POMPATUS OF LOVE WRESTS CONTROL OF MOJO
Promotes Brady to coach, accuses Commish of "callous malfeasance"
By Soren Bernyn, Fantasy Sports News
After "an utterly disastrous" 0-3 start and a league-low point total, the Midtown Mojo announced seismic changes today. The team's Pompatus of Love, Miss Lee-Yhn, has taken over day-to-day control of the Mojo from Mojo D, whom unnamed insiders claim has been sequestered since Sunday in his sensory-deprivation tank deep in the bowels of the Planet Mojo complex.
The Pompatus' first official act was demoting coach CO Jones, whom she blamed for the team's "lousy draft, crap line-up choices and pervasively piss-poor performance." The interim coach is injured hero quarterback Tom Brady, who takes the reins reluctantly, but by his own admission "just couldn't watch that [expletive] anymore. Besides, it is very difficult to say no to Miss Lee-Yhn."
Jones retains what the Pompatus described as "an important role as the team's enforcer." Locker-room sources reported (on condition of anonymity) that Jones' first act in his new role was executing a series of Lucha Libre wrestling moves on no-show defensive lineman DeWayne White (0 points in Week 3), culminating in a sleeper hold that caused the 300-pounder to lose consciousness and spend the night under observation at Vanderbilt hospital.
The Pompatus had harsh words for Commissioner William D. Money, whom she accused of "callous malfeasance, by deliberately misleading an obviously troubled Mojo D to a series of Week 3 bonehead line-up moves," including sitting running back Willis McGahee in favor of Kevin Faulk and acquiring fossilized quarterback Brett Favre.
Miss Lee-Yhn continued: "The Commissioner delights in getting in the heads of opponents — part of that is the game, but taking advantage of such an obviously damaged person is over the top, even for a dangerous sociopath like Money. Oh well — bless his heart, he's just doing the best he can."
The increasingly unhinged Mojo D had also reportedly become obsessed in recent weeks with Money's control of the NFFA website. A Mojo memo was leaked that accused Money of denying iPhone access and using custom graphics on the site that had a "detrimental hallucinatory effect on viewers."
When asked for a response, the commissioner said "Everybody has their own thing. Some people call me a Space Cowboy, others call me the Gangster of Love, Miss Lee-Yhn calls me a sociopath, whatever." Regarding the alleged hallucinatory effects of the custom background on the league site, Money said, "Maybe he should be Mojo LSD now. I sure as hell didn't see any white rabbits."
The Mojo meet the hated Black Dogs this week — the last team that the hapless Mojo defeated (in last year's "Toilet Bowl" consolation game). The Mojo have put a media lock-down in place this week to ensure focus on the game.
The Pompatus' first official act was demoting coach CO Jones, whom she blamed for the team's "lousy draft, crap line-up choices and pervasively piss-poor performance." The interim coach is injured hero quarterback Tom Brady, who takes the reins reluctantly, but by his own admission "just couldn't watch that [expletive] anymore. Besides, it is very difficult to say no to Miss Lee-Yhn."
Jones retains what the Pompatus described as "an important role as the team's enforcer." Locker-room sources reported (on condition of anonymity) that Jones' first act in his new role was executing a series of Lucha Libre wrestling moves on no-show defensive lineman DeWayne White (0 points in Week 3), culminating in a sleeper hold that caused the 300-pounder to lose consciousness and spend the night under observation at Vanderbilt hospital.
The Pompatus had harsh words for Commissioner William D. Money, whom she accused of "callous malfeasance, by deliberately misleading an obviously troubled Mojo D to a series of Week 3 bonehead line-up moves," including sitting running back Willis McGahee in favor of Kevin Faulk and acquiring fossilized quarterback Brett Favre.
Miss Lee-Yhn continued: "The Commissioner delights in getting in the heads of opponents — part of that is the game, but taking advantage of such an obviously damaged person is over the top, even for a dangerous sociopath like Money. Oh well — bless his heart, he's just doing the best he can."
The increasingly unhinged Mojo D had also reportedly become obsessed in recent weeks with Money's control of the NFFA website. A Mojo memo was leaked that accused Money of denying iPhone access and using custom graphics on the site that had a "detrimental hallucinatory effect on viewers."
When asked for a response, the commissioner said "Everybody has their own thing. Some people call me a Space Cowboy, others call me the Gangster of Love, Miss Lee-Yhn calls me a sociopath, whatever." Regarding the alleged hallucinatory effects of the custom background on the league site, Money said, "Maybe he should be Mojo LSD now. I sure as hell didn't see any white rabbits."
The Mojo meet the hated Black Dogs this week — the last team that the hapless Mojo defeated (in last year's "Toilet Bowl" consolation game). The Mojo have put a media lock-down in place this week to ensure focus on the game.
