MCMAHON TO THE WORLD: 'FORGET TO HATE'

Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon sports a T-shirt bearing the
name of his new nonprofit endeavor, "Forget to Hate."

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

If the first four weeks of the NFFA season are any indication, the league's tenth season is going to be its most acrimonious. And that's saying a lot for a league whose history includes murder, sex slavery, castration, boot bombs, arson and thousands of gallons of Haterade. But this season, they may have to start ordering Haterade by the tanker truck.

In the midst of all this hatemongering, one man has said, "Enough is enough!" Inspired by something he was told about 12th Avenue Bakers owner and man about town QCurl Sharif, East Nashville Black Dogs head coach Jim McMahon has launched a new nonprofit organization called "Forget To Hate."

McMahon announced the formation of the new organization Wednesday at his weekly media circus now being held at Eastside Fish, which claims to serve the "crunkest fish in town."

"Don't get me wrong, the NFFA has always been filled with hate — just ask my boss Buddy Ryan," McMahon said. "But when I heard recently that DTA [Cambridge Animals boss Dave the Animal] was debating whether to focus on his own team's success or put all his energies into seeing that the Bakers lose, and was even contemplating loaning his best players to whomever the Bakers are playing each week, I realized the league's level of hate has taken a quantum leap."

The Bakers and their mercurial owner Sharif are in the middle of a lot of the acrimony. One league insider says it's because of the monkeys, which he insists has brought the league nothing but bad luck. And it is true Sharif introduced monkeys to the league's menagerie of characters — who could forget the late Mr. TD and the late Furious George.

But the Bakers, who face McMahon's team this week, also are in the thick of the turf wars on the West side of Nashvegas involving the West Nashville Beelzebubbas, the Corsairs (formerly the Midtown Mojo) and now The Village Green. There have been whispers up and down the stretch of 12th Avenue South known as Avenue Q that Sharif is planning to expand his territory all the way to West End Avenue, now that the Corsairs are based offshore.

Before making their move, the Corsairs ceded the 24 blocks encompassing Hillsboro Village to Goody Goodridge, which puts The Village Green right in the crossfire between the Bakers and Bubbas — a love-hate relationship, but mostly hate, which dates to the league's origins.

McMahon said he was at Club Gitmo last week when a person close to the West Nashville organization said Sharif drinks more Haterade than anyone in the league, but because of all the other substances he consumes, "QCurl forgets to hate."

"I thought what a far-out guy QCurl is that he would forget to hate," McMahon said. "He's an inspiration to us all."

The coach said the Forget To Hate organization will try to reduce gang violence in the East Nasty, as well as provide support for victims of memory loss caused by substance abuse.

In other Black Dogs news, McMahon said despite suffering a loss to the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs last weekend, the game's Bobberhead chew toy promotion was a "smashing success." Doggie chew toys in the shape of Sea Hogs owner Tirik Obobber's head were given to the first 10,000 fans who showed up with their dog.

McMahon said while it wasn't as exciting as seeing dogs chomp down on actual Sea Hogs fans, as happened a few years ago at the Dawg House stadium in East Nashville, the dogs seemed to really enjoy sinking their fangs into the replica of Obobber's head. "If the amount of dog slobber was any indication, the promotion was a big hit," he said.

As is his custom, McMahon closed his media conference with a Latin phrase, this time giving a nod to his new nonprofit, saying, "Memor ut alieno odio."

MCMAHON: 'MCMIZZLE IS DEAD TO ME'

Black Dogs head coach Jim McMahon is getting back to
what made him the winningest coach in NFFA history.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

"Last season was a blur," East Nashville Black Dogs head coach Jim McMahon said last night at the Cherry Bomb Cafe.

In a freewheeling, impromptu interview, McMahon said he has put aside the distractions of a year ago when the Black Dogs failed to make the playoffs after five straight Jorge division titles and two NFFA championships.

"I got so wrapped up in the whole Jizzle McMizzle thing that I lost my focus," he said. "So I've closed my club, Jizzle McMizzle's — I'm loaning it to the Linardist party for use as their temporary Nashville headquarters.

"And I've got to tell you, man," he said with a catch in his voice. "Jizzle McMizzle is dead to me."

McMahon was in a sentimental mood as he ordered another round of Touchdown Tasers™, expressing great affection for Thurman Murrman, the owner of the Alamo Scouts. Murrman recently sold the team to Dave "Goody" Goodridge, who moved the franchise to Hillboro Village and renamed it The Village Green.

"I'm really gonna miss ThurMurr, I had 15 straight wins against him, you know," he said. "What can I say, he was my bitch. When your bitch leaves, you miss him."

After pausing to wipe a tear from his eye, McMahon continued. "But I look forward to making The Village Green my bitch. I wonder if that's what they're smoking. I hope so. You know over there it would be the kind." He closed his eyes and smiled at the very thought of what they're smoking in Hillsboro Village.

When the coach opened his eyes, he said, "I heard Mojo D has switched to a 'gay pirate Muslim terrorist' theme. Did he clear that with the Fedayeen Bakers and DTA?" Then he broke into a fit of laughter that lasted several minutes.

When he got himself under control, he ordered another round of drinks. Then a frown came over his face, as he realized he was giving an interview to the news organization which had recently picked the Black Dogs to go 5-9 and finish last in the division.

"You know, man, we're gonna make you eat that prediction," he said. "No really. I'm gonna print it out and force it down your throat."

Then he smiled what can only be described as a diabolical smile, and added, "I believe this interview is over. Is est super!"

MCMIZZLE GOES OFF AT OCTOBERFEST

Cell phone photo of East Nashville coach Jizzle McMizzle during an altercation with 12th Avenue fans at Saturday's Octoberfest celebration. (Photo courtesy of Missy Bass)

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

NASHVEGAS — On the eve of his team's visit to 12th Avenue, East Nashville Black Dogs coach Jizzle McMizzle caused a scene yesterday at the annual Octoberfest in the Germantown area of Nashvegas.

According to witnesses attending the event, an obviously drunk McMizzle engaged in a verbal altercation with several Bakers fans.

Jeremy Huff, who was attending the fest with his wife and son, said three young men wearing Bakers merchandise and sporting QCurl tattoos, confronted McMizzle outside one of the beer tents and challenged him about his team's mediocre start.

"The fans started it," Huff said. "It looked like McMizzle was having a hard time staying upright."

Missy Bass, another attendee, said one of the men told the coach he "sucked," to which McMizzle slurred, "I'll have you know that rumor's not true."

Bass said the conversation continued as follows:

"You're going down tomorrow, chump," one of the other men told him.

"I've never lost to the Bakers," McMizzle replied.

"Yeah, you did, dumbass," the first man said. "Last year, next-to-last game, sucka."

"Oh, yeah, you're right, I forgot about that," the coach slurred. "Well, we're still gonna kick your asses."

"Y'all gonna be in Baker Nation, Coach. Y'all may not make it out alive."

Bass said at that point, McMizzle pulled a gun, and mumbled something about they better not make him mad. The first Bakers fan said to the others, "That dude is whack. Let's get outta here," and then started to leave.

As they walked away, McMizzle yelled at them to stop. "I'll tell you one thing," he said loudly. "The curse is gonna get the [expletive] [Fidalgo Island Sea], Hogs. Somebody big on the Hogs is gonna get hurt, probably [expletive] Peyton [Manning, Sea Hogs starting quarterback] — and it could happen this weekend. Write that down."

"I ain't got a pen, Coach, or any [expletive] paper," the first Bakers fan said. "Write it down, your damn self. See ya tomorrow in the nation, sucka."

The curse McMizzle referred to is curse of the NFFA champion. Not only has no champion in the eight-year history of the league been able to repeat, in many cases they had a big fall the following season. With their 4-0 start, there is no evidence the defending champions from Fidalgo Island are suffering any such affliction.

MCMIZZLE DEPLOYS 'MAJOR JUJU' AGAINST BEELZEBUBBAS Mayan shaman named assistant coach for playoffs

New Black Dogs assistant coach Don Carlos, shown here outside
the team's East Nashville headquarters, is in charge of juju.


By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — Earlier this week, West Nashville executive Chuck Barris said, "If you want to be the shizzle, you have to beat McMizzle."

He was referring, of course, to East Nashville Black Dogs head coach Jizzle McMizzle, the winningest coach in NFFA history, who the Beelzebubbas face in the opening round of the championship playoffs at the Dog House this weekend.

In five seasons, McMizzle has compiled an unmatched resume, which includes a 51-19 regular season record (.729 winning percentage), five consecutive Jorge division titles, and two NFFA championships, including last year's perfect 16-0 team.

Barris also noted recently that "the Black Dogs are still respected, but they are no longer feared." McMizzle would be the first to admit his injury-ridden 2009 squad is not the equal of the undefeated 2008 team. Maybe that's why he brought a new assistant coach on board for the playoffs, a genuine Mayan shaman named Don Carlos.

In announcing the hire, McMizzle said in a written statement, "Coach Don Carlos will be in charge of juju, and we need some major juju after losing three of our final four regular-season games."

The Don's hiring would appear to have already paid dividends. He was on the sideline last night when the Black Dogs grabbed a big lead over the 'Bubbas behind a 31-point performance by Dogs running back Maurice Jones-Drew.

Jones-Drew was seen huddling with Coach Don Carlos throughout the game, and drinking some clear liquid from a Mason jar. When asked what was in the Mason jar, McMizzle said the liquid was something called pox (pronounced posh with a long "o"), a corn elixer brought by the shaman from his native Guatemala.

According to a league official, pox is not a banned substance in the NFFA.

RYAN CALLS SHARIF A 'GRAVE ROBBER'

QCurl Sharif: World leader or grave robber? Buddy Ryan (inset) thinks the latter.


By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — Maybe East Nashville GM Buddy Ryan got up on the wrong side of the bed. Or maybe he was hungover. Whatever the reason, at his weekly press breakfast yesterday morning, Ryan went nuclear on QCurl Sharif and his 12th Avenue Bakers team.

"Am I the only [expletive] person who remembers that the so-called QCurl Sharif, media darling and would-[expletive]-be world leader, used to be G.Q. Denney, a worthless drug addict, mad scientist, and presumed grave robber," Ryan asked the blurry-eyed members of the media gathered at the East Nashville Shoney's across from the Dog House. "G.Q. robbed mother[expletive] graves! Are you following me here, people?" It has long been rumored that Sharif has a zombie corral in Howenwald, Tenn., where he reanimates the dead — usually deceased celebrities.

"And his teams used to set the [expletive] standard for futility in this league," Ryan continued. "He couldn't buy a [expletive] win, and believe me, he tried."

When asked why he going off on Sharif at this particular time, Ryan said, "If I had to give you all the reasons QCurl Sharif makes me puke, this press breakfast would run into the dinner hour."

When one member of the media asked if Ryan was just trying to get inside Sharif's head in advance of this weekend's game with the Bakers, he shuddered visibly at the thought, then said, "Jesus [expletive] Christ, now that would truly be a scary, [expletive] place to be."

For the remainder of the press event, the Black Dogs exec repeatedly referred to Sharif as "G.Q.," as if he might conjure up the losing spirit of the old Q.

Following the breakfast, this reporter was reminded that the bad blood between Ryan and Sharif dated back to the night of the Black Dogs first championship in 2005, when both men were arrested for streaking down Woodland Street. The GM claimed to have been drugged.

When asked for comment regarding Ryan's remarks, Bakers media maven Faith Popcorn said, "We're not concerned with the ravings of a convicted pedophile."

It should be noted that Ryan was not actually convicted of pedophilia, only arrested as a suspect.

ANIMALS TEST-LAUNCH Q-2 League warned of ‘awesome awesomeness’; panic ensues in NashVegas

Copy of the Animals lineup card showing two starting quarterbacks.


By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

NASHVEGAS — In a development that threatens to shake the NFFA to its core, the Cambridge Animals have apparently made good on the promise of owner Dave the Animal to initiate his new two-quarterback, “Q-2” lineup for week six.

Early Tuesday, the NFFA commissioner’s office received from the Animals front office a routine email that is automatically generated whenever a team submits or changes its lineup. League personnel quickly noted something unique about this particular email: It listed two quarterbacks, Jay Cutler and Matt Shaub, in the starting lineup. NFFA rules permit only one quarterback in the lineup, and proprietary software blocks users from inserting another quarterback as a utility player.

“[The email] raised a red flag right away,” said one low-level NFFA staffer, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “The Animals never submit a lineup until Sunday morning — if then. That’s what made us take a closer look, and then we noticed the two quarterbacks.”

Because quarterbacks typically are the highest scoring players in a team’s lineup each week, the ability to add a second quarterback would provide an enormous advantage.

According to a time-stamp on the e-mail, within minutes of its arrival at the NFFA Tower, FSN received a statement from the Animals’ organization. It read in part: “This morning, we have successfully test-launched our revolutionary new Q-2 System that will guarantee a championship for the Animals in 2009. We will go live with the full system on Sunday morning, resulting in nuclear annihilation of the Beelzebubbas. There is nothing that the pathetic worms of the NFFA can do except stand in awe of The Animals’ awesome awesomeness.”

The news of the apparently successful test-launch was greeted with a mix of fear, loathing and skepticism around the league. Oddsmakers at the sports books in the Cherry Bomb Café and Club Gitmo refused to accept bets on the Animals-Bubbas game. In 12 South, panic-stricken crowds took to the streets, where many Baker Nation fans were seen weeping openly as others began praying to Shiva.

Black Dogs’ GM Buddy Ryan turned ashen-faced, then purple with rage, after hearing the news from a reporter, and could be heard over a phone line shouting, “Somebody look up the number for the [expletive] Geek Squad in the phone book and get the mother[expletive]s over here to check this [expletive] [expletive] out!”

Reached by phone in his secure bunker, Commissioner William D. Money said, “I am shocked. I didn’t even know we used software. My assistants told me we were using some guys in India who compiled all the data for $2 an hour to help us keep costs down for the owners.”

At the Beelzebubbas’ offices, coach Boyd X. Biggs sounded more doubtful. “Smells like a bunch of bull-mess to me,” Biggs said. “You meth-heads must be consuming so much of the Animals’ product that you’d believe anything.”

Media reaction was more sensational. “Animals Rock NFFA’s World” ran the headline crawl on FOX News. “DTA Cements Genius Reputation,” read a headline in the Boston Globe, referring to Dave the Animal as an acronym. “Q-2? Unmoeglich!” blared the header on the website of Germany’s Frankfurter Zeitung.

League officials have been frantically, but unsuccessfully thus far, attempting to find a way to prevent the Animals from inserting a second QB into a lineup on Sunday. Nor, said the inside source, have they had any luck determining how the Animals may have hacked into the league’s software. “We’re just in rumbling-fumbling-stumbling mode, right now,” said the software engineer. “We may be dealing with a superior technology.”

FSN will have more details on this story as they become available.

IS MCMIZZLE A CERTIFIED GENIUS?

The Methlon reporter who challenged Jizzle McMizzle's credentials as a coaching
genius can be seen in the above photo wearing a rasta crown and sunglasses .


By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — Things turned a little ugly Wednesday when a representative from Methlon's NFFA Preview disrupted East Nashville coach Jizzle McMizzle's weekly media zoo.

Midway through the press conference at McMizzle's eponymous nightclub, the Methlon reporter interrupted the coach, yelling, "Are you a certified coaching genius?"

Caught off guard by the question, the Black Dogs coach said," Am I a what?"

"Are you a certified coaching genius? One of your players, Terrence McGee, made a remark a few days ago about you being a real football genius, unlike some coaches who just call themselves geniuses," said the reporter, who was wearing dark sunglasses and a rasta crown over what appeared to be a large Afro.

"McGee was clearly referring to [Cambridge Animals owner] Dave the Animal," the unidentified reporter continued in a loud voice. "Dave the Animal is a certified genius — certified by M.I.T. I've seen the certificate. Are you a certified genius, Coach McMizzle? I think not. I know Dave the Animal, and you, sir, are no Dave the Animal."

"Well, first of all, I never said I was a genius, or that I was Dave the Animal," McMizzle said, regaining his composure. "But I buy it that the Animal is a genius, and that's why I am worried about our trip to Cambridge this weekend. By the way, who are you and what media are you with? I don't think I've ever seen you before."

"Daniel Davis with Methlon's NFFA Preview," the reporter muttered.

"Methlon's Preview, huh, I don't think I've ever seen it," McMizzle said. "When did it come out?"

"Well, it hasn't," he said. "We had some production delays, so now it will be a mid-season preview."

"Now there's a new genre of magazines for you — the mid-season preview," McMizzle quipped. Then he added, "Good luck with that, I think you'll need it," which drew a few laughs from the other reporters.

With that, the coach headed for the bar where a Morning Glory margarita awaited him, which signaled the end of the press event. As was his custom, McMizzle left the gathered media with a parting remark in Latin: "Oriens dominor bestia."

One final note regarding the Animal's certification as a genius by M.I.T.: The AWP has learned the accrediting institution was not the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, but rather the lesser-known Methamphetamine Institute of Technology.

CHAMPAGNE FOR BREAKFAST 2008 champs toast defeat of last unbeaten team

Frank Gore outside the Shoney's in East Nashville.


By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — Running back Frank Gore may have been too injured to suit up for the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs last weekend, but he was well enough to travel to East Nashville and drink champagne for breakfast with Black Dogs GM Buddy Ryan earlier today.

Gore, along with 15 other members of the 2008 Black Dogs team which went 16-0 including Chris Johnson, Brian Urlacher, Ted Ginn Jr., and Matt Shaub, joined Ryan at his weekly press breakfast to toast the loss suffered by the NFFA's last unbeaten team, the West Nashville Beelzebubbas. The 'Bubbas' loss to the Sea Hogs means the 2008 Dogs will remain the only undefeated team in league history — at least for one more season.

"I don't care what [Sea Hogs owner Tirik] Obobber thinks about it, I had to be here," Gore said, in between sips of Dom Perignon. "We went 16-and-0, mother[expletive]. Do you understand what I am saying? 16-and-[expletive]-0. That's why I will always be a Black Dog at heart.

"But that is meant as no offense to Dr. Linardo, who embraced me like a son during my two seasons as a member of the Beelzebubbas," he quickly added.

A number of current members of the East Nashville team who were part of the 2008 squad also attended the weekly breakfast at the Shoney's near the Dog House, including Tony Romo, Patrick Willis, Greg Jennings, Jared Allen, Terrence McGee, Maurice Jones-Drew, and injured cornerbacks Leodis McKelvin and Josh Wilson.

"Well, [Black Dogs coach] Jizzle [McMizzle] thought we should do it, and it sounded like a [expletive] good idea to me," Ryan explained. "I like getting [expletive] blotto at breakfast."

"It just seemed like the right thing to do," McMizzle added. "After all, these guys made history."

But several of the 2008 Dogs gave the credit to McMizzle. "Jizzle showed us the way to the promised land," said McGee, who has been a member of the Black Dogs since 2005, McMizzle's first season as head coach. "A lot of people in the NFFA call themselves geniuses, but Jizzle actually is one."

In other Black Dogs news, Ryan announced that he and McMizzle will wear pink for the entire season, not just the month of October. "That was another of Jizzle's ideas," he said. "According to him, pink is the new black."

CHAMPS REELING AFTER ‘LOST WEEKEND’ Sea Hogs, West and Fans’ Animals Take Bite Out of Black Dogs

Kanye West arriving at the Dog House to sing the national
anthem. Could that be QCurl on the phone?

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

(Editor's note: The publication of this story was delayed because of a cyber attack launched against FSN on Sept. 24.)

EAST NASTY — It was a dark and stormy weekend in East Nashville. And no one had forecast that events would conspire to rain on the parade of the defending NFFA champion Black Dogs.

The Black Dogs’ home opener was to be a time for marking the team’s unprecedented 16-0 season, with the traditional “running of the black dogs,” the awarding of championship rings, and the presentation of the NFFA Championship Trophy (the Money Cup) by league Commissioner Bill Money.

It would be a gross understatement to say things didn’t go as planned. First, the Black Dogs received their first loss in 18 games — and their worst loss in three years — at the hands of their hated rivals, the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs.

Then, during the trophy presentation at halftime, singer Kanye West, who had performed the national anthem before the game, rushed onto the field, took a microphone from Commissioner Money and shouted, “This trophy rightfully belongs to the greatest team ever, the 12th Avenue Bakers!” A befuddled GM Buddy Ryan, who was to accept the trophy, was left speechless.

As the contest ended, Sea Hogs fans attempted to cross the roped-off section within Black Dogs Stadium where they had been confined in hopes of avoiding the attacks by black dogs at last year’s game that sent over 100 visitors to local hospitals. This time, numerous Sea Hogs fans received strong electrical shocks from an invisible fencing system that East Nashville team officials said had been erected to keep dogs out of the area. The officials claimed to be unaware that the tickets allotted to Fidalgo Island fans had been coded to receive a jolt if the ticket holders attempted to cross the fence line. “We are looking into the possibility of sabotage by a fellow NFFA team,” said one official on the condition of anonymity. Fifteen Sea Hogs fans were treated for injuries at the stadium’s first aid station.

As a final insult, Ryan was set upon by a pack of black dogs let loose by irate East Nashville fans who waited for the general manager to attempt to reach his car after the game. “Buddy ran his mouth all week and made our team look sick,” said one fan, “so we sicced our dogs on his ass.” Ryan’s clothes were ripped, and he received one gash deep enough to require stitches but sustained no serious injuries.

After winning the division four years in a row, the Black Dogs entered week three in the uncharacteristic position of last place in the Jorgé division, behind the 2-0 Bakers, Beelzebubbas and Animals. “We’ll be back,” vowed Ryan at his weekly media breakfast at Shoney’s.

“The Greeks had a word for this — chutzpah,” observed Mojo D, who spoke briefly with this reporter as he entered the Jojo-a-Go-Go to attend a charity event. “You could see it coming.”

THE STREAK IS OVER !!!

Streaking Sea Hogs fans celebrate victory over the Black Dogs and the end of the Black Dogs 17-game winning streak.

The Streak Is Over!!!

By Bill O'Really, FAUX NEWS

FIDALGO ISLAND -- "The Streak is over!!!" This is what Sea Hogs fans are shouting as they approach Sea Hogs' SPRINT Stadium after running naked through the streets of beautiful Fidalgo Island to celebrate their stunning defeat of the top-ranked East Nashville Black Dogs and the end of the Black Dogs 17-game winning streak. As soon as the game ended, FISH fans left their TV sets, shed their clothes, ran from their homes, and sprinted to the Sea Hogs' home field in a spontaneous show of joyous emotion to support their team and its accomplishment.

The Sea Hogs trounced the Black Dogs this weekend 197 to 110 in a road win that will go down in history as one of the greatest upsets of all time.

It was a commanding performance by the Sea Hogs on both sides of the ball. The Sea Hogs' offense scored more points than any other NFFA team this season and its defense held East Nasty to what will probably be its lowest point total of the year.

The Sea Hogs were lead by QB Peyton Manning, who scored 42 points, and by RBs Frank Gore and Darren Sproles, who scored 35 and 32 points respectively. Many believe that Gore's outstanding performance was motivated by revenge due to the fact that the Black Dogs' GM Buddy Ryan did not renew Gore's contract at the end of last season, allowing the Sea Hogs' owner Tirik Obobber to pick him up. Gore denied any such motivation, stating, "We're just good, dude!" He then added, "Hey Buddy, welcome to the L bracket."

But the highlight for the Fidalgo Islanders was the termination of "The Streak," the Black Dogs 17-game winning streak which began after the West Nashville Beelzebubbas defeated the Black Dogs in the NFFA playoffs two seasons ago. The Black Dogs went undefeated last season and won the NFFA Championship for 2008. The Sea Hogs' victory this weekend also put an end to the Black Dogs' 22 consecutive regular season victories.

It's now back to the drawing board for the Black Dogs, who are 1 - 1 for the season and have a one-game losing streak. The Sea Hogs are also 1 - 1, but have a one-game winning streak.

It should be noted that after reaching the stadium and celebrating their victory, the Sea Hogs fans were greeted with news that Leader, the chief mascot of the Black Dogs, had lost the use of his back legs. The fans huddled in a circle and prayed for Leader and his speedy recovery.

COMMISH SHOOTS DOWN DOGS' PLANS FOR SEA HOGS' FANS

As a favor to coach Jizzle McMizzle, Carmen Electra posed for the above flyer to be distributed at this week's Black Dogs-Sea Hogs contest in East Nashville.


By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — At his weekly media circus yesterday, East Nashville coach Jizzle McMizzle announced that the team had received word that NFFA Commissioner William D. Money will not allow them to cordon off the Fidalgo Island fans in a corner of the stadium parking lot.

Black Dogs GM Buddy Ryan had announced the plan on Tuesday at his press breakfast, insisting it was for the protection of the Sea Hogs fans. On the opening weekend of the 2008 season, during El Ejecutarse de los Perros Negros, or The Running of the Black Dogs, 100 Sea Hogs fans were brutally attacked and bitten when 40 or 50 of the more than 500 black dogs ascended into their section of the stadium.

McMizzle said the new plan was to put a 20-foot-high, chain-link fence around the Sea Hogs section. "We have to protect our friends from Fidalgo Island, but the black dogs gotta run," he said. He also said he didn't know if the commissioner had approved the new plan or not, that he was just repeating what "Buddy told me."

McMizzle also announced that 50,000 flyers featuring Carmen Electra in the famous Coppertone ad pose (above) will be distributed prior to the game to remind Black Dogs fans to not let their dogs bite the Sea Hogs fans.

Yesterday was the first time McMizzle's weekly media zoo had been held at his newly opened nightclub, Jizzle McMizzle's, which is the event's new location for 2009. The coach with the league's highest winning percentage since taking the reigns of the East Nashville franchise in 2005 spent most of the time praising the 12th Avenue Bakers — and expressing his fear of them.

"Don't get me wrong, the entire Jorge division worries me, but the Bakers scare me," he said. "You know, President Obama, picked the NCAA basketball champion, and now that he's picking the Bakes — I don't know, it just seems like the stars are aligning for QCurl this season. A new star is rising in South Nashvegas, and I fear it may be a case of sic transit gloria canes niger."

McMizzle waved off questions about the Black Dogs' 70-point stomping of the Atlanta Smack Daddies on opening weekend, and the team's two current winning streaks —wins in 17 straight games, and 22 consecutive regular-season wins.

"I'm not here to talk about the past," he said. "Nor am I here to talk about the future."

When a female reporter from The Tennessean asked what he meant by that, he said, "I meant, 'Get me another margarita, bi-yotch.' Don't you work here?" When she said she didn't, he said "never mind, then," and walked over to the bar to order the drink himself, signaling the end of the event.

BLACK DOGS GM: BAN L DIVISION FROM PLAYOFFS

Buddy Ryan has coffee with a Black Dogs fan at Shoney's yesterday morning.


By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — Crazy talk coming from Buddy Ryan is nothing new. But that said, none of the gathered media were ready for what the East Nashville GM proposed at his inaugural press breakfast yesterday morning at the Shoney's near the stadium.

"If no teams from the Linardo division win this weekend, then I think only Jorge division teams should be allowed in the postseason playoffs," Ryan said, between bites of sausage links. "I have formally proposed this to Commissioner [William D.] Money."

Ryan pointed out that not a single team from the Linardo division had a winning record last year, "and they are keeping their streak going this season with a perfect 0-4 start." He added, "You can't spell loser without an L," then cackled loudly.

When asked if he thought his proposed rule change would get enough support to pass, Ryan replied, "Well, I figure everyone in our division will vote for it — why wouldn't they? And you figure one of the Loser division teams — probably the No-Jos — will stab their division rivals in the back and vote for it, too."

Reached at league headquarters afterwards, Money declined to comment, but said he had received Ryan's proposal and intended to review its merits.

Ryan made a few other announcements during the one-hour press breakfast, including:

• The team will wear a number nine decal on their helmets this season in honor of one-time Black Dogs quarterback Steve McNair.

• There will be a ceremony commemorating the Black Dog's perfect 16-0, 2008 championship season before this weekend's game against visiting Fidalgo Island with a special presentation by the commissioner.

The Black Dogs' chief was reminded that it was just over a year ago that Sea Hogs fans were mauled by black dogs allowed on the field during halftime of the game, and was asked if the black dogs would be allowed in the stadium this weekend.

"We are continuing our longstanding, opening-day tradition, El Ejecutarse de los Perros Negros or The Running of the Black Dogs," Ryan said. "But we are taking extra precautions to guarantee the safety of our guests from out West.

"To make sure none of the black dogs in the stadium attack the Sea Hogs fans, we've decided to not allow any Sea Hogs fans into the Dog House. Instead, they will be able to view the game on theater-size screens from the comfort of an enclosed compound set up on the Southern edge of the parking lot."