Another of TIRIK'S TIRADES

By Tirik Obobber
Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs

There are a number of frightening facts about the NFFA that I absolutely must make public. But before I do I need to go into a fair about of detail explaining how the NFFA likes to launch into nonsensical non sequiturs. Hang in there; this explanation won't take long.

Let's review the errors in the NFFA's statements in order. First, the NFFA makes it its job to force people to act in ways far removed from the natural patterns of human behavior. What a joyful affair it would be for the NFFA if it managed to get away with turning masters of deceit loose against us good citizens. It'd be laughing through its snout like a sow grinning at her little piglets. It'd be chortling at everyone's obliviousness to the fact that one of its most diabolic compeers is the point man in a process of creeping fascistization of our society. And here, I suspect, lies a clue to the intellectual vacuum so gapingly apparent in its strictures.

In closing, please remember that my ultimate goal is to create and nurture a true spirit of community. If I advance, follow me. If I stop, urge me on. If I retreat, kill me.

NFFA INKS MOVIE DEAL Soderbergh to direct; big names line up for plum parts

Conan O'Brien (QCurl Sharif) and Vern Troyer (Mr. TD) in a
publicity photo for the forthcoming movie about the NFFA.


By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

NASHVEGAS — Coming in 2011 to a theater near you — NFFA: The Movie.

In a shocking blockbuster deal announced Thursday in a press conference at the Jorgé Linardo-owned nightclub, the Jojo-A-Go-Go, Bob and Harvey Weinstein of Miramax Studios announced they had signed an agreement with the NFFA founder to produce a feature-length film on the league. Financial terms of the deal were not disclosed.

The as yet untitled film is tentatively slated for release in December 2011 — just in time, noted Harvey Weinstein, for Oscar consideration. Steven Soderbergh will direct. Shooting will begin in May on location in Nashvegas. “We don’t have a script yet,” said Weinstein, “but we have a helluva story. It will practically write itself. We have an amazing director and an all-star cast that would make DeMille break out in hives.”

The movie will star:

Tom Skerritt as Jorgé Linardo
Conan O'Brien as QCurl Sharif (David Straithairn reportedly turned down the role)
Samuel L. Jackson as The Animal
Anthony Hopkins as Tirik Obobber
Joaquin Phoenix as Lex Dominica
Boyd X. Biggs as himself
Matt Damon as Thurman Murrman
LL Cool J as Mojo D
The Voice of James Earl Jones as Commissioner William D. Money

Also starring:

Cloris Leachman as Meemaw Murrman
James Gandolfini as Tony Soprano
Hallie Berry as The Pompatus of Love
Mary Kate Olsen as Mo Money
Ashley Olsen as Cash Money
Rip Torn as Buddy Ryan
Owen Wilson as Faith Popcorn
Gina Gershon as Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Vern Troyer as Mr. TD and Furious George
Robert Downey Jr. as Jizzle McMizzle
Omar Sharif as Shiva
John Goodman as Satan

And featuring:

Woody Harrelson as Devlin Redd
Li’l Wayne as Snoop Dogg
Darrell Hammond as Larry Woody
Julia Roberts as Amy Winehouse
Burt Reynolds as Saddam
Pam Grier as Foxy Brown
Marcello Mastrioni as Giorgio Cardinal Leonardo
Carlos Mencia as Manuel “Short Eyes” Linardo
Danny Glover as George Clinton
Dana Carvey as Haven Hamilton
Danny DeVito as Kim Jong Il
Larry Bud Melman as Joe Biddle
Vince Vaughn as Vince Lombardi
Tom Cruise as Tom Brady
M. Emmett Walsh as Stumpy Legg
Jeff Goldblum as Osama bin Laden
Antonio Banderas as Young Jorgé
John Malkovich as the Hager Twins
Duane “The Rock” Johnson as Steve McNair
Ben Stiller as Joe Namath
Tina Fey as Jenna Bush
Zulu as Kono
Peter O’Toole as General George Washington Leonard
Chuck Barris as Mojo Jojo

Weinstein acknowledged that it was unusual to release the cast before a script had even been developed. “But when they heard this movie was happening,” he said, “the phones started ringing off the hook. If you think the roster is impressive, you should have seen the talent we had to turn down. How do you tell Dame Judy Dench we just don’t have a spot for her? Fortunately, the whole cast agreed to work for scale, so we could keep the production budget under $100 million.”

MONEY WALKS Commish resigns over flap with Obobber

NFFA Commissioner William D. Money resigned this afternoon. AWP FILE PHOTO

NASHVEGAS — NFFA commissioner William D. Money resigned late this afternoon over what a source inside the league office described as "a scoring issue" with Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs owner Tirik Obobber.

According to the source, Money's resignation will take effect on October 31 to allow time for the owners to elect a new commissioner.

More from the Associated Web Press on this breaking story as it develops.

— AWP staff report

THE STREAK IS OVER !!!

Streaking Sea Hogs fans celebrate victory over the Black Dogs and the end of the Black Dogs 17-game winning streak.

The Streak Is Over!!!

By Bill O'Really, FAUX NEWS

FIDALGO ISLAND -- "The Streak is over!!!" This is what Sea Hogs fans are shouting as they approach Sea Hogs' SPRINT Stadium after running naked through the streets of beautiful Fidalgo Island to celebrate their stunning defeat of the top-ranked East Nashville Black Dogs and the end of the Black Dogs 17-game winning streak. As soon as the game ended, FISH fans left their TV sets, shed their clothes, ran from their homes, and sprinted to the Sea Hogs' home field in a spontaneous show of joyous emotion to support their team and its accomplishment.

The Sea Hogs trounced the Black Dogs this weekend 197 to 110 in a road win that will go down in history as one of the greatest upsets of all time.

It was a commanding performance by the Sea Hogs on both sides of the ball. The Sea Hogs' offense scored more points than any other NFFA team this season and its defense held East Nasty to what will probably be its lowest point total of the year.

The Sea Hogs were lead by QB Peyton Manning, who scored 42 points, and by RBs Frank Gore and Darren Sproles, who scored 35 and 32 points respectively. Many believe that Gore's outstanding performance was motivated by revenge due to the fact that the Black Dogs' GM Buddy Ryan did not renew Gore's contract at the end of last season, allowing the Sea Hogs' owner Tirik Obobber to pick him up. Gore denied any such motivation, stating, "We're just good, dude!" He then added, "Hey Buddy, welcome to the L bracket."

But the highlight for the Fidalgo Islanders was the termination of "The Streak," the Black Dogs 17-game winning streak which began after the West Nashville Beelzebubbas defeated the Black Dogs in the NFFA playoffs two seasons ago. The Black Dogs went undefeated last season and won the NFFA Championship for 2008. The Sea Hogs' victory this weekend also put an end to the Black Dogs' 22 consecutive regular season victories.

It's now back to the drawing board for the Black Dogs, who are 1 - 1 for the season and have a one-game losing streak. The Sea Hogs are also 1 - 1, but have a one-game winning streak.

It should be noted that after reaching the stadium and celebrating their victory, the Sea Hogs fans were greeted with news that Leader, the chief mascot of the Black Dogs, had lost the use of his back legs. The fans huddled in a circle and prayed for Leader and his speedy recovery.