At this point, Brady nodded off and then the aforementioned Pompatus of Love, Miss Lee-Yhn, burst in, brandishing an Alamo Scouts souvenir skillet and accompanied by some hulking members of the Mojo's internal security team, led by the Mojo-masked former coach C.O. Jones, who silently pulled the curtain, hustled me out of the room, replaced the "Tommy" device on my head, threw me in the back of a windowless van, and delivered me back to the FSN office after stopping at Provence in the Village to pick up some lunch.

OUT OF THE FIRE, INTO THE FRYING PAN

A Scouts fan has her photo taken in front of the giant
skillet sculpture which now stands outside The Alamo.


OUT OF THE FIRE, INTO THE FRYING PAN
Scouts fans ready to greet Smack Daddies with noise and cooking Utensils

By Lenny Lopez, Fantasy Sports News

In a move that is creating controversy in some quarters of the NFFA, fans of the Alamo Scouts will be allowed to bring iron skillets inside their stadium, The Alamo, for this weekend’s game against the family rival Atlanta Smack Daddies.

In recent weeks, skillets have become the unofficial symbol of the Scouts following the well-publicized use of one such cast-iron cooking utensil by team matriach Eudora "MeeMaw" Murmann to subdue what she described as “varmints.”

Since then, Scouts fans have shown up outside The Alamo brandishing skillets over their heads. Some have also brought large metal serving spoons and used them to beat their skillets like drums.

For this week’s game — pitting owner Thurmann Murmann against his uncle, Lex Dominica, who is Meemaw's son — the Scouts announced that fans for the first time would be encouraged to bring skillets and spoons inside the stadium to create a cacophony when the Smack Daddies have the ball.

However, some observers have suggested that the new policy violates the NFFA’s ban against weapons inside league venues. “Considering that the skillet became a symbol for the team only after MeeMaw Murmann used it in an act of violence, however righteous that act may have been, I think this is a clear violation of league rules,” said Professor Irwin “Swifty” Lazar of the University of Texas Law School and a recognized expert in sports law.

Reached for comment in his bunker office below the NFFA Tower in Nashvegas, Commissioner William D. Money said that he had personally approved the skillets. “If you can say a skillet is a weapon,” Money said, “then you could say that having my black dogs inside the stadium is a weapon, and no sane person would ever say that. Besides, I didn’t realize we had a ban on weapons. You couldn’t enforce one in Texas in any event. I know for a fact that MeeMurr has a conceal and carry permit.”

In Murmann Plaza outside The Alamo, the Scouts have erected a giant skillet statue, which has quickly become a magnet for fans wishing to snap souvenir photos. Meanwhile, in preparation for this Sunday’s game, the team’s marketing department has prepared two videos to be shown on the stadium JumboTron featuring Duane “The Rock” Johnson. In one, Johnson beats a skillet with a spoon and announces ominously, “Hey Smack Daddies, it’s dinnertime. Come and get your whuppin.’” In the other, Johnson brandishes a skillet and asks, “Can you smell what MeeMurr is cookin?”

DAVE THE ANIMAL MAKES CABLE TV DEBUT

Dave the Animal, shown here in a production still from AMC's
Breaking Bad, will appear in six episodes of the series.


DAVE THE ANIMAL MAKES CABLE TV DEBUT
Plays himself in recurring guest role on Emmy-winner ‘Breaking Bad’

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

Cambridge Animals owner Dave the Animal, who also has achieved fame as a meth and crack cocaine kingpin, and as Poet Laureate of the United States, is about to add a new accomplishment to his long resumé/rap sheet. Later this fall, he will appear in a recurring guest-star role on the AMC Network series, Breaking Bad.

The Emmy-winning series revolves around an Albuquerque high-school chemistry teacher who becomes a manufacturer of crystal meth after learning that he has terminal cancer. In his guest appearances, Dave the Animal, portraying himself, arrives in Albuquerque for a semester as Guest Professor of Poetry at the University of New Mexico. According to the story line, Animal discovers that the chemistry teacher’s meth operations threaten to erode the sales from his own operations.

Around the country, the Animals operate drug franchises branded regionally under a variety of names: Crack-in-the-Box, CrackDonald’s, Cracky D’s, Crack Barrel Old Country Shacks, Crystal’s, and the spa resort chain Club Meth. The organization also recently unveiled a new social irresponsibility line of products, Animal’s Own, which contributes all profits to drug unrehabilitation.

Shooting for six episodes featuring Dave the Animal was completed last week, but production will continue throughout October. The first “Animal” episode will air during sweeps month in November. In one of two “teaser” clips released to the media by AMC, Animal is driving an all-terrain Jeep, attempting to run over the series’ star. In the other, he begins a lecture to a college class by reciting a poem that begins “There once was a man from Nantucket.”

It is not known whether the Animal will be featured in any Breaking Bad episodes beyond the initial six now in production.

TWO JOURNALISTS MISSING AFTER BUBBAS PRESS CONFERENCE

Anton Chigurh, the Beelzebubbas director of community relations, has been unavailable for comment regarding the missing reporters.


TWO JOURNALISTS MISSING AFTER BUBBAS PRESS CONFERENCE
Apparently defied Chigurh’s warning against ‘dumb questions’

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

Two sports correspondents disappeared Tuesday after attending a press conference staged at Club Gitmo by the West Nashville Beelzebubbas.

Nothing has been heard from either of the veteran reporters — Joe “Sixpak” Shakur of the NFFA Network and Rollin Weed of the Grundy County Picayune — since they were seen with Beelzebubbas’ Community Relations Director Anton Chigurh, who conducted the press event.

“We hope that maybe this is all just something harmless, like they got a little over-served in the media hospitality room in sub-basement nine,” said NFFA Network spokesman Doug Wells, who added that the channel had asked NFFA commissioner William D. Money to investigate.

The media had turned out in force for the first of what were promised to be weekly pressers at Club Gitmo, which has become the Beelzebubbas’ unofficial headquarters. Chigurh announced that he would be conducting the question-and-answer session instead of Coach Boyd X. Biggs, who was “busy.”

In a brief opening statement, Chigurh said that the Bubbas’ had “underperformed” in week six against the 12th Avenue Bakers because Biggs and several of the team’s offensive leaders, including Adrian Peterson, Pierre Thomas and Jonathan Stewart, missed the team bus and did not arrive at Grey Goose Stadium until halftime. “Fortunately,” he said, “the big guy downstairs was looking out for us, and by the grace of Lord Beelzebub we prevailed.”

Before taking questions, Chigurh laid out one ground rule. “No dumb questions,” he said.

Shakur, who was first to be recognized, asked if Chigurh could confirm a report that the Beelzebubbas held a pregame team meeting that began at 1 a.m. Sunday and included heavy drinking by Biggs and the players. Shakur also asked if Chigurh could elaborate on the claim that Biggs was too busy to meet with the media, since, he said, he had seen Biggs moments earlier with Black Dogs Coach Jim McMahon.

After a long pause, Chigurh replied, “That’s a really dumb question, and dumb questions are out of bounds.” He added that it was impossible that the reporter could have seen the Black Dogs coach. “West Nasty is no country for old McMahon,” said Chigurh with a thin smile.

Weed then asked why Biggs chose to start backup quarterback Kurt Warner over Phillip Rivers, whose 48-point performance went for naught Sunday. “You know,” said Chigurh, “I am disappointed to say that’s another really dumb question.”

A silence fell over the room for almost 10 seconds before Chigurh said, “If there are no further questions, thanks for coming, enjoy another round of drinks on us, and see you again next Tuesday.” Almost as an afterthought, he added that he would be handling the pregame coin toss at West Nashville’s Hell Stadium on Sunday.

Several witnesses claim to have seen the missing reporters walking away with Chigurh and two large, unidentified men as the press conference ended. Late Tuesday night, Chigurh was “busy” and unavailable for comment, said Beelzebubbas’ media coordinator Maryjane Livingood.

BREAKING NEWS: SCOUTS IN STRIKING DISTANCE

BREAKING NEWS: SCOUTS IN STRIKING DISTANCE
Alamo Baptists in emergency prayer vigil

By Lenny Lopez, Fantasy News Network

ALAMO, TEXAS — Members of the First Baptist Church of Alamo gathered tonight in a hastily called prayer vigil seeking to rally the hometown Scouts to victory in Cambridge over the Animals.

Sources confirm that the vigil was called by Eudora "Meemaw" Murrman, a longtime member of the church. In an email sent late this afternoon to church members, Murrman wrote: "With Thurman's team now within striking distance of victory, God has called us to bring them the rest of the way to the Promised Land. We need at least 200 faithful prayer warriors to pray for victory and holy annointing on Thur Murr.

"Remember that the Animals stand for everything that God opposes: Drugs, communism, atheism, sodomy, abortion, and Yankees."

As of 7 p.m. CDT, more than 1,200 prayer warriors were praying and singing outside the church. "God bless our boys and God bless Thur Murr," said one woman who identified herself as Sister Tricia Nixon.

FSN will have more details as they develop.

McMAHON ADMITS LICKING BOBBER’S BALLS

Meemaw Murrman displays the pruning shears
she used to remove Triki Bobber's testicles.


McMAHON ADMITS LICKING BOBBER’S BALLS
‘Didn’t realize what I was doing,’ Dogs coach says, ‘But it tasted good’

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

Hardly anyone inside the NFFA took it seriously when Triki Bobber, the criminally insane and imprisoned ex-president of the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, combined a doctored charity auction photo of Hillary Clinton with the upcoming People magazine cover to suggest that Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon is an out-of-the-closet homosexual. “Bless his heart,” reacted team president Clinton. “I worry whether he’s getting his mad cow medication in prison.”

Nevertheless, the story prompted an unsolicited phone call from FBI Special Agent Clarice Starling, who provided startling new details in the Bobber case. Though Agent Starling claimed to have no knowledge of whether McMahon, who is famously single, is gay, she did drop this bombshell: McMahon has tasted Bobber’s testicles.

Out of consideration for Bobber’s privacy (and privates), Starling originally failed to divulge one of the most intriguing events from Bobber’s savage beating by Meemaw Murrman in Alamo, Texas — a beating prompted by threats from Bobber against several longtime Hispanic customers of Murrman’s restaurant, Fat Bubbadog’s Sunny Side Up.

After knocking Bobber unconscious with a cast-iron skillet, several restaurant patrons dragged Bobber to the kitchen, where Meemaw Murrman removed his testicles with the garden shears she uses on her rosebushes outside. “I just snipped ‘em right off,” Murrman confirmed to this reporter, “just like you’d prune a deadhead.”

Murrman’s fry cook, Baldemar “Chuy” Chicharones, snatched the severed testicles, washed them off, place them in a zip-lock bag and stored them in the freezer. “Huevos el hombre,” explained Chicharones, who speaks no English. “Mucho gusto.”

Chicharones remembered and quickly unthawed the frozen testicles when McMahon came to the Sunny Side Up for breakfast — after spending all of Sunday night next door at Fat Bubbadog’s Gentlemen’s Club — following the Black Dogs victory over the Alamo Scouts. Dipped in a light batter and fried, the “huevos” were served to McMahon with the Southwestern omelet he had ordered. “I noticed he had a happy plate,” Meemaw Murrman said afterward. “There was nothing left on it, and he walked out with a smile.”

Agent Starling noted that Bobber has since been fitted with prosthetic testicles. She also said that Murrman’s act had not affected Bobber’s ability to father children, since he had undergone a court-ordered sterilization as a teenager in Arkansas.

Reached early Thursday morning at Foobar in East Nashville, McMahon expressed surprise that he had consumed Bobber’s testicles. “You know, I remember asking Meemaw about them at the time, and she said they were calf fries — a local delicacy,” McMahon said. “They were kind of like salmon croquettes. Very tasty, too.

“It’s kind of funny,” McMahon added after a sip of his drink. “I heard after we beat them in week one that Bobber said I could lick his balls. Karma’s kind of a bitch, huh?"

When a reporter asked about Bobber’s allegations of homosexuality, McMahon smiled wanly and said, “You know, I’ve been married for many years. Her name is Margarita. And I believe I’ll have another.”

POMPATUS OF LOVE WRESTS CONTROL OF MOJO

New Midtown coach Tom Brady with team Pompatus of Love Miss Lee-Yhn at the press conference today announcing his appointment.


POMPATUS OF LOVE WRESTS CONTROL OF MOJO
Promotes Brady to coach, accuses Commish of "callous malfeasance"

By Soren Bernyn, Fantasy Sports News

After "an utterly disastrous" 0-3 start and a league-low point total, the Midtown Mojo announced seismic changes today. The team's Pompatus of Love, Miss Lee-Yhn, has taken over day-to-day control of the Mojo from Mojo D, whom unnamed insiders claim has been sequestered since Sunday in his sensory-deprivation tank deep in the bowels of the Planet Mojo complex.

The Pompatus' first official act was demoting coach CO Jones, whom she blamed for the team's "lousy draft, crap line-up choices and pervasively piss-poor performance." The interim coach is injured hero quarterback Tom Brady, who takes the reins reluctantly, but by his own admission "just couldn't watch that [expletive] anymore. Besides, it is very difficult to say no to Miss Lee-Yhn."

Jones retains what the Pompatus described as "an important role as the team's enforcer." Locker-room sources reported (on condition of anonymity) that Jones' first act in his new role was executing a series of Lucha Libre wrestling moves on no-show defensive lineman DeWayne White (0 points in Week 3), culminating in a sleeper hold that caused the 300-pounder to lose consciousness and spend the night under observation at Vanderbilt hospital.

The Pompatus had harsh words for Commissioner William D. Money, whom she accused of "callous malfeasance, by deliberately misleading an obviously troubled Mojo D to a series of Week 3 bonehead line-up moves," including sitting running back Willis McGahee in favor of Kevin Faulk and acquiring fossilized quarterback Brett Favre.

Miss Lee-Yhn continued: "The Commissioner delights in getting in the heads of opponents — part of that is the game, but taking advantage of such an obviously damaged person is over the top, even for a dangerous sociopath like Money. Oh well — bless his heart, he's just doing the best he can."

The increasingly unhinged Mojo D had also reportedly become obsessed in recent weeks with Money's control of the NFFA website. A Mojo memo was leaked that accused Money of denying iPhone access and using custom graphics on the site that had a "detrimental hallucinatory effect on viewers."

When asked for a response, the commissioner said "Everybody has their own thing. Some people call me a Space Cowboy, others call me the Gangster of Love, Miss Lee-Yhn calls me a sociopath, whatever." Regarding the alleged hallucinatory effects of the custom background on the league site, Money said, "Maybe he should be Mojo LSD now. I sure as hell didn't see any white rabbits."

The Mojo meet the hated Black Dogs this week — the last team that the hapless Mojo defeated (in last year's "Toilet Bowl" consolation game). The Mojo have put a media lock-down in place this week to ensure focus on the game.