CHAMPAGNE FOR BREAKFAST 2008 champs toast defeat of last unbeaten team

Frank Gore outside the Shoney's in East Nashville.


By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — Running back Frank Gore may have been too injured to suit up for the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs last weekend, but he was well enough to travel to East Nashville and drink champagne for breakfast with Black Dogs GM Buddy Ryan earlier today.

Gore, along with 15 other members of the 2008 Black Dogs team which went 16-0 including Chris Johnson, Brian Urlacher, Ted Ginn Jr., and Matt Shaub, joined Ryan at his weekly press breakfast to toast the loss suffered by the NFFA's last unbeaten team, the West Nashville Beelzebubbas. The 'Bubbas' loss to the Sea Hogs means the 2008 Dogs will remain the only undefeated team in league history — at least for one more season.

"I don't care what [Sea Hogs owner Tirik] Obobber thinks about it, I had to be here," Gore said, in between sips of Dom Perignon. "We went 16-and-0, mother[expletive]. Do you understand what I am saying? 16-and-[expletive]-0. That's why I will always be a Black Dog at heart.

"But that is meant as no offense to Dr. Linardo, who embraced me like a son during my two seasons as a member of the Beelzebubbas," he quickly added.

A number of current members of the East Nashville team who were part of the 2008 squad also attended the weekly breakfast at the Shoney's near the Dog House, including Tony Romo, Patrick Willis, Greg Jennings, Jared Allen, Terrence McGee, Maurice Jones-Drew, and injured cornerbacks Leodis McKelvin and Josh Wilson.

"Well, [Black Dogs coach] Jizzle [McMizzle] thought we should do it, and it sounded like a [expletive] good idea to me," Ryan explained. "I like getting [expletive] blotto at breakfast."

"It just seemed like the right thing to do," McMizzle added. "After all, these guys made history."

But several of the 2008 Dogs gave the credit to McMizzle. "Jizzle showed us the way to the promised land," said McGee, who has been a member of the Black Dogs since 2005, McMizzle's first season as head coach. "A lot of people in the NFFA call themselves geniuses, but Jizzle actually is one."

In other Black Dogs news, Ryan announced that he and McMizzle will wear pink for the entire season, not just the month of October. "That was another of Jizzle's ideas," he said. "According to him, pink is the new black."

CHAMPS REELING AFTER ‘LOST WEEKEND’ Sea Hogs, West and Fans’ Animals Take Bite Out of Black Dogs

Kanye West arriving at the Dog House to sing the national
anthem. Could that be QCurl on the phone?

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

(Editor's note: The publication of this story was delayed because of a cyber attack launched against FSN on Sept. 24.)

EAST NASTY — It was a dark and stormy weekend in East Nashville. And no one had forecast that events would conspire to rain on the parade of the defending NFFA champion Black Dogs.

The Black Dogs’ home opener was to be a time for marking the team’s unprecedented 16-0 season, with the traditional “running of the black dogs,” the awarding of championship rings, and the presentation of the NFFA Championship Trophy (the Money Cup) by league Commissioner Bill Money.

It would be a gross understatement to say things didn’t go as planned. First, the Black Dogs received their first loss in 18 games — and their worst loss in three years — at the hands of their hated rivals, the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs.

Then, during the trophy presentation at halftime, singer Kanye West, who had performed the national anthem before the game, rushed onto the field, took a microphone from Commissioner Money and shouted, “This trophy rightfully belongs to the greatest team ever, the 12th Avenue Bakers!” A befuddled GM Buddy Ryan, who was to accept the trophy, was left speechless.

As the contest ended, Sea Hogs fans attempted to cross the roped-off section within Black Dogs Stadium where they had been confined in hopes of avoiding the attacks by black dogs at last year’s game that sent over 100 visitors to local hospitals. This time, numerous Sea Hogs fans received strong electrical shocks from an invisible fencing system that East Nashville team officials said had been erected to keep dogs out of the area. The officials claimed to be unaware that the tickets allotted to Fidalgo Island fans had been coded to receive a jolt if the ticket holders attempted to cross the fence line. “We are looking into the possibility of sabotage by a fellow NFFA team,” said one official on the condition of anonymity. Fifteen Sea Hogs fans were treated for injuries at the stadium’s first aid station.

As a final insult, Ryan was set upon by a pack of black dogs let loose by irate East Nashville fans who waited for the general manager to attempt to reach his car after the game. “Buddy ran his mouth all week and made our team look sick,” said one fan, “so we sicced our dogs on his ass.” Ryan’s clothes were ripped, and he received one gash deep enough to require stitches but sustained no serious injuries.

After winning the division four years in a row, the Black Dogs entered week three in the uncharacteristic position of last place in the Jorgé division, behind the 2-0 Bakers, Beelzebubbas and Animals. “We’ll be back,” vowed Ryan at his weekly media breakfast at Shoney’s.

“The Greeks had a word for this — chutzpah,” observed Mojo D, who spoke briefly with this reporter as he entered the Jojo-a-Go-Go to attend a charity event. “You could see it coming.”

THE STREAK IS OVER !!!

Streaking Sea Hogs fans celebrate victory over the Black Dogs and the end of the Black Dogs 17-game winning streak.

The Streak Is Over!!!

By Bill O'Really, FAUX NEWS

FIDALGO ISLAND -- "The Streak is over!!!" This is what Sea Hogs fans are shouting as they approach Sea Hogs' SPRINT Stadium after running naked through the streets of beautiful Fidalgo Island to celebrate their stunning defeat of the top-ranked East Nashville Black Dogs and the end of the Black Dogs 17-game winning streak. As soon as the game ended, FISH fans left their TV sets, shed their clothes, ran from their homes, and sprinted to the Sea Hogs' home field in a spontaneous show of joyous emotion to support their team and its accomplishment.

The Sea Hogs trounced the Black Dogs this weekend 197 to 110 in a road win that will go down in history as one of the greatest upsets of all time.

It was a commanding performance by the Sea Hogs on both sides of the ball. The Sea Hogs' offense scored more points than any other NFFA team this season and its defense held East Nasty to what will probably be its lowest point total of the year.

The Sea Hogs were lead by QB Peyton Manning, who scored 42 points, and by RBs Frank Gore and Darren Sproles, who scored 35 and 32 points respectively. Many believe that Gore's outstanding performance was motivated by revenge due to the fact that the Black Dogs' GM Buddy Ryan did not renew Gore's contract at the end of last season, allowing the Sea Hogs' owner Tirik Obobber to pick him up. Gore denied any such motivation, stating, "We're just good, dude!" He then added, "Hey Buddy, welcome to the L bracket."

But the highlight for the Fidalgo Islanders was the termination of "The Streak," the Black Dogs 17-game winning streak which began after the West Nashville Beelzebubbas defeated the Black Dogs in the NFFA playoffs two seasons ago. The Black Dogs went undefeated last season and won the NFFA Championship for 2008. The Sea Hogs' victory this weekend also put an end to the Black Dogs' 22 consecutive regular season victories.

It's now back to the drawing board for the Black Dogs, who are 1 - 1 for the season and have a one-game losing streak. The Sea Hogs are also 1 - 1, but have a one-game winning streak.

It should be noted that after reaching the stadium and celebrating their victory, the Sea Hogs fans were greeted with news that Leader, the chief mascot of the Black Dogs, had lost the use of his back legs. The fans huddled in a circle and prayed for Leader and his speedy recovery.

COMMISH SHOOTS DOWN DOGS' PLANS FOR SEA HOGS' FANS

As a favor to coach Jizzle McMizzle, Carmen Electra posed for the above flyer to be distributed at this week's Black Dogs-Sea Hogs contest in East Nashville.


By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — At his weekly media circus yesterday, East Nashville coach Jizzle McMizzle announced that the team had received word that NFFA Commissioner William D. Money will not allow them to cordon off the Fidalgo Island fans in a corner of the stadium parking lot.

Black Dogs GM Buddy Ryan had announced the plan on Tuesday at his press breakfast, insisting it was for the protection of the Sea Hogs fans. On the opening weekend of the 2008 season, during El Ejecutarse de los Perros Negros, or The Running of the Black Dogs, 100 Sea Hogs fans were brutally attacked and bitten when 40 or 50 of the more than 500 black dogs ascended into their section of the stadium.

McMizzle said the new plan was to put a 20-foot-high, chain-link fence around the Sea Hogs section. "We have to protect our friends from Fidalgo Island, but the black dogs gotta run," he said. He also said he didn't know if the commissioner had approved the new plan or not, that he was just repeating what "Buddy told me."

McMizzle also announced that 50,000 flyers featuring Carmen Electra in the famous Coppertone ad pose (above) will be distributed prior to the game to remind Black Dogs fans to not let their dogs bite the Sea Hogs fans.

Yesterday was the first time McMizzle's weekly media zoo had been held at his newly opened nightclub, Jizzle McMizzle's, which is the event's new location for 2009. The coach with the league's highest winning percentage since taking the reigns of the East Nashville franchise in 2005 spent most of the time praising the 12th Avenue Bakers — and expressing his fear of them.

"Don't get me wrong, the entire Jorge division worries me, but the Bakers scare me," he said. "You know, President Obama, picked the NCAA basketball champion, and now that he's picking the Bakes — I don't know, it just seems like the stars are aligning for QCurl this season. A new star is rising in South Nashvegas, and I fear it may be a case of sic transit gloria canes niger."

McMizzle waved off questions about the Black Dogs' 70-point stomping of the Atlanta Smack Daddies on opening weekend, and the team's two current winning streaks —wins in 17 straight games, and 22 consecutive regular-season wins.

"I'm not here to talk about the past," he said. "Nor am I here to talk about the future."

When a female reporter from The Tennessean asked what he meant by that, he said, "I meant, 'Get me another margarita, bi-yotch.' Don't you work here?" When she said she didn't, he said "never mind, then," and walked over to the bar to order the drink himself, signaling the end of the event.

BLACK DOGS GM: BAN L DIVISION FROM PLAYOFFS

Buddy Ryan has coffee with a Black Dogs fan at Shoney's yesterday morning.


By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — Crazy talk coming from Buddy Ryan is nothing new. But that said, none of the gathered media were ready for what the East Nashville GM proposed at his inaugural press breakfast yesterday morning at the Shoney's near the stadium.

"If no teams from the Linardo division win this weekend, then I think only Jorge division teams should be allowed in the postseason playoffs," Ryan said, between bites of sausage links. "I have formally proposed this to Commissioner [William D.] Money."

Ryan pointed out that not a single team from the Linardo division had a winning record last year, "and they are keeping their streak going this season with a perfect 0-4 start." He added, "You can't spell loser without an L," then cackled loudly.

When asked if he thought his proposed rule change would get enough support to pass, Ryan replied, "Well, I figure everyone in our division will vote for it — why wouldn't they? And you figure one of the Loser division teams — probably the No-Jos — will stab their division rivals in the back and vote for it, too."

Reached at league headquarters afterwards, Money declined to comment, but said he had received Ryan's proposal and intended to review its merits.

Ryan made a few other announcements during the one-hour press breakfast, including:

• The team will wear a number nine decal on their helmets this season in honor of one-time Black Dogs quarterback Steve McNair.

• There will be a ceremony commemorating the Black Dog's perfect 16-0, 2008 championship season before this weekend's game against visiting Fidalgo Island with a special presentation by the commissioner.

The Black Dogs' chief was reminded that it was just over a year ago that Sea Hogs fans were mauled by black dogs allowed on the field during halftime of the game, and was asked if the black dogs would be allowed in the stadium this weekend.

"We are continuing our longstanding, opening-day tradition, El Ejecutarse de los Perros Negros or The Running of the Black Dogs," Ryan said. "But we are taking extra precautions to guarantee the safety of our guests from out West.

"To make sure none of the black dogs in the stadium attack the Sea Hogs fans, we've decided to not allow any Sea Hogs fans into the Dog House. Instead, they will be able to view the game on theater-size screens from the comfort of an enclosed compound set up on the Southern edge of the parking lot."